Moon Dreamer chapter 1

Chapter 1
Opal
"But, Opal," said Violet, "Isn't that illegal?! She can't do that ...can she?" My best friend's silvery eyes were wide. She has blond hair and very pale skin.
"Well, that's what she said." I said, "But don't worry! She was probably kidding." 'Of course she's joking, Opal. Why would she tell you this? It's illegal anyways.'
Violet looked calm now, "Phew! Maybe she was kidding you. You know what happens if you both do it, don't you?"
My face flushed as I remember seeing some who did get pushed out in space, screaming for forgiveness, floating out there. I shook my head trying to get rid of the image. "Yes, I do," I answered.

The school bell rang. Violet bent down to pick up her bag, "See you in class!" "Okay!" I said back,and she ran off.

IN CLASS...

"There is one planet we circle, class," Mrs.Jacon said, "Earth." I've seen Earth before. Just a big ball, almost, with swirls of white around a blue and green ball.

Mrs.Jacon continued, " Earth is also full of life, but with only plants and animals," One of my classmates, Pete Rucker, exclaimed, "I would love to live there with the animals!" Mrs.Jacon said,"Pete! Don't call out in class! Let's go to the Dean's about your rude behavior."
The cutest girl in the class, Tiffany Griffdan, said, "It's ok, Mrs.Jacon.Pete is an animal. He'll be okay down on Earth. I think you should send him down there instead." Pete glanced at Tiffany with a mad look. Mrs. Jacon grabbed Pete and headed for the Dean's office. When she came back , I asked, "Are there others like us." I gestured to everyone in the class room, "on Earth? Is it possible we just don't know?"
Everyone was silent. "There is no one there. It isn't possible." answered Mrs.Jacon.

Just then, the Judge's voice came on the speaker," May all students, 13 and up, and adults, please come to the Opening."
'Oh no...' I thought, 'Another execution.' Mrs.Jacon stood there and then seemed to have snapped out of it, and said, "Umm, come along students, please file out the door and into the hall."

We did so and exited out the building, and into the Opening, which is nearby the hole in our atmosphere that is used for "execution". The only time we file here is when there is a "execution".

I looked around fo Violet.Then I saw her and walked up to her. We hugged and Violet asked,
"Another "execution", you think?"
"I think so." I answered.
"I wonder who..."
The Judge's voice came over the microphone and said, " Today we have caught one of our citizens, John Amerigo, across the Line. The Court has found him guilty of such a crime and has decided he will be executed."
"Oh no, not John!" Violet exclaimed, but she couldn't be heard over the crowd. She, of course, had a crush on John. Almost everyone did. He was fit, had brown hair and eyes. Except there was never a chance that Violet will ever date him, because he was 17.

John was then brought out with some guards. He didn't struggle. Just accepted the fact that he was about to be "executed". You could hear weeping form John's family, which were very close to the hole that will release him into space. Some guards were trying to hold back Melody, John's girlfriend, who was trying to get to him. 'I want the family of the executed to have a special seat to see the execution' I remember those words the Judge has said to remind us of how cruel he can be.

John was put in the semi-circle. Melody, realizing she couldn't do a thing to stop any of this form happening, just fainted right on the spot. The Judge then pressed the button that opened the doors leading to space and John was sucked out. He floated off. And I swear I saw a tear running down his cheek. "You are dismissed," the Judge said.

maxlovesfang15 wrote:Chapter 2
Opal
Charen and I aren't the only ones who live on the moon. There are other moon people, of course. It's just I've always wondered if there were more like us. I want to know if we are the only ones.

MoonDoon village is the only village on the moon. There is also one other city on the moon known as the Foundation. This is the main city on the moon, where most of the poeple in MoonDoon work. At Foundation, it's believed that this is where the moon people first started to colonize, but when the civilazation grew, it was dicided that 97% of the people who live in Foundation, move to another location on the moon. Taht 97% founded the MoonDoon village. Now 98% f the moon people live here, in MoonDoon village because they couldn't afford to pay rent in their houses at Foundation because of the expensive price.-You know, I hate to say this, but I really don't care. This information given here is boring, and slightly purpose-less. Is there any needed information in the above parragraph that perhaps you could reformat? It would be much better if you only gave us the one important fact.

