Good-bye Baby

...

please don't try to rhyme so much. and don't sacrifice the rhythm for that rhyme. thoughtout this, you HAD no rhythm. i mean, the poem had a definite point and you captured it, but i had to work around the forced rhymes and unever rhythm to get that.

I agree with Xanthan. There isn't any rythm, and th rhymes are really forced. I like the idea of this poem, and I liked the story you seemed to be telling in it, but I think it would be better if you didn't use rhyme. Sometimes a good poem can be completely slaughtered by bad rhyming. Which I don't think you slaughtered it, but the forced rhyme sometimes distracted me from the point you were trying to make in the poem. Keep working on it, and I think it could be a really good poem, because I like your idea for it. So keep it up

As said above, the lack of rhythm really bothered me. Every time I thought I had finally pinpointed your rhythm, you changed it.
At the beginning, it seemed you were making the courageous effort to make all of your lines rhyme with 'way', but your poem it WAY too long for that to happen. I tried it once and had a hard enough time with four stanzas. After your first two stanzas of everything rhyming with 'way', you switch to 'only' then 'car' and then end your rhyming with 'car' stanza with 'away'. It sounded like you were trying to rhyme, but couldn't make up your mind on what rhyme scheme or what word you were going to rhyme with.

Driving away from the wreck of a way,
As we finally finish our day.
We ran away from the bed where I lay.
To listen to what she has to say.

Firstly, the 'wreck of a way'? Huh? That didn't make much sense and thus seemed forced. This first stanza just confused me at first, but after a few times reading it, it started to make sense. Making ot more clear would help.

For the rest of the stanzas, I would love to thoroughly critique them, but do not have the time. I think the body of your poem was longer than it needed to be to get the point across. I suggest cutting some stanzas (which I know is painful).

I liked parts of this poem, but definitely thought it needed some serious revision. Work with this, please.
Good luck!