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I love how you go from having the reader believe that Luis is just some normal person and in love (girlfriend/boyfriend) with violet to fatherly figure to savior to wherwulf. Also, you make it so that the reader wants to side with him even if the rest of the world vews him as a moster.

Okay, i just want to say one thing. Replying to your work is so hard because i want to help and critique your writing but i can't find anything wrong with it! Keep it up and let me know when you post the next part to this!

He opened his eyes and reached across the floor blindly until his fingers touched furs, and then soft, warm skin. He looked up to make sure she was still there anyway, and felt her back to see if she was still breathing. She was.
He laid back down as he carefully pulled her pallet closer to his side, draping his arm about her tiny frame as he kissed her cheek.
Absentmindedly, he fit his forefinger into her tiny, unconscious hands and pressed his lips to her knuckles. He watched her precious face twitch with dreams, the corners of her mouth curling into lighthearted grins. Only Violet could dream sweetly in a world like this.
He could have laid there for hours, days even, just holding her close and smelling the sweetness of her skin and spirit. I like how you added ‘and spirit’ to this line. It makes it feel like he really cares about who she is, not like he’s just intoxicated with her body. She was unspoiled by the cruelty that society had to offer, oblivious to the struggle to simply survive one day at a time.
He rolled back his eyes, and sighed as he sat upright and ran his hand over his face. He looked around the airstream with distaste. He had torn up the floors to use as firewood. Tattered curtains hung over the windows, but no light shown through. Faded floral wallpaper covered the walls, some parts would areas be a better word here so old and yellowed that the pattern was unintelligible garbled/ and gross/sickening/. A layer of ice coated everything save the floor where Louis and Violet were. Then he reminded himself quickly that it was shelter after all. Dry shelter. And it would be warm as soon as he put another log on the fire in the corner.
Violet mumbled unintelligibly I noticed that you used this word describing the wallpaper earlier. Personally, I would change the description of the wallpaper so that this stands out better. in her sleep and then began to suck her thumb. He picked up one of the four logs that he had left out of the six that he had managed to find. This sentence is confusing. Couldn’t you just say he picked up a log? Personally, he had no need for it, but he was never less concerned about himself at the present moment.
He watched the flames lick the wood, the bark peel back in attempt to escape I love this personification but it was futile. Soon the while thing ? I think you mean whole was consumed in flames.
Violet began to whimper, and he had her in his arms in no time at all.
'Hungry?' he murmured, dragging his duffle bag over to them. I think it should be ‘towards them’ or ‘to her’ He set her in his lap, her back against his torso, and unzipped the bag. He found a water bottle full of goat’s milk and unscrewed the cap.
He held the opening would ’rim’ be a better word than ’opening’ to Violet's lips and carefully poured a little into her mouth, allowing her time to swallow before giving her any space more.

  

He could hardly feel the bite of cold, but he knew its teeth bore deep in Violet by the way she was shivering. He was forced to constantly remind himself of the frailty of her kind. She could freeze to death in his arms and he would not realize it until it was too late. Worrying, constantly worrying. He wished there were no worries. Nothing to fear or regret. But then again, that would mean death. The only thing that constructed this world was worry and pain and suffering. Worry of starving to death. The pain of loss. Suffering cold and loneliness. He very solemnly believed that Violet was the last, the only good thing left in the world. And he did not think so because he loved her so. She accepted him. He knew that it was possibly because she was still too young, too innocent to fully understand what he was. But when the humans rejected him for what he had become, and all others for who he had been, he needed her. He needed to believe that she would always look at him as if he was a god, as though he was perfect.

very nice paragraph

Shadows stumbled awkwardly in the darkness, occasionally flashing lights in random directions. Guards. These were humans, no doubt. Clumsy, mundane, skittish humans. And dogs. He hated dogs

this paragraph shows a lot about his character. What he thinks about humans, and how much he hates dogs

 

Fur, white as the ice and snow unfurled all over his body, save a ridge on his back, which was silver and black. It flowed between his shoulders and into the feathering of his tail.
His hands and feet lengthened into claws of ivory, while saber-like fangs sprouted in his new, powerful jaws. His yellow eyes gleamed with blood thirst.

