A Boy, A Girl, and A Steel Apartment Door

The door was slightly ajar.
Probably, probably, it was all making her head hurt. She kicked the door closed. It didn't have the same effect as it would have if it had been wide open. Her feet trembled in her boots.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
But she wasn't sorry.
She danced around the point, a bitter-looking butterfly.
"You were always a crybaby," he said, laughing.
But she wasn't going to let him see her cry she wasn't going to let him see her smile even. Her whole body was shaking now.
He was on the other side of the door. Whispering words she didn't want to hear. She could barely make them out but the lollipop barely began to dissolve in her mouth before she slammed her hip into the door to try to scare him away.
He wouldn't move, he wouldn't move, the words she probably spoke were making her fingers go numb and as a result her hip started to hurt. She locked the door.
Doors were a strange focal point of her life at this point. He would come to the door, he would go through the door, she would open the door and close the door, the door may have been everything.
"I'm not going to leave until you let me in."
"No."
But he just laughed.
Doors, doors, doors. She started to cry. But no, it might have been her conscience's fault that she wouldn't open the door.
Her hand rested on the doorknob.
"There's no point in this anymore."
"You're just going to lock me out until we both die?"
The answer she couldn't give. Here was nothing. Here was someone who was desperate to the point of coming to her door every night it seemed, and she couldn't do a thing.
She looked through the keyhole. His eye reciprocated the gaze and she noticed a certain blankness in it. That blankness, she thought, may have occurred to her at some point in her life as well.
"No."
"Well, let me in."
She peeled a Post-it from the stack and wrote in almost illegible handwriting. It may have been her nerves getting to her, but she stuck it on the inside of the door, unlocked it silently, and went down the fire escape like the day the apartment complex had almost burned down.

Probably, probably, it was all making her head hurt. She kicked the door closed. It didn't have the same effect as it would have if it had been wide open. Her feet trembled in her boots. Just a suggestion, it'd probably be more grammatically correct if it was "It was probably, probably, all making her head hurt."

But she wasn't going to let him see her cry; she wasn't going to let him see her smile even.

Other than that, I just didn't completely understand what was going on between them and thought the ending came too quick, with not enough action and complication. I think short stories work best with some kind of clever twist in the element - this could do well with one. But right now, it just seems kind of blank, like it's just randomly writing about something that happened, with no rhyme or reason.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Well, I must say, this is different. I'm still a little confused about the subject and the idea of this. Are you planning on expanding on it sometime? Are you planning on turning this into more? Is this just a prologue? Anyways, on to my critiques.

Probably, probably, it was all making her head hurt.

I was confused on the wording of this. Maybe you meant, "Probably. Probably. It was..."

But she wasn't going to let him see her cry. She wasn't even going to let him see her smile.

I think this way may read better.

He wouldn't move, he wouldn't move. The words she probably spoke were making her fingers go numb and as a result her hip started to hurt.

This also confuses me. How are her words making her fingers numb? Also, the probably you have there doesn't seem to be needed.

She peeled a Post-it from the stack and wrote in almost illegible handwriting. It may have been her nerves getting to her, but she stuck it on the inside of the door, unlocked it silently, and went down the fire escape like the day the apartment complex had almost burned down.

To me, this whole end just screams "Prologue!" If this isn't a prologue to something more or just an opening, then I would suggest expanding more, adding more plot and character development. What did she write down? Why did she write it? Who is this person on the other side of the door? Why is she going down the fire escape? What about the fire that almost burned down the complex? This kind of leaves way too many cliff hangers. Like I said, you should either expand on this idea, or add more to this.

Ahhh! I want to know what she wrote on the Post-it note! I want to know so bad! And I want to know what's happening!

I get the feelings of nervousness and anxiety. It seems that the girl and the guy have a past.

I really do hope this is a prologue for something. =)

This is really good, and I love the metaphor you had of doors and life.

Mazey wrote:Ahhh! I want to know what she wrote on the Post-it note! I want to know so bad! And I want to know what's happening!

I get the feelings of nervousness and anxiety. It seems that the girl and the guy have a past.

I really do hope this is a prologue for something. =)

This is really good, and I love the metaphor you had of doors and life.

Agreed. on every point.

Although I would LOVE to see more of this, any of this. if it's a book, or simply a larger story, I would love to see this expanded.