What a silly game.

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ImABookPerson
Gender Female
Points 2212
Reviews 46
Mon Dec 13, 2010 8:17 am
ImABookPerson says... · Mon Dec 13, 2010 8:17 am
I haven't posted anything for awhile. So I decided to post this story :P I don't think it's my best work, but oh well :smt003


So many questions floating in my head. I’m so confused, but your not actually helping me are you? No, you aren’t. You’re just making me more confused.

So let me ask you. What are we exactly? Just friends? Or more than that?. Can’t we just honest with each other? Why must you confuse me with your games?

Oh, can’t you see? Your hurting me. Well, I guess you can’t, since you never actually pay enough attention. But that’s okay, I have always forgiven you for that. But I don’t think I can forgive myself for letting me fall for you.
Huh, you made me fall for you…

My bestfriend.

Well, I got to say, you started it. You started this confusing game. And now I’m stuck in between. Another question, are you happy? Are you happy that you finally got me to play your game? I really hope you are.
This is still not very clear to me.

You were the one who told me that you wanted me. And now I’m free, but you won’t catch me?
You confessed to me about your feelings towards me. So what are you waiting for?

Ugh, you make me sick, you make me feel special, you make me feel all the things that I have never felt. And yes, you made me feel confuse. Like I said, so many questions in my head. The most important question. What are we? Would you like to give me the answer for that? Please?...

I don’t know how to feel anymore. I hate feeling like this, so helpless. So naïve. So wrong. Wrong about you, how could I not see that? I was so sure. I was sure that I had you figured out. But I guess I was wrong. So wrong….
I’m so confused, so curious. What do you want me to say? Congrats? Because I’m pretty sure that I have already said that.
I don’t know how to choose side with my feelings.

One just so entirely happy that I have a great friend like you.

The other says the opposite. I thought it would have been great to have fallen for my bestfriend, but thank you, you proved me wrong. Again.

I love that you listen to what I got to say.

I love it when you make me feel so happy, making me feel like there is no worry in the world.

I love the feeling that you make me feel safe, safer than anybody can ever make me feel.

But I also so hate this feeling inside of me, I guess you can call it a fear? A fear that you will get tired of me. A fear that I will lose you, when I don’t even have you yet.

Doesn’t that just make you want to laugh? It does to me.

God, I feel so naïve.

You flirt with me, you make me laugh, you make me feel special. You make me feel wanted.

But yet were still just the same old us, always pretending that nothing between us is real. Oh, how I hate that about us.
So what are we? Would you mind giving me the answer? Because I fear that I will never know.

Love, what a silly game we play. Sometimes, I even wonder, why do I even bother to play.
I won't run when the sky turns to flame
and I sure won't budge when the earth does shake
when the flood comes up, I will dance in the rain
'cause it's all the same to me
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Gheala
Gender Female
Points 4346
Reviews 71
Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:18 pm
Gheala says... · Mon Dec 13, 2010 12:18 pm
I haven't reviewed in ages! Let's read, read and read!

So many questions floating in my head. I’m so confused, but your not (You're not)actually helping me are you? No, you aren’t. You’re just making me more confused.

So let me ask you. What are we exactly? Just friends? Or more than that?. (No period)Can’t we just (be) honest with each other? Why must you confuse me with your games?

Oh, can’t you see? Your(You're) hurting me. Well, I guess you can’t, since you never actually pay enough attention(I think it would be better to say 'can't see', instead of just 'can't' because I spent a few seconds figuring out 'can't' what.). But that’s okay, I have always forgiven you for that. (comma before 'but'. It would be better if you merge) But I don’t think I can forgive myself for letting me fall for you.
Huh, you made me fall for you…([color=#00BF00]I like that sentence)[/color]

My bestfriend. (Space between 'best' and 'friend')

Well, I got to say, you started it. You started this confusing game. (<maybe it would be better t merge those tow sentences>)And now I’m stuck in between. Another question, are you happy? Are you happy that you finally got me to play your game? I really hope you are.
This is still not very clear to me.

You were the one who told me that you wanted me. And now I’m free, but you won’t catch me?
You confessed to me about your feelings towards me. So what are you waiting for?

Ugh, you make me sick, you make me feel special, you make me feel all the things that I have never felt. And yes, you made me feel confuse(confused). Like I said, so many questions in my head. The most important question.(The most important question is:...) What are we? Would you like to give me the answer for that? Please?...

I don’t know how to feel anymore. I hate feeling like this, so helpless. So naïve. So wrong. Wrong about you, how could I not see that? I was so sure. I was sure that I had you figured out. But I guess I was wrong. So wrong….
I’m so confused, so curious. What do you want me to say? Congrats? Because I’m pretty sure that I have already said that.
I don’t know how to choose side with my feelings.

One just so entirely happy that I have a great friend like you.

The other says the opposite. I thought it would have been great to have fallen for my bestfriend(best friend), but thank you, you proved me wrong. Again.

I love that you listen to what I got to say.

I love it when you make me feel so happy, making me feel like there is no worry in the world.

I love the feeling that you make me feel safe, safer than anybody can ever make me feel. (I think it would be better to have those previous three sentences together in a paragraph. I don't know -.^)

But I also so hate this feeling inside of me, I guess you can call it a fear(I don't think the 'a' in 'a fear' is necessary)? A fear that you will get tired of me. A fear that I will lose you, when I don’t even have you yet.

Doesn’t that just make you want to laugh? It does to me.

God, I feel so naïve.

You flirt with me, you make me laugh, you make me feel special. You make me feel wanted.

But yet were still just the same old us, always pretending that nothing between us is real. Oh, how I hate that about us.
So what are we? Would you mind giving me the answer? Because I fear that I will never know.

Love, what a silly game we play. Sometimes, I even wonder, why do I even bother to play.

.........................
I liked it and I don't know why she bothers to play that game. The dude is clearly stupid. Lol. Anyway, I liked it very much, especially the questions you asked- they made me feel like I'm in her head, feeling her annoyance.
Nevertheless, I think your sentences were too short sometimes, while you could merge two or three sentences together. You would have a better and more attention-getting paragraphs if you do that.

Good job, cutie, I seriously liked it. Write again so I'd review again, girl!
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!
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MidnightWriter
Gender Female
Points 1261
Reviews 5
Mon Dec 13, 2010 1:08 pm
MidnightWriter says... · Mon Dec 13, 2010 1:08 pm
ImABookPerson wrote:

So many questions floating in my head. I’m so confused, but your not actually helping me are you? No, you aren’t. You’re just making me more confused.

So, let me ask you. What are we exactly? Just friends? Or more than that?. Can’t we just honest with each other? Why must you confuse me with your games?

Oh, can’t you see? You're hurting me. Well, I guess you can’t, since you never actually pay enough attention. But that’s okay, I have always forgiven you for that. But I don’t think I can forgive myself for letting me fall for you.
Huh, you made me fall for you…

My bestfriend.

Well, I got to say, you started it. You started this confusing game. And now I’m stuck in between. Another question, are you happy? Are you happy that you finally got me to play your game? I really hope you are.
This is still not very clear to me.

You were the one who told me that you wanted me. AndNow I’m free, but you won’t catch me?
You confessed to me about your feelings towards me. So what are you waiting for?

Ugh, you make me sick, you make me feel special, you make me feel all the things that I have never felt. And yes, you made me feel confuse. Like I said, so many questions in my head. The most important question. What are we? Would you like to give me the answer for that? Please?...

I don’t know how to feel anymore. I hate feeling like this, so helpless. So naive. So wrong. Wrong about you, how could I not see that? I was so sure. I was sure that I had you figured out, but I guess I was wrong. So wrong….
I’m so confused, so curious. What do you want me to say? Congrats? Because I’m pretty sure that I have already said that.
I don’t know how to choose side with my feelings.

One just so entirely happy that I have a great friend like you.

The other says the opposite. I thought it would have been great to have fallen for my bestfriend, but thank you, you proved me wrong. Again.

I love that you listen to what I got to say.

I love it when you make me feel so happy, making me feel like there is no worry in the world.

I love the feeling that you make me feel safe, safer than anybody can ever make me feel.

But I also so hate this feeling inside of me, I guess you can call it a fear? A fear that you will get tired of me. A fear that I will lose you, when I don’t even have you yet.

Doesn’t that just make you want to laugh? It does to me.

God, I feel so naive.

You flirt with me, you make me laugh, you make me feel special. You make me feel wanted.

But yet were still just the same old us, always pretending that nothing between us is real. Oh, how I hate that about us.
So what are we? Would you mind giving me the answer? Because I fear that I will never know.

Love, what a silly game we play. Sometimes, I even wonder, why do I even bother to play.


