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*When you review this, could you suggest a title as well?'*

Fluffy, creamy marshmallows dipped halfway in the unicorn cup full of hot cocoa just waiting to be devoured. Outside, it’s snowing. White, perfect snowflakes, each one a complete opposite of its sister, yet they are much too tiny for us to see their magical shapes. The petite sisters dance gracefully across the sky, their debut and final dance ending on the soft snowy ground.

Inside, it’s warm. The fire dances in the fireplace, burning away the wood, coloring the room in orange, bathing it with its hot blaze, laughing at them silently. Their best friend. Their worst enemy.

Dinner’s on the table. It’s the night before Christmas Eve; everything is set. Large gold and red balls hang off the Christmas tree, garlands and the angel at the top. The children heave a sigh of relief. Santa will be pleased.

They sit at the table, drinking their cocoa or eating their dinner, whichever stage they’re at. There’s nothing to disturb the tranquility of the moment, everyone’s at peace, everyone shares in the beauty of the Elvis Presley Christmas songs in the back.

Then, dinner is over.

The children go to their nursery. There’s two of them, a little girl and a little boy. They brush their teeth, put on their fluffy pajamas, quickly get into bed as it is cold and wait for mommy and daddy to come and tuck them in.

Here they come, up the steps. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Daddy’s steps echo, compared to mommy’s gentle footsteps. Soon they enter, smile at the kids. A bed time story is in order. A big, colorful book with hard covers is taken out. Here follows a story about a doggy and then, ‘Good night’ Mommy says and kisses her children on the cheeks. ‘Good night’ Daddy says and does the same.

They exit. The thoughts of unpaid taxes and prepaid vacations haunt them. It used to be better before. Then he got laid off. And now they could barely make ends meet. But the children didn’t have to know. For them, they had bought large gifts, depriving themselves of expensive wine and beautiful clothes. For them, Christmas would live on and life would be as it was.

They’re tired. The arguments begin ‘We shouldn’t have bought that trip, I didn’t want to anyway’ says the mother, ‘Well, you didn’t feel that way before’ says the father, ‘I didn’t mind, but honestly, it was pointless’ replies the mother ‘You always have to complain don’t you?’ says the father. They turn away. Walk away from each other. The fire watches. It laughs gleefully. No one notices.

Sleep. All is silent. There is no yells, no arguments, no laughs. Just silence. Perfect silence. All is calm. Everyone is safe in their dreams. All their worries forgotten for a few hours. Sleep has come, even for the parents who were restless. Exhaustion does that, they say.

The air is thick with smoke. A fire alarm sounds. Father wakes up, and mother. ‘The children!’

They run outside, the steps devoured by the fire, their children yell and cry hysterically as they watch. Mother and father grab them and look for a way out. Where do they go now? The stairs are devoured, the furious fire quickly makes its way upstairs, the angry flames eat away at everything they can.

The firemen arrive. Good neighbors saw the house on fire and called. They were just on their way to warn them.

Father opens the window of the children’s room and the firemen place a ladder. Soon they are safe once again.

But the fire has devoured all else. The house is burned down to the ground and all they can do is watch as the firemen struggle to put out the vigorous fire. So helpless. Once again. They can do nothing but stand by as someone takes away their possessions.

At the insurance company the next day, they can’t help them. Their insurance has expired, the sour lady in the green outfit says, nearly two months ago. Did they not receive a notification?

No, they did not.

The kids wonder why mommy and daddy look so down. They wonder where they would spend Christmas this year, since the house burned down. Would they go to a hotel?

But mommy and daddy have no money for a hotel. They sit at their neighbor’s house, kind enough to accommodate them for the night. They look out and wait for a Christmas miracle to happen. And wait. And wait.

There’s hot cocoa on the table, fluffy marshmallows dipped in it, waiting to be devoured. The snowflakes dance in the air, falling lightly on the ground. The flames play in the fireplace. Watching them. Laughing. Their best friend. Their worst enemy.




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I'm liking how the story bulids up to this devistating end
really good how you played the story giving the fire a personality like it was tornting the family
but you forgot to have a seperate line for when a new person spoke and everything happened a bit fast i understand it's a short story but maybe lengthen it a bit more.




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Well... that was kind of depressing...

Heheh, but still, the writing was good. Great first paragraph, it really got me interested.

The children go to their nursery. There’s two of them, a little girl and a little boy. They brush their teeth, put on their fluffy pajamas, quickly get into bed as it is cold and wait for mommy and daddy to come and tuck them in.


Well... is there a sink in the nursery? For all I know there is... but I figure not. I would reword this...

Great ending too, I like the way you incorporated that

The flames play in the fireplace. Watching them. Laughing. Their best friend. Their worst enemy.


at the begining and the end.

A title? I guess, something to do with fire... eh, I'm not very good at this...

I'd be interested to hear more!

--
TabbyGirl




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stelagineva wrote:*When you review this, could you suggest a title as well?'*

Fluffy, creamy marshmallows dipped halfway in the unicorn cup full of hot cocoa just waiting to be devoured. Outside, it’s snowing. White, perfect snowflakes, each one a complete opposite of its sister, yet they are much too tiny for us to see their magical shapes. The petite sisters dance gracefully across the sky, their debut and final dance ending on the soft snowy ground.

Inside, it’s warm. #FF0000 ">The fire dances in the fireplace, burning away the wood, coloring the room in orange, bathing it with its hot blaze, laughing at them silently I think this is a bit of a run on sentence. Anyways it is a bit odd. I think just a little work on that sentence would help the paragraph.. Their best friend. Their worst enemy.Nice foreshadowing.

Dinner’s on the table. It’s the night before Christmas Eve; everything is set. Large#FF0000 ">, gold and red balls hang off the Christmas tree, garlands and the angel at the top. The children heave a sigh of relief. Santa will be pleased.

#FF0000 ">They sit at the table, drinking their cocoa or eating their dinner, whichever stage they’re at. Bit awkward there.There’s nothing to disturb the tranquility of the moment, everyone’s at peace, everyone shares in the beauty of the Elvis Presley Christmas songs in the back.

Then, dinner is over.

The children go to their nursery. There’s two of them, a little girl and a little boy. They brush their teeth, put on their fluffy pajamas, quickly get into bed as it is cold and wait for mommy and daddy to come and tuck them in.

Here they come, up the steps. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Daddy’s steps echo, compared to mommy’s gentle footsteps. Soon they enter, smile at the kids. A bed time story is in order. A big, colorful book with hard covers is taken out. Here follows a story about a doggy and then, ‘Good night’ Mommy says and kisses her children on the cheeks. ‘Good night’ Daddy says#FF0000 ">, and does the same.

#FF0000 ">They exit. That makes it sound a bit like a script, and since its a short story you may want to change it up a bit. The thoughts of unpaid taxes and prepaid vacations haunt them.#FF0000 "> It used to be better before. Then he got laid off. Maybe change this to " It was better, before he got laid off. And now they could barely make ends meet. But the children didn’t have to know. For them,they had bought large gifts, depriving themselves of expensive wine and beautiful clothes.For them, Christmas would live on and life would be as it was.

#FF0000 ">They’re tired. You seem to start to many of your paragraph with a short sentence. The arguments begin ‘We shouldn’t have bought that trip, I didn’t want to anyway’ says the mother, ‘Well, you didn’t feel that way before’ says the father, ‘I didn’t mind, but honestly, it was pointless’ replies the mother ‘You always have to complain don’t you?’ says the father. Should this all be in a paragraph? They turn away. Walk away from each other. The fire watches. It laughs gleefully. No one notices.

#FF0000 ">Sleep.Again. All is silent. There is no yells, no arguments, no laughs. Just silence. Perfect silence. All is calm. Everyone is safe in their dreams. All their worries forgotten for a few hours. Sleep has come, even for the parents who were restless. Exhaustion does that, they say.

The air is thick with smoke. A fire alarm sounds. Father wakes up, and mother. ‘The children!’

They run outside, the steps devoured by the fire, their children yell and cry hysterically #FF0000 ">as they watch. As they watch .... ( maybe a little more should go there.Mother and father grab them and look for a way out. Where do they go now? The stairs are devoured, the furious fire quickly makes its way upstairs, the angry flames eat away at everything they can.

The firemen arrive. #FF0000 ">Good neighbors For some reason when I this it seems awkward.saw the house on fire and called. They were just on their way to warn them.

Father Why would the father be opening the window?opens the window of the children’s room and the firemen place a ladder. Soon they are safe once again.

But the fire has devoured all else. The house is burned down to the ground and all they can do is watch as the firemen struggle to put out the vigorous fire. #FF0000 ">So helpless. Once again.Once again? They can do nothing#FF0000 ">, but stand by as someone takes away their possessions.

#FF0000 ">At the insurance company the next day, they can’t help them. May sound better to say, "The next day at the insurance company." But that one is up to you. Their insurance has expired, the sour lady in the green outfit says, nearly two months ago. #FF0000 ">Did they not receive a notification?

No, they did not.

The kids wonder why mommy and daddy look so down. They wonder where they would spend Christmas this year, since the house burned down. #FF0000 ">Would they go to a hotel? Little repetitive with the question at the end of the sentence.

#FF0000 ">But You can just take out the But.mommy and daddy have no money for a hotel. They sit at their neighbor’s house, kind enough to accommodate them for the night. They look out and wait for a Christmas miracle to happen. And wait. And wait.

There’s hot cocoa on the table, fluffy marshmallows dipped in it, waiting to be devoured. The snowflakes dance in the air, falling lightly on the ground. The flames play in the fireplace. Watching them. Laughing. Their best friend. Their worst enemy.
Hehe. I love the last paragraph

Okay, so there are a few awkward places, but really good story. Maybe you could name is some thing along the lines of A not so Marry Christmas?

Keep Writing =]
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




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Hey Stella, welcome back! It'd be an honor reviewing you.

Fluffy, creamy marshmallows dipped halfway in the unicorn cup full of hot cocoa just waiting to be devoured.
Okay, so I honestly like this opening, but I just couldn't get what this 'unicorn' means? It might be something I am not aware of, so could you tell me, please?

White, perfect snowflakes, each one a complete opposite of its sister, yet they are much too tiny for us to see their magical shapes.
Perfect? Perfectly shaped or what? You need to tell that. Or are they perfect in being complete opposite?

There’s nothing to disturb the tranquility ofat the moment, everyone’s at peace, everyone shares in the beauty of the Elvis Presley Christmas songs in the back.


They brush their teeth, put on their #FF4000 ">fluffy pajamas, quickly get into bed as it is cold and wait for mommy and daddy to come and tuck them in.
Don't you think that the word 'fluffy' is gettin' too much? And otherwise too you hardly use the word 'fluffy' for a pajama. Try using warm, thick or something else and if it's fluffy, go on with something else too. Like add something more, only and only if you wish to.

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.
Generally actions or verbs independent of sentences are in italics. So italicize it.

A big, colorful book with hard covers is taken out.
One book has only one 'cover' so no 'hardcovers'.

Here follows a story about a doggy and then, ‘Good night’ Mommy says and kisses her children on the cheeks. ‘Good night’ Daddy says and does the same.
Hasn't been the story here underestimated? I mean, you can definitely bring in more of story rather than just the 'doggie' element. I bet you can. Even though it's not important tot the story, you could still bring a bit more than what you wrote.

There is are no yells, no arguments, no laughs.
Plurals, Stels?

Stella, honestly you have improved tons since I last reviewed your work, and in your case a break has done good to your writing but that doesn't mean you be away from us more. No way! lol. Okay, so for the story I think the best thing about it was that you were very good with the style. I really liked the simple yet convincing style you had in here. It was something different from my style, of course and definitely a pleasure to read. I really liked the way you phrased some of your sentences, and as you cut them into short parts making them more impressive. Thumbs up on that! Also the third person was apt for it. I have one question but-is it for some contest or just a random story you came up with? Because if it was a story then you could tell us what it's about so that we could review it from that angle. Anyways, I'll give a general kind of review.

My main problem with this would be that you had a very rushed end. Like everything was progressing normally, but then suddenly you had a fire(no problem with that as such), and then things were going fast. Also, most of the time for the damage you expressed, you used the word 'devour' a lot which if we count in total has been used four times, so I found it a bit slacky, but you could do away with it. Other thing were you dialog. As such you didn't have much of dialog here, but then they were squeezed together when you did have them. So I would advice you to sort them out neatly. I found this as something for kids-were they the reading group targeted? No offence. I loved reading it and I can say that others of my age would also, but it seemed that your voice here was for kids. But if it wasn't, don't change it because I think it was quite sweet and innovative.