Both cities, MoonDoon and Foundation, are pl,aced on what we call the "dark side" of the moon. The line that seperates the "light side" and the "dark side" is called the terminator. We do have an "atmosphere" where we live. Moon people have created a semicircle that covers our side and protects us from the space junk and keeps oxygen in. Same thing here, unnecessary info.

The "dark side" is really the spot that isn't hit by the sun's light until an eclipse. In an eclipse, we are to go in our houses until it's safe to come out and not be hurt by the sun's harmful rays. Instead of using the sun's light, we have "light birds" or more specifaclly, "linas". Linas are small birds that emit a warm, blue glow from themselves. There is about one lina in each household.

The "light side"is a forbidden place. In school, we are told that th Sun's harmful rays may burn our delicate skin. Anyone who crosses the terminator to the other side, is thrown out into space, never to be seen again. If a young child (12 and under) is caught on the other side, they are simply grounded. If you are 13 and up you are thrown into space.

Our judge has designed a "safe way" to throw a person in space.He created another semi-circle attached to our atmosphere. The circle side is on the outside and there is a door within our side. The judge opens the door and thows the person in and locks him inside. On the other isde, there is a door leading into the atmosphere. The judge then presses a button and the person flys out into space. Everyone 13 and up has to go to this "exectuion". I wish I didn't have to see this; I hate seeing the expression on the face of the executed. They look like they wished that they haven't done what they did. But what did Charen mean she'll bring me to the other side someday? Surely it must've been a lie.

Okay, so you've got a good idea here, very mysterious.
The biggest problem with the whole thing is it reads like a writer's note. That is, the information you have given us here is something we don't need, but you do in order to keep track of the events that happen on the moon. Please don't present us with an essay on facts, give us a story.
Here is a couple of tips:

1. Start a little before, or at the time the action is taking place. In other words, don't give us a huge history, get us straight to the point.
2. SHOW us the setting, don't tell. Don't tell us that there is a "terminator," show us the contrast that the character can visibly see between the light and the dark.
3. Give us a personal view of the character, don't just have him/her distantly narrate the story, have us actually experiance what the character is experiancing at that very moment.

The biggest plot-hole I noticed was that, unless this character is directly addressing a character from earth, there should be no, "comparison-contrast" between what they have and don't have on the moon that we have on earth.

Other than that, add us another character to get some dialogue in there, give us some action, (having the character actually watch an "execution" or having the character debate with another would be a good way to get some nice, juicy, action in there).

I hope you add more to this!
PM me if you need any reviews or anything.
~E.D.

OK, I like your idea a lot! I can already sort of see what will happen next, because in the prologue we are told of the event. So I definitely like that. I will have to agree with EloquentDragon - present us the information through the eyes of the character, not just in narration. You've chosen first person, this has limited you to the character's eyes (which is not a bad thing), but it's as if the character is talking to a camera right now in an interview explaining what the moon is like. Get dialogue in there, introduce a new character, and it will be even more interesting than it already is.

Chapter 1 was good, I liked it more than this chapter, mainly because chapter 2 here seems to be the same thing as chapter one - explanations. Chapter 2 should already get everything going.

This is just an idea, but MAYBE merge this chapter with chapter 1, as they are quite similar in style, and then chapter 2 can start the story with some dialogue, action and so forth.
But again, I like your idea very much. Don't know if there are many moon stories, but it seems to be original til now.

Hope this helps.

Wait, so I copy all of this and bring it to chapter 1 and delete chapter 2?

