The Orphan From The Future (Prologue)

Spoiler

This is a story I plan to finish and I would be very thankful for any reviews

The sudden change from darkness to light caught me unaware took me by surprise. The dazzling sunlight blinded me for a few moments but as my eyes began to adjust, I found a landscape familiar to me. All around were the rolling hills, lush meadows and deep green forests. A winding river that babbled tales of the journey from the mountains and longing for the sea. And warmest of all our old stone cottage safely tucked away, hit in our cosy valley between two hills. Was I at home last?

I turned east expecting to see the looming mountains casting its shadow over the land but all there deal was was a cloudless blue sky. On the horizon two brightly coloured song birds flew past filling the air with a sweet crisp tune. Silhouetted against a glorious backdrop sat three figures.

It was her. Her blonde hair was draped slightly over her right shoulder and though I could only see that there was a presence that told me it was her. My mother.

The brown-haired man, who I guess was my father, had his back to me and was shaking with laughter even though I couldn't hear it. It was as though I was watching them through glass, soundproof glass.

The other figure was a girl, perhaps a few years older than me. She could have been my sister or even me. But her expensive silver and blue silk dress was something I could never afford. Her silky long ginger hair was neatly cut just below her shoulder blades, quite opposite from my messy, ragged boy cut. She was facing me so that I could see her eyes twinkle with joy, a look never caught upon my face, not since my infancy, since my mother’s death.

As I stared into lively eyes, I felt my own begin to cloud. I self-consciously wiped them, yet I felt no tears. That was when the tugging begin, urging me to let myself be drawn away, back, back and down, down into the darkness. Distracted I nearly did not notice that the girl was staring at me as though she had only just caught sight of me. She smiled at and started to say something but I struggled to hear her. Just before the darkness came, however, by reading the motion of her lips, I'm pretty certain she was saying "Hope! There is hope for all if you go back and save her! Go back!"


And still I was dragged, down into nothingness, torn away from a mother whose name I did not know, whose face I had only dreamed of and whose cause of death was still a mystery to me. Torn away from place I wish to stay forever.

The story line has serious potential. I don't know what you are planning for, but it feels like it building up to be an adventure story (got to love those). There were some grammer mistakes throughout, but they mostly looked like typos.

venividiandvici wrote:Just as I is all them I seem to zoom in.

I'm not really shure what you are trying to say there but again I think your hands got a bit too excited when they were typing this and messed up on a few of the words.

venividiandvici wrote:I could only see that Vere was a presence

Is Vere her mother's name? It is slightly unclear. I just assumed that.

Also, it feels like you are trying very hard to make the reader understand perfectly what is happening, but what is ending up happening is an info dump. Some times it is good to leave questions unanswered. At the same time you make up for it by not saying how/why she died and how the girl got there.

I say you should continue this.

Hi, hi! I'm Trish and I just saw your prologue, and thought that I'd come say hello and drop off a review! So first I'll start off with some nit-picks and go on from there.

Nit-Picks

So the first thing I noticed when reading this story is that you probably didn't check it over very well yet, just because of some grammar mistakes and awkward wordings that I found within your prologue. I'll point out a few so you can get a bit of an idea of what to watch out for when editing yourself, and if you would like me to point out more just give me a shout in a PM or something and I'd be glad to be of assistance!

The bright sunlight dazzled me for a few moments but as my eyes began to adjust, I found a landscape so familiar to me.

This sentence isn't too bad, but you just need to watch out for awkward wording. Like, this could be worded a bit differently to make it a bit easier for the reader to get what you're trying to say right away without having to read it over a few times to really understand. Make sure that your writing flows, so that it's not bumpy and awkward.

Ball is rolling hills, lush meadows and deep green forests.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this, but maybe look over it a bit. It's probably just a typo, but make sure you watch out for those as well!

hit in our cosy valley between two hills.

I think that you meant to say "hid". Also, the sentence that this fragment is included in might be able to be split up into more than one to reduce run-ons.

One more thing in relation to this. I found that your description was a bit "telly", meaning that it doesn't really paint a picture in the reader's head as well as it could. Remember to show, don't tell!

Is as I was watching them through glass, soundproof glass.

"It was as if I was..."?

The other figure was a girl, perhaps the of years older than me.

Not sure what you're trying to say here.

She was facing me so I could see her eyes twinkle with joy, a look no one would have seen upon my face since my infancy, since my mother is death.

Watch out for when you should use a word a certain way and not another. You must mean that her mother is dead, not death. Make sure your wording makes sense.

So that's all the nit-picks I'm going to do for now, but feel free to ask if you would like me to help you with editing, though I'm sure that you're able to do so as well. Just watch out for what I warned you about, awkward wording, typos, etc. and you'll be fine!

