Into Darkness~ 1

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(it's a working title...)

ONE

“Your sister’s looking for you.”

I looked up in surprise at my mom. She looked so sad. I could tell there were fresh tear tracks across her cheeks. I brushed my fingers under my eyes to make sure I hadn’t been involuntarily crying as I watched the destruction of Viorest. How long had I been staring out that window anyways? An hour? A minute? A day? Long enough for the Bathaali to reach the castle gates, that’s all I know.

“Okay,” I stepped slowly away from the window, feeling as if I were dreaming… well, having a nightmare more like.

My mother stopped me and hugged me so hard I couldn’t breathe, and she sobbed into my shoulder. I hugged her back, realizing that in just an hour or so the Bathaali would probably penetrate the castle and we would both be dead. She loosened her grip on me and said in a whisper, “She’s on the balcony in her bedroom.”

I nodded, not looking at her directly, then I started towards Katrina’s room.

“Kat?” I called, knocking on her door.

“It’s open,” her voice reached me sounding muffled.

I pulled the door open and was surprised to find the room cold as a November morning. The doors to the balcony were thrown wide, and Katrina was standing out on it, leaning on the rail, wearing a regal looking pale blue dress, her bond hair pulled up, and a small silver tiara balanced on top of her head. I suppose she wanted to leave a pretty corpse.

I stepped onto the balcony and stood next to her, staring down at the destruction. Soldiers were still fighting, but the battle was becoming more and more hopeless. I would be dead, I thought, Dead and gone.. Since I was only fourteen I really had no obligation to be out there, trying to force back the massive number of Bathaali that were invading the city. Then again… I could probably pass for sixteen, and it had always been a sort of tradition for kings and princess of Viorest to fight along their fellow country men in such desperate times… and die doing so.

That’s probably the one good thing about the destruction of Viorest; no more pressure about being king. I would have been dreadful at it anyway. Kat was the true blue blood between me and her, that was quite clear. Besides, she’s a whole seven years older then me, and that much wiser and cleverer at least. Despite all of this, nobody wanted her to take over for my mom. Why? Well, it’s sort of complicated…

My grandparents, the king and queen of Viorest before my mom, had one daughter. And they really wanted to marry this daughter of theirs off to a prince from Lonkis, because Lonkis had a lot of forests, with a lot of wood, and Viorest had a big harbor and a few boats. My mom decided, “Why not?” So she and this Lonkin prince got married a week or so after they met. The way my mom puts it, she had decided it wouldn’t work by the honeymoon. However, she couldn’t just divorce him. The king and queen hadn’t gotten their wood yet. Luckily for Mom, both of her parents were struck down with cholera a couple of winters after she and the Lonkin prince got married. After that it was pretty simple for her to arrange for him to ‘mysteriously die in his sleep from natural causes,’ especially as no one really wanted this Lonkin jerk to be the king of Viorest.
A couple of months after his funeral, Katrina was born. She never knew her father. Her Lonkin grandparents know nothing of her existence. My mother wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now, here’s where everyone starts smiling and throwing looks at me in the story. Everyone except me. Well… I guess I couldn’t throw myself a look in any case, but as I was saying... This is the part in the story where Ethan comes in. Ethan… I’ll never know what was so great about him, and I don’t really like to imagine my mother in love with him. I don’t really like to imagine this Ethan man raising my big sister as if she were his daughter. I don’t like to imagine Ethan at all, actually.

But, everyone else does. Even people just a couple of years older then me sometimes insist that the few memories they have of the king of Viorest were very fond indeed. Which is weird, because you would think, if anyone could remember him, his son could. At least a little. But, you would be wrong. I was two when he died. Two. I would have been talking by then, at least a little… surely I should remember being two, but then again I’ve always had a dreadful memory. I don’t care though. Like I said, I just really don’t like to think about Ethan. I’ve seen my mother and sister shed too many tears over him. I’ve been laden with too many expectations that I would never have had if not for him. And, like I said, I’m no leader. I’m no king. Maybe the people of Viorest could have accepted that if it weren’t for him, and the fact that I’m, as far as anyone knows, the last living person with his blood in my veins. Maybe… but none of this even matters now, does it?

My thoughts were interrupted by a heavy sniff from Katrina. I slowly looked up at her, and realized on top of the nice clothes, and her pulled back hair, and her tiara, she had also covered her face with powder, her lips with stick, and her eyes with various components that were making dark tracks down her face. Somehow the tears made her even more beautiful. I’ve always thought her dad must have been a handsome man, and Ethan, despite the fact that everyone loves him so, was short and bulky with stupid looking brown hair that likes to defy gravity and stick up and out in every direction... alright, fine, I got my hair from my mom, but it looks nice on her. On me it looks absolutely ridiculous.