Pre-Script: I read Chapter One after writing this review. xD
So to answer your question...
Well I think what Danipower is saying (And I would agree with this)
Just take the most important things from Chapter 1 and merge it with Chapter 2, to create ONE chapter instead of two.
PM me if you need anything.
Good luck!

maxlovesfang15 wrote:Chapter 2
Opal
"But, Opal...," said Violet, "Isn't that illegal?! She can't do that ...can she?" Violet is my best friend. She has blond hair , very pale skin, and silvery eyes that have just turned wide when I had told her about what Charen said about taking me to the "light side."
"I don't think she can," I said, "She had a look of doubt on her face. Maybe she was trying to cheer up or something."
Violet looked calm now, "Phew! Maybe she was kidding you. You know what happens if you both do it, don't you?"
My face flushed as I remember seeing some who did get pushed out in space, screaming for forgiveness, floating out there. I shook my head trying to get rid of the image. "Yes, I do," I answered.

Ring! Ring! "Oh there's the bell, Opal," Violet said as she bent down to pick up her bag, "See you in class!" "Okay!" I said back,and she ran off.

IN CLASS...

"There is one planet we circle, class," Mrs.Jacon said, "Earth." I've seen Earth before. Just a big ball, almost, with swirls of white around a blue and green ball.

Mrs.Jacon continued, "Earth is also full of life, but with only plants and animals," One of my classmates, Pete Rucker, exclaimed, "I would love to live there with the animals!" Pete jumped on his desk, ripped his shirt off, and was about to tear off his pants, but Mrs.jacon grabbed his ear, "Pete, why don't we take a trip to the Dean to call your parents?"
The cutest girl in the class, Tiffany Griffdan, said, "It's ok, Mrs.Jacon.Pete is an animal. He'll be okay down on Earth. I think you should send him down there instead." Pete glanced at Tiffany with a mad look. Mrs. Jacon grabbed Pete and headed for the Dean's office. When she came back , I asked, "Are there others like us." I gestured to everyone in the class room, "on Earth? Is it possible we just don't know?"
Everyone was silent.
"There is no one there. It isn't possible," answered Mrs.Jacon.

Just then, the Judge's voice came on the speaker,"May all students, 13 and up, and adults, please come to the Opening."
'Oh no...' I thought, 'Another execution.' Mrs.Jacon stood there and then seemed to have snapped out of it, and said, "Umm, come along students, please file out the door and into the hall."

We did so and exited out the building, and into the Opening, which is nearby the hole in our atmosphere that is used for "execution". The only time we file here is when there is a "execution".

I looked around fo Violet. Then I saw her and walked up to her. We hugged and Violet asked,
"Another "execution", you think?"
"I think so," I answered.
"I wonder who..."
The Judge's voice came over the microphone and said, "Today we have caught one of our citizens, John Amerigo, across the Line. The Court has found him guilty of such a crime and has decided he will be executed."
"Oh no, not John!" Violet exclaimed, but she couldn't be heard over the crowd. She, of course, had a crush on John. Almost everyone did. He was fit, had brown hair and eyes. Except there was never a chance that Violet will ever marry him, because he was 17. ....Marry?

John was then brought out with some guards. He didn't struggle. Just accepted the fact that he was about to be "executed". You could hear weeping form John's family, which were very close to the hole that will release him into space. Some guards were trying to hold back Melody, John's girlfriend, who was trying to get to him. 'I want the family of the executed to have a special seat to see the execution' I remember those words the Judge has said to remind us of how cruel he can be.

John was put in the semi-circle. Melody, realizing she couldn't do a thing to stop any of this form happening, just fainted right on the spot. The Judge then pressed the button that opened the doors leading to space and John was sicked out. He floated off. And I swear I saw a tear running down his cheek. "You are dismissed," the Judge said.

Okay. I mostly looked for punctuation. ED did pretty good and pointed out some very good parts. Well that's all from me I guess. Merry Christmas!
~Ladypurple

Merry Christmas to you too!

Well, you pretty much said it, Maxlovesfang15, merge them, and delete chapter 2. See how it turns out and maybe it'll even be something better than you'd expect it to.

