the story from my point of view

Who am I ?
And who are you?
Do you know me ?
Do I know you?
I'm so new to living so this must do
Oh and will I be able to get over who?
My short lived mother or oh wait my dad will do
You think it's too helpless what could I do?
I've lost all hope
I don't have except you
A voice in my head I'm turning crazy are you?
You seem to understand but will you really do?
Am I really crazy or you just want me to think I do?
I need someone to guide me are willing to?
So many questions but too bad my time is due

Dear yasminahmed,

My name is VStarfirix. As much as I have read of your short story, it is very good. But, I have a lot of questions to ask you. I hope you don't mind me asking though.

-Is this your first story?

-Is this your second story?

-Is this your third story?

-Is this your fourth story?

-Is this your fifth story?

-Is this your sixth story?

-Is this your seventh story?

-Is this your eight story?

-is this your ninth story?

-Is this your tenth story?

-Is this your eleventh story?

-Is this your twelfth story?

-Is this your thirteenth story?

-Is this your fourteenth story?

-Is this your fifteenth story?

-Is this your sixteenth story?

-Is this your seventeenth story?

-Is this your eighteenth story?

-Is this your nineteenth story?

-Is this your twentieth story?

-Have you written anymore stories, other than this one?

Thank you very much for your patience.

Please keep reading and reviewing,

VStarfirix

It increases readability if you spread out the sentances as shown below

Who am I ? Take out space between I and ?

And who are you?

Do you know me ? Take out space between me and ?

Do I know you? I really like the way you set this up! Creates the story

I'm so new to living so this must do New to living? I know this is poetry and you're not supposed to know all the details, but if it's possible, preview 'new to living' before or explain it afterwards

Oh and will I be able to get over who? try to reword this sentance. It doesn't really make much sense. Also, if possible, try to take out the 'oh'- it's less professional and decreases sentance fluency

My short lived mother or oh wait my dad will do try to take out the 'oh wait'. Same reasons as above. I like how you added the 'short lived' mother to give a little detail

You think it's too helpless what could I do? I liiiike this sentance!

I've lost all hope

I don't have except you Are you trying to say "I don't have any except for you"?

A voice in my head I'm turning crazy are you? "A voice in my head; I'm turning crazy, but are you too?"

You seem to understand but will you really do? Will this person really do what?

Am I really crazy or you just want me to think I do? Think I am

I need someone to guide me are willing to? I need soemone to guide me who is willing to

So many questions but too bad my time is due Try another word instead of time... maybe like 'debt' or 'work'. Actually, if you want to keep it, time works out very well.


This is a really good piece of poetry! Welcome to YWS and keep writing!

Taylor:)

Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I will commend you for writing a poem of this manner. I like how you twisted your words in every line instead of writing the usual, boring lines. I will admit though that whole poem in general lacks feeling. It lacks colour and emotion. I feel like it can be better. The first four lines where you ask the questions, you could spread them through out the whole poem. That is, ask one question at the start and then write something, then continue with another and so on. Also, punctuate! Not just with the question marks.
Keep writing and good luck!

yasminahmed wrote:Who am I ?
And who are you?
Do you know me ?
Do I know you?
I'm so new to living so this must do
Oh and will I be able to get over who?
My short lived mother or oh wait my dad will do
You think it's too helpless what could I do?
I've lost all hope
I don't have except you
A voice in my head I'm turning crazy are you?
You seem to understand but will you really do?
Am I really crazy or you just want me to think I do?
I need someone to guide me are willing to?
So many questions but too bad my time is due

The first thing I though when I finished my poem was the oooo sound. Too me it was a little distracting concentrating on the poem when almost every line of the poem ended with ooo sound. Well anyways this poem wasn't one of my favorites, it was hard for me to understand. Ok so the first four lines explain themselves, then you go on and say

I'm so new to living so this must do
Oh and will I be able to get over who?
My short lived mother or oh wait my dad will do
You think it's too helpless what could I do?
I've lost all hope

I get the first sentence and the last two but the 2nd and 3rd were confusing. It was hard for me to grasp and even writing this review I don't get it. First it says "Oh and will I be able to get over who?" Is it relating to her short lived mother or her dad. To me it doesn't fit in the poem. And also why is it so bad that her dad would have to do. It's his/her dad right?

I don't have except you
A voice in my head I'm turning crazy are you?
You seem to understand but will you really do?
Am I really crazy or you just want me to think I do?
I need someone to guide me are willing to?
So many questions but too bad my time is due

So first the first sentence is it saying that he/her doesn't have any hope, because if it is you should say I don't have hope except you. Then you go on and say "A voice in my head I'm turning crazy are you?" It seems so random. After that it says "you seem to understand but will you really do?". Try rephrasing it to say You seem to understand but I'm not sure if you do. Then Am I really crazy or you just want me to think I do. Am would fit better rather than do but then it would ruin the rhyming. After that you say "I need someone to guide me are willing to?" It should be are you willing to. The last sentence to me didn't need any work.


After going back to the top and reading the title again I realized that you said "the story from my point of view" You should give detail telling us if it's just a title or if it relating to a specific story. So I hope could help and sorry if this review is a little harsh.

-lilgreendots <3

thnx guys this is really helpful emm no this is my first story and will i write any more i don't really know i understand that the poem needs lots of work it's just that it's my personal experience i just wanted to get it all out and i wasn't really concentrating and about the dad part it's complicated and the so new to living part is supposed to mean that he or she is only a child thnxx guys for reviewing love you all and expect more from me