The Stargazer {part 2 }

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I tried to slow stuff down a bit. lots more thoughts and environment. this is just the 1 ch. so please tell me what you think!




One:



Jeremy and Aniline were outside the gate. “Are you sure about this?” he asked her, stroking her hair.
“yes.” Her heart was shuddering inside her chest, making her feel shaky and disoriented.
“Ok then.”
Anyone looking out the palace windows would have saw a young dark haired girl and a dark haired boy walking off the palace grounds. But nobody did, Except him.
The two ran through the small wood that surrounded the castle, as fast as they could incase of pursuers.
Aniline’s cloak flapped in the wind. Jeremy looked at her, the gorgeous one, he thought. She looked at him, his curls bouncing on her forehead, small beads of sweat collecting on his brow. I love him! I love him! Alleluia!
They stopped when they reached a road. It was well-traveled and narrow, with ruts and potholes. Moon dust hovered in clouds above the boulevard, to where the details of the road were unrecognizable.
“We need to change,” said Jeremy pulling her back into the woodland. He handed her a blue button up, a white camisole, faded ice blue jeans and a silver flower headband. She went behind a tree, stripping off her palace clothes and yanking the civilian clothes over her head. She felt alien to herself; As if she were to look in a mirror right now, she would not know who she was. “Now you look like a teen, not a princess,” he said kissing her lightly.
She frowned “you don’t have to sound surprised”
“I know” he kissed her again, making her heart flutter with a thousand butterflies.
Walking hand and hand beside the road, they talked quietly. “Tell me about what you’ve been doing” Aniline urged bumping him with her shoulder. He slowly shook his head “why?”
“It’s not fit for girls ears.” She rolled her eyes and elbowed him, “your mean”
“maybe.” He suddenly pulled her close, spinning her around; lifting her into the air, as it began to rain. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and kissed her, little kisses; long kisses and then as thunder shook the moon, one long drawn out kiss that seemed to the two to last forever.
If I should die, I should go remembering this moment. And the love I felt as I kissed the man. Aniline thought
If I get her killed, let damnation and the devil be waiting for me when I go, Jeremy thought as his hands went up and down her back, soothing the wounds that she had been nursing since he left.

~
“It’s so wet,” she complained as she picked at the mix of fruit and broiled roots he had cooked up over a fire.
“Maybe, but its wholesome.” She rolled her eyes and scooped another spoonful into her mouth. Wholesome? Wholesome?! This stuff is disgusting! Aniline thought bitterly, raking her fork across the plate.
“Come here,” he ordered, and she stood up coming to him; where he sat on the wet ground splitting wood. “I want you to listen and listen carefully” he took a breath and whispered in her ear “you can go back, pretend you never saw me; but you can’t tell a soul you saw me.” He looked into those serious dark eyes and felt the love he had for her well up inside him, threatening to swallow him up, leaving him lifeless in its stomach. “I won’t leave you.” She kissed him as the fire leapt into the air.

That night, snuggled in her warmest pajamas, Jeremy’s arms reaching around her, Aniline’s thoughts wandered, memories surfaced; ones she didn’t even know she had.

A lifeless form. Crying, a dark figure hovering over the figure. A ghost of an evil spirit, wafting through the cold room, trying to touch the mourners. Nobody else noticed it; everyone was bent over the figure, sobbing, splayed across the unmoving chest. But she saw it. Screaming the little girl pointed above the alabaster unflinching face. “Help!” she screamed “Help!” her mother, face as hard as stone flinging her from the room, telling her to calm down and shut up. The girl scurrying down the hall to a window, to see the dark phantom leaving with the night.

Aniline shook with tears, her heart throbbing with forgotten pain. That lifeless form had been her father. That specter had been a minion of the devil. But why? She thought through the pain. But why? Tossing and turning she fell into a fitful sleep.

They spent hours walking along the wet road, sometimes in the wood and sometimes in the open. His arm was constantly around her shoulders; warm and comforting. He still loves me! she thought; feeling so happy she could jump for joy, He still loves me!
His mind was filled not just with love for her but also doubt. I shouldn’t have asked her to come. If she finds out what I was doing all this time she will never, NEVER speak to me again.


