Broken Away but not Freed Chapter One

Chapter One

Maya carefully shut the ancient books of spells by Xavier Bloodrose. She, glanced up and watched her amethyst eyed raven perch on her small, wooden windowsill. On its leg was a letter from her school, BlackRose Academy. The only place that didn't care that she was the twin of Daniela. Her magic more than made up for that loss.

Sitting up, Maya stretched her right hand out as the raven, Aerith, landed carefully so as to not injure his companion. Untying the letter from his leg Maya whispered, "Please watch out so that Daniela doesn't come in."

Aerith took off and resumed his post as guardian as Maya began to open the letters. Just as she started reading, her cell phone started to ring. Glancing at the caller she answered it saying, "Hey Malik, what's up?"

Malik's concerned voice rang from the other end, "Are you alright? They haven't harmed you have they?"

Maya smiled softly at his worry and said, "Of course not, Grandpa is here. Dad wouldn't dare harm me if he wanted to. Besides, I was just about to read my grades before you interrupted."

Malik laughed saying, "I'm sure you did well, Maya. You always do. What will your parents do since you always do better than Daniela?"

Maya frowned slightly saying, "They don't want me to be better than Daniela, yet they don't want me to be worse because then they will say oh why aren't you like your sister? It's a no no-win situation so I decided I would give it my all. It's not like it can get any worse."

"I wouldn't say that, Maya, but it's good that you're doing your best. Silence and Darkness are holding a party to celebrate our 10th year as the Ancient Silence if you want to come along, since you are the leader after all. We can't celbrate becoming family without the leader, after all." Malik said as Maya carefully studied her grades, a warm sense of joy spreading through her as she noticed she aced them all.

Her pine green eyes light up with defiance as she said, "I'll sneak out if I have to. I will not miss seeing you all again. Since if I do I will not see you guys again for another week, too long in my opinion."

Malik voice turned quiet, almost stern, "Don't get into trouble, Maya. It wouldn't be good for your health."

Maya could just see his dark blue eyes turning hard with concern as she said, "I'll be fine, Malik, don't worry."

He sighed softly saying, "I'll see you later then. Try and get some sleep Maya."

Maya went stiff saying," No I will not sleep now."

Malik's voice turned determined, "Yes you will. I will make sure of it even if I have to come over there."

Maya scowled darkly before relenting slightly, "Fine, but you've got to wake me in three hours or I'm going to be mad at you."

Malik sighed, knowing that was not enough for her, and said, "Make it four and it's a deal."

Maya paused and said, "Fine. Good bye Mal I'll see you later."

"Good bye. I'll be sure to wake you." From his tone, Maya just knew he was smiling, or trying not to laugh.

She ended the call just as her grandfather entered the room, his warm brown eyes full of concern as he took in his granddaughters pale face and haunted green eyes.

"Maya will you sleep now?" He asked, as he sat down on the edge of the bed, gently moving her long black hair out of her eyes, revealing the crescent moon scar on her cheek and her angelic face.

She smiled softly and nodded, allowing him to pick her up and place her under the covers, silently thinking of how glad she was that one member of her family loved her so. Her eyes drifted as he began to sing a soft lullaby, his hand softly stroking her hair as she fell into a deep sleep.

Raven glanced at his granddaughter and decided at that moment it was time she came to live with him, away from her parents' and sister's cold looks, their mean comments, so that she may finally be loved the way she should've been from the start.

This Is really good! I can't wait to read more.

Heya,

First things first: I really liked the idea. One thing that caught my eye was the fact that Maya had a disease or something (I'm not sure what, but I think it'll be clearer later on in the story) which made her physically weak. The reason why this in particular caught my eye was that people usually tend to make their main characters unstoppable, really strong, really smart - basically immortal. I like it when people actually give their characters major flaws that they have to sturggle with; it gives the story a sense of reality.
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Having said that, here cometh thy nitpicks (what I change is in bold):

The only place that didn't care that she was the twin of Daniela

Her magic more than made up for that loss.

I got the sense that Maya is extremely efficient in magic, so I'd emphasise it here.

Sitting up, Maya stretched her right hand out as the raven, Aerith, landed carefully so as to not injure his companion. Untying the letter from his leg Maya whispered, "Please watch out so that Daniela doesn't come in."

Here you used "letters" while earlier on you used "letter" in singular, make them all the same so as to not create unneccesary confusion.

Glancing at the caller she answered it saying, "Hey Malik, what's up?"

There should be a comma here, to make it sound smooth.

"Of course not, Grandpa is here. He wouldn't dare harming me if he wanted to if he was here. Besides I was just about to read my grades before you interrupted."

I didn't change anything here, but I wanted to point out one thing: I'm not sure who's doing what in this sentence. All the three times you use "he", they refer back to Grandpa, but I get the feeling that the first "he" is someone else. You should consider wording this differently.

"I wouldn't say that Maya, but it's good that you're doing your best

There should also be a comma there.

"Yes you will. I will make sure of it even if I have to come over there Maya Bloodrose."

"Fine, but you've got to wake me in 3 hours or I'm going to be mad at you."

She smiled softly and nodded, allowing him to pick her up and place her under the covers, silently thinking of how glad she was that one member of her family loved her so.

You should also revise your commas where people are speaking, as now when you read it, they just seem to blurt the words out in a long string.
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Enough about the nitty picky comments; I think this is a great idea for a plot and you have a knack for writing interestingly. That's not to say that it's perfect, but it's really good. Keep with this storyline for sure, and post more of this please . I'd love to read more.

Yours truly,
|WaitingForLife|

Interesting. I haven't read a piece in a long time where the main character is sick. I like the element it adds to your story.

On to nitpicks.

Maya carefully shut the ancient books of spells by Xavier Bloodrose as she watched her majestic amethyst eyed raven perch on her small, wooden windowsill. On its leg was a letter from her school, BlackRose Academy, for the Magically Gifted. The only place didn't care that she was the twin of Daniela or that she was weak health wise sick. Her magic made up for that loss.

Couple problems with the beginning, and I highlighted those in red. The reason I highlighted the part about the bird is because you're sprewing too much description at us in the single sentence. I would choose one characteristic: the eyes or the fact that the raven is majestic. You can always bring in the other detail later in the story.

The reason I highlighted all the information about the school, the fact that Maya is a twin, and that she's sick is, again, too much too soon. You're introducing us to this story, and because you have so much you want to share with us, I believe you should do it gradually.

"Of course not, Grandpa is here. He wouldn't dare harming me if he wanted to if he was here. Besides I was just about to read my grades before you interrupted."

None of this made any sense to me. Why would her Grandpa harm her, when it's evident later in the piece that he loves her? And you make it seem like the fact she's about to read her grades are a counterpoint; how so? Just some plot holes; we all have them.

"I wouldn't say that Maya but that's good that you're doing your best. Silence and Darkness are holding a party to celebrate our 10th year as the Ancient Silence if you want to come along, since you are the leader after all."

Again, much information that I don't know how to sort. You aren't explaining anything you're throwing at us, and while I'm a huge fan of the show don't tell rule, I think I'll make an exception in this case since I'd like some explanations as a reader.

Malik smiled saying, "Good bye Maya. I'll be sure to wake you."

Even though you're writing in third person, we are still seeing the world from Maya's point of view. Since she's on the phone with Malik, there's no way she would know he's smiling. Just be careful with that sort of thing in the future. If you're going to switch perspectives, again, make it gradual.

Throughout the piece, your sentence structure is a little odd whenever there's dialogue. Don't be afraid to use commas now and then. So far your piece is interesting, as I said in the beginning. Keep writing.

Love the atmosphere created in the story! you used good devices and kept the reader wanting to read on, just add to the characters surroundings like where she is describe it. besides that i think it's good and imaginative keep it up!

Maya carefully shut the ancient books of spells by Xavier Bloodrose as she watched her majestic amethyst-eyed raven perch on her small, wooden windowsill. On its leg was a letter from her school, BlackRose Academy, for the Magically Gifted. The only place that didn't care that she was the twin of Daniela or that she was weak health wise. Her magic made up for that loss.

Maya smiled softly at his worry and said, "Of course not, Grandpa is here. He wouldn't dare harm me [if he wanted to if he was here]. Besides I was just about to read my grades before you interrupted." The part in red brackets needs to be rewritten, because it's kind of a run-on.

Maya frowned slightly saying, "They don't want me to be better than Daniela yet they don't want me to be worse because then they will say 'oh why aren't you like your sister?' It's a no no-win situation so I decided I would give it my all. It's not like it can get any worse."

"I wouldn't say that, Maya, but that's good that you're doing your best. Silence and Darkness are holding a party to celebrate our 10th year as the Ancient Silence if you want to come along, since you are the leader after all." Malik said as Maya carefully studied her grades, a warm sense of joy spreading through her as she noticed she aced them all.

Her pine green eyes light up with defiance as she said, "I'll sneak out if I have to. I will not miss seeing you all again. Since if I do I will not see you guys again for another week, too long in my opinion."

Overall, watch your grammar and spelling! But outside of that, this could turn into something unique. I can't stress how annoying it is when people follow story trends (and you've used wizardry here) so be careful not to fall into the cliche pop-fiction area where your voice is drowned away by what you've already read. Keep the story yours. Anyway, I really like that your character is sort of sickly, giving her a more human face. I'm curious to see what happens here.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Everyone else has already corrected your grammar and all that, but I can't help putting a few more notes in. Apologies if I'm being repetitive.

First of all, I really like Maya, she seems like a unique kind of character, makes me want to know more about her, so I hope to read more soon. I wish there was more description in the beginning for introduction though, as I felt that the transition from the first paragraph to the following ones seemed too quick for me. It's always nice to write a little more. Introductions are meant to explain as much as possible of the story setting, but at the same time styled in a way that can have the readers fantasize the parts which are still mysteries for now.

I might not make sense, but it's up to you whether to take this into account. Other than that, hope to see improvements in the next chapters whenever they come!

New story woot woot!

Maya carefully shut the ancient books of spells by Xavier Bloodrose as she watched her majestic amethyst eyed raven perch on her small, wooden windowsill I know it‘s being picky, but this first line reads too long. There‘s too much in it. Try breaking it up into two sentences. On its leg was a letter from her school, BlackRose Academy, for the Magically Gifted. The only place that didn't care that she was the twin of Daniela or that she was weak health wise. Her magic made up for that loss.

Sitting up, Maya stretched her right hand out as the raven, Aerith, landed carefully so not to injure his companion. Untying the letters from his leg Maya whispered, "Please watch out so Daniela doesn't come in."

Aerith took off and resumed his post as guardian as Maya began to open the letters. I like the idea of the raven pet Just as she started reading, her cell phone started to ring. Glancing at the caller she answered it saying, "Hey Malik what's up?"

Malik's concerned voice rang from the other end, "Are you alright? They haven't harmed you have they?"

Maya smiled softly at his worry and said, "Of course not, Grandpa is here. He wouldn't dare harming me if he wanted to if he was here all of this is just unnecessary. Besides comma I was just about to read my grades before you interrupted."

Malik laughed saying, "I'm sure you did well comma Maya. You always do. What will your parents do?"

Maya frowned slightly saying, "They don't want me to be better than Daniela comma yet they don't want me to be worse because then they will say ‘oh why aren't you like your sister?’ It's a no no win situation so I decided I would give it my all. It's not like it can get any worse."

"I wouldn't say that comma Maya comma but that's good that you're doing your best. Silence and Darkness are holding a party to celebrate our 10th year as the Ancient Silence if you want to come along, since you are the leader after all." Malik said as Maya carefully studied her grades, a warm sense of joy spreading through her as she noticed she aced them all.

Her pine green eyes light up with defiance as she said, "I'll sneak out if I have too. I will not miss seeing you all again. Since if I do I will not see you guys again for another week, too long in my opinion."

Malik voice turned quiet, almost stern, "Don't get into trouble comma Maya. It wouldn't be good for your health."

Maya could just see his dark blue eyes turning hard with concern as she said, "I'll be fine comma Malik comma don't worry."

He sighed softly saying, "I'll see you later then. Try and get some sleep comma Maya." Alright, look at this dialogue for a second. Do you see how in nearly every sentence they have to address each other by name? It sounds weird. And it’s not realistic.

Maya went stiff saying," No comma or period I will not sleep now."

Malik’s voice turned determined, "Yes you will. I will make sure of it even if I have to go over there Maya Bloodrose." again, repetition of the name is slightly annoying.

Maya scowled darkly before relenting slightly, "Fine comma but you got to wake me in 3 three hours or I'm going to be mad at you."

Malik sighed, knowing that was not enough for her, and said, "Make it four and it's a deal."

Maya paused and said, "Fine. Good bye Mal I'll see you later."

Malik smiled saying, "Good bye Maya. I'll be sure to wake you."

To me, your dialogue just seems awkward. It’s not very smooth, and you start every part with ‘Maya scowled saying this… Malik sighed saying this… Maya paused saying this… Malik smiled saying this…’ After a while, it just gets predictable and less enjoyable. And I know I’ve already mentioned this but you repeat their names way too often. At the end, the ‘goodbye Mal, goodbye Maya’ reminded me of the whole ‘goodnight john boy’ movie, where everyone just says each other’s names.

She ended the call just as her grandfather entered the room, his warm brown eyes full of concern as he took in his granddaughters pale face and haunted green eyes.

"Maya will you sleep now?" He asked, as he sat down on the edge of the bed, gently moving her long black hair out of her eyes, revealing the crescent moon scar on her cheek and her angelic face.

She smiled softly and nodded, allowing him to pick her up and place her under the covers, silently thinking of how much she was glad glad she was that one member of her family loved her so. Her eyes drifted as he began to sing a soft lullaby, his hand softly stroking her hair as she fell into a deep sleep.

Raven glanced at his granddaughter and decided at that moment it was time she came to live with him, away from her parents' and sister's cold looks, their mean comments, so that she may finally be loved the way she should've been from the start.

This story feels very similar to Reflection of the Past. Are you using the same characters? It sure feels like it.

Like the other one, I’m a little confused. Why is the main character so sad? What’s going on in her life? It feels like this scene should be in the middle of the story, because I don’t feel like you’ve set anything up. When have you explained the setting, or the current situation? All we know is that this girl lives in her grandfather’s house, has a best friend that calls her, owns a bird, and attends a school for the magically gifted. It almost sounds like Harry Potter with the owls and Hogwarts.

So I suggest just taking this back to the beginning. Think about where your story should start, or what the most important scene is. Take your time, and describe your world.

Yes yes just know I probably am tossing almost all my stories away this was from 5 years ago and I didn't change it so I'll do my best ><

omgg your stories are once agian AMAZINGG !!! yOU have such talent as a writerrrr (: keep these stories coming, especially this one !!! You are PHENOMENAL!!!