Father Winter

Not my typical style...just bored and wanted something new. This is unedited, so tear it apart if you must! I haven't been writing very well lately.


Trees drip in diamond ice,
The stars mimic their glitter.
I can't help but remember your smiling eyes,
And how they would glisten
when it snowed.

An arctic wind attacks my bones,
The branches shake and shudder.
I waltz along dark alleys alone,
And watch the beggars moan
for warmth.

Emptiness creeps in,
The feeling is too familiar.
I look upon the evening sky,
And wonder where you are among the stars
held in such perfect position.

Father Winter, my dear friend,
What have I done to deserve
Your cold shoulder?
It is quite dark and lonesome
beneath your chilly blanket.

This was lovely- it has both the positive and the negative aspects of winter, first described as pretty and glittering, then as cold and, my favorite word you used, "attacking." Can't think of anything to change- it sort of leaves a lot to the imagination. Did the narrator lose someone close perhaps, and is now looking for them in the stars? Who knows.. Could be a little more specific, but it's a great poem nonetheless.

I love it. It's a lovely poem that evokes the lonely feeling lots of people get during this season.

Trees drip in diamond ice,
The stars mimic their glitter.

I think you should slash the 'in' in your first lines. I know this is a major nitpick but it is the start of your poem and it's important to start strong. With the 'in' where it is, it sounds like the trees are dripping into a lake of ice or something and the image is really confusing.

In the second stanza, attack seems to be a poor word choice. It doesn't seem to be right personification for wind. Attack seems to fit better for more concrete things, whereas wind is this strong force. It's word choice of course so it's your call, but perhaps 'invade' would be a better fit.

I hate to be really nitpick-y, but I do like this as a whole so I can't critique on overall. That is except to say that though this is a free verse poem, you still had a steady flow to it, which is commendable. It's something I, personally find really hard to do in my poems that don't rhyme.

Ah, aside from that, there's this very vague impression of another person in this poem. A 'you' mentioned in the first and third stanzas. This poem plays on being a personal poem, hence the 'you' mentioned and then it's also a general poem that surveys the world, as in your 2nd stanza. I think you should decide which you would like to expand in this poem. It's either a cold love poem, or a picture of a cold Christmas.

As it is, you leave the 2nd person really underdeveloped. As I said, we have a vague impression of him but no vivid imagery. It's almost a filler rather than an important part of the poem.

Anyway, good job. Keep writing.

--Nixie

Trees drip in diamond ice,
The stars mimic their glitter.
I can't help but remember your smiling eyes,
And how they would glisten
when it snowed.

Gorgeous imagery in the first two lines, I love it! However, I do agree with KnightlyAngel - if you dropped the “in”, the first line would be a lot stronger. The ending of this stanza feels a little abrupt, like it’s lacking something.

An arctic wind attacks my bones,
The branches shake and shudder.
I waltz along dark alleys alone,
And watch the beggars moan
for warmth.

More lovely imagery, keep it up! Again, the ending of this stanza (and your remaining two stanzas) feels abrupt. It has something to do with the rhythm but I can’t place my finger on it exactly… it’s consistent throughout the entire poem though so maybe it’s just me.

I haven’t got much else to say about this piece, overall I really like it. Looking forward to reading more of your work, keep writing!