To Make the Earth Smile

The feeling of helplessness I posess
is unknown to the average human.

Such a feeling,
one can not compose
from rationality,
nor complete insanity,
but a mixture of both.

This mixture is called responsibility,
and the illusion I create
that I am responsible
to find a solution
for everything that has gone wrong
with my life,
and the ones that are in it
puts an unbearable weight
on my shoulders,
yet I refuse to let others
bear the pain
that holds me down.

Instead I hide it with a smile--
the same smile I hope
to someday lead the world
into a time of happiness with,
the same smile I hope
to make the earth use.

Spoiler

To fully understand the end of this poem, know that my favorite quote is "make the earth smile."

Hello dear,

I saw you had no reviews and I simply adore being the first reviewer so here goes!

So I read your poem twice. The first time I finished going, "what did I just read?" because all poems are hard to grasp the first time around-for me at least:)

The second time I realized just how much I can relate to this poem! (Which happens to be the best part about being a writer-relating to your audience-in my opinion at least). That mixture of the feeling of helplessness and responsibility for everything going on in life all the time and all around you and consuming you breaking you down and tearing you up! It's deep stuff that I definately feel all the time. I'm big on emmotions and art that really stirs the emmotions, so I loved this.

My favorite bit:
"This mixture is called responsibility,and the illusion I createthat I am responsibleto find a solutionfor everything that has gone wrongwith my life,and the ones that are in itputs an unbearable weight on my shoulders,yet I refuse to let othersbear the pain that holds me down."

That right there puts into words the exact way I feel in my moments of weakness. You want to please everyone and fix everything all the time, but you can't always do that. So instead you get frustrated and angry because everything feels like a mess. I'm an OCD type, not too bad but I like order. So when it all feels a mess my insanity flares up:)

Grammar wise in your final stanza the comma at the end of the fourth line. I dont' think you necessarily needed to change it but I did read the sentence a few times before I realized how you were wording it. There's nothing wrong really, I may just be slow;) To be completely honest I kinda got lost in the final stanze, I don't understand leading the world with a smile. Maybe you mean fooling the world into thinking you're alright, that everythings fine? Eh, poems are always supposed to leave room for interpretation anywho, don't fret over it too much chicken. Also, I think you could break up that up, possibly some slight rewording. But don't change the meaning a bit!

Overall I really felt a connection with the poem and really appreciate you posting it. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels overly responsible for everything all the time!

Love always,
Christine Lefevre

Hello.

I read this poem a couple times, and while it's rather relatable on a basic level, it looks just a bit self-centered. Because you're using first person and stating the person's situation very bluntly, it can be a bit harder to get the author's interpretation out of the way, to get your own take on the poem.

Firstly, I'd suggest making the message of the poem less obvious. Use more subtle wording, and don't make it so clear what the poem's topic is about. By doing this, you leave room for interpretation on the reader's part and make the poem feel less self-centered because we don't know if it's about you or not.

One thing you could do is try changing this poem to second or third person. You could also remove a lot of the signs this is in first person, focusing more on the outside surroundings instead of inside, or the person themselves. This would force you to look at the meaning of the poem and express it through poetic devices instead of I-statements.

Hope this helped! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

I really liked this. It shows your feelings, and it's really easy to relate to. I also like how you put your favorite quote in at the end. My favorite part is the second stanza. That's the part I think is something that is easy to relate to. Maybe it was just my personal feelings and my thoughts, but I found it really easy to relate to. Anyways awesome piece, great job, keep writing, all that stuff.

Overall I really liked this piece. There were some great and ingenious lines. Thats what I truly admire in a writer. I mean I only saw a couple of faults (since this is a critique) .
Loved the 2 beginning stanzas but in the second stanza maybe use a different word than responsible, even though it does highlight the connection from responsibility it makes it different and doesnt feel redundant.
This mixture is called responsibility,and the illusion I createthat I am responsibleto find a solutionfor everything that has gone wrongwith my life,and the ones that are in itputs an unbearable weight on my shoulders,yet I refuse to let othersbear the pain that holds me down. Instead I hide it with a smile-- the same smile I hopeto someday lead the worldinto a time of happiness with,the same smile I hopeto make the earth use.

i really like the bearing it with a smile, it is the most relatible thing. MAybe you can add a little on your frustration or why you choose to smile rather than tell the world your pain. I would reword the very last part of the last sentence, I feel it has potential to derliver impact and a consumate end. Sorry if it seems im nit picking I'm trying not to sound like an ostensible perfectionist

Hey!

On an overall basis, I really enjoyed your poem and found it very easy to relate and feel the same emotion you describe. One of the things you did that I really liked was how you used the grammar and structure of the poem to provide emphasis to certain ideas. Such lines as

on my shoulders

, stresses the responsibility within your life and how you deal with it.

My only suggestions are to perhaps try employing a few more literary devices in order to more accurately depict the simply unbearable nature of helplessness that no one else has ever experienced. By comparing it to other nonhuman entities whether via simile or another literary device, you could give greater depth to that all-encompassing emotion. The other issue I had was how the last stanza connected to the other two stanzas. I wasn't exactly sure how you got from your responsibility to leading the world, so if you could possibly show a clearer connection between those two ideas, it might help the flow into that last stanza.

Besides those two minor things, this poem I can tell is something that you devoted your emotion to and that in itself is a great thing. Keep on writing and the best of luck!