Random christmas story :)

This was a freewrite in comm. arts, and I tought you guys might like it


As Santa looked over the nice and naughty list of boys and girls, he looked out to the workshop where the toys were made. To his surprise, the windows are dark. Santa squeezed through the door the elves still hadn’t widened and crunched through the snow towards the workshop. His breath swirled in the sir, and he pulled open the heavy green and red doors to the workshop. The machines were off, and it was bitterly cold. Luckily, Santa has put a tracker on each elf because they always left without notice. He saw hundreds of red swirling triangles in Washington D.C.
Using his magical powers, Santa poofed to D.C. He found himself among his little elves, throwing gumdrops and holding up signs that read “Gingerbread is nothing without gumdrops!!” and “Gumdrops were made for gingerbread!”. Santa didn’t understand. Why did gumdrops matter?
“Hold on, hold on here!” he shouted. “What’s going on?”
“Their saying that gingerbread houses don’t need gumdrops!” one elf shouted. “Everyone knows that a gingerbread house cannot be a gingerbread house without gumdrops!”
“Why does it matter?” Santa asked. This puzzled him, why would they make such a big argument over gumdrops?
“I don’t know, it just seems right!”
“Okay now, back to the north pole all of you!” Santa demanded. “And all of you are on the naughty list! All of you!”

The next day, Santa snuck out into the workshop in the middle of the night. He went into the storage room, and noticed it smelled like gingerbread. After flicking on the light, Santa saw carts full of gingerbread houses, all covered in gumdrops. Santa could not believe what he was seeing. The elves were supposed to be making toys for the children, not gingerbread! Santa decided to eat every last gumdrop off those houses.

By the morning, he was to fat to fit out the door! This was a problem. Soon, he heard the elves start working. He hid behind the houses as the cart rolled in. The elf that was pushing it saw the tampered with gingerbread houses and ran out to the main factory. Santa heard elves flowing into the room, and getting closer to where he was hiding. They saw Santa and stood. They whispered to each other, and began taking baseball bats and knocking the door down so Santa could get out. They glared at Santa, mad that he destroyed their work and was going against them. Santa sat there, thinking of what to do. Christmas was five days away, and they were low on toys. Christmas was ruined.

After many months, Santa came out on top. The elves sued for the eating of the gumdrops, and a new law was passed that gumdrops aren’t allowed on gingerbread at all because there is the slim chance of a fat guy like Santa eating then and becoming too fat to leave the room.

Haha! Love it, man! Although short and a little confusing on parts, this is still hysterical! I think this would be a lot better though if you lengthened it up and added more plot and character structure though. As far as other problems and critiques, I'll put them in red.

tuckerluvr wrote:
As Santa looked over the nice and naughty list of boys and girls I think it may be a good idea to change this opening. Maybe try something like "One day, as Santa looked over his list, remembering to check it twice...", he looked out to the workshop where the toys were made. To his surprise, the windows were dark. Santa squeezed through the door the elves still hadn’t widened and crunched through the snow towards the workshop. His breath swirled in the air, and he pulled open the heavy green and red doors to the workshop. The machines were off, and it was bitterly cold. Luckily, Santa had put a tracker on each elf because they always left without notice. He saw hundreds of red swirling triangles in Washington D.C. Sorry, this is another little thing that confuses me. Where is he seeing these lights? Did he pull out a little GPS tracker device, or did he go to a computer or what? It might be a good idea to elaborate here.
Using his magical powers, Santa poofed to D.C. He found himself among his little elves, throwing gumdrops and holding up signs that read “Gingerbread is nothing without gumdrops!!” and “Gumdrops were made for gingerbread!”. Santa didn’t understand. Why did gumdrops matter?
“Hold on, hold on here!” he shouted. “What’s going on?”
“Their saying that gingerbread houses don’t need gumdrops!” one elf shouted. “Everyone knows that a gingerbread house cannot be a gingerbread house without gumdrops!”
“Why does it matter?” Santa asked. This puzzled him, why would they make such a big argument over gumdrops?
“I don’t know, it just seems right!” Why would they make such a big deal over gumdrops? Here's another one of those parts where maybe you could elaborate. Maybe you could add something like an elf starts going after the government over this issue and Santa is forced to cancel Christmas because of it or something. Just an idea.
“Okay now, back to the north pole all of you!” Santa demanded. “And all of you are on the naughty list! All of you!”

The next day, Santa snuck out into the workshop in the middle of the night Again, why? What's his reason for sneaking? Does he have to sneak around his workers for some reason?. He went into the storage room, and noticed it smelled like gingerbread. After flicking on the light, Santa saw carts full of gingerbread houses, all covered in gumdrops. Santa could not believe what he was seeing. The elves were supposed to be making toys for the children, not gingerbread! Santa decided to eat every last gumdrop off those houses.

By the morning, he was too fat to fit out the door! This was a problem. Soon, he heard the elves start working. He hid behind the houses as the cart rolled in. The elf that was pushing it saw the tampered with gingerbread houses and ran out to the main factory. Santa heard elves flowing into the room, and getting closer to where he was hiding. They saw Santa and stood. They whispered to each other, and began taking baseball bats and knocking the door down so Santa could get out. They glared at Santa, mad that he destroyed their work and was going against them. Santa sat there, thinking of what to do. Christmas was five days away, and they were low on toys. Christmas was ruined.

After many months, Santa came out on top. The elves sued for the eating of the gumdrops, and a new law was passed that gumdrops aren’t allowed on gingerbread at all because there is the slim chance of a fat guy like Santa eating them and becoming too fat to leave the room.

Hehe, gotta love those short stories like this one! Anyways, like I said before, liked the story, but I think you could expand in places, especially the end and the middle. Was Christmas saved? What sparked all the arguments about gumdrops? Those are just some thoughts on where you could expand.

Ahh, you just have to love it! XxX

tuckerluvr wrote:This was a freewrite in comm. arts, and I tought you guys might like it


As Santa looked over the nice and naughty list of boys and girls, he looked out to the workshop where the toys were made. To his surprise, the windows were dark. Santa squeezed through the door; the elves still hadn’t widened and crunched through the snow towards the workshop. Don't really know what's happening here. His breath swirled in the air, and he pulled open the heavy green and red doors to the workshop. The machines were off, and it was bitterly cold. Luckily, Santa had put a tracker on each elf because they always left without notice. He saw hundreds of red swirling triangles in Washington D.C.
Using his magical powers, Santa poofed to D.C. He found himself among his little elves, throwing gumdrops and holding up signs that read “Gingerbread is nothing without gumdrops!!” and “Gumdrops were made for gingerbread!”. Santa didn’t understand. Why did gumdrops matter?
“Hold on, hold on here!” he shouted. “What’s going on?”
“Their saying that gingerbread houses don’t need gumdrops!” one elf shouted. “Everyone knows that a gingerbread house cannot be a gingerbread house without gumdrops!”
“Why does it matter?” Santa asked. This puzzled him. Why would they make such a big fuss over gumdrops?
“I don’t know, it just seems right!”
“Okay now, back to the north pole all of you!” Santa demanded. “And all of you are on the naughty list! All of you!”

The next day BUT he snuck into the night? You should say it is night, not day.The next day, Santa snuck out into the workshop in the middle of the night. He went into the storage room, and noticed it smelled like gingerbread. After flicking on the light, Santa saw carts full of gingerbread houses, all covered in gumdrops. Santa could not believe what he was seeing. The elves were supposed to be making toys for the children, not gingerbread! Santa decided to eat every last gumdrop off those houses.

By the morning, he was too fat to fit out the door! This was a problem. Soon, he heard the elves start working. He hid behind the houses as the cart rolled in. The elf that was pushing it saw the tampered with gingerbread houses and ran out to the main factory. Santa heard elves flowing into the room, and closing in on his hiding place. They saw Santa and stood. They whispered to each other, and grabbedbaseball bats and knocked the door down so Santa could get out. They glared at him, mad that he destroyed their work and was going against them. Santa sat there, thinking of what to do. Christmas was five days away, and they were low on toys. Christmas was ruined.

Expand here maybe. Is Christmas saved? How? What happens in those 5 days. This is important!!!

After many months, Santa finally won. The elves were sued for the eating of the gumdrops, and a new law was passed that gumdrops aren’t allowed on gingerbread at all because there is the slim chance of a fat guy like Santa eating them and becoming too fat to leave the room.

Hey there. First off I really like this story. I think it's a great children's story.

I really felt you NEEDED to expand. This could become a great story, and not just remain good. Especially the ending.

It reads easily, though sometimes the english was a little off.
Please don't skip the last 5 days. You could even say what happens on every one of those days.

Remember, my red edited points are only what I would change in those sentences, not necessarily what you HAVE to use.
Continue!!!

This is so funny and cute. You should write more stories that are like this. But, I didn't like it how the elves sued Santa! Hey, it's your story, it's not mine, right? Great work!
Keep Writing!
Nike

This is cute!
and... you've totally inspired me to write something like this.. xxxx

This was totally cute! lol gumdrops! I thought it was good! Very nice! The elves make such a big fuss over little things lol.
Keep Writing!

I love christmas stories!

Glad you all liked it

I understand how its rushed... I had half and hour to write it,I had a headache and I was all foggy Dx