Three:

“Wake up” the whisper came through the darkness, the voice cracked and damaged “wake up little darlings” Aniline, rolled over, coming from a dream of her and Jeremy living in a castle of ice.
“Who’s there?” she murmured stretching up and rolling onto Jeremy, who was wrapped tight in his sleeping bag, snoring. “Hmm?” Jeremy groaned as pulling her close “hi baby” he started to kiss her, his sour morning breath blowing onto her face. The voice came again; raspy “are you awake?”
Jeremy sat up, his eyes suddenly awake and alert. The darkness seemed to glow blacker as he slowly stood up; his black hair tousled with sleep. “You said you wouldn’t come looking again.” he yelled at the black shape, which came closer, into the lantern light. And then Aniline screamed.
The woman had grey hair caked with dirt, grease and an odd twig. It hung in straggles down her back, dragging through the ground behind her. Her dress (what was left of it) was once black but had been stained with red and brown spots. The sun had browned her knurly hands and feet, but her face was deathly pale. Aniline for the second time in forty-eight hours felt her powers draining away. Oh no, not another ‘sun’ minion oh, please not another one! She collapsed on the pile of her and Jeremy’s sleeping bags, her head knocking against a rock.

Jeremy felt his hands ball into fists. “Leave! I did what you and your hateful master asked, you branded me. What more do you want?” he bent down stroking Aniline’s face, “so you went back to her did you?” the woman’s voice went down to a low purr. “Leave” Jeremy’s heart beat faster, fearing Aniline waking up and seeing these to talking. I must get her to leave! If Aniline finds out… His brain screamed repeatedly, giving him a migraine. The woman turned, and then stopped “you’ll regret keeping secrets from her…” then in a puff of dust, she disappeared.
~
Aniline awoke with a pounding headache, her vision swimming. Strong arms held her, and a warm hand was spooning something into her mouth. “Jeremy” she said groggily, trying to sit up then falling back.
“Shhh” Jeremy’s voice came through the void that surrounded her.
“What happened?”
“Nothing much, a Sybil came and threatened-” he cut short and stood up, walking to the fire Aniline could barely see.
Aniline felt her heart sigh. When Jeremy got depressed, angry or annoyed he acted distant and cold. He wouldn’t finish sentences and would walk away when they were talking to each other. He obliviously blamed himself for not protecting Aniline and saving her from this half-conscious state. “It’s not your fault,” Aniline burst out, sitting up, her head spinning from the strain.
“What?” his voice sounded cold, and angry.
“Nothing. Never mind”

Jeremy watched Aniline collapse back on their sleeping bags he had stacked underneath her to cushion her head. She looked like an angel, but then she always had. His mind spun from the memories that he had pushed away, determined never to think of them.
He had stood there in that courtyard before. But, the first time had been an accident. He meant to be here this time. The flagstone was orange and red. The gate when touched burning hot. Yet here he was. “Your late” a voice rasped “one is never late, the others are simply early.” Was his smart-mouth reply, “you have spunk, I like that…” the voice said thoughtfully. “ Come here” he stepped forward towards the voice, hovering above a red stone bench. “Closer… Closer…” ‘One more step’ he urged himself coming closer. He felt the heat radiating off the presence. His mind screamed for him to move, but his legs didn’t seem to be working. As he found the power within him to move a hot pain seared his neck. “There” the voice screamed. “Remember this deed always, for the mark of the sun is branded on your neck forever!” and he was back, standing at the gate of Aniline’s palace, having left the sun and come to the moon.

Four:
Aniline felt better, she could see, though what ever had come that night had given her nightmares. Horrible ones. Jeremy wasn’t as distant, though sometimes Aniline caught him staring out at the horizon, his brow furrowed in concern. Once Aniline could walk, they decided to move camp to a cave Jeremy said was near. That morning Aniline stood beside him, her fingers laced through his and felt her heart well up in her throat. She forced it down with a cough, wishing she could run away and never look back.

