Untitled

they were forgotten
in the rush and anticipation of age,
as wrinkles settled into
weathered skin,
where scars had ripped their place into being-
the dreams eroded from my mind
and fell away, gone in the midst
of what I thought was so much more,
when there was still so much to be done.

and age hit.
it was gradual, but also
painful and sorrowful,
accompanied by aches and pains,
in elbows and knees
and the heart,
which had shriveled and stooped
like an elderly woman,
withering and shivering
and scared of the world.

everything had been accomplished,
the monotony of growing older had been
all used up, and the absence of dreams
of wants and needs and goddamned desires
that I never had
gnaws and claws and tears away
the satisfaction that
triumph should bring.


I feel like it's a bit anti-climactic, but I don't know how to strengthen the ending. Any thoughts?
Any and all title suggestions are dearly welcomed.
Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

Persephoneia wrote:#FF0000 ">They were forgotten
in the rush and anticipation of age,
as wrinkles settled into
weathered skin,
where scars had ripped their place into being-
the dreams eroded from my mind
and fell away, gone in the midst
of what I thought was so much more,
when there was still so much to be done. #FF0000 ">This stanza is a little bit interesting. Not exactly in what it's talking about, but how it's wrote. Grammatically speaking, it's just one long sentence. I went through it trying to find a place for a period and never found one! Other than that, this was still interesting enough. I got a little confused at the end though after rereading it. What are these things you are talking about, the "they" you mention at the beginning?

#FF0000 ">And age hit. #FF0000 ">I would actually suggest a "Then age hit" instead of "And age hit." Mostly just because I don't really like sentences that start with an "and".
#FF0000 ">It was gradual, but also
painful and sorrowful,
accompanied by aches and pains#FF0000 ">, (no comma needed I think. No real need for a pause here)
in elbows and knees
and the heart,
which had shriveled and stooped #FF0000 ">Did you mean stop here? I don't think I've ever heard of a heart withering and then stooping.
like an elderly woman,
withering and shivering
and scared of the world.

#FF0000 ">Everything had been accomplished#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">The monotony of growing older had been
all used up, and the absence of dreams#FF0000 ">,
of wants and needs and goddamned desires
that I never had
gnaws and claws and tears away
the satisfaction that
triumph should bring.

Interesting poem. Never read a poem about aging quite like this. I think a good title may be "Aging to Dust" maybe, or something similar. But that's just a thought. Also, I do agree about the ending being anti-climactic. Maybe to fix that you could end it with something that brings you back to the youthful memories and makes your heart beat faster or something, something that contrasts the dragged feeling of age.

You have this line "...when there was still so much to be done." and then you talk about how "everything had been accomplished," so its kind of confusing but it does still express the sorrow and pain of aging. I liked it and thought it was original.

this was well written i liked how you said everything and you got the point across really well.

as for a title i don;t think i can help you there. i actually liked the suggestions from above.

~Adeera~