Characters

There's not much I can really say here since this is only the prologue, except make sure you're developing your characters as real and believable people. You want your readers to be able to believe that the characters could exist and that they will be able to relate with them so that your story is more interesting.

If you're ever having trouble with developing characters, just do a quick google search for tips and advice. However, remember that the key to having good character development is through good descriptions, believable dialogue and continuity. Base how your characters act and talk off of how real people act and talk. Be an observer and develop your characters as real people. If you don't care about them, nobody else will either.

Plot

Again, there's not much to say here except good job so far. I can already see that you have an idea and are developing that within your story.

All I can say is to make sure you don't rush or lag, set a steady pace and keep with it. Don't rush with your pace and then all of the sudden slow down drastically. Stay steady!

Overall

Overall, you have a good start here even if it could use some going over. Just keep with it, and I can already see that it's going to turn into something good.

I really can't wait to read what happens next and how you take this story. You've got a really intriguing and hooking idea, one that I'm excited to see fleshed out and continued.

Just make sure that you read over and watch for typos etc. like I suggested and you'll be fine. Always go over your writing with a fine tooth comb to catch all those pesky mistakes so that your story is as good as it can be!

But anyways, good luck with the continuation, which I'll be keeping an eye out for, and I sincerely hope that this review helped you! Remember to feel free to PM me with comments, questions, etc. and I'll get back to you ASAP! See you around and welcome to YWS!

Thanks guys for your reviews!!!
As you probably know I am a newbie so my proof reading was not great.
I'll make those changes staight away.

Vicky

VICKY!!!!!!! Glad to see you're still alive (Thanks for the review, by the way: much appreciated.)

So, I'm here at last. I checked your portolio again today, and I was like: SHE HAS POSTED!!!
So I ran here ... well, no ... I clicked here ... And decided to start my review today.

WARNING: I may sound critical at first, but, as you shall see by the end, I really loved your prologue.

Now.
Without further ado, I would like to introduce my review.

I am going to start off with grammar.
*Universal groan*
Yes, I know, but unfortunately it's essential.
So.

