By Day's End.

Everything's a choice. Every choice is a binary decision, and every binary decision is based off of ones you have made befor3. I stopped and flipped my pencil around to erase the 3 and replace it with the correct E, I blew on the paper to clear the eraser shavings.

"It's Soup!" a voice called from in the kitchen, I sighed as I set my notebook on my nightstand and arched my back to stretch, then swung my feet out from under the blanket that they had been tucked under. I heard a small 'mew' from below me, unconsciously I bent down to pet the tabby cat that was squinting at me. "

"What?" I asked rhetorically. "Not my fault that dinner's ready" I said as I started towards the door. The tabby cat jumped up to follow me, pausing only to stretch with an arched back, just like I had.

"Hey! Wake up!" the voice from the kitchen called again. "I am, I am!" I yelled back as I passed through the door-way into the hallway that led to the kitchen.

Our house wasn't really a house. more of a small mansion. 4 floors not counting the attic and cellar, and THEN there's th-

"Hey!" Dad said, waving his hand infront of my face. "I thought you said that you were awake!"
I slapped his hand away and glared at him, "I am! I was just deep in a nice philosophical thought that might have blossomed into a record breaking idea that would eventually give scientists and doctors the correct idea to finally cure cancer! and you ruined it!" I said, throwing my hands in the air with mock anger, "God! the things you ruin sometimes!"
Dad just grinned and slid a piece of pizza onto my plate, "Enjoy, Socrates." he said as I snatched the pizza off the plate and took a quick bite. My tabby cat chose this time to jump up on the counter and protest her poor little cushy life to me. "mew"

I rolled my eyes, sighed and walked towards the television. After fumbling with the remote I switched the channel to the news.

"After being assaulted by a feral patient in a hospital the other day, a doctor starting showing flu like symptoms" the news anchor reported with bored eyes in her chair, reading from the teleprompter.

Dad walked up and snorted at the news lady. "What's this on for?" he asked, then in a mocking tone he reported "Breaking news! a doctor get's sick! horrors! Ack! eek! flee the country! run for the hills! lock your doors and windows ladies and gentlemen! the zombie apocalypse is upon us!"
I frowned as the anchor continued to report, "Now we go to the scene, live with our special field reporter, Tamara." she said as the screen switched to an image of a different lady that was standing outside a hospital with what looked like police tape across the entrance. "thank you, Jeanne. Here at the ARTE hospital the military has just stepped in, quarantining the entire hospital, noone goes in or out, unless they have a special pass that has to be authorized by the 'Site Commander' and a special type of Gas Mask." the field reporter said in a flat monotone voice.

There was a cough from the Master Bedroom and dad moved off to tend to my sick mother.
Flu like symptoms?
My eyes widened as I started forward, running towards the front door. I pulled on some boots and my trench coat. wrenching the door open and sprinting out to the mail box, the soft snow crunching lightly under my pounding feet.
I hope it's here, I hope it's here.
I reached the mail box and pulled the keys from my pocket, fumbling with opening the door to the large metal box, after a few seconds I tugged the door open and froze, gazing wonderously at the brown cubic box in the mailbox.
I pulled it out and used the keys to cut into the tape that binded the saftey in the box. then opened it.

I lifted out the Gask mask from it's container. turning it in my hands, it wasn't put together yet, but once it was I would be save from any contagion that was making itself around.

I opened the door to the house and slipped my shoes off, I was about to walk into my bedroom when I heard a noise from behind me. I turned to see my father clutching his hand, blood pouring down the back of it, and down his forearm.

"She bit me!"

(( This is a VERY, rough draft. I wrote this within 45 minutes, this is might become a base for the rest of my stories or it might be left for dead in the dust. that said, review harshly ))

Wow.... I like it! But since you asked for harsh critiques, capitalize?

I think you shouldn't just leave it like that, you should carry on! It's good (for something done in 45 mins ). But seriously, you should carry on.
By the way, welcome to YWS!

Wow, I really like it!

Gives me a zombie/post apocalyptic feel with the father's comments and the gas mask stuff!

Keep going, really good for 45 minutes!

Perhaps tell us what the main character looks like too? And what us wrong with the mother?

Your character seem to have a personal issue going on here. I would add a little more details about that but I like it. You shouldnt stop this story, keep on going you got me into the story.


Keep Going ;D
Giselle97

Hi, Confictura. Despite the fact that you’re working with a very clichéd idea, you managed to get some original ideas. However, you made a few mistakes. Let me point them out.

Everything's a choice.

Pulling that contraction apart would make the sentence much better. It is, after all, a phrase designed to make the reader think. Such words should be a little longer, making us read them longer and thus think about them longer.

Every choice is a binary decision, and every binary decision is based off of ones you have made befor3. I stopped and flipped my pencil around to erase the 3 and replace it with the correct E,

Unfortunately, even with someone suffering from severe dyslexia I doubt they would replace ‘e’ with ‘3’. You see, a capital ‘E’ could be flipped to look like a ‘3’, but what you MC should have written was ‘e’.
The difference is shape is so great that nobody could write two full sentences perfectly and then, at the end, make a major mistake.
Unless you mean to tell us that the MC has terrible eyesight or some neural dysfunction, then cut this part.

"It's Soup!" a voice called from in the kitchen, I sighed as I set my notebook on my nightstand and arched my back to stretch, then swung my feet out from under the blanket that they had been tucked under.

What’s Soup? Breakfast was pizza, wasn’t it? I don’t under the father’s words here.
Also, right after the dialogue tag “a voice called from in the kitchen” you should have created a new paragraph. Like this:

"It's Soup!" a voice called from in the kitchen.
I sighed as I set my notebook on my nightstand and arched my back to stretch, then swung my feet out from under the blanket that they had been tucked under.

Also, that final sentence is a run-on. Try cutting it into smaller sentences.

I heard a small 'mew' from below me, unconsciously I bent down to pet the tabby cat that was squinting at me. "

Capitalize ‘unconsciously’. I’ve seen many places where you should have capitalized. Form here on I won’t point them out, since they’re really too numerous to nitpick. You’ll just have to find them yourself.
Actually, if you’re using Microsoft Word to write these, then your spell checker should point out those mistakes.

"What?" I asked rhetorically. "Not my fault that dinner's ready" I said as I started towards the door. The tabby cat jumped up to follow me, pausing only to stretch with an arched back, just like I had.

Again, create a new paragraph after the dialogue. Also, you need a period after ‘ready’.

Our house wasn't really a house. more of a small mansion. 4 floors not counting the attic and cellar, and THEN there's th-

When writing numbers, you must always spell the number. Without exception; it’s a real rule of grammar.
When spelling double-digit numbers, use a hyphen between the two. Like this: twenty-two, seventy-five, ninety-nine.
There is a max limit to numbers that you must spell; I think it was ninety-nine. You can go ahead and make them in numeral form after that limit is crossed: 158, 274.
One other thing, instead of putting your letters into BIG CAPS, try italicizing them instead. If you don’t understand BBcode, then PM me.

"Hey!" Dad said, waving his hand infront of my face. "I thought you said that you were awake!"

“In front”

"After being assaulted by a feral patient in a hospital the other day, a doctor starting showing flu like symptoms" the news anchor reported with bored eyes in her chair, reading from the teleprompter.

Put a period after ‘symptoms’. Also, news anchors are never bored. Or, at least, if they are, they try not to show it.

"What's this on for?" he asked, then in a mocking tone he reported "Breaking news! a doctor [i]get's[i] sick! horrors! Ack! eek! flee the country! run for the hills! lock your doors and windows ladies and gentlemen! the zombie apocalypse is upon us!"

I know I said I wouldn’t point it out, but there’s a massive amalgam of capitalization errors here.
Also, to have the father speak so plainly about zombies (which this story is definitely about) is heavy foreshadowing. I suggest you cut that.
‘Get’s’ should be ‘gets’.

"Now we go to the scene, live with our special field reporter, Tamara." she said as the screen switched to an image of a different lady that was standing outside a hospital with what looked like police tape across the entrance. "thank you, Jeanne. Here at the ARTE hospital the military has just stepped in, quarantining the entire hospital, noone goes in or out, unless they have a special pass that has to be authorized by the 'Site Commander' and a special type of Gas Mask." the field reporter said in a flat monotone voice.

Once again, the reporter should not have the voice you gave her. Also, you need a new paragraph after dialogue.
‘noone’ is misspelled. ‘Gas Mask’ does not need to be capitalzed.

I hope it's here, I hope it's here.

How does she know the gas mask will come in the mail?

I reached the mail box and pulled the keys from my pocket, fumbling with opening the door to the large metal box, after a few seconds I tugged the door open and froze, gazing wonderously at the brown cubic box in the mailbox.

This whole thing is one ugly run-on sentence. Cut it into little bits, please.
Also, ‘wonderously’ is misspelled.

I pulled it out and used the keys to cut into the tape that binded the safety in the box. then opened it.

‘Bound’ is the proper paste tense of ‘bind’. ‘safety’ is the correct spelling.