Jeremy had his eyes sat on her lips. He hadn’t kissed her since she fell, feeling that he couldn’t after the thing he had done to her. The longing inside him was so great it threatened to swallow him whole. He felt as if he was on the edge of a large pit and one kiss would force him into to it. Love is painful he thought, turning away form her, away from temptation.

Aniline sighed as the walked through the rock country. Jeremy stopped often to make sure she was still ok, but it wasn’t enough.
She knew better than anyone that when Jeremy felt that something had happened and it was his fault he became a different person, completely not himself. It passed in time she knew as well, but until then he was a moody *bite your head off* kind of person. Aniline looked out along the rocky ridge they were climbing and felt her heart stop. She halted, pulling Jeremy, who had been holding her hand to a stop too. “Jeremy!”
He turned “what” then his eyes got wide and his mouth fell open. Sitting there among the rocks was a giant!
~
“h- hello” Aniline said shakily, her hand shuddering in Jeremy’s.
“Aloha” The giant nodded pleasantly and continued eating the stag he had spread in his lap.
“Who are you?” Jeremy said harshly, stepping closer to the beast.
“Hander, who are you?” the giant answered cordially
“Aniline Grace and Jeremy Starr” Aniline smiled kindly at the giant and waved up at him.
“The Aniline Grace?” the giant’s mouth gaped open, Pieces of half-chewed stag falling to the ground like rain.
Aniline nodded, dodging a piece of leg-meat that hurtled down to the rocks below.
“Well, I suppose I’ll let you pass then.” He said standing to his feet and turning to pick up his kill-bag.
“Thank you kind sir”
“Your welcome”
Aniline waved as the gentle giant walked from the mouth of a cave, leaving it uninhabited.
~
“Nice,” commented Jeremy, nodding his head approvingly as they entered the ingress of the cave.
“I do what I can.”
Jeremy did a one-sixty and reached Aniline just as she was about to fall. He caught her and leaned her against the cave wall.
She must have been exhausted by talking to that giant he thought looking down at her, so perfect, so un-flawed.
Her lips were parted and her black hair flowed around her face. He bent down, the lure to great, to brush her lips with his.

Aniline woke up to find Jeremy kissing her in her sleep. She let her lips latch onto his and let all the emotion she had bottled up inside her all day flow from her, the only thing that mattered was Jeremy, his lips, his arms and him.
~
“Do you like me?” the question came from the darkness, her words muffled by the blackness
“Rivers”
“Love me?”
“Oceans”
He rolled over, dragging his sleeping bag behind him, to where she was sleeping in the corner of the cave. His lips fumbled around until they found hers, pressing against her sleepy lips, one last time.


END OF PART 2
STAY TUNED FOR PART 3:
THE SECRET, THE CASTLE AND THE RETURN.
Last edited by LadySpark on Tue Dec 21, 2010 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




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Hey Pointe!

Here as requested! But next time, I would prefer if you would post on my WRFF thread (link in my signature) and post the link also; easier for me to track. Thanks!

Now, on to the nitpicks!

yes.” Her heart was shuddering inside her chest, making her feel shaky and disoriented.
Should be capitalised.

But nobody did, Except him.
Was it supposed to be a period instead of a comma? IF not, Except should be lower case.

She looked at him, his curls bouncing on her forehead, small beads of sweat collecting on his brow. I love him! I love him! Alleluia!
haha, did you mean 'his'? ;)

She frowned (period) “(capitalised)you don’t have to sound surprised”


“I know (period)” he kissed her again, making her heart flutter with a thousand butterflies


“Tell me about what you’ve been doing” Aniline urged(comma) bumping him with her shoulder. (cut)He slowly shook his head “why?”
I mean, cut into a new line because a different person is talking.

“It’s not fit for girls ears.”(cut) She rolled her eyes and elbowed him, “your mean”
You're. (capitalised, also)

[quote]“maybe.” He suddenly pulled her close, spinning her around; lifting her into the air, as it began to rain[/quote] Maybe. Every single start of sentence needs to be capitalised.

