Just Sarah:Chapter 1

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The Elemental War
Just Sarah
Book One

“Missed a spot.” I don’t want to nag her, I mean, she can get so stressed out, but honestly it’s just going to get worse otherwise. She looks up at me, her dull brown eyes are glazed over with fatigue and her hands shake. It makes me wonder how long we will all last.

“Thanks,” her voice rasps. It’s pathetic and we both know it. We are 14, and we are at our breaking points. We’ve hardly ever left school grounds. We can’t remember our own birthdays. And we’re worked past exhaustion, and expected to keep going, day in, day out.

All, because we are orphans; basically one big fancy way of saying we are the government’s slaves. We will work until we are 21, then we are free; our debts repaid, as they call it. I don’t believe we will even make it that far. I don’t like showing it, especially around the others, but I have no idea how I will go on. I try my best to make up for everyone else, just so they might get a moments rest. Right now though, seeing Celia scrubbing silver plates, forcing herself to remain conscious through starvation, it makes me wonder if it makes any difference.

The war killed both of our parents. Most of us were too young to even remember how, but it doesn’t matter; there was no one to take care of us so we were all dumped on our government’s doorstep. Now here we are doing whatever demeaning tasks that even the lowest servant has too much pride to do. Today that means Celia and I are stuck in some rich, noble’s quarters scrubbing the nonexistent dirt off of any and all surfaces. I called the floor.

The entire castle is beautiful, inside and out; actually no, that’s a lie. The parts of the castle that they let the guests see are beautiful, but no one really pays any attention to the parts that aren’t anyway. I’ve always preferred the grounds and the forest, but privet rooms are a close second. This one is painted a light gold. The curtains have golden flowers and vines dancing across the fabric. At one end of the camber is a large fireplace built from gray stones and directly above it is a large painting of some noble lady; it’s pretty, in a formal kind of way.

Meanwhile, Celia and I stick out like a rat in a dove’s cage. She is slightly tan with dull, shoulder length blond hair. I’m sure if she ever got the time to take care of it, her hair would look purely amazing; but until that day comes, she wears it in a dirty head wrap. To complete the look, she tops it all off with a disgusting brown and white dress, going to about the knee.

I'm not trying to criticize; I know I don’t look any better. My own hair is a wavy brown, and under the grime, my dress is a blue gray. And when I get a rare chance to see my reflection, my uncountable freckles and my piercing blue eyes are shining out.

Far away rumblings echo throughout the corridors, steadily coming closer. Every heavy booted step sends shivers up my spine. Nothing and I mean nothing, makes a sound like that; well, except an angry guard.

“Oy, girls, OUT,” bellows a black hared, black eyed soldier. He looks like he’s in a bit of a hair yanking mood; and poor Celia, she’s so startled that the priceless silver plate come tumbling down.

Ok, I was wrong, hair yanking isn’t even close, he is more along the lines of lopping off a leg to release pure fury. After only seconds of the plate’s spine chilling crash, his face is already bright red; all that he needs now is the steam coming out of his ears.

That once bold little instinct inside of me, more recently turned squeamish, whispers to me to fight back. A wiser part of me is shouting in agreement, but it is outnumbered; and so, I sit, and I wait, as the ever so pleasant guard fights an internal battle. At the moment I'm not entirely sure which side won, but I guess it’s the one that said ‘No, don’t kick the innocent girls,’ in an annoying, fake high pitch voice; after all why would he just stand there? But the real question is why that high pitch voice is loud enough to overpower everything else, why now?

Celia is just as shocked as I am; she is only just starting to peak her head out of the safety of her arms. The tension is just pouring off of him and to be quite honest, he looks confused.

“Sarah wa…” shouts Celia, but too late. Her mouth is slower than her clever little head and my collar is yanked back against my neck and across my newly cleaned floor I go; might I add, the wood was sparkling before I got rubbed into it. Through my flailing arms Celia is visible, just barely, or until we crash into each other.
Last edited by purpleandblue22 on Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:26 am, edited 3 times in total.
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson




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Hey oh! Review time!

I liked the character's voice in this. She had a bit of spark, a bit of humor, even as she was dealing with horrible circumstances. It's not that she's excessively cheery or overly sarcastic. It's a nice balance. I like it.

That said, sometimes she sounds a bit too much like a modern teen trapped in this scenario than a girl raised her entire life in it. I mean, how does she know that a black arm indicates magic? How did she keep it hidden her entire life? Who told her to keep it hidden? After all, if the girls have indeed been kept on the school grounds for their entire lives, how do they know anything of the outside world?

Your character describes herself and the other girls as appearing anorexic. How does she know what that is? She seems to have knowledge of concepts and situations to make comparisons to that she wouldn't know about. After all, if she's never had a birthday, how does she know that you're supposed to have one? What fueled her rebellious side? What made her realize what was going on was wrong, rather than "just the way things are"?

I really liked how broken the old dude's Galavahrn was.

A few formatting things:

As is, I can see where the paragraph breaks should be, but they aren't there. YWS sometimes misses out on the paragraph breaks (usually when you just use 'tab') and as it stands, this story is mostly one huge block of text that is so hard to read. It'd be just a little easier on reviewers if you break up the text. Computers are hard to read off of.

I'd recommend spelling out the numbers. "14" and "50" can be spelled out as "fourteen" and "fifty". I'd recommend spelling out all ages. There is a rule about when to spell out and when to just use numerals, but it's confusing and I don't know it really at all. My rule of thumb is just to spell it out unless it's a huge precise number, like 572.35 or something. Maybe someone else could point out a better rule of thumb to go by.

All in all, I liked the character we were presented with, but I wasn't quite sure what to make of her situation. Everything went by so quickly. I didn't have much time to get attached to any one character or really get used to an environment before I was whooshed along into the action. Slow down, take your time to develop characters and their relationships, maybe do just a little more world building so we understand that this is indeed a world with magic (I was actually surprised when that came up because it hadn't seemed relevant before), and let the reader catch up with you as you chug along.

Peace out!
~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Hello!

I've been planning to do this for some time now, I just never could find the time to actually sit down and read :) but now I have, and so...

This is a very good piece. I like how unique it is. However there were a few moments where I had to stop and try to figure out the scene. They're in a kitchen,(?) but what does it look like? Are there any particular smells on the air? Is it hot, cold?
When it came to the description of the characters, I liked it alot, very descriptive :)
I agree with GryphonFledgling when it comes to how fast it all took place.
I think you should add a bit more detail, and also more emotion from the characters. The more emotion from the subjects of the story, the more attached the reader will become to them and the more the reader will want to read onward (if that makes any sense)
Talk about how the sisters feel about each other. How did they come to this place? What does the place look like? Us it dark and scary? We must know these details! :)

But really, those are my only gripes. And they're hardly even gripes.
I like the point of view here, I like how you use the present tense, which is actually a very challenging way to write (for me at least)
I genuinely feel like this has a lot of potential, and I hope you keep writing because I really want to know what happens next!

Yours,
Belle
Are you a Badfish, too?




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Thanks you guys! I rewrote it and did my best to fix most of the problems but I'm still working on the slowing down part but if anyone has any other ishues please let me know!
"When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often suprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers."Ralph Waldo Emerson



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