Hallowed Grounds

Blessed be everyone!

So I've been working on this story for a year now. Why? Because I had a lot of college works that got in the way with my free writing and I'm a perfectionist; I reread and proofread a lot and always find mistakes. I'm about to finish it soon, hopefuly. I'm putting it here to share my story and learn from you guys.

Basicaly the story is about...well, I'll let you find out by yourselves. Hope you enjoy...



I quickly hid deep within the forest and crawled behind the bushes trying not to make any noise, but leafs ruffled as I weaseled. Sticks tweaked and dirt mushed under my palms when I moved breathless and scared like never before. The screams dimmed into the night; my throaty breathing was the only sound I could hear.

Out of nowhere, I heard something behind me hissing like a snake; no, a far more terrifying sound that chilled my very bones. My heart thudded rapidly against my chest. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and turned around in the ground slowly, now bracing for my fate.

I gazed at his tall burly figure in the night; it was a growing shadow in front of me. His pitch black eyes penetrated into mine like an endless chasm of fury. The blood on his white shirt shined with the moon’s beam; it looked like a scarlet flower on a piano’s ivory. His beauty mesmerized me; he could be the embodiment of beauty. What frightened me most was that I knew he was only a wolf in sheep’s clothing. As beautiful as he was, as deadly he could be.
In a flash of a second his hand blurred and extended towards me; hesitantly, I placed my tiny trembling hand into his. I cried and shivered. He pulled me close into his arms and hushed me.

I shut my eyes trying to wake up from this beautiful and horrible nightmare. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…I reopened them, he was still there caressing my brown messy hair.

I didn’t know what to do or what to believe; now afraid, for my nightmares had finally come true. I was going to die...

*******
Chapter 1 will be coming soon!

Aww, a short and sweet prologue. I thought it was cute. Don't know if that was exactly what you were going for, but there it is.

Anyway, hi! The name's Rach, and I'm reviewing this for you today!

First, you have a few spelling and punctuation errors or typos here and there. Since this is short I can actually see all of them:

-"leafs" should be "leaves" because "leafs" is a verb, not the plural noun you were looking for.
- You need a comma after "bushes" in the first sentence, unless the bushes are the ones trying not to make noise.
- You need a comma after "there" in the one, two, three Mississippi paragraph--- "he was still there, caressing my brown messy hair" unless he has been continuously caressing her brown hair.
- You can't have a semicolon in that second to last sentence. Semicolons only join two complete sentences, and "now afraid, for my nightmares had finally come true" isn't a complete sentence. I suggest ditching the semicolon and making it a complete sentence instead.

And, that's it for the mistakes that I can see readily. Now onto the stuff that matters!

1) I like the idea behind this quick little scene and think it could be quite the tense, suspenseful opening. But, you do a lot of "telling" here, aka, you tell us she's scared, tell us he's beautiful, tell us he's dangerous. But we don't get any proof of that, other than your narrator's word on the matter.

So, show us that she's scared. You're on the right track with the shaky breath and the stumbling, but there's more than that to being scared. Just recall sometime when you were scared enough to pee your pants, and go from there.

Also, describe exactly what makes this guy/being here so beautiful. A hint here is not to go for the cliche things. Everyone rants about how gorgeous the eye color is, or the ripples in the muscle, but what about the other things about him? Surely he has a facial structure and a body. A way of walking, a way of talking, etc.

On a somewhat similar note, I notice you use a lot of adverbs in this little piece. Go through and highlight them, or at least count them, and ask yourself, for every one, "Does this actually add meaning, or is it just telling the reader something he could just figure out better for himself?"

Adverbs are the most telly verbs out there, too. So, as many as you can cut, the better. Especially in action, tense scenes anyway, you want those sentences to be as short and verb-dominated as possible.

Which brings me to another suggestion! Shorten up those sentences, taking out all the excess words. Readers love to put their imaginations back to work and so you probably don't even need many of the adjectives. And again, short, verb-central sentences are fantastic for action scenes. They're short (obviously), so the reader can read more of them in one minute, which gives the illusion of the scene moving faster. A faster pace might just leave the reader feeling breathless too.

Maybe think of it that way: if your narrator's breath is short, make sentences short. If it's relaxed, feel free to make them a little longer, a little more fluid like, to ease the reader in and along and about.

On a final note: this is a common thing with first person narration, but... don't forget that it's in first person. Which means, everything that the reader reads is coming through the filter that is your narrator. Which means, the details are the ones she notices, the things she feels and sees and tastes and touches and smells. If she doesn't experience it, you can't mention it.

And if she isn't thinking it, you don't get to write it.

This is more for future reference than anything else, but one line did tip me off. In the second to last paragraph, your character describes her hair as "brown messy" (which need a comma between them if you decide to keep them.) I don't know about you, but the last thing I'm going to be thinking about after a traumatic experience, when I think I'm going to die, is the color of my hair.

A super superficial girl might be concerned about the messy bit, but you'd still have to qualify how she knows her hair is all messy.

My point being: wary with what you describe in first person. Every POV has its disadvantages, and this is one of first person's.

And... I think that's it for now! Please let me know if you have any questions or comments or ideas you want to bounce off someone. Just shoot me a PM or reply to this thread or something

Rach

Dear AlexBlack,

Your story idea is really good, but you, could add a little bit of information in the beginning, like where the main character was and where she was going and who was the other person? Does the main character love this person or hate him/her? Please add all of this when you are writing the first chapter. Other than that, your story is just great!

It's really nice to know that some one likes their story so much, that they actually wrote it for an entire year! Whenever I write a story, it never even lasts for a month! I always get better ideas and then I quit my other story. kind of envy you.

Anyways, your story is awesome. I am waiting for your first chapter. I hope you reveal everything then. Keep writing!

Keep reading and reviewing

vstarfirix

Wow. So, a lot of emotion in one piece. Or, at least, I felt it. I could feel my heart speed up and feel the protag's indecision. I suppose that's because I can be sympathetic.

Anyway, I'd love to know more, read more, but I can already see how clear the idea is. I can see the guy in his black-eyed glory and picture the girl, clothes muddied, face scratched, and hair ruined. I also picture them in a cemetery, but I'm betting on the fact this scene happens in a forest or someplace.

Otherwise, great way of describing so much with so few words and I'd suggest breaking this novel into chapters like I'm sure you've seen most of us do. :3 It'd just help you get more reviews.

Also, I didn't notice any real grammar problems/typo sort of stuff, though don't take my word as complete truth. I'm pretty good at spotting errors, but today was my first day of school. I'm mildly exhausted, lol.

So, yes. I liked it and I hope to read more!

Wow, thanks so much. I thought my story had been forgotten by now!! It's a surprise to me that anyone has taken the time to read it. Thank you guys for reading and commenting on it. Though, I've made a few changes here and there and I'm up tp chapter 4 now, but they are quite extense. Since I see people actually read here, I'll post some more soon enough.