I really love the description of this wolf; very unique.

He ripped the man's head off his shoulders, spaying
himself with blood.

A snarl ripped up from the very depths of his chest and he waggingwagged a gnarled claw at him.

He lunged forward, catching the leader's throat in his jaws, feeling the sinews and tissues pop and tear as his fangs bore deeper. Blood filled his mouth, quenching a thirst he had been unaware of until that moment. Suddenly, the desire to kill was his master and he longed for nothing more than to obey its feral calling.

 great description

He buried his claws in the man’s flesh, snarls ripping from his throat, snorting as he stripped flesh from bone.

Wow, another amazing chapter, but first I have to say a few things that threw me off just a little bit.

You didn’t give Louis’s name until the chapter was nearly half over; you always referred to him as ‘He’. So when you first said it, I paused thinking ‘wait, who is that?’ and then I was like ‘oh yeah, that’s probably him.’ To clear up that moment of confusion, you should just stick his name at the very beginning. The first sentence really, and that would take care of it.

Louis opened his eyes and reached across the floor blindly until his fingers touched furs, and then soft, warm skin.

Secondly, I was tripped up just a bit when I realized that this was based on a futuristic society, when I was thinking it was some fantasy world. Not a big deal, just when you started describing old Shell stations and grills I got confused. That’s probably my bad, but if you can give any hints earlier to what time period this is in, it might help. Up to you.

Well, that’s really all the suggestions I had. You did such a great job with creating Louis’s character. To me, he’s very unique, and it’s a lot of fun to watch him through the story. I especially like how you made him treat Violet as if she was his daughter, not necessarily his lover. Oh, and it would also help if you gave us an idea how old she is.

Your descriptions are amazing; they constantly give me that wow factor. I think you’re story has a great mix of words that makes it seem both violent and beautiful.

I really want to read more of this. PM me when you get more up? Thanks.
I'm surprised this doesn't have more views/comments O_O

Thanks for all the excellent feedback guys

I liked this chapter for the soft aura it has of Louis’ love. I can understand that he has conflicting emotions between what he is and what he knows Violet needs him to be. I think you went a little too far in the first paragraph, though. Louis doesn’t seem like a loving father figure; almost like a lover. Tone down on his PDA and you’re golden.
The nitpicks are as follows:

Louis opened his eyes and reached across the floor blindly until his fingers touched furs, and then the soft, warm skin of an infant. He looked up to make sure she was still there anyway, and felt her back to see if she was still breathing. She was.

First of all, I want to ask you about Louis’ eyesight. Somewhere forward a few chapters, you mention that Zayn is near-blind in daylight. Is this true for Louis too? If so, then the quoted passage above makes sense, but if it is not, then you should rewrite it. Either way, it is rather confusing. His eyes are open, but he still ‘reached across the floor blindly’?
Also, I find the whole thing about feeling her breathing rather wrong. If his senses are so keen that he can hear heartbeats, then why must he feel her just to tell if she is breathing? Moreover, that last little ‘She was’ seems rather blunt. I would cut it.

Absentmindedly, he fit his forefinger into her tiny, unconscious hands and pressed his lips to her knuckles.

‘Forefinger’ is singular, ‘hands’ is plural; your action doesn’t match up.

He looked around the airstream with distaste.

What is an airstream? I gathered later on that it is some kind of portable house, a trailer of sorts, but it was a while later. I suggest that you refer to it as a trailer, just so you don’t confuse others like me.

He had torn up the floors to use as firewood.

Woah, wait; if it’s a trailer, then why does it have a wooden floor? Also, ‘floors’ is incorrect. Were it a house, you could say ‘floorboards’.

Tattered curtains hung over the windows, but no light shown through.

‘Shown through’ is the incorrect verb tense. You are using past tense, so it should be ‘showed through’. ‘Showed’ is a bad choice for a word though, perhaps you meant ‘shone’?

Dry shelter. And it would be warm as soon as he put another log on the fire in the corner.

