Hi random! Pink here! Dropping by for a quick review.
I noticed that you opener was sort of info-dumpish and I recommend that you start your chapter off with something that would grab the reader's attention. Diving into past events or explaining the background of your protagonist isn't really the way to go. Writing intros could be either hard or easy depending on certain variable but I think if you think about how you would want a book to start off with, you could think of something much better.
The hole shadow room thing is quite interesting and would make a pretty cool story or idea and I would be interested in reading the mysteries it holds. One thing though, try not to push too many characters into your story at once, it seemed like I was lost as to who was who and the italic parts were confusing me a bit too. Give us some space to take it all in, right now you're digging into all this plot and mystery that it's hard to take in so fast. Give us some time to get to know your character and her setting and then slowly pave your way through the plot of the story.
Anyway, your dialogue and punctuation were quite good and I didn't spot many mistakes. Good job! You have a pretty fair understanding of the way grammar and all works and your description was quite good and matched the imagery level. I'd work on the introduction and characters - those would be the main parts that should pay attention to if you go to revise this. As well as slowly working into your plot, otherwise you'll lose us in the first chapter and you don't want that.
Keep writing, -Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -W. Somerset Maugham
If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet. — Neil Gaiman
