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Freak [Edited]

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This is a story I wrote because I was very angry :D
Rated for swearing.
Hope you like.
*EDITED AFTER AMAZING REVIEWS*
______
Her eyes flashed red in the darkness. Her nails lengthened and her mouth formed a muzzle. She felt the prickle of fur lining her body, but she strained her muscles and held it back.

"You want freak, I'll give you freak..." she whispered to the shadows as she climbed onto his roof. She took her fist and shoved it through the window, not pausing as beads of crimson dotted her skin, then she slipped in silently. She recognized her ex-lover's room even in the shimmer of broken glass shards that reflected the moonlight.

She paraded naked around the room while half covered in her fur and slashed her claws along his blue curtains and black comforter. Feathers flew when she shredded the comforter and she slung them about the room. She laughed loudly, the sound laced with howls.

She picked up the Xbox in the corner and flung it across the room, smirking as it shattered against the wall. Her teeth were razor blade sharp and glistened in the light. She heard his car rumble down the street and grinned as she stretched, her hands reached for the sky. She felt calm now, though her heart still hammered in her chest and her senses were on overload. The smell of his musk and sweat dominated in her brain. She heard his keys in the front door and the thud of his boots as he entered the house.

Grinning, she walked over and plopped on the bed, playing with the feathers as they flew up in a tornado around her. He was oblivious of her presence as he made himself a microwave dinner in the kitchen. The smell of chicken and potatoes wafted up to her in the next few minutes as it cooked. She closed her eyes and lay drunk with the scent and the memories of him. She rememberd all the times he had hit her, all the times she had taken the blows, all the times he had cheated and lied. She remembered when she finally confronted him about his other women...

She remembered how he had called her a cheating, lying, two-faced bitch. She remembered how he spread the rumors of her whoring around and how he had called her a freak in the local shopping mall...so that everyone could hear. He didn't know her secret. He didn't know how the Moon blessed her with fur, claws and fangs. He didn't know how two-faced she really was, and he didn't know what that other face was capable of.

She grinned and saliva dripped from her pointed teeth.

He began to move toward the bedroom and she took a deep breath, allowing her skin to wrap around her and cage her. "Soon," she whispered to the inner demonic gift that rumbled in her chest, "Soon...he will know..."

She spread her arms above her head and stretched her legs out over the feathers as he entered the room. He froze and his eyes widened when he saw his room looked like a battlefield. He almost dropped his meal as he caught sight of her. "What are you doing here?" he said. He was trying to sound menacing and threatening, but it came out more a whine than a growl.

She smiled at him, "What, baby, don't you miss your bitch?"

He faltered and opened his mouth, but she cut him off by sitting up abruptly. "Don't say anything." she whispered huskily.

She grinned as he set his food down on the dresser, momentarily distracted by her naked in his bed.

"Why'd you trash my room?" he picked up a piece of his Xbox, his eyes narrowing. "I should beat you." he glared at her.

She threw her head back and let out a laugh, "Go ahead! See how much you regret it." her voice was still playful, and he didn't catch the threat in the words alone.

He stepped over to her and grabbed her wrist and yanked her from the bed. "You'll be the one regretting," he muttered, but he kissed her. Always, always, she thought, that's how he works. Violent and sweet at the same time. Kissing and hitting was his game. He loved the sight of blood.

Well, she could show him blood, too. She pressed herself against him, dragging her nails down his back and biting his lip.

"Ow!" he yelped and jumped back, his hand flying to his lips where red coated his fingers. She licked her lips, enjoying the sweet tang of the blood. "What the hell!?" He screamed and raised his hand to back hand her.

At that moment she snarled and her teeth grew pointed and her nails became long and sharp. The room swam red as her eyes flashed crimson. "Don't you touch me," she growled in a low tone. He stumbled backwards, scared out of his wits.

"W-what the fu--!"

She raked her claws across his face-cutting off his screams. "You called me a freak..." she whispered as she gathered his hair in her clawed fist and pushed her face close to his. "I will damn well show you freak." Her tongue slithered out and lapped up the blood from his cheek. He shivered from her touch, he opened and closed his mouth, trying in vain to speak or scream.

She threw him to the ground, enjoying the sound his skull made as it cracked on the floor. His blood smelled sweet and tempting, but she didn't give in. Not yet.