‘Dry shelter’ is a fragment. I notice that you use many fragments as frank, to-the-point descriptive phrases. This, however, is grammatically incorrect (even though it has a nice style to it) so use it sparingly.
Also, why is it not warm yet? He already has a fire, and he felt Violet’s ‘soft, warm skin’.

He picked up a log andset it on the coals.

And set.

He watched the flames lick the wood, the bark peel back in attempt to escape but it was futile. Soon the while thing was consumed in flames.

I like this line of imagery, definitely a keeper, but the futility note afterwards just detracts from it. I suggest you cut it.
Also, ‘while’ should be ‘whole’.

He found a water bottle full of goats milk and unscrewed the cap.

He should not ‘find’ this bottle, since he knows already it is in the duffle bag. He should ‘remove’ or ‘select’ it from the duffle bag.
Also, when referring to the organic origin of the milk, the adjective should be possessive. Goats milk, goat’s milk.

He held the opening to Violet's lips and carefully poured a little into her mouth, allowing her to swallow before giving her anymore.

‘Rim’, ‘lip’, ‘edge’, not opening.

When the bottle was empty, he sighed and put it in the bag again,'That's all of it...'

You need a space between ‘again,’ and ‘That’s’.

He had to hunch his shoulders a little to stand halfway so that his head did not hit the ceiling.

He must be very tall, and this airstream very short. Most trailers have a five-six to six foot ceiling, how tall is this guy?

He placed Violet in the warm folds and gave her the bear,'Here we go.'

You need a space between ‘bear,’ and ‘Here’.

The shattering of a loose icicle fallen from the mirror of the station wagon that the airstream was hitched to brought him out of thought.

This sentence is long, ungainly and just plain ugly. Cut, reduce, modify.
Three words: excessive prepositional phrases.

He walked around the picnic table and the grill to the cracked asphalt highway minding his footing on the black ice that coated it.

‘Minding’ seems a poor choice of words. Also, this sentence is too long and too wordy.

He paused momentarily when a howl broke the silence of the night. The hair on the back of his neck bristled.

‘Nape of the neck’ sounds better, and certainly more technical.

They, and the Leeches, were only a few of the disadvantages of traveling by night.

‘Traveling’ is misspelled, depending on your nationality. If you speak British English, then it should be ‘travelling’. For Americans, ‘traveling’.
Or is it the other way around?

Nothing to fear or regret. But then again, that would mean death. The only thing that constructed this world was worry and pain and suffering. Worry of starving to death. The pain of loss. Suffering cold and loneliness.

Far too many fragments going over the same idea again and again. Cut some, splice the others.

He very solemnly believed that Violet was the last, the only good thing left in the world. And he did not think so because he loved her so.

Splice these two sentences like so, “…in the world, and not just because he loved her so.”

He wrapped his arms around the sling and pressed her closer to him, offering the heat of his own body to warm her.

So, he doesn’t need heat, yet he does have a body temperature. Why is that so?
I would imagine that a mythical cold-proof creature would also be just as cold as the surrounding air, it just wouldn’t feel anything. Simple laws of energy state would dictate that his body be just as cold as a stone if he is not generating heat. And why would he generate heat if he did not need it? Or is his heat so intense it keeps out the cold?
Just curious.

Shadows stumbled awkwardly in the darkness, occasionally flashing lights in random directions. Guards. These were humans, no doubt. Clumsy, mundane, skittish humans. And dogs. He hated dogs.

I love how you’ve used fragments here, especially that last one. See, this is how you should use them.

He had been wandering aimlessly for so long, and then he found Violet.

That last bit after the comma kinda dangles of uselessly. I suggest you either cut it or change the way you merge it into the first part.

Louis backed away as the dogs approached, stopping when he hit a Grey Hound bus.

At first, I thought the dogs stopped. You need to cut this into two sentences, like so:
“Louis backed away as the dogs approached. He stopped when he could feel the cold metal of a Grey Hound bus behind his back.

They snarled, hackles raised to a stand on their shoulders.

Instead of ‘stand’ I would suggest a different word, maybe ‘brush’ or ‘plume’ or ‘crest’.
Yes, definitely ‘crest’, not the first two.

