Spire Amore - Pride Before Fall

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Wrote this in an attempt to do more prose style poem. Gal kinda inspired me to try. I think it went better than I first thought it would.

************

Surreal sketches built upon by ancient races, who touched the eye of us all
climbs so high we never fear, to fall, to weep, to finger the clouds and watch
them release, drip of lust from nubleus sex, from high up in Babel we came
laughed at the Gods, cried to the cosmos, felt the feathers from Icarus
wings; fall of youthful ambition and pride, soaring to ground in kamikaze stroke.

As the liquid metal merges with the breeze, and the sudden sensation,
of communication, fondles the ears, it grips the cortex, and coordinates
our digits, as they reach for the Temple up high. Slaves to the waters,
to heavens, to us all, begged on by the nature we share. Given life by
our crime, like Bonny and Clyde we shall die... but not for now the
entity whispers as it commands the tango to go on.

Walls scaled, ladders thrown, catapult set, with the naked love melting
through the fire, the hot coals scorching his neck. It's then it's breached
and all torn down, the army marches in bloodied and hurt; a rallying cry
rings through the field, the standards lain torn and trodden with message
of growing freedom.

We reach the edge our rags now torn, we reach the edge, worn scribes
talk of the exploits, lusters of life, lovers of depth, we scream torrid
wild screams. Beasts from within send us forth, an act of utter defiance
to the deities of old. The tower phallic and peircing the womb of Gaia.

Storms deep in the night, soaked by elicted gasps, the sweet saline ocean,
goes with our growing desire, to free from it all, I'm your Knight in shining
amore, the tongues of fire heat your hearth, my own sword unsheathed.
The Powers that Be, see this attack on their authority, on their laws and
guidance, not as the heaven gates to our drifting heart.

Electrity runs through my lips, as we finally end this dance.

Finally the desire, goes intense,
the fire burns, it begins to speed
through currents we go and feeling
grow, moans build.

In prayer of mind and body,
giving ourselves to the most sacred
emotions, the rocking tempest,
deaf to our state, civilization
collapsing between our war
on generic morality.

The sky darkened to a endless night, as flames of fire fall,
lightning rages over the spire, rains falls for days and nights
the tower piercing the opening of the night. Day turns to
night and night to day and while the city ruins end up
in Atlantien depths two figures and in the act of the
ultimate cost.

Lost in the eyes of the soul,
struggling to escape the trance
as acts of love send salty rain
from the bodies, breathing,
groaning, begging for the
sun to shine.

Eager fingers dance on the back,
like creepy crawlies they continue
to go, scratching the flesh. With
spiders weaving a web between
our two sacred sex, a union and
act of a finger to God.

The web sticky and wet.

Precise designs on the flesh,
symbols of ying or yang,
eruption from deep centre
volcanic pleasure.

Heart beat touches on the danger line, monitor the survival,
monitor our life. The tower now in flames as finally Babel
insult has been noted.

Down goes the tower, in flame and strife, a lover kiss
and final embrace, as the fire eternally devours.

A bright icon, engulfed in embers;
in a everlasing kiss they both kneel,
frozen forever in gold.
You poor take courage
You rich take care
This earth was made a common treasury
For everyone to share
All things in common
All people one
We come in peace
The orders came to cut them down

Billy Bragg - The World Turned Upside Down




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i love how you wrote the fire imagery, you kept the rythym really well but the first two or three paragraphes went off the point a bit. Still, all in all it was awsome.
Have you gotten any of these published in newspapers?
[color=#400080]Go Brazil!!!! Soccer is awsome. Does anyone know why Italian players always start crying when they're kicked?[/color]




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LastPaladin,

What can I say, but WOW! I will never mis-use the words "richness" and "depth" again after reading this, because this, my friend, was rich and deep! To be honest, I usually don't like reading long poems, but this was totally worth every minute reading. It was so rich and so grand, and you showed off your awe-inspiring vocabulary well. If anything, this isn't something to dip into, but to dive into.

Tweaking up, again, there isn't much, but try and watch your grammar next time! :) Amour is spelt like that instead of "amore". And my corrections are in red:

LastPaladin wrote:The sky darkened to an endless night, as flames of fire fall,
lightning rages over the spire, rains falls for days and nights Try "rain falls" or "rains fall"


But they were only very tiny things! The imagery (must I say) was incredibly wondrous. I love the golden quality pictures it painted in my mind, making me want to explore it further. And my desire to keep reading only grew. And, this will sound weird, but you ended it at the right time I felt. It ended when it was supposed to end, it wasn't dragged further, neither did it deepness become shallow. Written to perfection! Getting your work published is something I'd be looking to if I were you...

I stand and applaud to you in praise and admiration for this! haha. Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf




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Hey, Pally! I'm here to review. ^.^

Firstly, you imagery was pretty nice. Imagery is pretty important when it comes to poetry, right? I mean, that's what I've been told and you seem to have a different way to putting your images together. Creative. Your words molded a pretty interesting picture and I had to think a little but not too hard, to give my head a similar scene. Now, there were a few cases in which your wording was a little bit weird but I can see your improvement from reading your novel and now this. Your vocabulary is quite grand but at some points it felt a little too complex and it ruined it for me but that was probably just a sentence or two, nothing worth mentioning because it could have just been me. Although, I did notice a few nitpicky things that I'd like to share...
It's then it's breached
and all torn down, the army marches in bloodied and hurt;

Bloodied and hurt? or just "with blood and hurt?" Somewhere along those lines, I felt the wording here was a bit weird.
I'm your Knight in shining
amore, the tongues of fire heat your hearth

Did you seriously mean hearth or heart?
Hearth-> An open recess in a wall at the base of a chimney where a fire can be built.

Electrity runs through my lips, as we finally end this dance.

*Electricity. Run a spell check before submitting your work, you'd be surprised what hinders there that you might have missed. Also, I don't like the use of electricity to describe the feeling in your lips. I keep picturing lightening running through the lips and it's just not the feeling that I think you were trying to explain.
Finally the desire, goes intense,

Why do you have a comma here? You don't necessarily need one.

So those were just a few nitpicks that stood out for me that I thought I should let you know about. Anyway, your poem was nice with some pretty interesting imagery as I mentioned before. Seems that there were a few parts that were a bit repetitive in my mind, flames, passion, I think the mention of fire was most abundant than anything else. Might be what you were going for, I'm not sure. Now, I'm not a poetry person but I find myself still wondering what the core of the story was. Aye, maybe I'm not thinking enough... Right now, I'm thinking it's two people bonding together while civilization/God/whatever great power out there is against them and they're trying to backlash, rebel or prove something. Is that it? Or am I missing something else? I feel like you're trying to connect a few things but I can't put my finger on it. :'(

In any case, this was a wonderful dive into prose-poetry, Pally. Good job. If you have any questions or want to yell at me for not saying enough or saying too much, you're free to send me a picture of a blown up penguin. I will cry, but it shall be punishment at it's best. Continue with your work, I expect to see more polished and more grand work from you in the future.

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham



"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns