Part of the Night-Prologue

Hey guys! This itself is a work in progress! More detail and emmotion will certainly be added, just as soon as I know if it's even worth pursuing!



There was once a time when the name “Contair” could cause a smile on its listeners faces to blossom within seconds. That name was well known and still is today, just not for the same reasons. The Contairs were known for ruling their settlement with care and a generous eye. To the city of Witfar it seemed as if their days would forever be full of joy and happiness.
So the Contairs blessed their city with a daughter named Saskia, she was an innocent precious girl with the most luscious black hair. The people of the city adored her and wished for her to have a long happy life, wishing she could be protected from the world for as long as possible. So the Contairs lived together in peace for eight dazzling years.
During those years Saskia would stand upon her balcony and gaze down at the city and watch all its lights sparkle under the night sky.
However there was darkness at work in the city, secret gatherings and plots going on in the deepest midst of the city.
When the night was at its darkest and most frightening a band of thieves set out for the Contair household. The Contairs were all well asleep, except for Saskia whom was gazing at the stars searching for the constellations.
Stealthily the five thieves crept into humongous house, heading straight for Mr and Mrs Contairs bed chamber. Saskia could hear the people creeping down the hall and went to her closed door and whispered faintly “Daddy?”
A man kicked open her door and snickered despicably as he entered her room smashing everything he saw to bits. Dust flew by her eyes as she tried to shield them from his destruction and intolerable stench.
She was able to run out to her balcony and hide herself before she was spotted. As she listened to the destruction inside her chambers all she could do was bite her lower lip to keep from yelling out. Suddenly another muscular man with tattoos covering his entire face entered the room and yelled to the tall man,
“Come on! That’s enough, we need to continue on with the mission.” The tall man snorted and knocked over one more thing before following the man out. Saskia curled up in a ball outside not daring to enter the room.
All she could do was listen in despair as the men continued on their mission. She didn’t have to wait long to learn what that was, as she heard the shrieks and moans of her beloved parents. Abruptly the yells stopped and she heard herself cry out.
The men ran out of the house, as they ran they destroyed everything in sight and light the house on fire. Saskia, smelling the smoke, dashed from her balcony and through her room. A massive fire greeted her as she tried to leave her room, burning her hand. She cried out in desperation longing to feel her fathers soothing arms hold her.
Suddenly the fire grew in height and began to roar. Threatening to swallow her up so in fright her small legs ran for the exit. She fell down the steps, scraping her elbows and knees. By the time she got outside her hair was knotted and she had the appearance of a vagabond.
As soon as she reached the bottom she rolled into a bush where she laid in silence. Smoke from her house filled her nose then she allowed her tears to flow down her cheeks as each one slowly hit the grass. Then all she saw was darkness as she passed out. When she awoke she was had learned two things.
That the night sky was never to be trusted, and that her name was no longer Saskia Contair. It was Saskia Night.

And that was the night I, Saskia Night, left the light and joined the night.

There was once a time when the name “Contair” could cause a smile on its listeners faces to blossom within seconds.

The opening line seems just a little cluttered.
There was once a time when the name "Contain" would cause a person to smile.

That name was well known and still is today, just not for the same reasons.

This goes without saying you've already given us a great impression in the first sentence. You can cut this line.

To the city of Witfar it seemed as if their days would forever be full of joy and happiness.

Comma after Witfar

So the Contairs blessed their city with a daughter named Saskia,

The 'So' is unnecessary.
The Contairs blessed their city with a daughter name Saskia, an innocent, precious girl with the most luscious black hair. The people adored her, and the Contairs lived in peace for eight dazzling years.

During those years Saskia would stand upon her balcony and gaze down at the city and watch all its lights sparkle under the night sky.
However there was darkness at work in the city, secret gatherings and plots going on in the deepest midst of the city.
When the night was at its darkest and most frightening a band of thieves set out for the Contair household. The Contairs were all well asleep, except for Saskia whom was gazing at the stars searching for the constellations.

To me, you can leave out the part explaining how the city was overcome by darkness, and just jump right into the story. I mean don't say 'the city has recently been overcome by bad guys' and then have a bunch of bad guys make their way in on the scene. Set up the scene, it was in the dead of night, and Saskia was searching for constellations like she usually does, and sees the most peculiar thing. Thieves! It makes it a bit more exciting, I think.

Stealthily the five thieves crept into humongous house, heading straight for Mr and Mrs Contairs bed chamber. Saskia could hear the people creeping down the hall and went to her closed door and whispered faintly “Daddy?”

I'd expect a bit more emotion from Saskia. I'd be freaking out if it were me.

A man kicked open her door and snickered despicably as he entered her room smashing everything he saw to bits.

Generally, thieves tend to be more sneaky and quiet. I doubt they'd risk making this much noise.

Saskia curled up in a ball outside not daring to enter the room.

Comma after outside.

Suddenly the fire grew in height and began to roar. Threatening to swallow her up so in fright her small legs ran for the exit. She fell down the steps, scraping her elbows and knees.

Suddenly, the fire grew in height and began to roar, threatening to swallow her up. Saskia forced her trembling legs forward as she ran for the exit, stumbling down the steps, scraping her elbows and knees.

That the night sky was never to be trusted, and that her name was no longer Saskia Contair. It was Saskia Night.

And that was the night I, Saskia Night, left the light and joined the night.

I don't really get how Saskia thought her name should be changed, she just woke up and couldn't know whether or not her family was dead.



I really liked this!! I had great pictures in my head all the way through; a beautiful city, a starlit mansion, a black-haired girl overlooking the balcony. I was confused at first how old she was, I imagined her to be around seventeen, but later on it felt more like seven.

I think you have the ability to make this prologue a bit longer, and really bring out the details of her house, the thieves, her parents, and Saskia herself. I felt like the whole scene was over too fast;I wish you would've spent a bit longer describing it, because I would've loved hearing more about it. That's really my only complaint

I imagine the rest will be written in 1st person, so I'm eager to find out how that will be. Could you PM me when you post new chapters?

Thanks for the great read!
~blacksheep

There was once a time when the name “Contair” could cause a smile on its listeners faces to blossom within seconds.

This feels a bit awkward. I would suggest altering the segment on its listeners faces, because, after all, the name doesn't speak to people - the name is spoken. Try on the faces of those who heard it, instead.

During those years Saskia would stand upon her balcony and gaze down at the city and watch all its lights sparkle under the night sky. However there was darkness at work in the city, secret gatherings and plots going on in the deepest midst of the city.

I really like the second line, but I feel like the first line needs to be elaborated upon. Why does she like to look at the city lights? Even if the reason is simple, I think it would add a lot, especially regarding character. Since you reveal at the end that it is Saskia herself who is narrating this in third person, it would make sense to add in more of her personality.

The Contairs were all well asleep, except for Saskia whom was gazing at the stars searching for the constellations.

Grammatically, it should be who there, rather than whom.

A man kicked open her door and snickered despicably as he entered her room smashing everything he saw to bits. Dust flew by her eyes as she tried to shield them from his destruction and intolerable stench.

I love this line great imagery!

All she could do was listen in despair as the men continued on their mission. She didn’t have to wait long to learn what that was, as she heard the shrieks and moans of her beloved parents. Abruptly the yells stopped and she heard herself cry out.

This comes off as a little awkward. It makes sense, I understand what you're saying, but your wording is a little confusing.

As soon as she reached the bottom she rolled into a bush where she laid in silence. Smoke from her house filled her nose then she allowed her tears to flow down her cheeks as each one slowly hit the grass. Then all she saw was darkness as she passed out.

Again, the first part is awesome, but the last line sounds odd. I think you should cut out the Then at the beginning of the last sentence, to help it flow.

When she awoke she was had learned two things.
That the night sky was never to be trusted, and that her name was no longer Saskia Contair. It was Saskia Night.

First off, a little typo - it should be she had, not she was had. Second, you shouldn't be starting a new paragraph there, since you are continuing off of what was said in the previous line. I would suggest putting a semi-colon or dash after she had learned two things rather than a period, and making That the night sky... onward part of that sentance.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. It's an engaging prologue, and I'm really interested to see what happens next!

I like the tone you've set, and it's a good start to Saskia's story. That said, watch the use of the word so, and your punctuation could use some work. Commas, commas, commas. When used correctly, commas are our friends. For example, this:

A man kicked open her door and snickered despicably as he entered her room smashing everything he saw to bits.

Becomes this:

A man kicked open her door and snickered despicably as he entered her room, smashing everything he saw to bits.

Plot holes. Wouldn't the men destroying her room search for her? How did she see them but they didn't see her, when they first entered her room? Wouldn't the balcony be one of the first places they would look? Also, wouldn't the men coming to kill the Contairs want to make as little noise as possible? I understand the fire - they would want to destroy evidence - but the rest doesn't add up.

The changing of her name was kind of random, at the end there. I understand you were going for dramatic effect, and with some tweaking I do think you can pull it off. Use the word night just once, if you can. Example:

I left the name Contair behind. I joined the night and never looked back.

Not a good example - in fact it's quite horrid - but you see the point I'm trying to get across, I hope.

Keep writing. I'm interested in seeing where Saskia has ended up.

I liked the begining... that line about smiles blossoming or whatever? That I really enjoyed. Great imagery.

However... then the flow gets a bit rocky. I like the story... but, it's a bit hard to folow...

I don't think that the thief should barge into her room... I'm sure it would be frightening enough to an eight year old girl if a scary man went into her room, and just sort of looked around... you know, like, because he was seeing if anyone was there, and she went and hid on the balcony then? Yeah... I think that would probably work better.

I also think you should add more about how upset Saskia was after her parents were murdered... and what exactly made her change her name? That part is kind of confusing as well...

The story is really interesting! Keep writing, I want to know what happens!

--
TabbyGirl

It took me a while to get around to this, but I'm finally returning the favor for all your help on Trouble on the Homefront!

First, the dreaded nitpicks.

However there was darkness at work in the city, secret gatherings and plots going on in the deepest midst of the city.

It's redundant to say 'city' twice. Sort of throws off the flow of the sentence. Touch this one up a bit.

Also, in the beginning, you refer to her home as a settlement. Then you go to city. I don't know if you mean to, but it sounds inconsistent, as a settlement usually isn't thought of as a city, but more a little encampment/town. Know what I mean? Just take another look at that.

Also, I know the thieves come and set the house on fire, and Saskia hears her parents scream (which by the way, I'd like to see embellished. What are they screaming? Are there sounds of a struggle? What?), but I think an eight-year-old girl wouldn't be quite astute enough to know what was going on right away, or would at least be in denial. Maybe you should have a scene where she sees the thieves run out, and goes to see what happened to her parents (embellish very much, if you decide to do it!), and then the fire grows and she runs away. Just a thought. By the way, what does the fire look like? All I can imagine from your descriptions are a big blob of yellow and orange (well, just a fire, not very impressive). Jazz it up! Really show us what the fire looks like as it engulfs the house!

General rule: maybe I'm wrong here, but you seem to do a lot of telling in much of the prologue, while only showing (quite lightly) in others. This was my biggest challenge writing Trouble on the Homefront, and it's still a challenge as I continue to write. But one thing I've learned through all my feedback is to let the characters and th environment talk for me. I, as the author/narrator want to be as detached as humanly possible. Let us see what Saskia sees, and really describe for us what it is that's going on through her eyes. A good rule I follow is when I feel like I have too much description, I probably have around just enough, or the slightest bit too much (it's always easy to describe less, haha).

Now the goodies (yay!):

First of all, I just love the name Contair! It really evokes the theme of fantasy, and I loved hearing it every time it was written! I'm jealous I didn't think of it first.

Second, this is a great prologue in general, as it really gives a good intense action that you want to find out more about. It is a little short though, and Saskia or the thieves, or her parents aren't really fleshed out. I'm not saying I'm not interested in them, but I don't really find myself feeling sorry for Saskia, or missing her parents. Make them likable! Really give them three dimensions!

Third, you have my attention. I want to know what happens next, so you've really got a lot to follow up on. Your writing style is good, and I think you have a lot of potential here. I really want to find out what Saskia means when saying, "joined the night." But I'd also really like to find out why this is such a transformation. What was she like before her new philosophy?

All and all, this is a really great start to what I hope is an even greater story! Keep me posted, and I'll keep reading!
- SOCKS

Okay, so it seems the whole grammar has been covered already so I'll skip that part for both of our sakes considering I don't know how much help I would be anyways. I like the idea and plot of this, it's much different from a lot of the things being written right now. It's creative and unique wich draws me in and then interesting enough to keep my attention. The only thing I suggest is maybe editing it since a few of the sentences sound a bit akward and run on. Other then that, I really enjoyed reading this and can't wait to read more.

Hello, It's review day I was originally going to review chapter 2 but since I'm here I might as well do the prologue as well.

The beginning has a nice fairytale, storytelling feel, I'm not the biggest fan of this as I'm a strong believe in 'show not tell' and the 'fairytale' style is all about showing.But this is a prologue so I suppose its fine.

The action sequence isn't bad I just felt it was a little sudden, you have the potential to create some suspense and really thrill us.

Suddenly another muscular man with tattoos covering his entire face entered the room and yelled to the tall man,

Full stop Also try and stay away from stereotypes, keep your characters a little grey ( no Mary Sues, no purely evil or purely good people) I know this is just a prologue and I really don't know your characters yet but its a common occurrence.
Your beginning with a murder meaning your really have potential to start with a bang. Personally I think you could have actually done the murder its self with more flair, it is a murder but the aftermath was done very well. The twist in the end is also very good.

I general this was a great way to start a story, you have really give the reader a good insite into your main character.