My Smiling Mask

5 posts
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GreenEyes
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 14
Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:29 pm
GreenEyes says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:29 pm
My mask is slipping,
The cracks are showing.
This screen that I made,
Is starting to fall down

I’ve covered my feelings,
For so many years
I’ve bottled them up,
And written them away
You can see my pain,
Scrawled across my arms
Written in blood and scars

At night I look to the sky,
Trying to find some light
But the stars and moons
Mean nothing to me
They don’t lighten my endless night
They can’t penetrate my darkness

How much longer before I fall?
How much longer before I break?
How much longer can I take?
The questions surround me
The answers hide behind lies
And false hope and sentiments

Am I ok?
Of course I’m fucking not
Look behind the picture
Find the person underneath
She’s a fucking mess
"The last to be overcome is death, and the knowledge of life is the knowledge of death." - Edgar Cayce
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Charlii101
Gender Female
Points 1072
Reviews 63
Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:19 pm
Charlii101 says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:19 pm
GreenEyes wrote:My mask is slipping,
The cracks are showing.
This screen that I made,
Is starting to fall down
i like the hidden message behind here i understand what your saying.
I’ve covered my feelings,
For so many years
I’ve bottled them up,
And written them away
You can see my pain,
Scrawled across my arms
Written in blood and scars
Loving how the story is slowly comming out towards you.
At night I look to the sky,
Trying to find some light
But the stars and moons
Mean nothing to me
They don’t lighten my endless night
They can’t penetrate my darkness
i can understand there is no light here anymore in your life, enjoying this good devices.
How much longer before I fall?
How much longer before I break?
How much longer can I take?
The questions surround me
The answers hide behind lies
And false hope and sentiments
the questions leave the reader wondering
Am I ok?
Of course I’m fucking not
Look behind the picture
Find the person underneath
She’s a fucking mess

this is sooo good i love how the lines flow, how you've added retorical questions into your poem it really good keep writting!
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Butterfinger
Gender Female
Points 2830
Reviews 114
Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:24 pm
Butterfinger says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 5:24 pm
I have to say that for the longest time of my teenage life, this is how I felt. Exactly. and when it felt too much, I would sit and scribble on paper how it felt until I blew away all the steam inside, but it always came back. This poem is so surreal and full of emotion and that is what makes it beautiful. The best poems come from those bullheaded feelings and I hope to read more!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.
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Lunasol21
Gender Female
Points 1682
Reviews 57
Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:22 am
Lunasol21 says... · Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:22 am
GreenEyes wrote:At night I look to the sky,
Trying to find some light
But the stars and moons
Mean nothing to me
They don’t lighten my endless night
They can’t penetrate my darkness


This is my favorite stanza. Not sure why, probably the subtle irony. I have felt this way for many years...all alone and helpless, writing poems was never an outlet though. Always a necessity to keep me from exploding. One thing I would recommend is removing "fucking"; it takes away from the beauty and the sadness and frustration of the poem. Great job though, I hope you find your light in the darkness. It does exist through the blood and pain, though it seems impossible. Keep writing, you have talent.
"Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery!" - Jane Austen
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SamWeeks
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 5
Sat Dec 18, 2010 12:49 pm
SamWeeks says... · Sat Dec 18, 2010 12:49 pm
This is very good. Some great imagery and feeling throughout, it's all excellent but I think my favourite stanza is the final one, it wraps up the poem; giving a definitive conclusion while maintaining the message of the poem.

The only advice I have is to use more puncuation in your poem, it is a really useful tool to get things across to the reader.

Please keep writing! :D
Rose: I wanted to say "we are not amused". Bet you five quid I can make her say it.

The Doctor: Well if I gambled on that, it'd be an abuse of my privilege as a traveler in time.

Rose: Ten quid?

The Doctor: Done.
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