Prayer

My Lord, may I be faithful with You now?
May I confess, and tell You how
I was unfaithful with my heart,
My soul, my body and my love.

I was the one to live in shadow,
And never thought about the light.
My Lord, you showed me meadow’s beauty,
The one I couldn’t ever fight.

The beauty of a rose in blossom,
All covered with the early dew.
The one that tries to play the possum
And save the sacred scent for You.

The beauty of a touch so tender,
Like summer wind in cypress trees.
The beauty of a sweet surrender
To your True Love’s kiss.

My Lord, You now have heard my prayer,
And You can guide me through the dark.
I’ll be your faithful slave forever,
Until I fall in Love.

Oh, my, this is wonderful! Very vivid imagery and great diction, and it actually sounds like somebody is talking to God.

I’ll be your faithful slave forever,
Until I fall in Love.

These are my favorite lines. It sounds harsh to the ears, but being a slave to God is the best thing you could be. It is much better than just saying, "I will follow you." You are good with words. I also like that it is a prayer.

No corrections needed that I can see! Great poem!

shiney1 wrote:Oh, my, this is wonderful! Very vivid imagery and great diction, and it actually sounds like somebody is talking to God.

I’ll be your faithful slave forever,
Until I fall in Love.

These are my favorite lines. It sounds harsh to the ears, but being a slave to God is the best thing you could be. It is much better than just saying, "I will follow you." You are good with words. I also like that it is a prayer.

No corrections needed that I can see! Great poem!

Thank you very much! I do appreciate such kinds words! That's the best review i could ever get. Again thank you very much.

I really enjoyed reading this, and loved the content of the poem. There are only two things that just seem to jump out as stange:

gomer4ik wrote:To your True Love’s kiss.

gomer4ik wrote:Until I fall in Love

These two lines are shorter than all the rest. Where all the other lines of the poem are 8-10 syllables long, these two are 5 and 6 respectively. It wouldn't be strange if all of the last lines of each stanza were this short, but when you have the last line in a stanza end with 8 syllables 3 times in a row, and in the next one it drops to only 5, it can disrupt the flow a little bit (in my opinion).

Epidemic wrote:I really enjoyed reading this, and loved the content of the poem. There are only two things that just seem to jump out as stange:

gomer4ik wrote:To your True Love’s kiss.

gomer4ik wrote:Until I fall in Love

These two lines are shorter than all the rest. Where all the other lines of the poem are 8-10 syllables long, these two are 5 and 6 respectively. It wouldn't be strange if all of the last lines of each stanza were this short, but when you have the last line in a stanza end with 8 syllables 3 times in a row, and in the next one it drops to only 5, it can disrupt the flow a little bit (in my opinion).

Hi there, thank you anyway for your response. I know it sounds a bit strange, but to be honest, i don't want to change a thing, i like it the way it is. When i was writing it, i had a feeling that this way it would be right. So i don't want to re-write it, I'll leave it like this.

This will be interesting to review I think - I'm an atheist so beware

My Lord, may I be faithful with You now? <---The entire verse isn't perhaps as intimate as it could have been but there is still a sense of closeness I must congratulate
May I confess, and tell You how
I was unfaithful with my heart,
My soul, my body and my love?<-- I'd put a question mark here. The sentence began with May I and is hence a question.

I was the one to live in shadow,
And never thought about the light.
My Lord, you showed me meadow’s beauty,
The one I couldn’t ever fight. <--- The depiction of a struggle is sweet here, but slightly out of context? I would rather draw this comparison with the "never thinking about the light" because I would think everyone appreciates beauty.

The beauty of a rose in blossom,
All covered with the early dew.
The one that tries to play the possum <---Slightly jarring image here. Why would a rose play possum? Perhaps you mean when its still a bud but it's slightly unclear.
And save the sacred scent for You.

The beauty of a touch so tender, <--- you've started the previous stanza with "The beauty" as well watch out for repetition
Like summer wind in cypress trees. <---Very nice image.
The beauty of a sweet surrender
To your True Love’s kiss. <---Slightly jarring, rhythmically speaking.

My Lord, You now have heard my prayer,
And You can guide me through the dark.
I’ll be your faithful slave forever, <---Slave? Slightly harsh word.
Until I fall in Love. <--- interesting ending, rhythmically jarring once more, but I think it's interesting. So are you saying that when you fall in love you will replace god with someone else? Interesting.