Well, I have to say that several grammatical and structural errors occurred to me quite quickly. (Forgive me if what I say has been said already: I decided not to read the previous reviews, but to go on with mine immediately.) Okay, first sentence. I wasn't exactly sure what you were trying to convey here. 'The sudden change of light ...'. It's telling the reader that there was light already, but it suddenly changed somehow. Whereas your next sentence tells us that it was actually dark before and that there is suddenly light. Or - I dunno - could you make it clearer what you're trying to say?
'The bright sunlight dazzled me for a few moments but as my eyes began to adjust, I found a landscape so familiar to me.' Definitely eliminate the word 'so'. It does not make sense. If you wish, you could add 'very' or something similar. Or alternately, you could say ' ... I found myself looking upon a very familiar landscape'.
'Ball is rolling hills, lush meadows and deep green forests.' What is Ball? A place? Should you say 'Ball was' instead of 'Ball is'? Or did you mean 'below were'? (Sorry if that was a tad confusing.)
'The winding river that babbled tales of the journey from the mountains and longing for the sea and our old stone cottage safely tucked away, hit in our cosy valley between two hills.' I'm sorry I'm going through this sentence by sentence, but it seems to be necessary. Okay, so here the structure lost me. Definitely change the word 'hit'. I'm not sure what you meant by it. Maybe, 'The winding river that babbled tales of journeys in the mountains, longing for the sea, and our old stone cottage safely tucked away, flowed through our cosy valley between two hills.' Or are you trying to say that the cottage was hid in the cosy valley between two hills? Edit that, please!
'I turned east expecting to see the looming mountains and casting its shadow over the land but all deal was was a cloudless blue sky.' I think proper proofreading would reveal the errors in this sentence. Here is my suggestion: 'I turned east, expecting to see the looming mountains casting their shadows over the land, but all there was was a cloudless blue sky.'
'It was then I caught sight of those three figures on the horizon. Just as I is all them I seem to zoom in.' It would be my advice to change the following things (the second sentence especially was very confusing): instead of 'it was then I', say, 'it was then that I' (grammatical error); and, er, please do explain to me what you mean by 'Just as I is all then I seem to zoom in'.
' ... and though I could only see that Vere was a presence that told me it was her. My mother. I do like the way you bring this person into the story, but the middle of the sentence is very muddled. What is 'Vere'? What do you mean, 'a presence'? I would appreciate an explanation here.
'The brown-haired man, who I guess was my father, had his back to me and was shaking with laughter even though I couldn't hear it.' I do like this sentence. Quite nostalgic.
'Is as I was watching them through glass, soundproof glass. I think you mean 'It was as though I was watching them through glass, soundproof glass.' This few sentences and the one that describes her mother are very good otherwise.
'The other figure was a girl, perhaps the of years older than me.' What do you mean by 'the of years'? Do you mean 'three years' or 'a few years'?
'His silky long hair - ' ???????? His? I thought we were talking about a girl!
' ... not my messy raggered boy cut.' Change the conjunction here, I think. The word 'not' doesn't really fit in the context. And the word 'raggered' is ... not a word. Maybe change it to ' ... a far cry from my messy, ragged boy cut.' Good sentence otherwise.
'She was facing me so I could see her eyes twinkle with joy ...' This is very grammatically fussy, I know (sorry!) but I can't resist. Well, the girl is not facing her with intent to let her see her eyes twinkle, so I would add the word 'that' in between 'so' and 'I'. I do like this girl already - she seems to be a sort of Dickens character - at least by her descriptions so far.
' ... a look no one would have seen upon my face since my infancy, since my mother is death.' Something about the first part of this sentence bothered me, somehow ... maybe change it to ' ... a look no one could hope to catch on my face since my infancy, since my mother's death.' Or alternately, ' ... a look no one has seen on my face since my infancy, since my mother died.' Or something of that sort.
'Suddenly I felt myself being drawn away, back, back and down, down into the darkness.' Firstly, I think the beginning is unsatisfactory. 'Suddenly' by itself does not seem to be powerful or surprising or fitting enough to introduce this new phenomenon, that of her being dragged out of this perfect scene. I think you could make the transition less obvious, for starters - maybe something like: 'As I stared into those brilliant eyes, so alight with joy and happiness, I felt something. A slight tugging at the corners of my brain ... and, quite suddenly, I felt the ground fade away beneath me and something drawing me away, back, back and down, down into the darkness.' I probably wrote a little too much there - you're the author, after all! - but it's just a pointer, a suggestion. Ignore it if you wish - but I would change that sentence just a little.
'The girl stared at me with those lively eyeas though she had only just caught sight of me.' Again, the transition is a little blunt here. Maybe write something about how her eyes slid at the last moment onto her face. Another suggestion: 'And then, just as my vision began to fade, the girl's lively eyes found mine and she stared as though she had just caught sight of me.' Other than that, I like this sentence.
'She smiled at and started to say something but I couldn't hear her.' Again, a simple grammatical error - the word 'me' needs to be added between 'at' and 'and'. (WARNING: what I'm about to say may sound like I'm trying to write your story for you, but I assure you it is just a suggestion!) I would also suggest that you change 'but I couldn't hear her' into something more dramatic, something more fitting. Maybe (and 'maybe' only!) something along the lines of 'She smiled at me and started to say something, but her lips moved soundlessly: I could not hear her.'
However, by reading her lips, I'm pretty certain she was saying "Hope! There is hope for all if you go back and save her! Go back!" I love what she says - it has a sense of urgency that makes the reader want to go immediately to rescue her mother. I want to save her! It has nostalgic power, what the girl says. However, some of the rest of the sentence is slightly blunt and factual for such a dramatic scene: 'However, by reading her lips, I"m pretty certain she was saying ...'. Kind of anticlimactic, don't you think? I think you should edit that - I suggest something like (another suggestion, not an order!): 'But I concentrated on the movement of her mouth; and even through the increasing dimness of my eyes, I was certain in that moment that she was saying: "Hope! There is hope for all if you go back and save her! Go back!"' Or something along those fairly rough lines. Otherwise, this is a wonderful paragraph!
'The "her" was, I think, mother. Maybe there hope I could save her. And perhaps my father, who committed suicide in the sight of mother's death, might be alive too. Maybe I would be that girl.' Okay. Now, this paragraph is not strictly necessary. In fact, it would increase the sense of suspense, urgency and uncertainty if you removed it. I had the distinct impression that you were revealing too much by writing this paragraph. Let the reader ponder it, let them draw their own conclusions, let them yearn to understand the riddle, to find out more, to find out what happens next! What you reveal as the story goes on - and you must reveal it slowly, unwind the plot yard by yard - will ultimately lead to the climax, and those who guessed correctly will be ecstatic; and if some guessed wrongly, all the better! You do not want to reveal everything before the climax. If the character experiences a shock, let the reader also! The suspense is ruined if the reader is in on the whole plan from the beginning. Let the mystery of who they must save, and why, and how, spiral through your readers' minds. Even if the character guesses, you may want to keep the secret from your readers, so that they are frustrated and want to find out more: and then when the climax comes and the end draws near, when you unravel that last tiny bit of mystery and suspense, they will be satisfied. That, my friend, is what makes a good story!
Sorry, minor rant there.
Anyway.
'I was being pulled back into the darkness torn away from a mother whose name I did not know and who I have long puzzled of how she looked and the cause of the death.' You've already said that she was being pulled back into the darkness: maybe change the phrasing. Possibly, 'And still I was dragged, down into nothingness ...' And also, I'm sorry, but the lack of grammar and punctuation in this makes me want to *head-desk*. My suggestion is (using the change of phrasing I mentioned): 'And still I was dragged, down into nothingness, torn away from a mother whose name I did not know, whose face I had only dreamed of and whose cause of death was still a mystery to me.' Just a pointer, but I do rather favour it over the grammar-less structure of before.
'Torn away from place I wish to stay forever.' Brilliant ending sentence! Just one thing: change 'wish' to 'wished': you need to make sure you remain in past tense.

