xxxChapter 1
Paramore: “And now im told that this is life, and pain is just a simple compromise”
I will always remember that day. Four years ago now. That day has ingratiated itself into my mind; connected to all my thought processes, all it takes is a word to trigger it and I'm back there again. Back in that room- that painfully bright room that stung my eyes, and yet seemed so dim. Like a screeching sound in your ear that you choose to ignore,it lingers. But no matter how much you choose to ignore it, it will always remain, lodged in your brain. Until its apart of you, but god, i wish it would go away. I don't want it anymore.
*
My chest swelled with pride as, for the millionth time, miss hudson complimented me on my neat kartwheels;
"Brilliant, well done kate! You really are very good at them aren't you? They're going to love you at finals, i just know it."
I knew I was showing off but it was worth it just to see Lucy's jealousy. I hated her. I smirked.
"Right girls! Everyone face me" no one hushed so she blew her whistle, presumably exasperated from two hours of running around after thirty odd ten year olds.
" That really was a great practise! You should all be very proud of yourselves, we will have to move on to sequence b next thursday as sequence a doesn't seem to be challenging enough." She estimated.
"So roll up the mats and we can all go home."
We set to work, turning it into a competition as usual of who can collect the most mats. After we were finished we ran into the cloakrooms, grabbed our coats and skipped into the reception, full of the usual glee that Gymnastics usually inflicts on young girls. In and out the parents went but no one seemed to come for me, it was unusual for dad to be late; he was notoriously the early one in the family. He was probably just caught up in a traffic jam. Yeah. That would be it.
"Did your dad say he might be slightly late, kate?" asked mrs green curiously bending her head forward patronisingly.
"Erm, no. I don't think so..." The truth was, I wouldn't know. I had an argument with him this morning, i didn't even give him his usual morning kiss, i walked off before he could utter a letter, never mind a word. I felt bad now though, he has been needing kisses and hugs an awful lot lately. He's been... well sad.
"Kate" i heard a throaty voice announce nervously. I looked up and saw my auntie Cath; a very loud bubbly woman but something was etched into her face.
"Where's dad?"
"Oh urm, he couldn't pick you up today, so i offered to take you" she replied, obviously lost in her thoughts by the uncomfortable look on her face. She looked disorientated. I decided to ignore this, she was probably just stressed with work or something.
She had a sombre conversation with one of the teachers and then we walked out to the car park. A shove of smokey stale air coursed through my lungs as i closed the door of her white ford. The family had been trying to dissuade her from smoking ever since I can remember but she had always dismissed it politely and said that 'she needed it to be sane'. A ridiculous excuse of course, but what could you say to that?
On the way back she stopped off at the newsagents purely to buy me some sweets.
"Oh! Thank you." I stammered, surprised that she went into the shop just to buy something so insignificant for me.
I laugh if something bad has happened, i thought, the schizophrenic paranoid mental patient laughing hysterically in my head as she started up the car again. I always loved the way my Auntie drove. She was always completely oblivious to the cars that drove behind shouting abuse at her. But instead drove with an isn't it a nice day in the neighbourhood? look on her face whilst cruising at 15 mph. But today it was different. She compulsively looked in her windscreen mirror and glanced at me, not to mention driving way over the speed limit. What was bothering her?
"What're we doing here?" I questioned politely, when she stopped abruptly outside my nans house, instead of taking me the direct route home.
"Your staying at your nans tonight" she asserted in a sternthis is what's happening so don't question, kind of way adults master.
I grabbed my P.E kit, checked to make sure there were no oncoming cars, got out quickly and ran onto the pavement. I knocked on the door, no one answered, so i tried the door, and trudged in. Throwing my bags down and taking my shoes off i ran into the kitchen to find the source of a rather delicious smell coming from the kitchen.
"Hello honey" my nan smiled, but before i could tell her about gym practise she stopped me abruptly and told me that she needed to have a word with Auntie Cath. Five minutes later, Auntie Cath padded out looking a decidedly strange shade of pale grey. What was going on? Why was my stomach sinking down to my feet. Why were so many irregular things occuring? Had i done something wrong? Whatever it was, i decided i didn't want to know. Something bad had happened. Something really bad and i had a feeling it was to do with my dad.
"Kate, why don't you come into the kitchen and help me with these eggs?" my nan suggested suddenly in my ear.
"No."
"Come on, i just need a little help? Won't take very long." she said desperately.
"No."
"Oh please?" she said almost begging. I was unnerved.
"NO!" I shrieked, i was acting inexplicably and i didn't know why. I couldn’t even anticipate what i was going to do next. It was as if my subconscious knew that if i went into that kitchen with my nan, i would learn something that i reallydidn't want to know.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" i shrieked swiftly bursting into tears of unexplained panic.
My nan gave a retreating sigh, she had given up.
"Kate, your dad's had a, little car accident."
"But it's not little is it nan?!" I whispered shaking.
She looked at down at her feet: That was my answer.
My mind ran through a continuous current of what if's? I rocked back and forth; crying quietly. This was beyond my control. But maybe, just maybe i could do something. I stood up and sat down one hundred times, why? Well what if i didn't? He might die. I ran through a million rituals; tapping the arm of the chair 50 times whilst my nan watched terrified. I didn't care.
My brother walked in with a few members of my family a little while later. He was crying, i had never seen him cry before.
*
I heard a knock on the guest bedroom door. It was eleven ‘o’ clock and I was just drifting back into a nightmare which I’m glad she woke me from.
"Yes" I whispered just loud enough for the person on the other side of the wood to hear.
“Kate?” It was my mum. I jumped out of bed and ran at her so fast that I nearly knocked her on the floor. I could tell by the scrunched up tissue in her hand and the bloodshot puffy eyes that she had been crying. A lot. I suddenly remembered that it hadn’t been a nightmare.
“Mum?”
“Yes darling” my mum sniffed wiping her nose.
“Is dad going to die?”
She lowered her head.
“Oh kate, don’t make me answer that.”
“Is dad going to die” I urged, a mix of fear and sternness in my voice.
She began to cry quietly.
“P-probably”. All of a sudden I couldn’t see anything; just flashes of black and white. Nothing corresponded with my brain but my mums words echoed endlessly in my head like a misguided ghost. Everything was a blur, mum said goodbye and said she was going to Birmingham hospital burns unit. I asked why dad was burnt, but she said that there had been some fire and walked out quickly. Until, my brother walked into my room later, to hug me I saw no one.
“Kate?”
“Yeah?” I sobbed.
“Im scared”
“Me too” I replied.
“No you don’t understand kate, I heard them talking about something. Dad.” He sounded suddenly serious.
“W-what is it?” I was afraid of what I was going to hear but how could this situation worsen?
“I think dad, I think he did it himself.”
“Wh-what do you mean?” I said confused.
“I heard nan in the kitchen. They said he had p-poured petrol over himself and set himself on fire. I think he committed suicide.”
I fell further into the ocean of despair I was already drowing in. I wouldn’t be up for air anytime soon.
Chapter 2
I took a deep heaving sigh as I reluctantly stepped into the house I have called my home since I was 2 and a half years old. The house in which I had grown up in; the house in which I have so many memories of my dad. I winced as the memories fought to pierce my nonchalant façade I had created in order to comfort my mum. I saw her cry this weekend- for the first time in my life since granddad died. Sometimes when things are going badly for you, and your mums happy, it’s the most comforting thing in the world. But when your mum cries, you know everything’s gone to shit… Dad died this weekend.