“Devin…” Katrina whispered, wiping her eyes and leaving big black splotches around them, “It will never be the same…”

I looked at the complete annihilation below… dead bodies were on every street, many houses and stores had been torched, and Bathaali were either feeding on dead people, or pounding on the castle gates. Then I turned back to my sister, “I don’t think there is going to be anything left to not be the same pretty soon.”

She stared at the dark smudge on her wrist as she muttered, “No more Viorest…”

I nodded, “Wonder what will become of it…”

She shrugged, “I guess we’ll find out,”

“What?” I asked, confused by this statement.

She looked me right in the eye, and didn’t respond for a moment, just stared at me with a rather blank expression on her face, her dark blue eyes shining with more tears.

Crash! My gaze snapped down as the Bathaali finally succeeded in breaking through the gate.

“Kat!”

“Dev, we have to get out of here!”

She grabbed my arm and pulled me into her bedroom.

“What do you mean, ‘get out of here?’” I sighed, “Kat, we’re as good as dead, don’t you realize that? And what the hell are you doing?!”

Katrina had been shuffling through her closet, but she froze, and turned to face me, “Don’t pretend like you know everything, baby brother. I ‘realize’ a lot more then you do, and one thing I’m pretty sure you don’t quite ‘realize’ is that we, can’t, die.” She said the last three words one at a time, with deliberate pauses in between. She sounded so angry, and all the smeared makeup on her face made her look like an aggravated raccoon, a pretty one at that. “But I can’t explain all that right now so just shut up and do as I say,” Katrina looked nothing, and I mean nothing, like Mom. However, I bet if I had closed my eyes I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

I just stood there, my mouth closed. Kat returned to her closet. She threw all the clothes on the floor, and ripped the drawers out.

I could hear hisses and yowls from below, and my hands started shaking.

Katrina groaned as she tried to pull the back of the closet out.

“Here,” I offered, and helped her yank it away.

“Thanks.”

Behind the wooden board I had almost expected a big gap that would lead to a cavern we could hide in, however, it was just a blank stone wall.

“Kat, what is this?”

“Nothing,” she said, taking the board from me, leaning it inside the closet, and closing the doors. She held the closet shut for a moment, then turned to me, and took a deep breath.

We both listened to the chaos happening on the floor below for a moment.

“What the hell?!” I shouted at her.

“Hush!” she sunk to her knees and began feeling the wooden planks on the floor of her bedroom, “Don’t you get it? That closet thing will distract them for a while,” she explained as her fingers snagged on a certain plank, and she lifted it up.

“Oh…”

Kat through the trap door open wide, she bundled the skirt of her dress together and slid inside up to her waste, then began climbing down a ladder.

Once her head was a foot or so below the floor, I lowered my feet to the first rung, but before I could take another step I froze.

Somewhere in the castle there was a person screaming. It was a scream I couldn’t recognize, but at the same time a scream that was so familiar. Maybe it was the scream I heard as I was being born…

There were Bathaali upstairs now, running through the halls, just outside the door. At any moment, one of them might barge in and see me.

"Devin!" Kat shouted at me. I didn't move. "Come on Dev! Now!" Kat sounded near tears.

The scream ended, and my heart sank.
Last edited by TabbyGirl on Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Wow, this was very exciting! I love how you kept it interesting, but the tone was soft at the same time. You gave us a backstory, which was great. I found many grammatical errors, however, but those can be easily fixed. I have to say, the cliffhanger made me really want to read the rest. Overall, great job!
CiNeMa BiZaRrE <3




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Aloha, AllyGrLxOx here for a review! :D
This definitely shows off it's potential for a great story!

So I'm going to be a tad nit-picky and try and point out some things I think should be edited!
You also have some grammatical/spelling errors, so I'd suggest trying out copying and pasting your work into Microsoft Word and fixing those errors before posting. It just helps with the flow of things! :)

So let's begin!

I looked up in surprise at my mom. She looked so sad. I could tell there were fresh tear tracks across her cheeks.

This short and choppy sentence caught my eye! Try condensing it or adding some more details!

The doors to the balcony were thrown wide, and Katrina was standing out on it, leaning on the rail, wearing a regal looking pale blue dress, her bond hair pulled up, and a small silver tiara balanced on top of her head.