Also, I wanted to mention that your descriptions are a lot better in this one. I'm giving you an example here of how to help it more; As it began to rain. You might have mentioned before that there were rain clouds, or the air felt hot and heavy. That would have helped create a mood. :D

If I should die, I should go remembering this moment. And the love I felt as I kissed the man. Aniline thought
comma, not period.

And reader he is absolutely right.
I would cut this last part. We already got the idea it would be dreadful. If you go and tell us, it really pulls us out of the story and into reality. You don't want to do that. You want your reader to flip the next page, and the next one. Not have them pull out and go, Huh. Well. That's good. Now, I have other stuff to do, I'll come back later.

Well, Pointe, this was much better than the last chapter. I loved how your described the moon-kissed road. You should work more on descriptions, much like I pointed out. Think of yourself in reality. You'd go out and notice it's a dark, dreary day; the rain clouds are covering the sun. Or the sun is too bright and we're going to die of a heat stroke. Or so on.

But this is headed in a good direction, can't wait to read more.

Thanks for inviting me into your world!

Tanya :D




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Hey point. :)

I'm not sure how helpful this review's going to be because I'm in a bit of a rush, so I'm sorry if this is a little short and unhelpful. I'll hopefully be able to give you some advice though!

I have to agree with Tanya and say that I think this part is better than the part I reviewed before. You have some really nice descriptions here and I feel like I can follow the storyline better in this part. I think that descriptions may be your strong point, so I'd suggest maybe adding in some more. Obviously, it's up to you, but I think that it would be a good thing to do.

You still have some grammatical errors, but I won't bother nit-picking them all. To be honest, when it comes to grammar, the best way to improve it is by simply practising it. One of the main issues I found here was that you often misuse commas. Commas are probably the hardest thing to get the hang of, so try not to stress yourself about them. You have quite a few run on sentences, so what I'd suggest is that you take out some of the commas in this and replace them with periods.

And reader he is absolutely right


I'm not too keen on this either. To me, it felt a little disjointed from the rest of the piece. Like Tanya said, I'd suggest cutting it out. In the end, it's your story, so it's up to you what you do, but I myself would suggest for you to take this part out. The part before this would have been a great way to end the chapter.

Other than that, I don't think there's really anything major to mention here. Nothing that I haven't mentioned in the review before this anyway. Although your storyline is easier to follow now, I do still think that you need to slow things down a bit. I think that by adding in some more descriptions, you'd do this anyway. Overall though, this is pretty good, so far. :)

Sorry I haven't been much help!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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pointe2drama wrote:Jeremy and Aniline were outside the gate. “Are you sure about this?” he asked her, stroking her hair.
Yes.” Her heart was shuddering inside her chest, making her feel shaky and disoriented.
“Ok then.”I don't think you need his response. It kind of deflates the tension you started with.
Anyone looking out the palace windows would have saw seena young dark haired girl and a dark haired boy walking off the palace grounds. But nobody did, Except him.
The two ran through the small wood that surrounded the castle, as fast as they could inspacecase of pursuers.
Aniline’s cloak flapped in the wind. Jeremy looked at her, the gorgeous one, he thought. She looked at him, his curls bouncing on her forehead, small beads of sweat collecting on his brow. I love him! I love him! Alleluia!
They stopped when they reached a road. It was well-traveled and narrow, with ruts and potholes. Try something like “They stopped when they reached a narrow road that was rutted with potholes from constant use. Moon dust hovered in clouds above the boulevard, to where the details of the road were unrecognizable.
“We need to change,” said Jeremycomma pulling her back into the woodland. He handed her a blue button up, a white camisole, faded ice blue jeans and a silver flower headband. She went behind a tree, stripping off her palace clothes and yanking the civilian clothes over her head. Maybe you could describe what she took off. What does royalty wear in your world? She felt alien to herself; As if she were to look in a mirror right now, she would not know who she was. This sentence sounds funny. Maybe you meant something like “She felt alien to herself; if she was to look into a mirror right now, she would not know who she was.”“Now you look like a teen, not a princess,” he said kissing her lightly.
She frowned “you don’t have to sound surprised”
“I know” he kissed her again, making her heart flutter with a thousand butterflies.
Walking hand and hand beside the road, they talked quietly. “Tell me about what you’ve been doing” Aniline urged bumping him with her shoulder. He slowly shook his head “why?”
“It’s not fit for girls ears.” who's talking here?She rolled her eyes and elbowed him, “your mean”you're
“maybe.” He suddenly pulled her close, spinning her around; lifting her into the air, as it began to rain. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and kissed her, little kisses; long kisses and then as thunder shook the moon, one long drawn out kiss that seemed to the two to last forever.
I’m not too sure about the punctuation here, but it seems a little off.
“Maybe,” he smirked, pulling her close. He began to spin her around and lift her high into the air as it began to rain. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he kissed her; little kisses, then long. Then as the thunder shook the moon, kisses he drew out until they seemed to last forever.
I really loved the ‘thunder shook the moon’ part! :D


