The Incredibly Long 100 Word+ Two Sentence Story!!!

This was written by my younger brother, and is, (as you can see from the title) an incredibly long, 100 word+, two sentence, story.
Enjoy!

1. Mark opened the gigantic box, suddenly realizing that although it was exploding with thing that were fun and good to eat, he quickly took out his multi-tool pocket knife tyrannically and began slicing, because he was anxious.

2. Before him lay a suspiciously wierd jack-in-the-box which sprang out in front of him very quickly and caused him to utter a fearful yell, a very fearsome one at that, and all the people within a square mile were scared out of their pajamas and they got so angry at him that they tied him to a post and poured oil on him, put 1,000 feathers on him, and rode him out of town on a splintery rail so quickly that as he was going out of town he thought, "when I get back, I am going to find out who sent me that box!" and he did just that because when he got home, his best friend (who was not really that) asked him what had happened and so Mark punched him on the nose because the friend had did it.

Lol. This was a cute story. How old is your little brother? He has lots of potential. All he needs to do is add some more detail and who knows? He could end up with a best-selling children's book.

-Cressy

Hello there Elo and brother. I shall be reviewing you today. If something comes across as a bit harsh, know that it's not because I dislike you; rather, I'm trying to help you improve.

Bolded words are corrections.
Underlined words are ones I think could be replaced.
Struck words are ones that should be deleted.

Mark opened the gigantic box, suddenly realizing that although it was exploding with things that were fun and good to eat, he quickly took out his multi-tool pocket knife tyrannically and began slicing, because he was anxious.

Why is Mark anxious? Why did he take out his knife? What is it about the box that makes him anxious?

I noticed that you used a lot of adverbs in this part. While adverbs are useful things, you have to be careful not to use too many of them. Oftentimes, you can replace an adverb-verb combination with a stronger verb. For example, "quickly took" could be switched out for "whipped" which basically means the same thing.

Do you also see how two words were replaced with just one strong one? Whenever you're writing a short piece, it is very important that all of your words are as strong as possible, especially when you have a word limit. The more strong words you use in favor of adverb combos, the more words you free up to tell your story with. And that means you can jam in more story in that small space.

Before him lay a suspiciously weird jack-in-the-box which sprang out in front of him very quickly and caused him to utter a fearful yell, a very fearsome one at that, and all the people within a square mile were scared out of their pajamas and they got so angry at him that they tied him to a post and poured oil on him, put 1,000 feathers on him, and rode him out of town on a splintery rail so quickly that as he was going out of town he thought, "When I get back, I am going to find out who sent me that box!" and he did just that because when he got home, his best friend (who was not really that) asked him what had happened and so Mark punched him on the nose because the friend had did it.

First things first, that was one very long sentence. If you broke it up into smaller sentences, your story would be easier to read. A lot of times, you could replace "and" with a period. Since you're writing a 100-word story, the more words you free up, the better, and using punctuation instead of connecting everything with "and"s will free up more words.

Also, much like the first part, you also had a lot of adverbs here, and words that could be replaced with stronger ones. For example, "suspiciously weird" could be replaced with "suspicious" or "strange" or even "hair-raising". Similarly, "sprang... very quickly" could be replaced with "shot", which means essentially the same thing, and "utter a fearful yell" could be rephrased as "yelled fearfully" (this is when adverbs can be quite useful).

The more words you free up, the more room you have to explain things, like how Mark knew his friend did it and maybe even how Mark got back. Explanations are what make stories make sense, and without them, stories aren't as fun to read or listen to.

Overall, this isn't a bad story, but it could be better with a bit of editing.

Thanks K,
I'll show this to my brother.
10-4

How old is your brother?

Anyhow, it took me two or three read overs to fully understand this very short story. But i think if your brother was to stretch out this story and use these two paragraphs as a building block, he'd have a good story on his hands.....

Why was he anxious hmmmm? Flesh it out, explain why he was anxious. Also have a couple more characters if he wishes. Perhaps a few angry towns folk, give them personalities and this will be good.