Smell The Rose

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AdamBH
Gender Male
Points 795
Reviews 45
Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:54 pm
AdamBH says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:54 pm
Grasp it tightly!
Run your hand up and down the stem.
Again and again,
The blood will flow:
The thorns will prick you, one by one,
And you will bleed on to the sand.

Feel the pain. It's really there
At last.
She bleeds in the distance.
Life pains, waiting.
It's happened - it's ready.
The petals are quivvering.
She wind is shivvering.
The pollen runs, ready to land
In my hand.

But let it linger just one moment
Longer in the air.
So that I may be thankful for what we are about to share...
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Rayneisthename
Gender Female
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Reviews 47
Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:03 pm
Rayneisthename says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:03 pm
This is abit confusing when it gets to the second stanza, like you didn't know exactly what to do next. In the second stanza all of a sudden you start to rhyme but in the first half you did not. You might want to reword some of the lines so they make more of a connection to the theme. Overall, I thought it was okay. You might want to try more imagery next time though
Keep writing
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Butterfinger
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Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:09 pm
Butterfinger says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:09 pm
AdamBH wrote:Grasp it tightly!
Run your hand up and down the stem.
Again and again,
The blood will flow:
The thorns will prick you, one by one,
And you will bleed on to the sand.

For me, this was pretty straight forward with nothing left to think about.

Feel the pain. It's really there
At last.
She bleeds in the distance.
Life pains, waiting.
It's happened - it's ready.
The petals are quivvering.
The wind is shivvering.
The pollen runs, ready to land
In my hand.

Not really sure what's happening here, but maybe you see it as something beautiful?

But let it linger just one moment
Longer in the air.
So that I may be thankful for what we are about to share...


I don't think I understand what's really happening, but it's beautiful and has the potential to be more. Keep writing! It really is Great!
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Emmzziee
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Points 444
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Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:45 pm
Emmzziee says... · Thu Dec 16, 2010 4:45 pm
I love this, it really is beautiful; how you've written this!
Like, how everything is a mystery? And even a beautiful rose can be powerful enough to enfuse you, and also cut you up...?
Well. Even if that's not what it's about, that's the impression that I get and I like it :) xxx
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cupcake
Gender Female
Points 3371
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Fri Dec 17, 2010 2:44 am
cupcake says... · Fri Dec 17, 2010 2:44 am
Rayneisthename wrote:This is a bit confusing when it gets to the second stanza, like you didn't know exactly what to do next. In the second stanza all of a sudden you start to rhyme but in the first half you did not. You might want to reword some of the lines so they make more of a connection to the theme. Overall, I thought it was okay. You might want to try more imagery next time though
Keep writing

Either use rhyming throughout the poem or not at all. (I'm not trying to be nasty or anything, it's just my opinion) :D
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TheWalkinDude
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Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:04 am
TheWalkinDude says... · Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:04 am
I'm a bit confused; is this about a love that's almost like a love-hate relationship? Or is this about feeling pain in love? I do like this and although I do agree with what is said about the rhyming (the part that it should flow more with the poem, not the either rhyme or don't rhyme), especially in the second stanza, I do like it when the writer incorporates the two different styles into one poem. The unrhymed rhythm with the rhyming wordplay. It gives it a wort of odd, yet interesting, taste.
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