Anorexia of the Soul

I bet you can hear a whisper,
Deep inside your mind.

It tells You are not good enough,
That you need to try harder,
Be prettier,
Have better style,
Be the first,
Be the best.

This whisper, it's ruining us,
Tearing girls from themselves.
Personalities dying out, becoming extinct.

We are becoming identical.
Moving as one insecure mob.
Not daring to be different,
We can't be, for it's wrong.

We strive to please others.
We aren't living for ourselves,
Starving ourselves emotionally,
With this anorexia or the soul.

And a good afternoon to you.

I liked the beginning. It was quite nefarious and at first I thought that oo this could lead to more then what I thought. Those two lines drove my mind quickly to conclusions. None of which were followed.


Thie next set of lines are ill fitting.
"It tells You are not good enough," Should probably read 'It tells you, you are not good enough' the singular You is like a stop sign. Not only is it capatlized,drawing attention, but it is not gramattically correct, so we have to stop from the flow of the poem (which you had quickly set up with the first two lines which i loved) to figure out how this is supposed to read.
The list of what needs to change should probably be a bit more poetic. A list can work under certain circumstances. But aesthetically the lines dont fit. "That you need to try harder, Be prettier,Have better style,Be the first,Be the best." Could probably be edited to have the lines match in length and to limit the jarring aspect of them.

Now I like the third set of lines. Again very fitting with the first two lines. It flows nefariously. "Personalities dying out, becoming extinct." I like this line, but it could be shortened and keep the same 'flow' to "Personalities becoming extinct"

The next set of lines are ok. "We can't be, for it's wrong." My only nitpick would for it's to be extended to it is.

All in all, though i appreciate the feminist movement, this isn't all that original of an idea for a poem. And my feminist in me states that yes, we should be the best we should be first. I see no reason why, because we are female, we should not have that expectation for ourselves.

But. There are the good parts. The first and third set of lines which I am in love with. This gives me hope. There is definate promise if you listen to whatever part of you pushed you to write those lines. I look forward to seeing this grow!

Keep on keepin on

Deirdre

First off, I love the subject of the piece. I am forever being called strange for being myself in school, and am getting tired of it. However, it could use a bit more detail in some parts. Like where everyone is moving in the "insecure mob," this could use more detail for the imagery of it. But otherwise it's great. And darling, I admire you for being one of the few girls out there who are not afraid to be you. Keep doin' what ya doin'!

One word remains in my mind after reading this. Beautiful. It's something that is real and every person can most likely relate to. Great job

Hey there!:)

I like your idea of 'Anorexia of the soul'. It's a good way to approach a hackneyed topic. There's also a lot of interpretations that can stem from it and I think you did a good job of choosing your concept. Anorexia being something that ruins our individuality. It has promise, for sure.

However, I think your execution can use more work. As many other reviewers on this site would say, there's too much telling and not much showing in this piece.

The only lines I can read from this that actually uses some imagery are the first two and then the last two lines. I think the particular stanza you should repackage is the 2nd one. It's cliche for one thing and second is that it does not create any images in the mind of the reader and there's so much potential in those lines to. Make the reader feel what it is to need to conform, be like everyone else.

The third and fourth have a spattering of imagery but I'm sure you can do much better. The whisper, how does it ruin you? What exactly does it do to your insides? How does it rip your soul apart? You just have to make this poem more vivid.

Anyway, keep writing and work on this. It's a great concept.

Good luck,
Knightly

This was a good piece but I wasn't exactly sure what kind of rythme you were going for, it didn't rhyme in the beginning and then suddenly it does. This was a very good poem though, it forces people to look at themselves and the world in a different perspective.
Keep writing
-Rayne