The next problem is that you were sometimes maybe trying being too simple-be it words, the style or anything. Maybe because it was all not very flowery but I like that. But the problem was the lack of solid voice in the last few paragraphs. I just felt the damage could have been lot better attempted. Just devoured won't be sufficient, for me. The next thing is that you were just taking away all the fun of Christmas from the family? Right? So what exactly were they feeling? Okay, there's a bit of explanation of how their Christmas is ruined, but what about the children? Even though they don't and won't understand the delicacy of the situation, but surely they would have some questions cropping up in their mind, right? Like once or twice they could take out the time to ask their parents a question and maybe the neighbour would weave a cute little story to keep their minds of it. It's just an idea and you could bring in lot of them here. Other than this, I'd like to sum up my points:
1. 'Devour' word repeated quite a lot.
2. The end was rushed
3. Dialog a bit clattered
4. Children's reaction could be explored.

As for the title now, I thought a lot and I have few ideas:
-Broken Christmas Dreams
-Flames Play the Tricks
-Startin' Over

Foolish advices, I know.

PM me for any questions and post when you need more of my reviews.

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hey, Pink here!

Nitpicks/Comments

Fluffy, creamy marshmallows dipped halfway in the unicorn cup full of hot cocoa just waiting to be devoured. Outside, it’s snowing. White, perfect snowflakes, each one a complete opposite of its sister, yet they are much too tiny for us to see their magical shapes. The petite sisters dance gracefully across the sky, their debut and final dance ending on the soft snowy ground.

Interesting start for an opener. It mostly caught my attention so ten points there.
My real nitpick with this is your use of debt and final dance at the ending. Take out the debut because it has nothing to do with an ending, it's a beginning and it's weird being put together that way. Do you know what I mean? Maybe you could shift it to somewhere during the beginning where you actually start talking about the snowflakes.
Dinner’s on the table. It’s the night before Christmas Eve; everything is set. Large gold and red balls hang off the Christmas tree, garlands and the angel at the top. The children heave a sigh of relief. Santa will be pleased.

You have this thing where your flow and description is nice and then you stop and put in a short sentence. "Santa will be pleased." I'm not sure whether what direction you want to go through. In the beginning I had a feeling this was going to be like deep prose with lots of wordy description with similes and metaphors but then you dump in a bit of simplicity here and there and it throws me off. Could just be me though.
For them, they had bought large gifts, depriving themselves of expensive wine and beautiful clothes. For them, Christmas would live on and life would be as it was.

Expensive wine and beautiful clothes would be the last thing I would think of if I were in this situation.
They’re tired. The arguments begin ‘We shouldn’t have bought that trip, I didn’t want to anyway’ says the mother, ‘Well, you didn’t feel that way before’ says the father, ‘I didn’t mind, but honestly, it was pointless’ replies the mother ‘You always have to complain don’t you?’ says the father. They turn away. Walk away from each other. The fire watches. It laughs gleefully. No one notices.

This dialogue is a bit pointless. I'd just leave out the things they say and actually write that there was an argument heard downstairs or something because this bit seems out the bunch and stands out. Also, you should have broken up the lines when the character changed.

Overall


Let me start by saying that you have good piece here. I like the story but honestly, it was just too sad for me to actually believe it was real. This is a problem and it hurts the realism that you had painted in the beginning of the story. Everything is pessimistic and for a story that is Christmas-themed it isn't really lifting any holiday spirits. Now, that isn't much of a big problem because disasters happen but it was like so many bad things pushed into a short story that it was hard feeling their pain. Yes, I did feel a little bit bad but it didn't hit me as much as I would've liked. A way for you to achieve that level of emotion, you might want to make this longer and dig deeper in the children's mind as well as the parents and explain their problems and how it affects their daily lives or something.

As far as you grammar and punctuation goes, there weren't many things that I needed to pick out so that's another ten points. ^^ You have a pretty good understanding of where to place your commas and such so that only helped me read your piece more fluently. Just take in what I said about the line breaks in that dialogue there because it was tad hard to keep pace with who was saying what without having to read it slowly or twice.

Other than that, I really don't have much to add that hasn't been said by Shubhi already. Good job, I think with some more description and length this can go further. Hopefully they have a happy ending, since it seemed unfinished.

-Shear

P.S. You wanted title suggestion and I would name this "Melting Snowflake" for obvious reasons. Okay, I'm super bad at titles, especially when it's not my own work but since you asked for a suggestion, I should give you one, no? ^^
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