Blue Ice (Chp. 1)

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So this is something I've been working on for a while. I have no idea if it's okay or not so far because I haven't shared it with anyone. Also, I guess it's not really a prologue so to speak, so I'm calling it Chapter 1. I had one in mind, but it was way too short. It does come to an abrupt stop at the end. So be very critical, and enjoy. More is to come if you want.


"Kate!" my best friend, Alexis called to me in my nightmare. I was on a plane getting ready to take off, my course set for somewhere far from my homeland, California. Alexis was in the way of the door closing, the attendants wouldn't let her onboard.

"Young lady," one of the attendants scolded her. "Just give it up. She's ours now!"

"No!" Lexi screamed.

Finally the attendant pried Lexi's fingers from the doorway and pushed her out. I could only watch in horror as she slammed the hatch shut. She turned to me and smiled evilly.

As the plane took off, I could still hear Lexi still screaming, "Kate, don't leave me! Kate! Kate!" And slowly but surely, her voice morphed into my mom's.

"Kate! Kate, you need to get up, hon!" she yelled from downstairs. I opened my eyes and sat up in my bed. For a second I couldn't remember where I was. And then I remembered, oh yeah, we moved to the country state. Yay.

So today was officially my first day of school in Tennessee. Central High School. Should be fun. I really wasn't looking forward to it, I imagined everyone here dressed alike. I was big on expressing myself and looking different. That was all the rage back in Cali...but this was a boring school in a teeny town in a hillbilly state.

I reluctantly got out of bed, contemplating whether I should just hide in my closet. Which was a lot smaller than my closet back in L.A. Why did we move here anyway?

I can tell you why. My mom, Amber Hilton, was a very famous supermodel. She was the most beautiful woman I knew. Both my older sisters had her looks and wanted to be models just like her. I was the runt...and I had a slightly different ambition. I had the looks to be a model, but I wanted to be a movie director instead. Don't ask me why, it just always seemed more interesting to me.

Anyway, my mom was tired of constantly living in the spotlight. So, what a great idea it was to drag us to the middle of nowhere! Now the paparazzi can't get you, Mom. My sisters were pissed. I told them that they shouldn't be the ones whining, they could get discovered anywhere. But I needed Hollywood! It was where all the movies got made! I should be around the real directors!

Yeah, so I wasn't happy about the move. Can you blame me? Besides my career choice, my best friend was left behind. Sad face. I already missed Alexis a lot. Her mom was also a model, and my mom's best friend. So Lexi and I had been best friends practically since we were born. We both cried our eyes out when my mom had said we were moving.

I got dressed in my normal clothes. Well, normal to me. I was a bit emo/punk/goth, whatever you'd call it. I call it scene, which is prettier than just your average black. In California, as long as you looked confident and strutted your stuff, people would buy it. I wasn't too worried about what the kids at the school would think.

I went downstairs for breakfast. My sisters were already sitting at the table, digging into their parfaits.

Now you may be thinking, what? Models don't eat. They starve themselves and become anorexic to look stick thin. Well my mom, the prettiest of models herself, had a secret. Her trick was that it was healthy to eat. If food was put in front of you, you ate it, no question. Food was a friend, not an enemy. You get the point. Basically if you ate healthy, you would look it, too.

My sisters, Scarlet and Sephora were identical twins with identical personalities. They were 17 years old, a year older than me. There was only one way to really tell them apart if you hadn't lived with them your whole life. Scarlet had a nose piercing and Sephora had a lip piercing. Presents for their sixteenth birthday, don't ask. But I could easily tell them apart. I don't know how, I just always knew which was which.

And look at me...I was stuck with the most common name in the world, Katherine. Thank god, no one ever called me that, except my mom when I was in trouble. In my family and in public, I was Kate or Katie. But I had piercings of my own...lower lip, tongue, eyebrow, and various spots on my ears. I thought the nose would feel weird. My hair was long and blonde, but with noticeable streaks of black here and there. Yeah, my mom supported my whole "express yourself" thing. That's why she was the coolest mom ever. Until, of course, she moved us here.

"Nice to see you're up, Kate," my mom ruffled my  hair. And messed it up.

"Moooom," I groaned at her and smoothed my hair back down. I looked over at Scarlet and Sephora, who were eying my outfit.

"You're wearing that today?" Scarlet asked skeptically.

"Um, yeah." I looked down at my clothes. I wasn't even that extreme today. Black skinny jeans, silver belt, purple high-top converse, purple and black striped hoodie, and my favorite "I watch Shane Dawson TV" tee shirt. "Why?" I asked, finding nothing wrong.

"Well, we don't know how the kids here dress yet," Sephora explained. Scarlet nodded in agreement. I noticed that they were wearing quite plain outfits today, nothing like the glam-hipster stuff they usually sported.

"I dress how I dress," I replied. "I don't care what they wear."

"Fair enough," Scarlet said.

Despite our differences in style, all of us looked the same, face wise. There was never really a dad in the picture, so I don't know what features I got from whoever he was. But my sisters and I each had our mom's long, voluminous blonde hair, sparkly blue eyes, and perfect skin. You could never find a tube of zit zapper in our house if you tried, we never needed it. Not that we were perfect or anything...but pretty damn close.

We finished our breakfasts, did one last check in the mirror (kind of a daily ritual, I guess), and went outside to catch the bus. The bus that was taking us down a road to a new world.
CiNeMa BiZaRrE <3




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Very good start! I like to real stories with this kind of style, and first person mostly. Just a few things:

"Kate!" my best friend, Alexis called to me in my nightmare. I was on a plane getting ready to take off, my course set for somewhere far from my homeland, California. Alexis was in the way of the door closing, the attendants wouldn't let her onboard.

"Young lady," one of the attendants scolded her. "Just give it up. She's ours now!"

"No!" Lexi screamed.

Finally the attendant pried Lexi's fingers from the doorway and pushed her out. I could only watch in horror as she slammed the hatch shut. She turned to me and smiled evilly.

As the plane took off, I could still hear Lexi still screaming, "Kate, don't leave me! Kate! Kate!" And slowly but surely, her voice morphed into my mom's.

"Kate! Kate, you need to get up, hon!" she yelled from downstairs. I opened my eyes and sat up in my bed. For a second I couldn't remember where I was. And then I remembered, oh yeah, we moved to the country state. Yay.

So today was officially my first day of school in Tennessee. Central High School. Should be fun. I really wasn't looking forward to it, I imagined everyone here dressed alike. I was big on expressing myself and looking different. That was all the rage back in Cali...but this was a boring school in a teeny town in a hillbilly state.

I reluctantly got out of bed, contemplating whether I should just hide in my closet, which was a lot smaller than my closet back in L.A. Why did we move here anyway?

I can tell you why. My mom, Amber Hilton, was a very famous supermodel. She was the most beautiful woman I knew. Both my older sisters had her looks and wanted to be models just like her. I was the runt...and I had a slightly different ambition. I had the looks to be a model, but I wanted to be a movie director instead. Don't ask me why, it just always seemed more interesting to me.

Anyway, my mom was tired of constantly living in the spotlight. So, she got this great idea it was to drag us to the middle of nowhere! Now the paparazzi can't get you, Mom. My sisters were pissed, but I told them that they shouldn't be the ones whining, they could get discovered anywhere. But I needed Hollywood! It was where all the movies got made! I should be around the real directors!

Yeah, so I wasn't happy about the move. Can you blame me? Besides my career choice, my best friend was left behind. Sad face. I already missed Alexis so much ("a lot" is just one of those "no-no" phrases). Her mom was also a model, and my mom's best friend, so Lexi and I had been best friends practically since we were born. We both cried our eyes out when my mom had said we were moving.

I got dressed in my normal clothes. Well, normal to me. I was a bit emo/punk/goth, whatever you'd call it. I call it "scene", which is prettier than just your average black. In California, as long as you looked confident and strutted your stuff, people would buy it. I wasn't too worried about what the kids at the school would think.

I went downstairs for breakfast. My sisters were already sitting at the table, digging into their parfaits.

Now you may be thinking, 'What? Models don't eat. They starve themselves and become anorexic to look stick thin.' Well my mom, the prettiest of models herself, had a secret. Her trick was that it was healthy to eat. If food was put in front of you, you ate it, no question. Food was a friend, not an enemy. You get the point. Basically if you ate healthy, you would look it, too.

My sisters, Scarlet and Sephora were identical twins with identical personalities. They were 17 years old, a year older than me. There was only one way to really tell them apart if you hadn't lived with them your whole life: Scarlet had a nose piercing and Sephora had a lip piercing. Presents for their sixteenth birthday, so don't ask. But I could easily tell them apart. I don't know how, I just always knew which was which.

And look at me...I was stuck with the most common name in the world, Katherine. Thank God, no one ever called me that, except my mom when I was in trouble. In my family and in public, I was Kate or Katie. But I had piercings of my own...lower lip, tongue, eyebrow, and various spots on my ears. I thought the nose would feel weird. My hair was long and blonde, but with noticeable streaks of black here and there. Yeah, my mom supported my whole "express yourself" thing. That's why she was the coolest mom ever. Until, of course, she moved us here.

"Nice to see you're up, Kate," my mom ruffled my hair, completely messing it up.

"Moooom," I groaned at her and smoothed my hair back down. I looked over at Scarlet and Sephora, who were eying my outfit.

"You're wearing that today?" Scarlet asked skeptically.

"Um, yeah." I looked down at my clothes. I wasn't even that extreme today. Black skinny jeans, silver belt, purple high-top converse, purple and black striped hoodie, and my favorite "I watch Shane Dawson TV" tee shirt. "Why?" I asked, finding nothing wrong.

"Well, we don't know how the kids here dress yet," Sephora explained. Scarlet nodded in agreement. I noticed that they were wearing quite plain outfits today, nothing like the glam-hipster stuff they usually sported.

"I dress how I dress," I replied. "I don't care what they wear."

"Fair enough," Scarlet said.

Despite our differences in style, all of us looked the same, face-wise. There was never really a dad in the picture, so I don't know what features I got from whoever he was. But my sisters and I each had our mom's long, voluminous blonde hair, sparkly blue eyes, and perfect skin. You could never find a tube of zit zapper in our house if you tried, because we never needed it. Not that we were perfect or anything...but pretty damn close.

We finished our breakfasts, did one last check in the mirror (kind of a daily ritual, I guess), and went outside to catch the bus. The bus that


Good story so far!
"If you ever have a problem don't say 'Hey God I have a big problem.' Rather 'Hey Problem... I have a big God and it's all going to be okay."




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Hello! :) I'm GenShawklan. So far, I think your story is off to a nice start. I only had two complaints:

1. The beginning - waking up from a dream - is a bit cliche. You should have a strong and unique beginning that draws your reader in and makes them want to keep reading. Many stories begin with the main character waking up, so I think it'd be best if you began a different way; perhaps your story could start out with her looking at photos from her mom's supermodel days. That would also establish her mother's career and start to hint at their reason for moving.

2. Most people find it hard to relate to characters who are/seem to be perfect, because no one is perfect. This makes your characters seem a little less real than they would if they were, say, librarians or something. The modeling thing is good - you should keep that - but make sure you make it obvious that they have lots of flaws. However, make sure you are SHOWING these flaws, not TELLING them.

Overall, you're off to a great start! :) Keep writing!
~GenShawklan
"Stop being defined by what people think of you." - Glee

"Dare to be different; if you blend in, no one will ever notice you. It's the unique ones they remember."

Please review one of my writings (preferably All I Know of Hate) and I'll return the favor! :)




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This was very interesting. More please (:




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Hiya :)

This is a good start to your story. You established the family life pretty well, but you could still go back and do more. Do the twins have any quirks you can show? Does the mom have any special way of talking, or does the main character have any other morning ritual besides just waking up and coming down to breakfast? Maybe she straightens her hair or plays some music to get her pumped up for the day.

You give the impression that this family is nearly perfect, so in the next few chapters or so you have to show us some counterexamples to show that yes, they do have flaws.

The way you opened this could be changed somehow; I didn’t really find the dream sequence very attention grabbing or memorable.

I’m excited to see what you have in store for the next chapter. Let me know when you have it posted!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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I was on a plane getting ready to take off, the course set for somewhere far from my homeland, California.


That was all the rage back in Cali, but this was a boring school in a teeny town in a hillbilly state so I expected everyone to be wearing over-alls and things like that.
The end part of the sentence (in purple) is something that should be added on. Not necessarily the way I wrote it, just the way that Kate thought everyone would be dressed is all I'm asking for.

I reluctantly got out of bed, contemplating whether I should just hide in my closet, which was a lot smaller than my closet back in L.A.


That was pretty good! Not as good as the other piece that you've written, but pretty good all the same! I hope you post more!

Keep writing!
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~



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So verily with the hardship, there is a relief, verily with the hardship, there is a relief.
— Quran Ch 94:5-6