Aurora Lloyd

So this is a little segment from the first chapter of my story i'm writing. Feedback would be greatly appreciated, for i've tried to write this part several times and i'm never sure if my pacing is right.







There's a pounding on her bedroom door. The purple wood bounces out of it's frame with the force of impact. She bounces up out of the sheets of black, sending them flying into the oblivion that was her room. It was happening again. He was here again.

Sweat mopped her face, her blonde hair was ratted, her body sore. She rose from her bed, her movements betraying the commands she sent to them. She wanted to crawl back into bed, go to sleep again, prevent it this time. But she was helpless. She could feel it. Like a taste deep in the pit of her stomach. It was him.

Bang, Bang

The door burst away from it's frame again, pulsing out to her as she jumped and shook. Her shakes were more like violent tremors, uncontrollable and unpreventable through her body. Her feet were carrying her towards the growing purple door, closer, and closer she was getting. “Aurora! Please no!” The voice of a woman echoed around the room repeatedly, overlapping itself. Mommy?

She was at the door now. Her eyes widened as her hand reached for the gleaming golden handle, her hand was shaking. “Not my baby!” This time it was a mans voice, he was desperate, pleading. His voice overlapped in an echoed whisper with the woman's. Daddy I'm scared!

Just as her fingers skimmed the surface of the handle, the door slammed open, throwing her back, onto the ground. She landed with a thud, the floor hard and uncaring against her back. Mommy daddy please! Help me! Tears now streamed down her face as she looked up at the door. It loomed over her, and now open, a silhouette stood in the bright light from outside. The person was large, looming over me by feet.


“Hello.” His sneer boomed around the infinite space, It was cold, hard and disguising, sending a tremor through her body. Oh god. It slithered like a snake, traveling through her spine and chilling every nerve in it's path.

Please no...

He started walking towards her, boots sending earthquakes through the space with each step. She was frozen, glued to my spot and all she could do was stare up at him, staking her like prey, sizing her up like a cobra his next meal. Reaching for her.


“Aurora!” With a large gasp of air Aurora bolted up from her sleep. Sweat covered her whole body, tears streamed down her face and her eyes were large and searching. It didn't take long to look and see her friend Victoria kneeling beside her on the mattress. Victoria's hands were on her shoulders, holding her tightly. She looked scared, almost afraid for Aurora.

“Tori...” Aurora's strangled whisper cracked, morphing into a sob. She tired to hide it, she really did, but sometimes it was too hard, even for the strongest of them. Tori took one more look at her friend and enveloped her in a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around Aurora's body.

“It's okay Aurora, It's okay now.” Aurora's sobs were muffled by Tori's chest, the thin material of the tank top she wore wasn't helping much though. To anybody else it would seem weird, two teenage girls sleeping in the same bed, holding each other. But to them it was normal, to them it was life.

For the longest time, four years, they were all each other had. Tori was popular at school really, well popular among the normal people at least, and sure she had many friends. But none of them were like this, none of them were close like Aurora was. In 7th grade Aurora had moved to the school, she was the new girl. And of course Tori took pity on her so they had talked. And over the years the girls had formed a friendship, a bond, they were like sisters, but more.

They were both attractive, pretty, but neither of them had ever really had boyfriends. And sure they had a clique of friends at school to be with, but really they understood each other best. So they did everything for one another. They celebrate birthday's with one another, they sleep in the same bed with one-another, and – like now – they comfort one another when nobody else can.

It was really only a few months ago that Tori had found out about the nightmares. Just like now they were having a sleepover and Aurora had had the nightmares. That's something you don't go through without explaining. So she had told Tori of the dreams, step by step. And now, whenever they were together, Tori would comfort her, shield her from the shadows in the past.

It didn't take long for the girls to fall back asleep, and the rest of the night they slept peacefully, being close to each other kept the nightmares away, for now. When they woke in the morning, the girls got dressed in their uniforms and went to the kitchen to get some quick breakfast. Their uniforms were pretty simple. A white button-up with a red jumper-dress over it. There was also a red ribbon to go under the collar of the shirt.

As they got into the kitchen Aurora caught a glimpse of herself in the microwave door. Long, white-blonde hair was brushed behind her ear, revealing a stunning pair of green eyes in a face of paled skin. The paleness of her skin reminded her of a cloud, soft and flowing, seamless, but then there were patches, patches that didn't match. The most obvious of them being on her cheekbone, a long three and-a-half inch of silver scar was visible along her right cheekbone. She saw the scar in her reflection and immediately pulled her bangs back into her face, covering it.

After pouring themselves bowls of captain crunch, they turned the radio on and sat at the kitchen table. Aurora glanced up at Victoria from her bowl. She was perfect, but only in others' eyes. Truth was that Tori hated her beautiful curling honey blonde hair (hated the fact that it could only be compared to Taylor Swift's), but then she never voiced her opinion on her pixie-like face, her stark grey eyes, her itsy bitsy waist.

“Shit!” she was taken out of her trance by Tori's sudden explanation. “I forgot to do my Spanish homework. Can I copy yours?” she looked at her with the 'puppy dog' eyes. Sadly she used them so much Aurora had become essentially immune, but decided to let her do it anyway.

“Well...I guess,” Tori's face lit up like a Christmas tree, “but you owe me. I'll give it to you at lunch.”

“Okay, I love you so much right now.” Tori rose from the stool at the table and grabbed her bowl, she moved over to the sink, but not before giving Aurora a kiss on the cheek. “I'll buy you a bag of chips to make up for it.”

After they had both finished their cereal, they grabbed their bags and left the house. It was still September and perfect weather, so there was no need for a coat as they walked a block over to the bus stop. They walked side-by-side there and once they were at the little blue sign, they stopped and sat on the curb, waiting for the large yellow vehicle to roll up.

Okay, firstly I liked the dream part better than the rest. (Actually I loved the dream part.) But the second part had too much explanation about things that could be shown later on, about their friends and what they're like at school-more tell than show. A bit of background might need to be explained about the dreams, but you could do it through dialogue.

A few things really bugged me:

sending them flying into the oblivion that was her room.

not sure what this metaphor was supposed to mean?

her movements betraying the commands she sent to them.

what do you mean by 'them'? I'm guessing you mean her arms or legs, but you didn't make this clear.

I don't see how the door could be shoved open twice.

His sneer boomed around the infinite space.

If it's a bedroom, with four walls and a ceiling, I don't think the space could be 'infinite'.

To anybody else it would seem weird, two teenage girls sleeping in the same bed, holding each other.

I'm always sleeping in the same bed as my mates when I stay at their place And if my friend had a nightmare, I'd be hugging them too. People aren't going to find this weird unless you call it that.

They walked side-by-side there and once they were at the little blue sign, they stopped and sat on the curb, waiting for the large yellow vehicle to roll up.

This sentence was too long, and a little boring. There were a few other metaphors and descriptions that didn't really make sense.

So apart from that, I did like it, and I'll be looking forward to the second part

The dream part, its suppose to be like one of those warped, abstract dreams. I don't really know another way to explain it. So the space is infinite because she knows its her room, knows that the dream always takes place here, but in the dream it's just basically her bed and the door, thats all the room is. Kind of think of those dreams where the furniture starts to talk, and weird things like that. I'm kind of spoiling somethi but the dream is really a warped twisted memory so... If that helps.

And me and ny friends do this too, but I always imagined that other people would find it weird so, that's why that's in there.

Sorry I feel like I have to explain myself to you...which I understand the dream was confusing, it was supposed to be a little.