Rose Ch. 1

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It was pitch black; a suffocating thick darkness that overwhelmed you. There wasn’t a sound to be heard.
So this is what it must feel like when you’re dead, Kate thought. It’s terrifying not knowing anything but still having this intimate awareness of yourself. Like the fact that she knew she was running, hard. Not from something of that she was sure, instead she was the pursuer, the predator chasing its prey.
It sure would be nice to be able to see and hear, Kate thought wistfully to herself. Or did she think that? There wasn’t much time to contemplate the difference between the two, for as soon as she thought it, she instantly regretted it. Some unknown but greater being had heard her request and decided to grant it, but with a twist. The volume was instantly cranked up and the lights flicked on to reveal she was enveloped in a horrible nightmare.

There was only one way to describe this place. Hell. Fire and lava spewed everywhere with black rock honey-combed across it. The heat was unbearable and the smell of sulfur blasted Kate’s newly awakened senses, making her gag and eyes water, but still, she ran on, unable to stop.
She was greeted with the sight of mangled and decapacitated bodies of humans and nightmarish creatures that made Poe’s look like little boogey men that hid in little kids’ closets. They lay about covered in blood, yet some of them were still standing and moving adding more to the number of those lying on the ground dead. All around echoes the horrible cries of the dying and suffering; the guttural laughs of the creatures filling the air. The clash of steel and the tearing of flesh rang all around her. Kate’s horror swiftly changed to rage. How dare they hurt my people! If they so much as put a scratch on Sarai...Wait…..Sarai? Who were these people even? But her questions were quickly discarded from her head as her anger drove her ever onwards, leaping and jumping from rock to rock faster and faster. Kate’s mouth curled into a malicious smile. She was getting closer; that predatorial instinct told her she was close, and then, she saw her, the one she was chasing.
I have to kill her, Kate thought. If I kill her this will all be over…..wait, what? I’m not going to kill her! I do not kill!
Suddenly, she could feel something hanging heavy in her grasp. She looked down but quickly turned her head away from the sword that was hanging in her hand. It was covered in blood. To distract herself from throwing up, she studied the girl ahead of her. She seemed to be about Kate’s age, seventeen, with a slim but fit figure. Her chin length blonde hair was a stark contrast against the all black outfit of a t-shirt, khakis and biker boots. She too had a bloody sword in her hand. Then, for one second, the girl looked back at her, smirking.

Kate bolted upright, gasping for breath. The girl had been her! Well, she had the same face but the eyes had been a menacing black.
“It’s not real. It’s not real,” repeating it over and over, holding her face in her hands, trying to calm herself down. She was so sick and tired of this! For the past week she’d been having the same nightmare and every time it would hit her as freshly as the first night. In the beginning she had blamed it on watching “Underworld.” A horror movie about vampires and all the nightmarish creatures the world has come up with, deep within the pits of Hell except it hadn’t been fiery. It had been a frozen, grey wasteland and the creatures hadn’t looked anything at all like then one’s she’d seen in her nightmare and there hadn’t been a girl either. But unfortunately the nightmares had continued and she would wake up just as tired and exhausted as when she first fell asleep. Kate tried to go back to bed but her mind was so shocked and horrified by the images that it kept repeating in her head over and over again. Eventually, she had decided to just not go to sleep at all, but that was fighting a losing battle. Her body and mind were so drained and she was so exhausted, that for one second she was closing her eyes, and the next she soundly asleep. Kate’s biggest fear and secret yearning was that she would go to sleep one night and just never wake up, that her mind would just give up and put her in a coma. The obvious thing to do was to tell her parents but something kept holding her back every time she tried to tell them, some instinct told her not to and so she kept her parent in the dark.
She didn’t understand it, this reluctance. Kate had always loved and trusted her parents, she told them almost everything. So why the hesitation? I don’t know, she thought flopping against her pillows. Glancing at the clock on her bed stand she found it was only six; she still had an hour before she had to get ready for school. Might as well get dressed and go early, she thought stretching her muscles as she stood up. Nothing better to do.
Blinking at the sudden light when she turned her lamp on, she stumbled towards the closet grabbing a pair of jeans, red tank, and a sweatshirt. Pulling her long brown hair into a pony tail, Kate grimaced as she caught a look at herself in the mirror. She looked like crap, and to be honest she felt like crap. The dark circles underneath her blood-shot grey eyes stuck out like a sore thumb against her pale face. Kate grabbed the cover up and dabbed it on ‘til she deemed it hidden well enough, but unfortunately there was nothing she could do for the eyes. Not entirely satisfied with her disguise but feeling like there’s nothing else she could do, she grabbed her lunch from the kitchen and headed out the door.

Kate knew the school wasn’t going to be full this early but she at least expected a few teachers and some cars here, not this complete emptiness. The old stone buildings were dark inside, the halls and parking lots completely deserted. Weird, Kate thought as she headed towards her usual spot.