That's it for grammar!
*Universal sigh*
Yes, isn't it wonderful?

Now I shall enlighten you on my personal impression/opinion/whatever.
I really love this, Vicky! Yes, there are several grammatical mistakes, and, yes, the structure is sometimes confusing, but other than this, I think it has great potential! It is, as a prologue should be, shrouded in mystery, a sense of nagging urgency and even nostalgia (which was not overdone: well done on that). You have me yearning for more! I know you've basically outlined the plot to me already, but you've done this so well that even I can't see where it goes from here. (Although that may be due to my frightfully abysmal short-term memory.) You've even managed to include a bit of character development: I can already see certain fractions of personality in each of the people you've introduced. The plot looks like it's going to be fabulously exciting!
I'm not trying to pressure you or sound like I'm trying to write your story for you, but I do think that for grammar's sake you should at least take note of the improvements/corrections/suggestions I've listed above.
PLEASE DO NOT THINK YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I'VE SAID: IT'S YOUR STORY AND NOBODY'S GOT THE RIGHT TO WRITE IT EXCEPT YOU. However, I don't think it would hurt to look over my advice.
I think I've made my point.

So, finally, I take my leave.
*Universal cheering*
I hope I've been useful.
*Delicate coughing*

Anyway, as I said, I'm going now. Even though you're probably not reading this: I doubt you've made it to the end of this review - awake, that is.

*Universal snoring*

Goodbye!
- Ignis

Thanks

Um ... Okay. I'm going to do what you told me to, and ask you some questions. To anyone reading this who doesn't know what it's about, don't worry - I don't either.

1. Why did you choose to make your username 'venividiandvici'?
2. Can I bring lollies for the shared lunch tomorrow? Or if I did would there be too many lollies?
3. Did Mrs. Rowe comment on my suitcase being absent when I was sick? (Just out of curiosity.)
4. Do we need to bring sneakers for Athletics Day on Tuesday?
5. Did Mr. Rouse set any homework?
6. What's always coming but never arrives?
7. Is this enough questions?
8. Are you going to do orchestra this year? Or are you going to somehow worm your way out of it?
9. How old is Thomas now? (Hehe, I know, random.)
10. Aimee said I'd have a lot of work to catch up on when I got back. IS THIS TRUE???
11. Have you begun to read The Lord of the Rings yet? *pressure*
12. How did you like the movies? They're really good - aren't they?????
13. How much of the rest of your story have you written so far?
14. When will you post it?
15. Is this enough questions?
16. Why did you use the computer speaker when you first submitted the prologue?
17. Am I making any sense?
18. Has our timetable changed significantly, or not much?
19. Are you going to review my story? Or is the size too intimidating? (Probably.)
20. Have I written enough questions yet? Oh, what the heck, I'll go to thirty.
21. Did you know that when you were speaking on the phone to me, my sister could hear you from the other side of the room?
22. What's your favourite book/s?
23. What's your favourite movie/s?
24. Have you read my new poem? It's in my portfolio, in the category Poetry: Random Whims.
25. Have you seen The Voyage of the Dawn Treader? They completely BUTCHERED the plot, didn't they?
26. Are you going to change the title of your story (you hinted you might) - or are you going to keep the current one?
27. What are some of your ideas for a new title? Can I offer some suggestions? (If I can think of any, that is.)
28. Have you read Aimee's short story yet? Do you like it? I do.
29. Are these questions good enough?
30. Can I stop asking questions now?

There you are. Make good use of them ... whatever you're going to do ...
- Ignis

I'm not Vicky, but I have some answers anyway...

3. No, she did not
5. Also no.
10. Yes, yes it is (SERISOULY THOUGH, YOU HAD TO SAY IT. I) I recommend editing that...
28. Yes, yes I do =P