Overall, it was good. Except I can't tell if it is a prologue or whole story? I think you don't need all of the questions. If this was a prologue, you'd need to fix the formatting. It's good, but as a whole story I can't see it as that. I think you did a good job expressing feeling. I only found a few mistakes. If you ever need a review, let me know. Good Luck!
e.v.e.r.y GOOD writer has to s t a r t somewhere;*
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ziggiefred
Gender Female
Points 37146
Reviews 556
Mon Dec 13, 2010 11:11 pm
ziggiefred says... · Mon Dec 13, 2010 11:11 pm
Hello there :)

To me this came across as sort of lyrics to a song or something and not much of a formal story. However, I liked there way questions were bouncing around the story. I liked the uniqueness of this piece as a whole. I like how creative the whole concept is. I would liked though if this were a bit more character developed with scenes and stuff.
Keep writing
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!
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canislupis
Gender Female
Points 7715
Reviews 522
Tue Dec 14, 2010 4:00 pm
canislupis says... · Tue Dec 14, 2010 4:00 pm
Hello!

I don't think I've ever seen something of yours before, so this should be fun! I think the others have got most of the typos, so I just have a few over-all comments.


1. Redundancy

I noticed quite a few times where you're repeating pretty much the exact same thing over and over again. Rather than adding anything, it just made me want to skim. Or, you just keep going with the same thought, leaning too heavily on the 'question and answer' thing. For example, the entire first half could have been summarized in about one and a hal paragraphs. A lot of times, the best writing is that which can accomplish the most in the fewest of words. (long sentence, lol) Sometimes, the hardest thing to do in re-writing is to get rid of every sentence, clause, and word that can reasonably be chucked out. Once I took a four thousand word story and got it down to 1,500 words. Sounds weird, I know, but I think paring down would really help your writing.


2. Incomplete and run-on sentences, etc.

I actually like all the questions, but at the moment this feels very real. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but actually it isn't. Real life is often boring--we don't really need to know everything that goes through her head. Even though some errors have already been pointed out, on a sentence-by-sentence level, your prose does need a bit of work. Here is a short example (comments in bold):

So many questions floating in my head. Incomplete sentence--that's ok, but it stands out as a first sentence I’m so confused, but you're not actually helping me are you? No, you aren’t.Unnecessary. You’re just making me more confused.

So let me ask you. What are we exactly? Just friends? Or more than that?. Can’t we be just honest with each other? Why must you confuse me with your games?

Oh, can’t you see? Your hurting me. Well, I guess you can’t, since you never actually pay enough attention.this sentence is awkward. Fix? But that’s okay, I have always forgiven you for that. But I don’t think I can forgive myself for letting me fall for you. What about just saying, "for falling for you?

Huh, you made me fall for you… Yeah, you said that already

My bestspacefriend.

Well, I got to say, you started it. You started this confusing game. And now I’m stuck in between. Another question, are you happy? Are you happy that you finally got me to play your game? I really hope you are. This is ok, but I'm getting bored with the way nothing's happening and no new information has been introduced.

This is still not very clear to me. No, duh.




See what I mean? None of these are really hard things to fix, but they do take time. Sometimes (if it's reasonably convenient) the easiest thing is to print out a copy of your story. Errors and typos jump out a lot more in print than they do on a computer screen--no idea why. If that's not available, try reading sentence by sentence, out loud if you have a tendency to go to fast. Not to link my own link (just kidding, that's exactly what I'm going to do) Here is a link on run-on sentences

3. Originality

While I enjoyed reading this piece, you didn't give me many reasons to remember it. Sure, I like your character, and sure, it's an interesting premise, but there are thousands (litterally) of stories like this. That's not to say you can't make it work--what you need to do is add details. Little details (not including the color of people's eyes. Those descriptions are so common in Romance that I automatically gloss over them) go a long ways. I'm not talking random details like the color of the milshake she had for lunch, but the traits and descriptions that are important to the characters, the things that make them different from everyone else. Think of a real person you know. Odds are, they are incredibly complex. There personalities are complicated, they like certain colors, they talk a certain way, they get angry at certain things and laugh at others. Even though this is short, having a few more details (for example, where is she when she's talking? I'm getting an impression of a blank room) will go a long way for developing your characters. Which brings me to my final point...

4. Characters.

So, I mostly already covered this, but I have a problem with your characters. Their motivations are more or less plainly stated, and their conflicts, but we have no idea WHY she's unsure about him. She spends most of the time going back and forth-- "I like this about you, but I don't like this. I like THIS, but I don't like that." Who cares? She should just make up her mind. It's when we see actual things happening (is she still mad about some conversation? Did he actually do anything to make her mad?


5. Heh, I lied. This is my last point: Conclusion.

I like your ending--sortof. XD It was punchy and memorable, but also just on this side of cliche. )The whole love being a gane thing has been done.) Not sure how I would change it, but I just thought I'd mention it.

Ok, this is WAYYYY too long now, so I'll stop. I really did enjoy reading this, so thanks! Also feel free to request a review anytime.

See you!

Lupis
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