Hmm, seems like an extra long sentence to me! Try adding some more imagery and breaking it up?

no more pressure about being king.

Your MC is a guy... whoops that was unclear to me up to this line! :?

I love the plot that you've got going on! It truly is a great idea! xD

Your MC has a humorous voice, I find it quite amusing and enjoyable to read!

I was two when he died. Two…

I'd reword it as "I was two when he died.Two."
That period there instead of the ellipsis helps to add a dramatic effect! :D

The scream ended, and my heart sank.

What a way to end! *LOUD applause*

Overall I liked it! However it (like everything) could use some editing. I'd suggest working on choppy sentences as well as adding in some more emotion and imagery. :D

Any questions?
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Wow! I must confess I wasn't expecting much but you blew me away! This was absolutely Brilliant! I loved it! You have a lot of talent! As for any critiques, I was somewhat preoccupied with reading to pay too much attention BUT I got one or two things.

to-tal-ly dead.


I didn't like this statement much. I seemed too much like a modern day teenager playing a video game or something. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but this seems medieval era...?

I didn't have too much else but just a suggestion and I'm completely torn on it. I think all of the information is extremely interesting and well thought out but normally most writers would say to spread the background instead of breaking from the story to give a background. In this case, it didn't pause too much since you hadn't really begun the action and they weren't charging up the steps... yet. It's your story, yours to do whatever you wish, don't let us make you change it. So it's just a thought. Maybe you could spread it but I loved how you did it!

Anyways, PM me if you need anything. Let me know if you read anything of mine, I'd love to hear from ya!




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Hey TabbyGirl! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's your thanks-for-entering review!

Why? Well, it’s sort of complicated…

This is probably more of a personal preference thing than anything, but direct addresses to the reader like this are kind of awkward. Especially if that sort of thing isn't carried through and done often throughout the story. I think it would work a lot better if it were reworded to something like: "It's sort of a complicated thing". It preserves your MCs tone/style, while not doing the whole direct address thing. But of course, this is completely personal preference ;)

it had always been a sort of tradition for kings and princess of Viorest to fight along their fellow country men

I think you mean "kings and princes", since your MC is a prince, not a princess ;)

My grandparents, the king and queen of Viorest before my mom, had one daughter.

King and Queen are titles, so should be capitalized. Unless, of course, you were talking broadly about kings and queens in general, or about the non-specific position of king. Anyways, since you're talking about a specific King and a specific Queen they should be capitalized. The same goes for similar instances of "Prince" or other royal titles.

My mom decided, “Why not?” So she and this Lonkin prince got married a week or so after they met. The way my mom puts it, she had decided it wouldn’t work by the honeymoon. However, she couldn’t just divorce him.

A sentence or two before this, it's the daughter the King and Queen had before your MC's mom who was wanted to marry this Lonkin Prince. But then, it switches to your MC's mom being the one who is marrying the Prince. So, which is it? ;)

A couple of months after his funeral, Katrina was born.

Two things. 1) How was she not suspected pregnant by her deceased husbands parents if she gave birth only a few months later? Pregnant women, especially just a few months from giving birth, tend to look a bit pregnant ;) It might work better if there was more time between the funeral and Katrina being born. 2) Does all of Viorest know that Katrina's father is this dead Lonkin prince? Does she know? If not, then how/why does the MC know? Is it a smart idea for her Lonkin parentage to be widely known? What if someone were to go tell Katrina's Lonkin grandparents that they had a granddaughter, and some sort of huge conflict broke out? Just some things to think about ;)

I really enjoyed reading this chapter! You did a very good job of introducing the reader right into the action, making it interesting to read and making them want to keep reading. That's one of the most important jobs of a first chapter, so great job. There are only a few things that I wanted to mention further (including what I already nit-picked above).

It would be good to see Devin introduced better earlier in the chapter. With a first person narrator, it's hard to get a good picture of a character from the start since all you get is "I". It wasn't until a ways through that I even knew what gender he was, and that's kind of important. ;) Even just having his mother say his name at the start would be good, though I would like to see a little more description of him thrown into the chapter at different points so that the reader can get a better picture of him. It's easy to let characters become "talking heads" (characters the reader doesn't have a good picture of, so they are simply figureless heads saying things and doing stuff). A really effective character is one the reader can picture and identify with. (Here's a good article about how to combat talking heads! :))

Again, I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Definitely keep writing! You have a great idea on your hands.

Thanks again for entering!

-Lauren-
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Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
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