He examined the leader from where he stood, noting how his hands trembled, how his eyes were dilated.

‘Dilate’ means to open up. An ophthalmologist would often see pupils dilating when he shone lights into his patients’ eyes, but rarely would he ever describe their eyes as a whole to dilate. In connection to eyes, the verb ‘dilate’ is almost always used to describe the movement of the pupils, not eyes.
What you could say is:
“…how his pupils dilated erratically.”

'He's with the Eradicators,' said the
third, dropping Louis' hand.

What’s with this new line? It looks to me like you accidentally pressed ‘Enter’.

He shone a light into Louis' eyes and then took a hurried step backward,'Shit!'

You need a space between ‘backward.’ and ‘Shit!’

'He's a wolf!' gasped the examiner, running a trembling hand over his face.

Weren’t you capitalizing Wolf?

The guard did not heed Louis' warning, remaining oblivious to his surmounting rage the closer he came. He peered into the sling at Violet and brushed his fingers along her ivory skin.

‘His’ refers to Louis. ‘He’ is the guard. However, you do not discern between the two, so it could be confusing. You need to clarify your pronouns.

Louis snapped. He snatched the man by the throat with both hands.

When a dog snaps, he does it with his mouth. Same for a wolf, and I expected so with Louis. However, you say ‘snapped’ and then Louis uses his hands. Maybe you should change it.

His eyes dilated.

Again with the dilation.

Fur, white as the ice and snow unfurled all over his body, save a ridge on his back, which was silver and black. It flowed between his shoulders and into the feathering of his tail

You need a comma after ‘snow’. Also, I would have called it ‘snow-white fur’ and left it at that:
“Snow-white fur unfurled all over his body…”
Also, how does he hide his tail in his human form? Or does it disappear completely?

He ripped the man's head off his shoulders, spaying himself with blood

‘Spay’ is a word, alright, but I’m pretty sure Louis isn’t ‘spaying’ himself.

The duffle bag slipped off his shoulders, and he placed Violet carefully on the ground.

Why didn’t it pop off like his shirt?

'Okay... Okay...' he stuttered,'I'm sorry. We'll leave you alone. You can go and you can take your baby with you...'

You need a space between ‘stuttered.’ and ‘I’m’.

A snarl ripped up from the very depths of his chest and he wagging a gnarled claw at him.

‘Wagging’ is the incorrect tense, but even in the correct form it still is not the right word.

'Too late,' he said, his mouth floundering clumsily over words that it was not formed to speak.

I would suggest that you cut the ‘that’, it makes it much more steamlined.

He lunged forward, catching the leader's throat in his jaws, feeling the sinews and tissues pop and tear as his fangs bore deeper.

For a sinew (which is just a tendon) to pop, it must be stressed rather fully. Not at all what a neck sinew would be doing.
If his claws are sharp enough, they would not need to push hard against the sinews to cut them, thereby eliminating the pop you might get with a duller object.
At least…I believe so. I do not claim to know this from personal experience.

He pointed his nose toward the moon and half rose in his hind legs, howling.

You haven’t mentioned him dropping the guy yet, so he’s gurgling his howl around a mouthful of human.

His voice rang deeper in pitch than any of the others, and carried on longer.

Howls are actually rather high-pitched. Raise the pitch and the sound carries farther. Lower it, and the effect is negative.

Her wailing, screaming cry was like a slap in the face. He dropped his kill and dashed back for her, phasing back into his human form as he ran.

What about his clothes? And the blood all over him?

He caught her up in his arms, and their belongings, and ran on down the road, far away from the scene of his kill.

‘And their belongings’ is kinda tacked right on there without any special significance. Also, it is mildly incorrect in reference to the position of the verb.
It should be:
“He caught her and their belongings up in his arms…”

He stopped finally at a billboard advertising the perfect day care, and sank down to his knees.

Cut the part I struck out. In fact, you could cut out the mention of the billboard entirely. Location isn’t too important right now, what with the intense emotion.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered,'I'm so sorry...'

You need a space between ‘whispered,’ and ‘I’m’.