I lifted out the Gask mask from it's container. turning it in my hands, it wasn't put together yet, but once it was I would be save from any contagion that was making itself around.

‘Gask’?
“It’s” means “It is”. What you want is the possessive form of ‘it’, which it ‘its’ without a apostrophe.
Also, in place of ‘making itself’ I think you should put ‘going’.

"She bit me!"

[/quote]

This is an excellent way to end, and undoubtedly the best part of your story. It raises questions about what the daughter must do (Kill her parents? Run?) and gives just the right chills a zombie story needs.
Ok, you still need to do a lot of work, but you’re fine with that right? Good.
Keep writing!
Jenth

Hi,
I've nothing left to say - jenthura did a brill review! I really enjoyed this piece. It was a really good read but you made quite a few gramatical errors. I'd love to read more if it was the base of another story! Thanks, (Sorry for the rubbish review!) AC xxx:)

Wow! Very nicely written. I'm eagar to find out why the mom bit the dad. I loved this, and am going to read more.

Underline: Fragments
Red: Corrections
Blue: My comments

Confictura wrote:Everything's a choice. Every choice is a binary decision, and every binary decision is based off of ones you have made befor3. I stopped and flipped my pencil around to erase the 3 and replace it with the correct E;I think maybe you should do this: 'E'. , I blew on the paper to clear the eraser shavings.

"It's Soup!" a voice called from in the kitchen, I sighed as I set my notebook on my nightstand and arched my back to stretch, then swung my feet out from under the blanket that they had been tucked under. I heard a small 'mew' from below me;unconsciously I bent down to pet the tabby cat that was squinting at me. "

"What?" I asked rhetorically. "Not my fault that dinner's ready" I said as I started towards the door. The tabby cat jumped up to follow me, pausing only to stretch with an arched back, just like I had.

"Hey! Wake up!" the voice from the kitchen called again. "I am, I am!" I yelled back as I passed through the door-way into the hallway that led to the kitchen.

Our house wasn't really a house. Moremore of a small mansion. 4 floors not counting the attic and cellar, and THEN there's th-

"Hey!" Dad said, waving his hand infrontin front of my face. "I thought you said that you were awake!"
I slapped his hand away and glared at him, "I am! I was just deep in a nice philosophical thought that might have blossomed into a record breaking idea that would eventually give scientists and doctors the correct idea to finally cure cancer! Andand you ruined it!" I said, throwing my hands in the air with mock anger, "God!The the things you ruin sometimes!"
Dad just grinned and slid a piece of pizza onto my plate, "Enjoy, Socrates." he said as I snatched the pizza off the plate and took a quick bite. My tabby cat chose this time to jump up on the counter and protest her poor little cushy life to me. "Mewmew"

I rolled my eyes, sighed and walked towards the television. After fumbling with the remote I switched the channel to the news.

"After being assaulted by a feral patient in a hospital the other day, a doctor starting showing flu like symptoms" the news anchor reported with bored eyes in her chair, reading from the teleprompter.

Dad walked up and snorted at the news lady. "What's this on for?" he asked, then in a mocking tone he reported "Breaking news!A a doctor get'sgets sick! horrors! Ack! eek! flee the country!Run run for the hills!Lock lock your doors and windows ladies and gentlemen! Thethe zombie apocalypse is upon us!"
I frowned as the anchor continued to report, "Now we go to the scene, live with our special field reporter, Tamara." she said as the screen switched to an image of a different lady that was standing outside a hospital with what looked like police tape across the entrance. "Thankthank you, Jeanne. Here at the ARTE hospital the military has just stepped in, quarantining the entire hospital, no onenoone goes in or out, unless they have a special pass that has to be authorized by the 'Site Commander' and a special type of Gas Mask." the field reporter said in a flat monotone voice.

There was a cough from the Master Bedroom and dad moved off to tend to my sick mother.
[i]Flu like symptoms?[/i]
My eyes widened as I started forward, running towards the front door. I pulled on some boots and my trench coat. Wrenchingwrenching the door open and sprinting out to the mail box, the soft snow crunching lightly under my pounding feet.
I hope it's here, I hope it's here.
I reached the mail box and pulled the keys from my pocket, fumbling with opening the door to the large metal box, after a few seconds I tugged the door open and froze, gazing wondrouslywonderously at the brown cubic box in the mailbox.
I pulled it out and used the keys to cut into the tape that binded the saftey in the box. Then[/color]then opened it.

I lifted out the Gask[color=#FF4000]gas mask from it'sits container. Turningturning it in my hands, it wasn't put together yet, but once it was I would be savedsave from any contagion that was making itself around.

I opened the door to the house and slipped my shoes off, I was about to walk into my bedroom when I heard a noise from behind me. I turned to see my father clutching his hand, blood pouring down the back of it, and down his forearm.

"She bit me!"

(( This is a VERY, rough draft. I wrote this within 45 minutes, this is might become a base for the rest of my stories or it might be left for dead in the dust. that said, review harshly ))

Wow! Very nicely written. I'm eagar to find out why the mom bit the dad. I loved this, and am going to read more.

Underline: Fragments
Red: Corrections
Blue: My comments

Confictura wrote:Everything's a choice. Every choice is a binary decision, and every binary decision is based off of ones you have made befor3. I stopped and flipped my pencil around to erase the 3 and replace it with the correct E;I think maybe you should do this: 'E'. , I blew on the paper to clear the eraser shavings.

"It's Soup!" a voice called from in the kitchen, I sighed as I set my notebook on my nightstand and arched my back to stretch, then swung my feet out from under the blanket that they had been tucked under. I heard a small 'mew' from below me;unconsciously I bent down to pet the tabby cat that was squinting at me. "

"What?" I asked rhetorically. "Not my fault that dinner's ready" I said as I started towards the door. The tabby cat jumped up to follow me, pausing only to stretch with an arched back, just like I had.

"Hey! Wake up!" the voice from the kitchen called again. "I am, I am!" I yelled back as I passed through the door-way into the hallway that led to the kitchen.

Our house wasn't really a house. Moremore of a small mansion. 4 floors not counting the attic and cellar, and THEN there's th-

"Hey!" Dad said, waving his hand infrontin front of my face. "I thought you said that you were awake!"
I slapped his hand away and glared at him, "I am! I was just deep in a nice philosophical thought that might have blossomed into a record breaking idea that would eventually give scientists and doctors the correct idea to finally cure cancer! Andand you ruined it!" I said, throwing my hands in the air with mock anger, "God!The the things you ruin sometimes!"
Dad just grinned and slid a piece of pizza onto my plate, "Enjoy, Socrates." he said as I snatched the pizza off the plate and took a quick bite. My tabby cat chose this time to jump up on the counter and protest her poor little cushy life to me. "Mewmew"

I rolled my eyes, sighed and walked towards the television. After fumbling with the remote I switched the channel to the news.

"After being assaulted by a feral patient in a hospital the other day, a doctor starting showing flu like symptoms" the news anchor reported with bored eyes in her chair, reading from the teleprompter.

Dad walked up and snorted at the news lady. "What's this on for?" he asked, then in a mocking tone he reported "Breaking news!A a doctor get'sgets sick! horrors! Ack! eek! flee the country!Run run for the hills!Lock lock your doors and windows ladies and gentlemen! Thethe zombie apocalypse is upon us!"
I frowned as the anchor continued to report, "Now we go to the scene, live with our special field reporter, Tamara." she said as the screen switched to an image of a different lady that was standing outside a hospital with what looked like police tape across the entrance. "Thankthank you, Jeanne. Here at the ARTE hospital the military has just stepped in, quarantining the entire hospital, no onenoone goes in or out, unless they have a special pass that has to be authorized by the 'Site Commander' and a special type of Gas Mask." the field reporter said in a flat monotone voice.

There was a cough from the Master Bedroom and dad moved off to tend to my sick mother.
[i]Flu like symptoms?[/i]
My eyes widened as I started forward, running towards the front door. I pulled on some boots and my trench coat. Wrenchingwrenching the door open and sprinting out to the mail box, the soft snow crunching lightly under my pounding feet.
I hope it's here, I hope it's here.
I reached the mail box and pulled the keys from my pocket, fumbling with opening the door to the large metal box, after a few seconds I tugged the door open and froze, gazing wondrouslywonderously at the brown cubic box in the mailbox.
I pulled it out and used the keys to cut into the tape that binded the saftey in the box. Then[/color]then opened it.

I lifted out the Gask[color=#FF4000]gas mask from it'sits container. Turningturning it in my hands, it wasn't put together yet, but once it was I would be savedsave from any contagion that was making itself around.

I opened the door to the house and slipped my shoes off, I was about to walk into my bedroom when I heard a noise from behind me. I turned to see my father clutching his hand, blood pouring down the back of it, and down his forearm.

"She bit me!"

(( This is a VERY, rough draft. I wrote this within 45 minutes, this is might become a base for the rest of my stories or it might be left for dead in the dust. that said, review harshly ))

Anyone want to bet zombies? Well written, and since others have already grammar picked, I will leave that alone.

~FW~