I won't speak on the message of the poem since I can't really be unbiased on the subject. It's an interesting read either way, just a few mistakes that could be arranged to perfect the poem. Good work

TedusCloud wrote:This will be interesting to review I think - I'm an atheist so beware

My Lord, may I be faithful with You now? <---The entire verse isn't perhaps as intimate as it could have been but there is still a sense of closeness I must congratulate
May I confess, and tell You how
I was unfaithful with my heart,
My soul, my body and my love?<-- I'd put a question mark here. The sentence began with May I and is hence a question.

I was the one to live in shadow,
And never thought about the light.
My Lord, you showed me meadow’s beauty,
The one I couldn’t ever fight. <--- The depiction of a struggle is sweet here, but slightly out of context? I would rather draw this comparison with the "never thinking about the light" because I would think everyone appreciates beauty.

The beauty of a rose in blossom,
All covered with the early dew.
The one that tries to play the possum <---Slightly jarring image here. Why would a rose play possum? Perhaps you mean when its still a bud but it's slightly unclear.
And save the sacred scent for You.

The beauty of a touch so tender, <--- you've started the previous stanza with "The beauty" as well watch out for repetition
Like summer wind in cypress trees. <---Very nice image.
The beauty of a sweet surrender
To your True Love’s kiss. <---Slightly jarring, rhythmically speaking.

My Lord, You now have heard my prayer,
And You can guide me through the dark.
I’ll be your faithful slave forever, <---Slave? Slightly harsh word.
Until I fall in Love. <--- interesting ending, rhythmically jarring once more, but I think it's interesting. So are you saying that when you fall in love you will replace god with someone else? Interesting.

I won't speak on the message of the poem since I can't really be unbiased on the subject. It's an interesting read either way, just a few mistakes that could be arranged to perfect the poem. Good work

Thank you very much for you review. I really loved it, it's so seldom that people write such full reports, and some times we - writers - need such. I don't think I'll change anything in my poem. As i don't think it'll be natural afterwards. I prefer it the way it is.

P.S. but I'll put a question mark at the end of the line

Amen.

good job!

Adeera wrote:Amen.

good job!

Thank you

That was very touching. You have a very wonderful way with words. And keeping the poem fixed upon our Lord made it even better! Great job!

That was truly beautiful.
You chose the words so carefully. It's very articulate. Many of us like to go around, acting righteous and as if we're holier than so many others. I like that this showed both sides of the story; what he was, and what he wishes to be.
I think that the only advice I can give you is to keep writing. As great as you are of a writer now, you will improve much over time.

This was sincerely beautiful. . . I feel like it could be a magnet on my fridge or a poster or something. I have to say I LIKED how you had those two last lines that were shorter than all the others, and how it felt right to you. . . just goes to show you that great poetry is not limited and restricted to following endless petterns. The imagery was great, and the poem just seems honest and thoughtful. The only thing, if I were to be nit-picky, is that the whole beauty of a rose blooming or whatever it was---that just seemed a bit cliche for this type of poem. Other than that, excellent.

The one that tries to play the possum
And save the sacred scent for You.

LOVE that, how it references a rose covered in dew, saving it's scent for God by "playing possum". Clever =]

IvoryPhoenix wrote:This was sincerely beautiful. . . I feel like it could be a magnet on my fridge or a poster or something. I have to say I LIKED how you had those two last lines that were shorter than all the others, and how it felt right to you. . . just goes to show you that great poetry is not limited and restricted to following endless petterns. The imagery was great, and the poem just seems honest and thoughtful. The only thing, if I were to be nit-picky, is that the whole beauty of a rose blooming or whatever it was---that just seemed a bit cliche for this type of poem. Other than that, excellent.

The one that tries to play the possum
And save the sacred scent for You.

LOVE that, how it references a rose covered in dew, saving it's scent for God by "playing possum". Clever =]

Thank you very much. I'll be honest with you, I like the part about "the possum" most of all When I first ran over than phrase I understood that I'll definitely use it, but I never thought that in that way. So I'm very proud of it I think it's very original to use such phrase in completely unsuitable context.

Amen. God bless you for writing such B-E-A-utiful poem!
--------------------
-Jojo.

XxJoJoxX wrote:Amen. God bless you for writing such B-E-A-utiful poem!
--------------------
-Jojo.

You're welcome And thank you for your review