If I should die, I should go remembering this moment. And the love I felt as I kissed the man. Aniline thought
If I should die, thought Aniline, I should go remembering this moment, and the love I feel for this man.
If I get her killed, let damnation and the devil be waiting for me when I go, Jeremy thought as his hands went up and down her back, soothing the wounds that she had been nursing since he left.

~
“It’s so wet,” she complained as she picked at the mix of fruit and broiled roots he had cooked up over a fire. Make sure you say ‘Analine complained’, because this is after a break and we’re not sure who is talking.
“Maybe, but its wholesome.” She rolled her eyes and scooped another spoonful into her mouth. Wholesome? Wholesome?! This stuff is disgusting! Aniline thought bitterly, raking her fork across the plate.
“Come here,” he ordered, and she stood up coming to him; where he sat on the wet ground splitting wood. Find a way to rephrase this sentence. It just doesn’t sound right“I want you to listen and listen carefully” he took a breath and whispered in her ear “you can go back, pretend you never saw me; but you can’t tell a soul you saw me.” He looked into those serious dark eyes and felt the love he had for her well up inside him, threatening to swallow him up, leaving him lifeless in its stomach. “I won’t leave you.” She kissed him as the fire leapt into the air.
This conversation seems too short. Maybe you can include a little more of what’s going on in their dialogue, because I still don’t know why they are running away.

That night, snuggled in her warmest pajamas, Jeremy’s arms reaching around her, Aniline’s thoughts wandered, memories surfaced; ones she didn’t even know she had.
Here’s another sentence you should take a look at.
That night, as they snuggled into their warmest pajamas, Aniline’s thoughts wandered.



A lifeless form. Crying, a dark figure hovering over the figure. A ghost of an evil spirit, wafting through the cold room, trying to touch the mourners. Nobody else noticed it; everyone was bent over the figure, sobbing, splayed across the unmoving chest. But she saw it. Screaming commathe little girl pointed above the alabaster unflinching face. “Help!” she screamed “Help!” her mother, face as hard as stone flinging her from the room, telling her to calm down and shut up. The girl scurrying down the hall to a window, to see the dark phantom leaving with the night.You change a lot of this into present tense. Be sure to read over this and change it back into past; from what I understand she is remembering this, right?

Aniline shook with tears, her heart throbbing with forgotten pain. That lifeless form had been her father. That specter had been a minion of the devil. But why? She thought through the pain. But why? Tossing and turning she fell into a fitful sleep.

They spent hours walking along the wet road, sometimes in the wood and sometimes in the open. His arm was constantly around her shoulders; warm and comforting. He still loves me! she thought; feeling so happy she could jump for joy, He still loves me!
His mind was filled not just with love for her but also doubt. I shouldn’t have asked her to come. If she finds out what I was doing all this time she will never, NEVER speak to me again.

And reader he is absolutely right.

Return to this submission for more soon,
Spoiler
I am spending all my points on this so please ask me for a review.


I really liked this! You created a lot of great images with the kissing in the rain and the campfire flames that I enjoyed.

