Literally Crazy

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This is one of my scrap stories so sorry for all of the errors and problems you find xD. I'll use your tips on my 'real' stories. ;)
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Amanda Collins and her mother had just moved into a new house – her new supposed-to-be home. She was seventeen and a half years old and she had been spoiled all her life. She was pretty but she always kept a sour look on her face. Their last servant had to lose her job because of the move and Amanda was getting pretty anxious because there was no one she could order around. Her mom enjoyed showing her around the house though.

The sun went down and it rose up again. It was already Monday and their newly hired housemaid was supposed to arrive that day. It was early summer and she was left alone in the house because her mom had to go to work. Her father died before she was born, but they were rich and didn’t experience any sort of financial problem at all.

The doorbell rang. Amanda sighed as she got off the couch and reluctantly walked towards the main door which directly leads to the living room. She was actually waiting for the new maid to arrive, lying. Her blondish black hair and black skirt spread out on the cushy furniture. She sighed again as she turned the knob and opened the carved wooden door.

“Good morning, Ms. Collins,” greeted the maid as soon as she saw Amanda.

They both looked at each other for a moment. The maid was wearing the typical black-and-white maid uniform and a maid’s hat covered most of her brunette hair. She was rather thin, but her friendly-looking face made her pretty.

“Shut up, servant,” Amanda said after she got a good look of the new maid.

Her flowery pink blouse was well lit by the friendly morning sunlight that came through the door.

“Serve ant?” The maid replied with wonder written on her face. She chuckled a bit. “Why would I serve an ant, ma’am? My name’s Marsha by the way.”

“Oh, just come along!” said Amanda, walking towards the living room.

“A long what?” Marsha whispered to herself as she followed, stepping softly upon the white-tiled floors.

“This is obviously the living room,” Amanda said with sarcasm as they were finally at the centre of the room, gesturing with her two hands.

There was a small, oblong, glass table right at their knees. A rose was placed upon its centre which was put in a water-filled glass vase. Three soft two-seater couches of rosy pink surrounded it. The wide, flat-screen television, which was placed upon a huge TV cabinet, was behind them. There were racks of CDs at the sides of the TV cabinet. A glossy, bright chandelier was glowing right above them.

“It’s pretty neat for a new house,” the maid remarked after she had a good look around.

“We had all of the movers arrange all of our furniture. That means less work for you. It might come down on your salary,” said Amanda in an attempt to mock the cheerful-looking maid.

It failed though for Marsha remained cheerful and it was so evident in her still young face.

“Okay,” was all that she replied.

The spoiled teenager frowned, annoyed by the cheerfulness that persisted within the maid.

What the heck is wrong with this wench? she thought. “Ugh,” she muttered. “There’s no point in showing you every part of this house. I’m sure you’ll figure the place out. Go out and buy me some ice cream.”

“Okay, ma’am,” said the maid as Amanda handed her some money. “Excuse me, ma’am.”

She then turned away towards the main door and left.

Several minutes passed and Amanda had grown very impatient waiting on the couch while watching the television. The show was unfortunately not entertaining for her though, and she had changed her position on the couch a lot of times already.

What’s taking that maid so long? she complained in her thought.

Finally, the doorbell rang, and Amanda stood up and went to open the door in a very impatient manner.

“What took you so—” she was about to complain but was stopped by the sight of the maid holding up in front of her a cup of cream with ice cubes on it with both hands.

“Here you go, ma’am,” said Marsha, smiling.

“What? Are you crazy?” retorted Amanda. “This isn’t ice cream! This is ice on cream!”

“Sorry, ma’am,” said the maid.

“Ack! Forget it,” said the teenager. “Just go out there and buy me some French fries. This is your last chance, servant. I’ll have you fired if you won’t get this one right. Go!”

She pushed Marsha out of the door when she said “go”, turned around, and sat down on a couch again. But, this time, the wait did not take long. It was like only a few minutes until the doorbell rang again.

“That was fast,” Amanda remarked as she stood up and went to get the door again, but actually, she was already getting tired of doing it.

An unrecognized face greeted hers as she opened the door.

“Bonjour!” greeted the stranger with a smile like Marsha’s. Amanda realized that the man that stood in front of her was French. He was tall and muscular and was wearing a black newsboy cap which was turned to the right side.

“What the—!?” was her sudden reaction. “Marsha!” she called after she noticed the maid behind the French. “Who the heck is this!?” She gestured with her right hand.

“It’s a French man I met on the street!” said Marsha as she moved towards the side of the stranger to show herself.

What the heck is this wench thinking? complained Amanda.

“It was really lucky for me to find someone so fast, ma’am. I can speak French too, you know?” continued the maid.

“Marsha,” called Amanda in a harsh manner. “I asked for French fries, not a French man! H—”

“He knows how to fry, ma’am,” said the maid.