He scrambled up and bolted for the door, but she was too quick and too strong. She snatched his belt and yanked him backwards, throwing him onto the bed that creaked in protest. Her nostrils absorbed the smell of his fear in the air. It drove her mad. The wolf inside her begged and snarled to be released. She compelled her fur to show a little. She felt the prickle of fur erupting on her belly and her limbs popping. She walked on her toes that remembered wolf pads over to the dresser where he had left his food. She stabbed a piece of chicken with her claws and chewed the meat in her mouth. She grimaced at the taste of cooked meat. The wolf inside of her wanted blood; wanted fresh meat.

A high pitched whining noise caught her attention and she looked over to him, curled in the fetal position in his bed. He was shaking as if he was having a seizure, and she laughed. "You will never hit another woman again," she snarled out as her mouth lost its function for words and fangs filled her muzzle. She fell on all fours as her fingers curled into paws and her spine crunched in an instant of pain before she stretched out as a wolf as big as a lion. Her eyes, still crimson, fell on the frightened man as he screamed, his throat raw. Her tail flicked with amusement as she pounced on her prey, her jaws reveling in the sweet taste of flesh and blood. His screams soon stopped and her howls of triumph filled the night.
Last edited by Chryssa2305 on Sun Jan 02, 2011 1:57 am, edited 3 times in total.
MDR FTW X3

DANCER




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Gender Female
Points 4890
Reviews 43
Hey Chryssa, review time!
Comments/corrections in red.

Her eyes flashed red in the darkness. Her nails lengthened and her mouth formed a muzzle. She felt the prickle of fur lining her body, but she strained her muscles and held it back.

"You want freak, I'll give you freak..." she whispered to the shadows as she climbed onto his roof. She took her fist and shoved it through the window, not pausing as beads of crimson dotted her skin, then she slipped in silently. She recognized her ex-lover's room even in the shimmer of broken glass shards that reflected the moonlight.

She paraded naked around the room while half covered in fur and slashed her claws along his blue curtains and black comforter. Feathers flew when she shredded the comforter and she slung them about the room. She laughed loudly, the sound laced with howls.

She picked up the Xbox in the corner and flung it across the room, smirking as it shattered against the wall. Her teeth were feral "feral" doesn't seem right to me and shimmered nor does "shimmered", maybe "glistened" instead? in the light. She heard his car rumble down the street and grinned as she stretched, her hands reached for the sky. She felt calm now, though her heart still hammered in her chest and her senses were on overload. The smell of him dominated in her brain-musk <--doesn't make sense and sweat from his constant exercising. She heard his keys in the front door and the thud of his boots as he entered the house. Get him!!

Grinning, she walked over and plopped on the bed, playing with the feathers as they flew up in a tornado around her. He was oblivious of her presence as he made himself a microwave dinner in the kitchen. The smell of chicken and potatoes wafted up to her in the next few minutes as it cooked. She closed her eyes and lay drunk with the scent and the memories of him. She remembered all the times he had hit her, all the times she had taken the blows, all the times he had cheated and lied what a bad man, he deserves what's coming. She remembered when she finally confronted him about his other women...

She remembered how he had called her a cheating, lying, two-faced bitch. She remembered how he spread the rumors of her whoring around and how he had called her a freak in the local shopping mall...so that everyone could hear. He didn't know her secret. He didn't know how the Moon blessed her with fur, claws and fangs. He didn't know how two-faced she really was , and he didn't know what that other face was capable of. damn right

When She grinned, saliva dripped from her pointed teeth.

He began to move toward the bedroom and she took a deep breath, allowing her skin to wrap around her and cage her. "Soon," she whispered to the inner demonic gift that rumbled in her chest, "Soon...he will know..."
She spread her arms above her head and stretched her legs out over the feathers as he entered the room. He froze and his eyes widened when he saw his room looked like a battlefield. He almost dropped his meal as he caught sight of her. "What are you doing here?" he said. He was trying to sound menacing and threatening, but it came out more a whine than a growl.

She smiled at him, "What, baby, don't you miss your bitch?"

He faltered and opened his mouth, but she cut him off by sitting up abruptly. "Don't say anything." she whispered huskily. She grinned as he set his food down on the dresser, momentarily distracted by her naked in his bed. Oh! I forgot she was naked!

"Why'd you trash my room?" he picked up a piece of his Xbox, his eyes narrowing. "I should beat you." he glared at her. Go on and try it

She threw her head back and let out a laugh, "Go ahead! See how much you regret it." her voice was still playful, and he didn't catch the threat in the words alone.

He stepped over to her and grabbed her wrist and yanked her from the bed. "You'll be the one regretting," he muttered, but he kissed her. Always, always, she thought, that's how he works. Violent and sweet at the same time. Kissing and hitting was his game. He loved the sight of blood.

Well, she could show him blood, too. She pressed herself against him, dragging her nails down his back and biting his lip.
"Ow!" he yelped and jumped back, his hand flying to his lips where red coated his fingers. She licked her lips, enjoying the sweet tang of the blood. "What the hell!?" he screamed and raised his hand to back hand her.

At that moment she snarled and her teeth grew pointed and her nails became long and sharp. The room swam red as her eyes flashed crimson. "Don't you touch me." she growled in a low tone. He stumbled backwards, scared out of his wits. that's more like it!

"W-what the fu--!"

She raked her claws across his face-cutting off his screams. "You called me a freak..." she whispered as she gathered his hair in her clawed fist and pushed her face close to his. "I will damn well show you freak." Her tongue slithered out and lapped up the blood from his cheek. He shivered from her touch, he opened and closed his mouth, trying in vain to speak or scream.

She threw him to the ground, enjoying the sound his skull made as it cracked on the floor. His blood smelled sweet and tempting, but she didn't give in. Not yet.

He scrambled up and bolted for the door, but she was too quick and too strong. She snatched his belt and yanked him backwards, throwing him onto the bed that creaked in protest. Her nostrils absorbed the smell of his fear in the air. It drove her mad. The wolf inside her begged and snarled to be released. She compelled her fur to show a little. She felt the prickle of fur erupting on her belly and her limbs popping. She walked on her toes that remembered wolf pads over to the dresser where he had left his food. She stabbed a piece of chicken with her claws and chewed the meat in her mouth. She grimaced at the taste of cooked meat. The wolf inside of her wanted blood; wanted fresh meat.

A high pitched whining noise caught her attention and she looked over to him, curled in the fetal position in his bed. He was shaking as if he was having a seizure, and she laughed. "You will never hit another woman again," she snarled out as her mouth lost its function for words and fangs filled her muzzle. She fell on all fours as her fingers curled into paws and her spine crunched in an instant of pain before she stretched out as a wolf as big as a lion. Her eyes, still crimson, fell on the frightened man as he screamed, his throat raw. Her tail flicked with amusement as she pounced on her prey, her jaws reveling in the sweet taste of flesh and blood. His screams soon stopped and her howls of triumph filled the night.


Woo, I really enjoyed reading this. I felt everything she did, and I loved it. Not much to critique besides the grammar. Your style was fast-paced while still being descriptive, nice. Keep writing!

~Lauren
Favorite books:

The Hunger Games

Eyes Like Stars

Life of Pi

Mortal Instruments

Howl's Moving Castle




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Hmm, kuddos on the sweet story, Chryssa! I really like a good werewolf story, and this didn't disappoint me. My main concerns are only grammatical and spelling, which I have outlined below.
He stepped over to her and grabbed her wrist and yanked her from the bed.

He screamed and raised his hand to back hand her.

"Don't you touch me," she growled in a low tone.
You had a few lines of dialogue like this that weren't written right. Remember, when writing dialogue, if it's interrupted, you've got to put commas in.
She raked her claws across his face, cutting off his screams.

She snatched his belt and yanked him backwards

He was shaking as if he was having a seizure, and she laughed.

She fell on all fours as her fingers curled into paws and her spine crunched in an instant of pain before she stretchedout as a wolf as big as a lion.
This one confused me a little at the end, but it's only the sentence structure. It kind of reads awkward to me.
I'm striving to be the Architect of the Apocalypse, Master of the Massacre, Ruler of the Rapture, and the Führer of the Fatal.

"It is the tale, not he who tells it." --Stephen King

Take THAT, society!




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This was really good but really scary at the same time, (In a good way :P) I have no nitpicks on this I was just reading it and wanted to say that I loved it :D
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments




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Thanks you guys for the nice reviews : ) I'll correct the grammer as soon as I can. I've never been the best at it, anyway. Just good enough to pass my English essays.
MDR FTW X3

DANCER



I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman