( Title Unknown) Chapter 1

"Shut up!" The dragon swung his heavy tail towards his prisoner, barely missing her head. The girl fell silent at last. In the brief momen of quiet, the dragon scanned the sky and sighed."Come, the hole is sealing," he murmered.

"I do not wish to take orders from dragons with bad tempers," the girl threw back at him.

The dragon narrowed his silver eyes. "I don't care whether you wish to do it or not to do it. All that matters to me is when you do it," the dragon said calmly.

"Well, you'll be waiting for quite some time before you see me obeying a dragon," the girl said.

The dragon clenched his teeth to keep his temper under controll. "My master will be most displeased if you behave like this," the dragon said quietly.

"If your master wants something from me that badly, he will do me no harm," the girl replied.

"You're trying my patience, Aureen," the dragon said, his temper rising. The girl opened her mouth to say something, but she stopped. "Yes, I know your name is Aureen," the dragon said with a sly smile.

"I don't know how you know my name, or why you're looking at me like that, but it makes me very uneasy. I would greatly appreciate it if you went back to wherever you came from." Aureen saw the dragon make a move towards her, and she quickly added, "Without me."

The dragon looked away for a brief moment. He turned to face the girl, but she had disappeared. The dragon looked around frantically. He saw her just as the shadows of the forrest swollowed her. The dragon sighed and muttered to himself. "Delays, delays." He spread his wings and took off towards the forrest.

Aureen tore through the forrest, pushing past branches, leaping over upraised tree roots, and stumbling across tangled vines. She looked behind her to see if the dragon was following her. Not seeing anything, she sat up against an oak tree to catch her breath.

The sound of rustling leaves made Aureen jerk her head towards the sound. As she was looking in the direction of the noise, she felt something breathing down her neck. Aureen slowly turned her head and found herself staring straight into the gleaming silver eyes of the dragon. All Aureen could see was the dragon's shining eyes. The dragon's jet black body was hidden in the darkness of the ofrest. Aureen screamed in surprise. The dragon silenced her by curling his tail around her neck threateningly. "You don't want to draw the creatures of the forest to you," the dragon hissed.

"What could possibly be in this forest that a dragon can't scare off?" Aureen sighed after freeing herself from the dragon's tail.

A snarl made Aureen and the dragon turn around. The girl saw the yellow eyes of an animal. The dragon bared his teeth. "Brieken," the dragon growled. "How on Earth did you get down here?" Aureen looked from one pair of glowing eyes to the other.

"When you break through the spell, smaller creatures can come through," Brieken sneered.

"What makes you want to come here?" the dragon asked. "

I have a message from out master," Brieken answered.

"Go on," the dragon said impatiently.

"He is growing tired of waiting," Brieken laughed.

"Tell him I will be there shortly," the dragon replied.

"I think this is too big of a job for you, Zeren," Brieken said. "I'm sure our master will be much more satisfied with my timing than yours." The yellow eyes narrowed.

"Don't go there, Brieken," the dragon hissed.

"Just give the girl to me." Brieken tried to remain calm.

"I wouldn't do that if my life depended on it," Zeren growled.

"Oh, your life depends on it." With that, Brieken darted towards Zeren unexpectedly. The sun had risen not long ago, and Aureen could see the two figures clearly. Bricken looked almost like a seahorse. He had dull yellow wings that had curves at the top. Placed on the top of his head were two leather-like things,, the same dull yellow color of his wings. He had a long, olive green, rectangular snout that had five or six sharp points on it. His olive green tail looked like a whip with a sharp triangular piece on the end as it lashed left and right. His olive green body moved quickly and inaudibly.

"You don't want to get into a fight with me," Brieken snarled.

"We're already in a fight," Zeren growled.

Brieken dodged Zeren's heavy tail. Aureen watched in horror as Brieken curled his tail around the dragon's neck. The sharp triangular piece was against Zeren's neck, just waiting to slit the dragon's throat. Aureen didn't like the dragon, but she hated to see him die. Aureen ran to Brieken and put a hand on his back. She tried to say, "Don't," but a starge word came out. Bricken uncoiled his tail and fell to the ground shrieking and writhing. Aureen stepped away from the suffering creature. Brieken abruptly stopped thrashing around and lay on the ground, panting.

Aureen looked at the dragon in confusion. "What did you do?" she whispered.

"I didn't do anything, Aureen, you did." The dragon's eyes never left Brieken.

"I couldn't have, I've never done something like that," Aureen protested.

The dragon looked at the girl at last. "I'll explain later." The dragon turned to Brieken, but he had vanished. Zeren looked up and saw Brieken searing upward.

"Come," the dragon said. "We need to go." Something in the dragon's voice made Aureen want to go with him. Besides, she wanted to find out what Zeren was going to "explain later'. Aureen cautiously walked to the dragon and let him curl his tail around her waist. "Hold on to me," the dragon said. Aureen obeyed. Zeren closed his eyes and muttered, "The Island."

Aureen heard a sound like a gunshot and she found herself unable to breath. She gasped for air but couldn't find any. She opened her eyes, but all she could see was a blur of colors. She felt like she was falling. She tried to grab hold of the dragon, but couldn't feel him. She tried to scream, but no noise came. There was another gunshot sound and Aureen felt the dragon uncoil his tail. The girl fell to the ground. Her vision grew clear again and she could see that she wasn't in the forrest anymore.

~Dialogue separated. Happy Valentines! -Jacquie !~

Searria,

We're going to need to break it up into some more paragraphs, mainly where your characters are speaking, so you can tell which is which. Don't you think it looks hard to read this way?

Am I allowed to critique it?

Is that two paragraphs??? This is really good, but it was hard to read because I didn't know who was talking about. I'm thinking you need to break this up. Pretty good work though!

I'm writing in this notebook that I really like. I don't want to use a lot of paper, so I didn't use seperate lines for speaking. I'll fix it when I have more time. Sorry, I like the emoticons




>Searria<

by all means it's fine, just as long as you DO rewrite it now. . .

You know I like how it's going so far (and I like the plot and have seen your pictures). I know where you're heading, so I can't really comment on that. "Delays" is my favorite.

One thing that kind of bothers me is the description of Brieken. I've seen your pictures of squibbles (spelling?), and they're really cool.

Bricken looked almost like a seahorse. He had dull yellow wings that had curves at the top. Placed on the top of his head were two leather-like things,, the same dull yellow color of his wings. He had a long, olive green, rectangular snout that had five or six sharp points on it. His olive green tail looked like a whip with a sharp triangular piece on the end as it lashed left and right. His olive green body moved quickly and inaudibly.

1. What about him looks like a seahorse? You can describe that and substitute the first sentence, maybe. Kind of the like the gunshot? 2. Placed is a docile word, and it seems out of place...like, who placed it on his head? (you? )...experiment with some other words later, maybe some that will make it seem more like part of his body 3. "leather-like things" Surely there's a word out there to describe it; things is vague and general. Is it a crest? Maybe just two flaps of skin (leather is skin)? I think most of it is...try to make it all move together (the description) and use synonyms (for colors...dull yellow and olive green).

I already told you about the words like "gunshot" etc...Just try to describe it. What does a gunshot sound like?

Did I do too much? Good work. And you'd better keep writing this one!

~Jacquie~

It's FEATHER-LIKE THINGS not leather-like things. Mabe it's because of my tiny writing

I think you need to introduce your characters better.

When I started reading this, I am suddenly confronted by a few characters I have never seen before, a conversation which I don't understand and a setting which is unidentifiable.

So, slow down, bring in an introductory paragraph or two, and bring in your characters slowly. I'm not sure this is the best chapter for the first in a novel.

I know what you are talking about Firestarter, but I don't know how to write it. Could you give me some suggestions?

Searria H. wrote:In the brief momen of quiet, the dragon scanned the sky and sighed.

It is 'moment'

The dragon clenched his teeth to keep his temper under controll.

Or mean to be...'control'

She tried to say, "Don't," but a starge word came out.

I think you mean 'strange'

This is a very interesting story! I like how it started, without any introduction. The clash of personality between the dragon and Aureen is a good change from constant characters that get along all the time... Apart from the couple of typos I picked out, I didn't see any major problems

I'm looking forward to the next part!

Jaquie typed it up because I was having a bit of diffficulties.( I don't want to go into details on that) the typos were Jaquie's fault, not mine.

Hello Searria! I know there's quite a delay in posting, but... Here goes...

I enjoyed reading this! You show a great deal of potential as a writer. Mostly what you need is to develop your "voice" and put more variation in your writing. This will come in time and with experience.

I agree with Firestarter that this passage would probably not be the best way to begin your novel. Many of the best novels I have read put the reader immediately into the action, then backtrack a bit, revealing more about the characters, but I feel you have put us in a little too soon. You may want to add a few more paragraphs at the beginning, a beginning to this scene, or stretching the rest out a bit- I feel the story’s flying at full speed, giving no chance for the reader to catch a breath. Currently the story mostly consists of dialogue, which is fine, but it does help the reader to have more of a setting established, no matter how you start out the story.

You might try what I call the “Pullman-Stroud Effect”, where each chapter or section is described from a different protagonist’s view. I think it would work well for this story. You might play around with this technique, trying first the girl’s perspective, or the dragon’s, just giving more world detail.

As Jacquie mentioned, your descriptions could be improved a bit, just by stretching tweaking, expanding what you have currently. One technique, possibly my favorite writing technique, is called “Snapshot” or “Writing to Show”. This is where you pick out a random section and elaborate as fully as possible every little detail- sights, smells, sounds, tastes, textures, everything. Then take another section, and another, and do this throughout.

You seem to consistently use the same words in descriptions; you might want to add more variation. For instance- “sound like a gunshot”. Well, what is a sound like a gunshot? The first thing you must understand to describe effectively is that when you writing you’re converting senses, in this case sound to sight, because the reader sees what’s on the page. So you must help the reader by converting as realistically as possible. What if the reader has never heard a gunshot? Help them along by describing it clearly, for instance- the click of the chamber, the roll and scratch of the bullet rocketing down the barrel and exploding out, splitting the air in a piercing roar. Just something to think about. Also, once you use a description, don’t use it again. Exercise your creative muscles and write a new one.

If writing with Microsoft Word, right-click on a word you feel is a little weak for what you want to portray to the reader, and select Thesaurus… You will find a list of generally very good synonyms. If you’re not sure of a definition, look up the word in a dictionary. Thesaurus.com also provides a generally accurate thesaurus for synonyms.

I look forward to reading more of this story, and reading more of your work!

P.S. No matter whose fault the typos were, I would suggest running spell check in the future.

This story was well written but it had a tiny lack of description.

Okay, see these,

"Shut up!" The dragon swung his heavy tail towards his prisoner, barely missing her head. The girl fell silent at last. In the brief momen of quiet, the dragon scanned the sky and sighed."Come, the hole is sealing," he murmered.
Aureen is the dragon's prisoner? Then why is the dragon helping her.And er well you could have started the story with anything other than "Shut up"

He saw her just as the shadows of the forrest swollowed her.

Aureen tore through the forrest

"Forest" is misspelled

"What makes you want to come here?" the dragon asked. "

I have a message from out master," Brieken answered.

Inverted commas should be infront of "I have", not after "the dragon asked"

"We're already in a fight," Zeren growled

Put "are" between already and in.And this was funny.

but a starge word came out.

er.....Strange?

She opened her eyes,

Did she closed her eyes?

Okay, no more mistakes.

Fix the ones I mentioned.

Good luck.

I really like the whole story line, I think you need to introduce the characters better, and check your spelling but other than that I can't wait to see what you write next!

Hello! A bit of fantastical creature fighting in a forest? Cool stuff. ^_^

In the brief momen of quiet,

Just a little type there, I think you forgot a letter.

"I don't care whether you wish to do it or not to do it. All that matters to me is when you do it," the dragon said calmly.

The way the dragon says this is a little awkward. Maybe it would be better to write,

"I don't care if you wish to do it or not. All that matters to me is when."

See, what I did here is take out words that aren't completely neccessary to include. When you can take out words like that, you'd be surprised how much more smoother and sophisticated your writing becomes.

"I don't know how you know my name, or why you're looking at me like that, but it makes me very uneasy. I would greatly appreciate it if you went back to wherever you came from."

See, in writing, it's always better to try to show how the character is feeling as opposed to just telling us t hier feelings. In this instance, your telling us that she's uneasy. Instead of us having just to take your word for it, why don't you try to show her uneasiness by describing it to us? You could mention that her palms were sweaty, or maybe that her breath was quickening, heart beating faster, etc.. Use your imagination. But remember that when trying to describe the way your character's are feeling, avoid using the emotion word as much as possible. For example, you could show us that one of your character's was completely terrified without ever even using the word "scared". It's all about the imagery and description you use to create the emotion in your reader's mind. This way, they don't only know what the character is feeling, but your reader feels it too. And that's what hooks them.

Aureen slowly turned her head and found herself staring straight into the gleaming silver eyes of the dragon. All Aureen could see was the dragon's shining eyes.

In this part you mention the dragon's eyes twice. Why don't you describe another one if his features? Maybe his smoking nostrils (if he breathes fire), his scaly skin, long teeth, you know, stuff like that? You should try to avoid repetition in your writing as much as possible, as most of the time it can distract your reader from the story.

"What could possibly be in this forest that a dragon can't scare off?" Aureen sighed after freeing herself from the dragon's tail.

Would Aureen really sigh as she said this? Imagine her in this situation. Would you sigh as you said this after getting out of the probably tight grip of a dragon's tail? You should describe her as doing something a little more angrier, like maybe snapping (Aureen snapped) or just something that generally showed her anger at having been roughly handled by the dragon and then being told (in her opinion) an absurd statement.

A snarl made Aureen and the dragon turn around.

Maybe you could just say they both turned around? It would make the sentence a lot less awkward to read.

"He is growing tired of waiting," Brieken laughed.

"Tell him I will be there shortly," the dragon replied.

Remember, when writing dialogue, you don't always need to have a tag afterwards. If you do, sometimes it can become really distracting, like in this instance. Since only the dragon and Brieken are talking in this part, you don't really need to mention that the dragon replied. If there were more people engaged in the conversation, then maybe you'd need to, because we would get confused otherwise. But when there's only the two of them, the reader can follow their conversation easily without you having to tag thier every statement.

On the part where the dragon and Brieken start fighting, I noticed that you began describing Brieken after he had advanced on the dragon. I'm afraid this is rather bad timing. If suddenly two character's in your story start fighting, the last thing you want to do is jump into detailed description of thier clothing, body features and all that.

What I would suggest to fix this is just to take that lovely description you have their and simply put it before the fight scene. That way, when you get to the fight, you can jump right into the exciting details without running the risk of potentially boring your reader with ill-placed description at the very moment you create tension.

She tried to say, "Don't," but a starge word came out.

Another typo.

she could see that she wasn't in the forrest anymore.

And one more. ^_^


Well, I hoped I've been able to help you with this critique. If you have any question about anything, feel free to PM me anytime.


[s]BlackGhost[/s]