“That iz correct, madam,” confirmed the French with a distinguishable accent, and said, counting with his fingers, “Chicken, eh...Fish, Eggs—”

“That’s it, servant,” Amanda coldly said, her face frowning in anger. “You’re fired! Get out of here!”

The French man quickly went away as he got scared of the teenager’s outburst. Marsha, on the other hand, remained and stood still.

“What are you waiting for!?” exclaimed Amanda. “Get—”

“I was only testing your patience, ma’am,” said Marsha in a firm manner.

“How dare y—!” replied the teenager.

“Now, I’ve decided, I wouldn’t want to work for someone like you,” continued the maid. “You may think it was crazy but, like what they say, ‘Patience is a virtue’ and I was testing yours. Have a good day, ma’am.”

Then, she finally walked away and was no longer in sight. Amanda stood there, motionless, thinking about what the maid just said to her. Her narrow eyes looked blankly into space as the wind that came from outside the door blew her hair.

Crazy, she thought, but, deep inside, she was struggling. Maybe, she’s right…but, why the heck did she act that way!? Screw it.
Last edited by Caerulean on Sun Dec 26, 2010 9:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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hi,
okay, your giving a lot of information in quite big chunks at the start. Spread it out a bit.
Her blondish black hair was untied and she was wearing a flowery pink blouse and a black short skirt which suited her normal-sized body well. She had a pretty face but she always wore a sour look.

Try to drop this information in around the story. Make it part of the story; instead of telling the reader she had blondish black hair, maybe say She flicked her blondish black hair out of the way so she could get a better look at the maid.

“Shut up, servant,” the latter said.

This doen't make sense. To talk about someone being the latter you have to actually give two examples of people before you say it. For example: "I bumped into Bill and Joe, but only the latter said hi." (The latter being Joe) Also it wouldn't work anyway because the last person you spoke about was the maid, and it was Amanda that was speaking.

“What took you so—” she complained but was stopped by the sight of the maid holding up in front of her a cup of cream with ice cubes on it with both hands.

At the start you should probably write She was about to complain because she didn't actually manage to complain yet.

Also, all your speech takes the same stucture; "speech" #FF0000 ">said whoever what they are doing. Try to vary it a bit, maybe, for example, instead of
“Here you go, ma’am,” #FF0000 ">said Marsha with a smile on her face.
try something like: #FF0000 ">Marsha had a big smile on her face. "Here you go ma'am".

the wind that came from outside the door blew her hair.

Blew her hair where. You need to add something on the end of this, like back, or around. Leaving it like that does sound odd.

Overall I think it was a good story, it just needs a bit of work. The main points are varying some of your sentence structure and not just giving the readers information, but incorporating it into the story to make it flow better, especially at the start as this is where you are meant to grab the reader.

Nats
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water




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Hello there :)
The previous reviewer probably covered what I wanted to say. The first two paragraphs of the story are actually quite fact based. I couldn't tell whether I was reading a story or your MC's personal profile. I feel whatever information you provided in those paragraphs, you could mesh them in between the story to make it more involving.
I think that though you tried to bring the humour and frustration out of the story, I was distracted with how choppy everything was. There was a miss-connection between the two characters because of that and therefore very little connection towards the reader (me). Everything to me felt rushed. Before I could settle into the idea of what the new maid had done, all of a sudden she was leaving, for example. Also, who is the maid? Where does she come from? I want to know.
However, your writing is really good and I think that's what saved the day in the end.

Keep writing and good luck
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Heyy, just wanted to say I can see the effect you are trying to have but as ziggiefred pointed out the first paragraphs should entice the reader into the story - a hook. It was a little too show and not tell for my liking. However saying that I'd like to see how it develops because it seems to have an interesting basis.

Sorry for the negative comments, I was intrigued though. :)

-J.A.C
Anything different is just an invasion of your livelihood and you will fight to protect it. Answer me this; shouldn’t you be fighting to get out, to be something more? Or do you enjoy being just like the rest? - J.A.C 23/11/10




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I think the general atmosphere you are setting is good, that is the general plot, but try not to be cliché with the language, making it seem dread. Put emphasis on the maid if she is important to the plot, or somehow show characterization through how Amanda thinks. You should ask yourself why you started off this way, what were you trying to evoke from the reader, what were you trying to show them through this beginning.
‘The sun went down and it rose up again’ does not quite show enthusiasm in your writing, it seems you are just in hurry to get to the next day, let the sentence blend into the next day. to make it interesting you could try make the reader feel as Amanda is feeling, why she is being rude to the maid, and remember some maids would not actually speak to their bosses’ daughter like that unless they really knew her. I am sorry if I repeated anything anyone said but thought to add other thoughts to it. natsworthy covers some points I would have made




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Thanks for the reviews, guys. I agree that this story needs a lot of development to make it 'beautiful' and all but, I actually just wanted it to be plain and simple. Also, this is like my break story 'cause I'm still resting from writing my novel xD. Again, thanks. :D
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Hey, Whisper! Here to review! ^.^

Nitpicks/Comments


Amanda Collins and her mother had just moved into a new house – her new supposed-to-be home. She was seventeen and a half years old and she had been spoiled all her life. She was pretty but she always kept a sour look on her face. Their last servant had to lose her job because of the move and Amanda was getting pretty anxious because there was no one she could order around. Her mom enjoyed showing her around the house though.

For the beginning of a story, you should try your best to stray away from info-dumpish beginnings. Right here you tell us basically everything we need to know about your character and that's not the best way to go about it. You want us to infer what she's like and who she is through her actions. Show us being pretty but having a sour face, show us she's spoiled by crying over something she can't have. "Showing us" is the key thing here. It's stronger and it allows for our minds to picture the character somewhat easier.
It was early summer and she was left alone in the house because her mom had to go to work. Her father died before she was born, but they were rich and didn’t experience any sort of financial problem at all.

This seems to be an awkwardly placed sentence. First you talk about a new day, going to work and housemaids and then you just throw the father part in there. It disturbs the flow of your piece when you don't give information in any sort of consecutive order. However, this can be an easy fix if you try to rewrite your piece in some areas.
Her blondish black hair and black skirt spread out on the cushy furniture.

I don't understand this part, spread out on the cushy furniture, how? I thought she was at the door? So how does her hair and all spread over the furniture? I think your sentences are mixed a little.
“Shut up, servant,” Amanda said after she got a good look of the new maid.

That is a very rude way to greet someone new. I work in the customer service business and I find that respect is something all employees seem to crave. With that said, only someone who has no self-respect can manage to work for people like your protagonist. If this maid has any self respect, she would throw down her towel and leave after those words. Maybe you should dig deeper with the maid and let us know more about her personality and why she would even continue to serve her, she's a maid not a slave.
Also, I don't think maids go out to buy ice cream for teenagers...This makes me wonder what time period they're living in for some reason.
“What? Are you crazy?” retorted Amanda. “This isn’t ice cream! This is ice on cream!”

Ahaha, this actually made me laugh. How clever.
“What the—!?” was her sudden reaction

I dislike the way you us 'was all she replied' or 'was her reaction' and 'was what she had said' use in here. It makes it feel very distant and not present-action. Try to just use the word 'she said', 'she reacted', 'she replied'. It's easier to read and could help your flow overall. Suggestion really, if you want to keep it the way it is, that's fine too. Though using those will make the reader feel more engaged with the story.
What the heck is this wench thinking? complained Amanda in her thought.

It's already given with the italics that she's thinking so you don't necessarily have to say it twice.
“Now, I’ve decided, I wouldn’t want to work for someone like you,” continued the maid. “You may think it was crazy but, like what they say, ‘Patience is a virtue’ and I was testing yours. Have a good day, ma’am.”

Now that's more like it, leave her be and go find work that isn't torture. However, I'm ashamed that this maid tested her for so long and even went ahead to waste her time on this brat. It's obvious from the beginning that she's a spoiled kid who thinks her foot is bigger than everyone else's.
Crazy, she thought, but, deep inside, she was struggling. Maybe, she’s right…but, why the heck did she act that way!? Screw it.

I really wish you hadn't ended this the way you did. You see, it would have been better if you took more time to develop the teenager's thoughts on herself as a person and what she wants. What does she want? Why is she the way she is and how does she realize her faults? Give us more as to whether or not she plans on changing herself.

Overall


I found this story to be interesting to read, really I did. I mean, I enjoyed the way you made the maid go through the little test and bring back a misinterpretation of what your protagonist wanted. I thought the ice cream part was the best but the fries could have been somewhat better - but it was still funny to read and I had no idea she was actually going to do that. Surprise! You plot was different, however it's hard to grasp the main meaning of it since there really wasn't much of a resolution, you know? Like I understand it's about patience and personality, respect and all but it doesn't go too far into that level where you'd learn something. I'd work more on the ending if I were you.

Now, as far as writing and characterization go, I don't think there is much for me to comment on besides what I had already mentioned about the beginning which also needs some construction. I think you should try less info-dumping there and give us a better, more pulling opener. Drag us into your story by stating something that catches a reader's eye and makes them want more of what you provide. Doing so, I think you could actually cut a little bit out of her life story and just open up with her roaming her new house and muttering to herself about whatever it is that makes her sour and mean. This also give you some space to develop her character with out 'telling' us who she is and also makes up for some emotional stress or whatever concerning the MC.

Overall, I did enjoy this story. It's not one of you best works but I did find it fun to read. Your writing is again, flawless with punctuation errors with makes it so much easier for me to critique it appropriately. Good job, Whisperer! If you have any questions or comments, be sure to drop me a message or something. ^.^

Keep it up,
-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham



It's been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.
— Mr Collins, Pride and Prejudice