This is the second chapter, but I would change it if I were you. Change the first chapter to a prologue, then make this the first one. That way, you can spend a few more chapters on Louis, instead of switching back and forth between the two. After a few chapters on Louis, you can switch back to Zayn’s story, and spend some time on that. That format should be a little less confusing.
I know that you’ve already done a lot, but there’s still a long way to go yet.
Cheering you on,
Jenth

BEAST

Louis opened his eyes and reached across the floor blindly until his fingers touched her shoulder. He looked up to make sure she was still there despite knowing that, in fact, she was and felt her back to see if she was still breathing. It was a habit he had developed over the past few years, since he found her. Ever since that day he had been kept awake by the relentless sense of paranoia that came with adopting a small child during these uncertain times.
He laid back down as he carefully pulled her pallet closer to his side, draping his arm about her tiny frame and resting his head on his fist so that he could watch from above her dreaming face. you say ‘face’ again in the next line, so I would change this to something else, maybe ‘form’?
He watched her precious face twitch with dreams, the corners of her mouth curling into lighthearted grins. Only Violet could dream sweetly in a world like this.
He could have laid there for hours, days even, just holding her close and smelling the sweetness of her young spirit. She was unspoiled by the cruelty that society had to offer, oblivious to the struggle to simply survive one day at a time.
He rolled back his eyes and sighed as he sat upright and ran his hand over his face. He looked around the airstream with distaste. He had torn up some of the carpet to help start the fire and keep it going. Tattered curtains hung over the windows, but no light shown through. Faded floral wallpaper covered the walls, some areas so old and yellowed that the pattern was mottled and faded. A layer of ice coated everything save the floor where Louis and Violet and the fire were. Then he reminded himself quickly that it was shelter after all. Dry shelter. And it would be warm as soon as he put another log on the fire in the corner. That was all anyone could ask for.
Violet mumbled unintelligibly in her sleep and then began to suck her thumb. He picked up a log and placed it on the coals. Personally, he had no need for it, but he was never less concerned about himself at the present moment.
He watched the flames lick the wood, the bark peeling back in attempt to escape. Soon the whole thing was consumed in flames.
Violet began to whimper and raised her weary head off of the floor, searching anxiously for him. He had her in his arms in no time at all.
'Louie?’ she mumbled, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.
'I'm here,' he murmured, dragging his duffle bag over to them.
He set her in his lap, her back against his torso, and un-zipped the bag, 'Hungry?’
She nodded and watched as he pulled a large hunting knife from his bag and unsheathed it. The firelight glanced eerily off the blade as he ran its edge across his scarred palm. Blood oozed from the wound and dripped between his fingers. He swallowed and offered his hand to Violet, who sniffed the wound and then began to lick away the blood.
He watched her carefully, aware of her tiny undeveloped fangs brushing against his skin with each pass of her tongue. Many would have found it nerve wracking, to hand-feed a vampire. But to him this was a part of their daily routine. However, he did not like to think of what would happen when she was older, when her fangs came out instinctively at just the smell of blood I think this should be rephrased to something like ‘However, he did not like to think of what will happen once she‘s older, when her fangs will come out instinctively at the mere scent of blood‘ . He shuddered inwardly, relieved that that day was still far off.
When she had finished feeding, she ran her tongue gently over the wound, sealing it. It was soon a pale scar, identical to numerous others that marked his hand. He grinned a little and ran his hand carefully over her hair.
He pulled a brush out of his bag and began to brush her hair in silence.
'When will we get there?’ she asked, looking back at him.
'We’ve still gotta I’d avoid using ‘gotta’. We still have a long ways ahead of us. long ways ahead of us, Vi,’ he replied, glancing to the curtains when they shifted. It was only the wind. 'Will we get to see the Green Lady?’ she asked. since it’s a new speaker, start a new paragraph.
'Of course,’ he replied, tying her hair back into a ponytail.
'Have you ever seen her?’ she asked standing up and turning around to face him.