The sophomore and junior buildings were connected by a hallway and enclosed between those structures was a giant oak tree. The oak was her friends’ and her meeting place, they loved that old tree. It was ginormous and reminded them of the “Whomping Willow” from Harry Potter. It was so tall, it was twice the height of the buildings but its branches were only allowed to extend to the walls. Kate’s friends had nicknamed it “Ol’ Faithful”; it emanated old age and for some reason she had always gotten a feeling of security around it. Maybe because it had seen and been through so much yet it was still standing here, intact. She sat down, leaning against, taking warmth in its solidarity, the nightmare fast disappearing from her mind. Kate looked down at her watch and groaned. It was only five-ten! Well that explains a lot, she thought angrily. Stupid daylight savings time, I had totally forgotten about it.
Her watch automatically resets itself but she has to manually reset her clock. Sighing, she rested her head against the tree, closing her eyes. Mmm…maybe I’ll just rest here for a bit, Kate thought groggily as a yawn escaped. “Just for a bit little bit…” she mumbled drifting off.

She was standing in the middle of a plain. On either side in the far distance were a line of trees, in the front and back of her the plain stretched on seemingly unbroken. The sky was an endless sea of blue dotted with little white puffs of clouds. A gentle breeze flirted with her hair and tugged on her white dress. In the distance thunder sounded coming ever closer and closer, but it wasn’t thunder, it was the sound of thousands of hooves of horses pounding the earth as they galloped towards her. A grin spread across her face as she saw the sea of horses. Before they could trample her, she grabbed onto the neck of the horse in front and swung herself up on its back, a beautiful, majestic, black mare as wild as the sea. The herd was her herd; the horse she was riding was the leader, and one of her best friends. On either side were two other riders and a pure white horse as majestic and beautiful as her sister and serene as she was wild. The rider on her left was a teenager girl with long black hair curled into ringlets. She had beautiful mocha colored skin and eyes as warm as melted chocolate yet sparkled with mischief. The girl laughed gaily and she couldn’t help by smile back. The rider on her left was a beautiful teenage boy whose skin was tan from the sun. His hair was brown with light brown highlights glinting in the sun and his hazel eyes looked more golden that anything. He caught her looking at him and smiled at her tenderly.

“Kate? Kate are you okay?” a voice broke in her dreams abruptly. Kate frowned. She wasn’t done with her yet. She wanted to continue to feel the wind blowing through her hair and the rush of the speed of the horse underneath her.

“Kate you gotta wake up,” the disembodied voice pleaded with her.

“Go away,” she mumbled, irritated at the voice for disturbing her pleasant dream. The voice chuckled, a very familiar chuckle. Kate opened her grey eyes to find a pair of blue ones looking back.
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Hola, AllyGrLxOx here for a review! :D
This was very intriguing piece!

So let's being the review,


Not from something of that she was sure, instead she was the pursuer, the predator chasing its prey.


This was written slightly confusing, I'd recommend rewording it such as: "Not from something, that she was sure, instead she was the pursuer. The predator chasing it's prey."

and then maybe add some more detail about a predator chasing its prey. Also remember to put all of Kate's thoughts in italics. There were some places where I was unclear whether or not it was her thoughts or not.
I'd also suggest bettering the layout of your line spacing and paragraphs!

You had a great flow but doing that can help even more! :)

Also watch your usage of the semicolon, if this is something you're writing on Microsoft Word then Word will probably tell you to add more! More! More!
Well just follow your writers instinct as to whether or not you truly need them!

A gentle breeze flirted with her hair and tugged on her white dress.


Great details!

The herd was her herd; the horse she was riding was the leader, and one of her best friends.


I don't like that...I don't think that it flows nicely, maybe some editing there, or draw out some more details here?

Overall great job!
This was an enjoyable read, and you definitely have a plot heading in the correct direction!
Remember to work on some more character development though! :D

Any questions? Feel free to PM me(:
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Hello darling,

I am a noob to this site, here is my review of your story.

Are you using an omniscient view when you write this? It's very interesting.
I love your use of imagry explainging the we the plains looked, very artisitc.
We should compare note too, you happen to have a story exactly like mine, only a whole differnt story. My character's name is kate also, and she is also about the same age. It also takes place near a highschool. lol
cant wait to see what else happens.
I want to see more imagry!!!!
to be continued.....




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Never mind, i take back the part of my other review where i said i didn't know how your mc woke up. =)
One thing i would change is the first sentence. Don't use the word "you" to describe how the mc feels, because the reader isn't actually going through what Kate is. Also, Kate's thoughts are a little confusing to me, so i would clarify those.
again, pm if you want more detail!
-Tori =D
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On



A person is more than their experiences, stacked up like stones... Our best moments are the foundations we use to reach for the sky.
— Yumi and the Nightmare Painter by Brandon Sanderson