Who knows? But worth a try. I suggested it because if you DO keep the two chapters separate, it will become slightly boring. But it'll be good for one chapter, in my eyes.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

maxlovesfang15 wrote:Chapter 2
Opal
"But, Opal...," said Violet, "Isn't that illegal?! She can't do that ...can she?" Violet is my best friend. She has blond hair , very pale skin, and silvery eyes that have just turned wide when I had told her about what Charen said about taking me to the "light side." Okay, the grammer here is iscorrect. You could take out that entire sentence and just write: " "But Opal," said Violet, "Ins't that illegal?" Her silvery eyes were wide.
"Yes, but Charen said..."
Or something like that. As it stands, the above sentense tells us whats happening as opposed to showing. See notes at the end of this review.
"I don't think she can," I said, "She had a look of doubt on her face. Maybe she was trying to cheer up or something."
Violet looked calm now, "Phew! Maybe she was kidding you. You know what happens if you both do it, don't you?"
My face flushed as I remember seeing some who did get pushed out in space, screaming for forgiveness, floating out there. I shook my head trying to get rid of the image. "Yes, I do," I answered.
So that entire paragraph was extremely confusing, the dialogue does not make any sense. I would suggest a rewrite. TIP: After writing, read the paragraph aloud, or have someone else read it. They can tell you what needs to be changed.

[i]Ring! Ring![/i-- I wouldn't reccomend using "sound effects" in this. They usually add to a lighthearted affect, and I'm pretty sure that's not what you're going for here. try writing "the bell rang," or something like that instead.] "Oh there's the bell, Opal," That dialogue is unnecessary, you can cut it. Violet said as she bent down to pick up her bag, "See you in class!" "Okay!" I said back,and she ran off.

IN CLASS...

"There is one planet we circle, class," Mrs.Jacon said, "Earth." I've seen Earth before. Just a big ball, almost, with swirls of white around a blue and green ball.

Mrs.Jacon continued, " Earth is also full of life, but with only plants and animals," One of my classmates, Pete Rucker, exclaimed, "I would love to live there with the animals!" Pete jumped on his desk, ripped his shirt off, and was about to tear off his pants, but Mrs.jacon grabbed his ear, "Pete, why don't we take a trip to the Dean to call your parents?" Uh, what was that? Do you REALLY need to add that?The cutest girl in the class, Tiffany Griffdan, said, "It's ok, Mrs.Jacon.Pete is an animal. He'll be okay down on Earth. I think you should send him down there instead." Pete glanced at Tiffany with a mad look. Mrs. Jacon grabbed Pete and headed for the Dean's office. When she came back , I asked, "Are there others like us." I gestured to everyone in the class room, "on Earth? Is it possible we just don't know?"
Everyone was silent. "There is no one there. It isn't possible." answered Mrs.Jacon.

Just then, the Judge's voice came on the speaker," May all students, 13 and up, and adults, please come to the Opening."
'Oh no...' I thought, 'Another execution.' Mrs.Jacon stood there and then seemed to have snapped out of it, and said, "Umm, come along students, please file out the door and into the hall."

We did so and exited out the building, and into the Opening, which is nearby the hole in our atmosphere that is used for "execution". The only time we file here is when there is a "execution".

I looked around fo Violet.Then I saw her and walked up to her. We hugged and Violet asked,
"Another "execution", you think?"
"I think so." I answered.
"I wonder who..."
The Judge's voice came over the microphone and said, " Today we have caught one of our citizens, John Amerigo, across the Line. The Court has found him guilty of such a crime and has decided he will be executed."
"Oh no, not John!" Violet exclaimed, but she couldn't be heard over the crowd. She, of course, had a crush on John. Almost everyone did. He was fit, had brown hair and eyes. Except there was never a chance that Violet will ever date him, because he was 17.

John was then brought out with some guards. He didn't struggle. Just accepted the fact that he was about to be "executed". You could hear weeping form John's family, which were very close to the hole that will release him into space. Some guards were trying to hold back Melody, John's girlfriend, who was trying to get to him. 'I want the family of the executed to have a special seat to see the execution' I remember those words the Judge has said to remind us of how cruel he can be.

John was put in the semi-circle. Melody, realizing she couldn't do a thing to stop any of this form happening, just fainted right on the spot. The Judge then pressed the button that opened the doors leading to space and John was sicked--I think you meant "sucked?" out. He floated off. And I swear I saw a tear running down his cheek. "You are dismissed," the Judge said.

Alright, so first off, I think you should start the story here, when the two girls are talking about Charen and the "edge." It could really add to the dramatic tension. Just picture starting off the story this way, and have the reader thinking, "Whoa, what's happening?" then reading on to find out.
The main problem with this is the way you wrote your sentences. A lot of them were mixed up and in the wrong order. This is easily fixed, however: have someone else read the piece out loud (they should be a good reader), whenever they stumble or pause, mark/highlight the sentence, then go back later and try to see if you can make it better. Sometimes, whole sentences need to be cut.
Another thing that needs to be changed is the "tense." Since you are writing in first person point of view, the easiest would be "present tense." This would sound something like:
"Mary walks over to the door and pulls it open."
HOWEVER!!! This is a very bad tense to use when writing in "narrative form." Could you imagine reading an entire book that's written like this?
What is better to use in this instance would be, "past direct tense." This is what most modern books are written in.
For example:
"Mary walked over and pulled open the door."
The reason I'm explaining all this is because you switch tenses at the beginning of the story. Try to make everything "past direct tense."
Another problem that you have here is that, with the exception of one or two sentences, this has very little description. Try and thing up some interesting and different takes on things, such as, an ordinary glass of water. Describe how the water is still, or vice versa. What color is the glass? Is it patterned? What color is the water? Is it clear? Murky?
TIP: When you need to describe something, simply say what it is:
"The ocean was blue."
Then look in a thesaurus for a better adjective for "blue:"
"The ocean was a deep, aquamarine."
Then, add a strong verb that backs up the adjective:
"The ocean lay in deep, aquamarine."
You could even keep going and going, adding adverbs, adjectives, and a plethora of intense vocabulary:
"The ocean lay in a restless, unbroken line of aquamarine."
Now, isn't that much better than, "The Ocean was blue?"
You can also use metaphors/similes or other literary devices. These can really add a ton of meaning and depth to your story, the only caution is to not over-do it!

There is one more thing that I really think you should work on, and that's your prose.
Prose, as defined by Wikipedia, is simply;

Prose is the most typical form of written language, applying ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech rather than rhythmic structure (as in traditional poetry). The English word "prose" is derived from the Latin prōsa, which literally translates as "straight-forward."

Everyone uses prose. I am using it right now to write this to you!
Good narrative prose, is something that, when written, becomes invisible to the reader. It shouldn't draw attention to itself; it should simply serve to tell the story. It should be prōsa, or straight forward. Pick up any well written book, (The classics, ones by Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Victor Hugo, Oscar Wilde, Rudyard Kipling, Virginia Woolf, Stephen Edwin King, Tolstoy, or even C.S. Lewis) and notice how you don't even notice their sentences!
There is not really any one, solid advice on how to do this. Except for, to read almost as much as you write. Practice! Practice! Practice! You can start practicing with easy writing exercises, (you can even use my "describe the glass of water" as a starting point.) and write in different forms than what you're used to. Poetry is an excellent place to practice your skills. It gives you a sense of how words sound, and how they flow together. I know that sounds a little bit like some new-aged religion, but it really does help.

ANYWAY....
Back to your story. I like the main character, but right now she seems a little flat. Try and get us, the readers into her head.
Also, this "Moon world" that you have created seems almost identical to our world. I would really enjoy it if you added elements of the "unreal," or the hard to believe. Show us that this is not our world, that this is something completely out of the ordinary.
Unless, of course, what you're trying to go for here is satire, but that is a horse of another color.

I hope this helped, sorry it was so long. I get the impression that you were in a bit of a hurry to get the revise done. So all this really needs is some more work.

Keep up the good work!
~E.D.
Keep

Ok. I made this chapter 1 instead of 2 and now the old chapter 1 is the prologue.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW how's it coming?

it's coming along well i guess.-_- i haven't had a chance to put the next chapter up.-oh I'm so lazy- I have honor band today (literally almost all day) wish me luck!