'Once or twice,’ he replied, 'But only from far away.’
'What did she look like?’ she pursued.
'Like a big Green Lady,’ he said, standing up. I think you would lowercase green lady.
'Was she pretty?’ she wondered.
He grinned, amused by her curiosity, 'I couldn’t tell... She lowercase she since he’s simply continuing the sentence was too far away.’
He had to hunch his shoulders a little to stand halfway so that his head did not hit the ceiling this sentence is very wordy. He stood, hunching his shoulders so that his head did not hit the ceiling. . He donned a patchwork coat of skins and leathers and a large patch across the back that read “E.C- L. Graham- Alpha 1- 13“, buckling the various straps over the front carefully to me, this sentence also felt wordy . He knelt again beside Violet and wrapped her little coat around her and fit her hand into a glove of bear hide. He pulled a fur cap over her head and ears and tied the strings under her chin. He pinned the empty left sleeve to her side to keep it out of her way.
'Time to be moving on, Vi,' he muttered, shouldering his bag.
She held her hands out to him and he picked her up. He gathered up her pallet of furs and skins and blankets that he had found in the airstream and tied two corners diagonal from each other together before looping it over his neck and under his shoulder, forming a sling.
He placed Violet into the warm folds of the sling and gave her a (handed Violet her) battered old purple Teddy bear,'Here we go.'
Louis moved quietly to the door and twisted the latch. He pressed his weight into the handle, but the door stuck. He huffed and heaved his shoulder into it, and it shrieked open, ice shattering around the threshold.
At first he thought the world was on fire. The ice that blanketed the rest stop glittered, stained shades of orange and yellow and red. And then he looked up into the night sky.
The effervescent orb of light suspended far above illuminated the sky and the earth in an otherworldly glow. It swirled lazily, flashing white light in some places. Louis did not have to squint as he looked into it, the light that it gave off was gentle on the eyes, like the flame of a candle. It gave off no warmth, no cold. It did not seem to serve any real purpose other than lighting the night, like the moon, or keeping the sun company.
He could not remember a time when it was not there. As far as he knew it always had been and would be. But as he looked at it he was almost certain that it had grown, and was growing.
A slight nudge to the ribs from Violet brought him out of thought.
Time to start moving.
He walked around the picnic table and the grill to the cracked asphalt highway comma minding his footing on the black ice that coated it.
He paused momentarily when a howl broke the silence of the night. The hair on the back of his neck bristled.
Another howl answered the first, and two more after that. He began walking in the opposite direction.
Louis generally tried to avoid others, especially the Wolves. They, and the Leeches, were only a few of the disadvantages of traveling by night.
Violet hid her face against his chest and hugged her bear closer as she hunkered deeper into the folds of the sling. She peered up at Louis through one eye, looking to him for comfort.
‘It’s okay, Vi,’ he assured her, ‘I won’t let anything happen to you.’
He very solemnly believed that Violet was the last, the only good thing left in the world. And he did not think so because he loved her as much as he did. She accepted him. He knew that it was possibly because she was still too young, too innocent to fully understand what he was. But when the humans rejected him for what he had become, and all others for who he had been, he needed her. He needed to believe that she would always look at him as if he was a god, as though he was perfect. I get what you’re trying to say here, but for some reason I have a problem with the last line. You said ‘he needed her to look at him as if he was a god’. To me, this does not fit his character. It makes him seem like he seeks attention, like it will only satisfy him if people think he’s perfect. I think he’s much more modest then that, and only needs to feel accepted and not judged. The need to feel ‘god-like’ is just not what he’s after. Does that make any sense?
He wrapped his arms around the sling and pressed her closer to him, offering the heat of his own body to warm her. She stopped shivering after a moment. Violet was the only one standing between him and insanity.
After he had been walking for nearly an hour, Louis could hear people talking ahead and the smell of meat roasting. He smelled meat roasting.
He could see oblong shapes huddled around a fire in the distance beneath the carport of a dilapidated Shell station. Tents were set up in the lot close by, shuddering in the breeze. At the other end of the lot was a pen, inside were trembling figures. Slaves? Livestock?
Shadows stumbled awkwardly in the darkness, occasionally flashing lights in random directions. Guards. These were humans, no doubt. Clumsy, mundane, skittish humans. At their heels were a few dogs. Louis hated dogs.
He found himself wondering how long it had been since the last time he was so close to society of any kind. He had been wandering aimlessly for so long, and then he found Violet. His only purpose since then had been to protect and provide for her while still keeping out of sight.
A gust of wind from the south picked up momentarily.I think this would sound better as a simple ‘A gust of wind came from the south’
The dogs began to bay and strain at their chains, having caught Louis' scent on the wind.
All at once it seemed that the camp was in an uproar.
The guards set three dogs loose, and they bolted toward Louis. Meanwhile, those near the fire ran to the tents, screaming half intelligible warnings. The guards ran after the dogs, guns ready. Louis backed away as the dogs approached, stopping when he hit a Grey Hound bus. They snarled, hackles raised to a stand on their shoulders.
'Vi, get under the bus,’ he whispered, kneeling down slowly and placing her and the sling on the ground, 'Don’t come out until I say it’s safe.’
She hesitated, but obeyed and crawled underneath the bus, taking the sling and her bear with her. Louis stepped in front of where she crawled in to assure that she was not seen, just as[space]the guards approached.
'Don't move!' shouted one of the men.
A light shown in Louis’ face, and he covered his eyes with his hand.
'I... I don't want any trouble,' Louis said, fumbling over his own words. Had it been so long that he had forgotten how to simply interact?
'Who the hell are you and what the hell do you want?' demanded the guard.
'Nothing... Just passing by,' Louis replied, glancing at the dogs.
'What's in the bag?' asked the guard.
'None of your concern,' Louis replied.
He examined the leader from where he stood, noting how his hands trembled, how his eyes were dilated. He recognized these sorts immediately. Cannibals.
'I'm making it my concern, asshole,' growled the man.
Three others came forward, two of them aiming their guns at his temples.
'Move and we'll blow your head off,' one of them said.
The third picked up Louis's right hand and examined the back of it. A tattoo was there: a skull and cross-bones with the initials 'E.C'. Beneath that read his name 'L. Graham'. His number '13', and his ranking 'Alpha 1'.
'He's with the Eradicators,' said the third, dropping Louis' hand.
He shone a light into Louis' eyes and then took a hurried step backward, 'Shit!'
It was not the first time his yellow irises had stricken fear into somebody.
'He's a wolf!' gasped the examiner, running a trembling hand over his face.
Then The man on the right, still holding a gun to Louis' head, looked down and spotted a corner of fabric sticking out from under the bus. He put his foot down on it and dragged it and Violet out.
Violet shrieked and hugged Louis’ leg.
The man gave a low laugh and knelt beside her, 'A vampire and a werewolf...traveling together... that’s...uncommon... waaaay too many ellipses in this sentence. A vampire and a werewolf traveling together. That’s… uncommon. ’ He reached his hand out to touch Violet’s arm.
'Touch her... no ellipses here either, I seriously doubt he took much pause in saying this aloud. And I'll fucking break your neck,' Louis said through his teeth, his body rigid all over.
Tension weighed (became) you use ’weight’ too much a staggering weight, especially upon Louis. He could feel his inner Beast struggling to make itself known. It was one side of him that he had never allowed Violet to see and never wanted her to see.
He listened to the beating of their hearts, the delicious smell of blood intensifying as the hostility between them all mounted. His mouth watered.
The dogs tucked their tails between their legs, whimpering now as Louis's dominance over them made itself apparent.
The guard did not heed Louis' warning, remaining oblivious to his surmounting rage the closer he came. He reached for Violet’s face, and brushed his fingertips against her cheek.
She gave a slight cry, hiding her face against Louis’ knee.
Louis snapped. He snatched the man by the throat with both hands. He twisted, feeling bones crunch under the grip of his claws and sinews tear in his fangs. His eyes dilated.
In the matter of only a few seconds he tripled in size, the seams of his pants tearing while his shirt shredded into rags and fell off entirely.
Fur, white as the ice and snow unfurled all over his body, save a ridge on his back, which was silver and black. It flowed between his shoulders and into the feathering of his tail.
His hands and feet lengthened into claws of ivory, while saber-like fangs sprouted in his new, powerful jaws. His yellow eyes gleamed with blood thirst.
In the back of his mind he heard Violet scream, but he was too far gone. The moment she released his leg, he ripped the man's head off his shoulders, spraying himself with blood. He let the corpse drop, and then turned to the others.
The leader stumbled back, dropping his weapon and holding up his hands in surrender.
'Okay... Okay...' he stuttered, 'I'm sorry. We'll leave you alone. You can go and you can take your baby with you...'
A snarl ripped up from the very depths of his chest and he wagged a gnarled claw at him.
'Too late,' he said, his mouth floundering clumsily over words that it was not formed to speak.
He lunged forward, catching the leader's throat in his jaws, feeling the sinews and tissues pop and tear as his fangs bore deeper. Blood filled his mouth, quenching a thirst he had been unaware of until that moment. Suddenly, the desire to kill was his master and he longed for nothing more than to obey its feral calling.
Violet had hunkered under the bus again, screaming and crying as she watched the Beast tear apart those men. She hugged her bear tight and put her head between her legs, trying to escape the sounds of ripping flesh and snapping jaws.
Louis buried his claws in the man's flesh, snarls ripping from his throat, snorting as he stripped flesh from bone. The dogs and the last two men were running now. He gave chase on all-fours, his claws tearing into the ice.
He took down the first of them, catching him by the nape of the neck. The man crumpled with a strangled cry.
Louis shook his head back and forth, the man nothing more than a rag doll in his possession.
He pointed his nose toward the moon and half rose in his hind legs, howling.
Others far in the distance joined in his song in beautiful harmony. His voice rang deeper in pitch than any of the others, and carried on longer.
Suddenly he stopped, his mind clearing with the one sound that could have brought him back. Violet.
Her wailing, screaming cry was like a slap in the face. He dropped his kill and dashed back for her, phasing back into his human form as he ran.
He approached the bus and knelt down so that he could see under it. Violet was there, still crying and screaming.
'Vi,’ he said, reaching for her, 'Violet... Violet, it’s me! Come here!’
She choked on a sob, looking at him finally.
'I’m here, Vi,’ he said, 'The monster’s gone... He can’t get you... Come here.’
She sniffled and stared at him for awhile.
'Come here, sweetheart,’ he said gently, 'Let’s get away from here.’
She nodded and crawled out from under the bus and into his arms.
'I am so sorry...’ he whispered, 'I didn’t mean to scare you...’
Her grip around his neck tightened and she began to sob again.
'Shh...’ he breathed, gathering up all their belongings, 'I’ve got you now, nothing’s gonna hurt you.’
He began walking again, covering her up with her blankets.
He stopped finally at a billboard and sank down to his knees, holding her close. She was asleep now.
He peeled her away from his chest just long enough to see her face, and felt his heart break when he saw the trails her tears had left along her cheeks. He smoothed them away and held her trembling body close again, aware that he was shaking too.
'I'm sorry,' he whispered,'I'm so sorry...'
He hardly realized that he had begun to half-sing:

"Somewhere...over the rainbow... Way up high...
There's a land that I dreamed of once in a lullaby...
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue...
And dreams that you dared to dream really do come true..."

Violet hid her face in the hollow of his neck, her fingers curled in his beard. He continued to sway with her in his arms, his eyes squeezed closed. He never wanted to lose control in front of her. He never wanted to scare her. Not again.

I think the last half was pretty much unedited, except for Violet being older.

This was short enough that I don’t have many final comments. Pretty much all I had to say was written in the story, and most if it was sentence rephrasing and the like. I felt like sometimes you were repeating words or phrases (you mentioned several times how when Louis would kill he would ‘feel flesh tear and hear sinews break’). Some sentences seemed wordy too, so be careful for that. Be sure to weed out any unnecessary stuff and only say things in the most direct way. Lastly, hold back on the ellipses x). Most the time with dialogue, the reader will be able to feel the natural pauses and won’t need ellipses. Besides, they’re distracting, especially when you bunch a ton of them together.

Well, let me know about questions!