This could definitely be a prologue, if it precedes another story and the information in it is vital to understanding the story line. However, I would make it a letter or something so its significance makes more sense to the reader. A quick note: in fiction, you don't have to sacrifice information for emotion, or vice versa. Often time, the reader's knowledge of the character's situation will enhance the emotional identification for the reader to the character. I liked the diction that you chose; the tone you used was depressed and hurt, like a wounded deer. So kudos! You did what you wanted to do in that respect.
That being said, yes, I could definitely tell there was emotion to this piece. However, because the narrator was so vague in what actually happened between her and her lost love, I did not sympathize as much with her. If you want to make the reader feel what the character feels, it is very important to show, and not tell. Maybe you could make this a letter to the lost love from the narrator, and she can explain what happened from her point of view. Maybe there was this moment by the lockers when she looked up at him, and he was wearing a black sweater, and that was when she knew that she was trapped in love with him (but don't say that, because that would be lame. You see what I mean, though?). Have her explain concrete events before she spills her guts about how she feels about them.
I hope you find my comments constructive. PM me if you have any questions, and happy writing! -River
My main project until Script Frenzy is an experiment using blog posts between four characters as episodes of a common story. You can read this work as it progresses at http://knowallchronicles.blogspot.com/.
First off, punctuation. You use a lot of semicolons, and not all of those semicolons are properly used. Semicolons connect two independent clauses, or phrases that have a subject and a verb. The semicolon is used correctly in this sentence, "I'm not the lonely little girl that I used to be; I'm a woman now." but not in this sentence, "Your memories are nothing to me now; simply scars."
I also noticed at least one spelling mistake. It's always a good idea to proofread several times before sharing your work, and to use a word processor with spell-check. Spell-check won't catch every error, but it does a decent job at catching most errors.
The main issue this piece suffered from was how vague and cliched the descriptions were. As elephantwalrus already pointed out, readers form stronger emotional connections when they know what is going on, when the characters are shown to be human. Right now, there's none of the necessary information to form that connection. In addition, you used common descriptions, like broken angels and talk of unspecified scars, that are so common, they have become cliche. By using cliches instead of personalized descriptions, you further distance the reader from the characters.
Show us bits and pieces of the relationship. A few little snapshots in time can go a long way from making a character generic to genuine. Also, try not to use common phrases and descriptions; instead, try to describe things in terms your character would describe. For instance, a sailor's wife might talk about a loss as the person answering the sea's call.
As far as emotion goes, you had it very strongly in the beginning, but you lost it for me at the "Trapped in this beautiful, fragile body." sentence because it got me wondering why she was describing herself all of a sudden, and in such cliched terms, to boot. After that, I just couldn't take the rest of the piece seriously.
You've got a good base here, but you do need to work on the execution. Incorporate more personal details. Show the reader how much "you" meant to the narrator. And stay away from cliched phrasings as much as possible as they cheapen the emotional impact.
Definitely emotional, I'll give you that: but, you needed to do more showing than telling, especially towards the beginning. Maybe leave the face that they committed suicide until the end of the prologue, and give an impactful reason. Try to share the emotion, instead of telling the reader about it- that is what will really pull people in and gain their sympathy.
Also, punctuation. I found the punctuation you used extremely distracting. I think that some of the semi-colons should just be colons, or hyphens, or even just two separated sentences. This feels almost like a poem in parts, a little bit incoherent at times for prose. Tidy it up a little bit. Read it aloud, look at how you've punctuated it so far, and edit it all out.
This felt very forced to me- not only from the interrogation at the end, but it felt like you too an idea that's been used a lot, and decided to write about it- your imagery is somewhat melodramatic at parts, and has been used before. I think that you could try giving original descriptions that really connect with what the situation is. Don't go "Oh, the angels cry for my bent and broken body," but be rational and talk about what it feels like. Readers have a hard time empathizing with someone who pulls their hair and gnashes their teeth; they sympathize with those people. Readers can empathize with people who really show how broken they are, and why. I know that you were trying to keep this piece vague, but it's a little overdone, and allows no real connection with the reader. When writing emotional pieces, connection is probably the most important thing to establish.
Overall, nice, strong emotions in this- just try to share it with the reader a bit more.