The characters seem like they both have some interesting stories behind them. I hope you’re planning on expanding on that soon, and give them each their own personalities, not just the couple that’s in love. I was intrigued by the end, when we got that inside information on Jeremy’s character, how he’s struggling internally knowing that he’s done something terrible, something that Aniline will never forgive him for. Great suspense there! I Can’t wait to read more.

It can be a little confusing when you’re switching back and forth from Aniline’s and Jeremy’s thoughts. It seems like as soon as you start opening up about one character, you switch it to the other, and don’t spend a whole lot of time lingering on either. It’s not really that big of an issue, just something to think about.

Lastly, I’m not the best at grammar, but I encourage you to start a new paragraph whenever a different person speaks. Also, try looking up ways to use a semicolon properly. You used a lot of them when I thought they could have been switched to commas.

Hope you found this useful! Let me know when the next chapter’s up :)


~blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Hey point!

I'm here to review the rest of this for you! Can I suggest something though first? For people who may be following this novel, because you posted the rest of it inot the same thread, they may not know you've added anything to it unless you tell them personall that you have. If I were you, I'd maybe make a new post just for Part Three onwards! It's up to you, but that's what I would suggest. ;)

Thinikng about it, it may be because you don't have any points to make a new post. If that is the case, just try and do one or two reviews! They should only take you a short while. Review the first two parts of the novel I'm currently writing or something, if you want. If not, there's plenty of great pieces aroudn the site that could do with some reviews. You don't have to make amazing reviews or anything, just some that give out a little bit of help.

Okay, my main critique for you this time is to do with pacing. Basically, I'd like for you to slow down some things. This kind of comes back to one of the critiques in my review on part one. You seem to be skipping scenes a lot. It's kind of like just as we're about to grasp what you're saying, or grasp onto a situation, you skip to the next one. You need to make sure that you don't hurry along with thigns too quickly.

What I'd siggest is that you'd lengthen things up a bit. For example, start off with a situation and really describe what it is and how it happens. You have to make sure that you describe something in enough detail, so that us readers can feel more conected to your characters and also the story itself. Don't feel as though you have to rush through anything, or get to the next point in the story quickly. You have all of the time in the world, remember!

The only other critique I have for you is that in this part especially, you have a tendency to tell instead of show. It's not a huge problem, and I think it may be partly related to the pacing thing I just mentioned. Due to a rather fast pace, you don't really have the time to show, only tell. Here's an example of what I mean:

When Jeremy got depressed, angry or annoyed he acted distant and cold. He wouldn’t finish sentences and would walk away when they were talking to each other. He obliviously blamed himself for not protecting Aniline and saving her from this half-conscious state.


You didn't need to tell us this. We could kind of grasp onto the fact that this was how he behaved when he was in this mood because, well, that's what he did! It's sentences like this that tell and don't show. Do you see what I mean? Don't tell us what your character does when he's in a certain mood, show us. Show us him not finishing sentences, walking away, mumbing to himself or whatever.

I don't think I have anything else to add that I haven't mentioned already. Sorry I haven't been too much help!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hey there Pointe,

Sorry for the delay, but I am here now!

First off, I completely agree with absolutely everything Skins said. I came here a few days back and thought you'd posted the wrong link and didn't have time to look for it so I clicked off. Please don't put your chapters in the same thread. You have over 2000 points; it's more than enough for new threads.

Second, I agree with pacing but I also find your characters are very 2D: they have no personalities. They have no strengths or weaknesses, except for the fact that they are silly in love. But they go from a conversation to moody in a heartbeat. Your dialogue is difficult to follow and your scenes jump from one to another.

Please, slow down. Like Skins said, create scenes with much more description. Go overboard if you must, and then cut down what's unnecessary. Sit down with a notepad, close your eyes and clear your mind. Then open them and jot down everything you see.

Then, when you're writing, keep this in mind. Why? Because your characters are also surrounded by elements, like you are. Even if we don't notice them all the time, once in a while, something will catch our eye. Makes sense? It should. Like characters are alive, Pointe. At least, they should be in your mind. DO you know anyone who goes through life like they do?

Hope this helped.
Tanya :D



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare