Part of a novel I'm writing.

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Hello everyone. Recently, my friend and I have been writing novels that will eventually lead into one another, and I thought I should share some of chapter 3.(: I thought it would be good to have some feedback.

Spoiler
So, basically this girl named Bridget Halloway is a vampire and lives in a small town. Not much more has happened. Also, Bridget doesn't want to get in any relationship with a human. Don't worry, it's not going to be at all similar to Twilight. (:





School. Oh joy. It’s really sad, actually. My school, like I said earlier, is small. Super small. Four halls small.

I look at my Juicy watch and see its 7:45. My outfit of the day is a classic cute skater with turquoise Vans, loosely fitting skinny jeans, and a turquoise v-neck with a white tank top underneath. On my wrist are several bracelets, all silver as well as diamond studs in my ears. Like always, my heart necklace around my neck. Today, I curled my hair, adding flare.

Coach purse in hand, backpack on back, keys curled around my fingers, I walk out the front door. Lyra was still getting ready and I didn’t want to waste time waiting for her. The sleek black Mazda beeps and I slid into the driver’s seat. I start it and slid out of the drive. Just like any other school day, I go down the same ole’ winding road then to the main street that gets me to Cle Elum-Roslyn High School. CERHS for short.

The parking lot is much fuller now than Friday, but it still isn’t packed. Not even close. I park my car next to the only Hummer in the parking lot and laugh slightly to myself. The two nicest cars by each other. What a coincidence. I lock my car, making sure that I have my keys, and walk into the school building.

The senior hallway. You would imagine a hallway so large, but nope. Not here. There are actually more lockers than needed. Much more. Around 45% of students seem to drop out by senior year. Normally you start out with ninety students in your class freshmen year. Then you end up with fifty. It’s sad.

Take a left. There is the junior hallway which is only a few yards long, then the commons. Since I am here abnormally early, there aren’t a humongous amount of people. I find the table that I usually sit at and slump my stuff on the table. The few amount of students here look at me strangely, and continue their conversations or homework that they forgot about. I roll my eyes and get out some paper.

“Hey London.” Is it? Could it be?

“Hey, Logan,” I say irritably. Logan, a sophomore like me, is a player. He will pick up on any girl near him, only if she is somewhat attractive. He is the one who started calling me London. It first started off as Bridget. Then Bridge. Next was London Bridge, and now just London. Some transformation, huh?

“You don’t sound too thrilled.” Logan smiles and sits down across from me.

“Oh, you just so get me. You must be the one!” I give him a fake smile and batting of lashes, then acting like I am gagging myself.

Logan gives me a blank stare with a half smile, then says, “I like your shirt.”

I almost bust out in laughter, but hold it in. “I’m sure you do. If you want one, you can go to Pac-Sun and get one.” I now have a pencil out and are somewhat studying for Spanish which I have for third.

“Wow, what did I do?” Logan takes away my paper.

“Hey! That’s not nice!” I reach at empty air. This is something that I could totally beat him at in a second with my speed, but I don’t want to risk him finding out.

“Hey, I’m not the one acting like a bitch, London. Say something nice and I will give it back.” Logan holds the paper high in the air.

I glare into his dark green eyes, not blinking. He raises an eyebrow at me, waiting.

“Fine. You have cool hair. Now give it back.” I reach for the paper. Logan just holds it higher.

“Nope. That’s not good enough.” Logan smiles even wider.

“Wipe that smile off your face,” I say, holding out my pencil so that the tip is pointing at him.

“London, you aren’t going to get your paper back with that attitude.” Logan wiggles the paper in a taunt.

I sigh, “Fine. You have an amazing personality.” This is obviously a lie.

“Really? That means so much,” Logan says sarcastically, tossing me back my paper.

“Bridge! What’s up?”

Shoot me now.

“Lyra, what are you doing here so early?” I ask, thinking of ways to get her to leave.

“My mom dropped me off early so I could hang out with you.” Lyra sits right next to me, then turns to look at Logan, smiling like a school girl. The look on Logan’s face makes me roll my eyes. There he goes, hitting on a poor, innocent freshmen. Lyra seems to enjoy it, really.

“Do you know how heavy polar bears are?” Logan says, turning his direction to Lyra.

Lyra giggles, then says, “No.”

“Enough to break the ice. Hey, how are you?” Logan gets out a piece of gum.

This is too much. I turn into a laughing fool, unable to stop.

“That’s...that’s the...cheesiest thing I.... I have ever... heard!” I say between laughs.

Once I’m done, I wipe away the tears from my eyes that formed from my laughter. Logan and Lyra don’t look amused.

“Well, uh, okay then. Bye.” I pack up all my stuff and leave. Wow, I have managed to ditch both of them Success!

I find a semi-empty table and take a seat. At my school, I’m the one that just sits wherever
and no one cares. It has advantages. Like before, I take out my Spanish stuff and manage to study some. It’s crazy how in a matter of several minutes that the once empty commons is filled with the students of CERHS. Everyday, I have to suffer with hearing every bit and piece of conversation, most of it is useless to me. I try my best to zone out of it all.

“Did you see the new kids?”

“The new kids look like punks to me.”

“Where did they come from?”

“Oh my god, they are so hot.”

What? What’s this talk about a new kid? Let the games begin.

I slam my book shut, annoyed with the talk about the new kids that we are supposedly going to have. Those poor suckers. Digging in my backpack, I find my iPod and start playing it so it will drown out the surrounding students outrageously loud voices, or to me they are.

A small tap on my shoulder. I turn slowly, hoping that... Ugh, it’s the barnacle.

“Yeah?” I take out a headphone.

“Hey, I’m sorry if you have a... crush on Logan and I hurt your feelings.” Lyra sits down next to me, looking sincere and pleading. Wow, she really is as dumb as I thought she was. Bravo to me.

“No, I don’t like him. Have fun,” I say and tune her out with headphones. Bored with me, she leaves to pester another innocent victim. Mason walks by, smiling at me. I smile back. He doesn’t annoy me as much. Mason doesn’t poke and prod at me, trying to get me to talk to him or anything. Unlike Lyra. Also, Mason is fun to talk to sometimes.

Through the music blaring in my ears, the obnoxious school bell rings out over everyone’s voice, signaling first period. Off to math. Like many sophomores, I have geometry.

I pack up all my things, students moving at a fast pace next to me. Careful not to mess with the balance of the hallways, I break through, going into my “lane”, narrowly avoiding the junior lockers. Take a right. Go straight for a about ten feet, then another right and... voila Math class. Mrs. Dell is at her desk, grading papers. I slip into a empty seat while there is some chatter about the new kids. What is it with this school and new kids? More and more students file in, taking their places.

Hannah Reese sits next to me. She is definitely and acquaintance of mine.

“Hey, Bridge, did we have homework this weekend?” Hannah asks while taking out her math spiral.

“Um, don’t think so. We had the test Friday, so I doubt it,” I say, getting out my own math.

Hannah is a dark brunette with hazel eyes with ridiculously long eyelashes. Her face is soft, slightly tanner than most here at the moment since her family went to Hawaii recently.

“Oh, right. I would be screwed if we did.” Hannah takes off her thin rain jacket.

The bell signaling the start of class echoes through the classroom. Mrs. Dell starts doing roll.

“Matt?”

“Here.”

“Kylee?”

“Hereee!”

“Sam?”

“Here.”

And on it goes. The teachers know us by name that they don't need to say our last name.
“Bridget?”

“Here,” I say.

Poor Hannah. She is always last or way down there with her “R” last name.

“Hannah?”

“Yes, I am here,” Hannah says.

“Great. Your all here.” Mrs. Dell walks to the front of the room. Like always, she gives us our work for the week, then we work on it. Easy as pie. If we have questions, she will help us.

I immediately start on my weekly assignment.

“Did you see the new kids yet?” Hannah asks, not looking up from her math.

“No, I have not,” I say with a hint of annoyance.

“You got to. They are like off the charts.” Hannah smiles.

“That’s what I’ve heard.”

“I know that one of their names is Noah... Noah... I can’t remember.” Hannah sits up, then asks Mrs. Dell, “What’s the new kid’s last name?”

“Um, let me look...” Mrs. Dell checks her computer, clicks on a few things, then says, “Phantom. Noah is the sophomore, Casper is a junior.”

“That’s a badass last name, isn’t it?” Hannah says a little too loudly.

“Hannah, language please,” Mrs. Dell warns.

“Right.” Hannah leans close to me and whispers, “That’s a badass last name, isn’t it?”

I laugh. Hannah is always funny when she doesn’t mean to be.

“What? It is.” Hannah sits back and jots some numbers on her paper.

“Yeah, it is.” I smile.

“How does Hannah Phantom sound?” Hannah flips her head in a dramatic way, her hair swishing away from her face almost like the wind blew it back.

“Really?” I ask, laughing.

“Fine... How about Bridget Phantom.” Hannah squints, thinking hard about the name. “Actually, it doesn’t sound that bad. Bridget Phantom. It has a certain ring to it.”

“No, no, no.” I shake my head.

“Yes! You two are going to be perfect together.” Hannah smiles evilly, probably already planning Noah and my blind date.

“Ladies, you can talk, but don’t shout.” Mrs. Dell gives us a look.

“Sorry,” Hannah says over her shoulder.

“Don’t. Don’t even think about it,” I say.

“Why not?” Hannah whines.

“Just... no. He could be a total creeper for all I know,” I say.

“No, that’s not possible for how hot he is.”

“Wait, what one are we talking about?” I ask, realizing there are two Mr. Phantoms.

“Noah, I think. Either one.” Hannah writes on my paper. Because her hand is blocking it, I can’t read it until she is done. Once it’s done, she shows me. Hannah... Of course, it’s a heart with Noah’s name and mine in a little heart on my paper. In pen.

“Asshole,” I say and scribble it out with my own pen.

“You can’t run away from destiny.” Hannah makes a gooey face like you would see in a cheesy romantic movie.

Destiny? I haven’t even met him. How is it destiny?”

“It just is. Don’t ignore it, Bridget Halloway. Don’t ignore this. It could be a sign!” Hannah grips my arm, not hurting me in anyway.

“A sign to what? That I could have him, but I can’t?” I say.

“No, that’s not true. You are amazingly beautiful.” Hannah is almost pleading now.

Hannah knows that I don’t have any “luck” with guys, but that’s all she knows. Not the true reason why I don’t date. Anyone.

“Yeah, but no. It won’t work out.” I try to end the conversation by getting back to work.

Hannah pauses, then says, “But come on! You have nothing to loose, my friend.” Hannah tries getting in my face to show that she is still here.

“Hannah...” I say, wanting it to let it go.

“You are going to meet him and like it,” Hannah says with finality.

“No, don’t-” I say.

“Bridget, don’t argue. At lunch,” Hannah says, smiling.

Oh God.


Thanks for reading! Tell me if you like it.(:
Katie ^-^




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Alright, so, I'm going to approach another cliche I see here.
THe rich, mary-sue-istic Vampire cliche.
Why?
Although you don't outrightly say that she/her family is rich, I can see it in certian places.

On my wrist are several bracelets, all silver as well as diamond studs in my ears.


Coach purse in hand


The sleek black Mazda beeps


The two nicest cars by each other.


Like in those places.
Ask yourself, does she need a Mazda? or all silver jewelry?
Making your MC have all nice things ups the Mary-Sue quality.

~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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I defenitly had fun reading it!
I liked how you handled so many characters at once. I can't do that, I always forget what my characters names are, how importaant they are in the book, what they look like and what their personality is.
And...I can never think of names.
So, your much better off than me.
Plus I love your main character's personatily.




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I really do like this but just a few changes could be made :/
School. Oh joy. It’s really sad, actually. My school, like I said earlier, is small. Super small. Four halls small. You don't have to repeat yourself if you already told them or you could say.
( School, yey. It's actually really boring. My school as i said it's small to small.) Just a suggestion. :)
playing with fire water



Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter