Blind

Spoiler

This was a poem I made last year. It was an assignment I had to do, and I am curious to see what others think of this. I forgot what I got on it in school. Sorry it's a little long, I had to have at least 6 stanzas. If anyone would "grade" it, that would be appreciated as well! I accept comments, criticism, and all that other good stuff.

A black rose has lost its first petal,
falling into the dark, restless night.
Withering slowly but surely, it begins its descent,
to the fields of despair.
The fields of death.

It was then I became blind to the world,
blind to the events around me.
All I saw was him.
His limp body, his dark rustled hair.
His eyes that used to stare at me hungrily,
His soft lips that used to caress me,
drawing me closer to him with each passing moment.
But all I see now is a face with no emotion.

A black rose has lost its second petal,
falling into the black, charred ground.
A voice whispers to me, pleading for me to run,
pleading me to look back.
But I do nothing.
I am as still as the body in front of me,
still as a statue standing on a moonlit night.
I do not see the shadows that lurk in every corner,
watching, waiting, grinning at my carelessness.

I am blind to the world,
blind to the events around me.
All I saw was him.
His limp body, his dark rustled hair.
His eyes, which used to be hungry, staring me down.
His soft lips that caressed me,
drawing me closer to him with each passing moment.
But all I see now is a face with no emotion.

A black rose has lost its third petal,
falling from the gloomy sky.
Death slowly catches up to me,
but I do not see it.
I shakily stand up from his grave,
and walk slowly to my house.
I take my last look at him,
my last look at the world.

I do not see the black eyes that stare me down.
These eyes are filled with a different hunger I do not expect.
I do not hear the steps coming toward me,
silently but quickly in this dark night.
I do not taste the foul mist
that has begun to surround me.
I do not smell his presence,
his faint perfume that smelled of blood.
As the last petal falls from the black rose,
I do indeed feel the sharp knife that strikes my back.

I was blind to this world,
blind to the events around me.
I now feel the blood flowing out of my body
and onto the solid ground.
I now see my killer who wore a black coat,
a black hat, black boots.
He sets a black rose on my chest.
I know it will wither slowly but surely.
I take one last look at this world,
one last look at this gloomy night.

Everything went black as the first petal wilted away.

Hey,

Grade - a solid B. The reason I would not give it an A is because you punctuation is very repetive and drags a bit, where as, it should flow more.

The analogy I use when talking about a poem is scales(As in the Libra star sign) One side is imagery the other emotion and the great poems are perfectly balanced. This is lobsided towards Imagery. You've tried to add emotion but it has come through weak such as ; I did nothing. You have perfect oppurtunities to put it such as I felt the knife enter my back or whatever the quote would be, emotion after that would be perfect. It feels very distance which is a shame as your imagery is beautiful. I would try and balance the scales to be honest with you.

PM me for anything.
keep it up

[Give me a shout if you edit and i'll look again]

~Retro Disco666

This is definately a poem filled with a lot of deep emotion. Of course there are things we can improve and many bits that are already very fantastic. There are a few areas where i was reading that I found myself looking over again because it lost its flow a little bit.
This is just one area I think you should consider reworking!

"His limp body, his dark rustled hair.
His eyes, which used to be hungry, staring me down. (maybe: His once hungry eyes, staring me down?) it's just a tad choppy I find
His soft lips that caressed me,
drawing me closer to him with each passing moment.
But all I see now is a face with no emotion."

I really liked how the words were so sullen, it really drawed me with the vocabulary. Also, the ending was a brilliant idea, sad poem but well done!
keep writing!
Em

(I'm not the best at constructive comments so bear with me.)

You seem to be like me, the only poems i can right are about someone getting murdured, maybe thats because of all the Criminal Minds I watch.

Anyways. I love it when people put a repeting part in their poem, it makes it more like a song. Adn...well I already told you I stink at reviews...
I can never find anything to say....
Oh well.

This is so intriguing!
You've got an awesome imagination. I love all of the words you chose, it all fits together perfectly and it seems to describe me pretty well in the sense that I used to be... BLIND to the world xxx

A black rose has lost its first petal,
falling into the dark, restless night.
Withering slowly but surely, it begins its descent,
to the fields of despair.
The fields of death. --- I love the imagery in this stanza.

It was then I became blind to the world,
blind to the events around me.
All I saw was him.
His limp body, his dark rustled hair.
His eyes that used to stare at me hungrily,
His soft lips that used to caress me, ---Wonderful adverbs, verbs, and adjectives in this stanza..
drawing me closer to him with each passing moment.
But all I see now is a face with no emotion.

A black rose has lost its second petal,
falling into the black, charred ground.
A voice whispers to me, pleading for me to run,
pleading me to look back.
But I do nothing.
I am as still as the body in front of me,
still as a statue standing on a moonlit night.
I do not see the shadows that lurk in every corner,
watching, waiting, grinning at my carelessness. ---At first I thought this person was a metaphor, but in either sense you did a good job describing it.

I am blind to the world,
blind to the events around me.
All I saw was him.
His limp body, his dark rustled hair.
His eyes, which used to be hungry, staring me down.
His soft lips that caressed me,
drawing me closer to him with each passing moment.
But all I see now is a face with no emotion.

A black rose has lost its third petal,
falling from the gloomy sky.
Death slowly catches up to me,
but I do not see it.
I shakily stand up from his grave,
and walk slowly to my house.
I take my last look at him,
my last look at the world.

I do not see the black eyes that stare me down.
These eyes are filled with a different hunger I do not expect. ---I liked how you used two meanings of hunger in this poem.
I do not hear the steps coming toward me,
silently but quickly in this dark night.
I do not taste the foul mist
that has begun to surround me.
I do not smell his presence,
his faint perfume that smelled of blood.
As the last petal falls from the black rose,
I do indeed feel the sharp knife that strikes my back. ---I also like how you used the rose as a symbol. Very Poe of you.

I was blind to this world,
blind to the events around me.
I now feel the blood flowing out of my body
and onto the solid ground.
I now see my killer who wore a black coat,
a black hat, black boots.
He sets a black rose on my chest. ---Again, with symbolism, the often mention of the color black is interesting.
I know it will wither slowly but surely.
I take one last look at this world,
one last look at this gloomy night.

Everything went black as the first petal wilted away.



Overall, I thought this poem was extremely well done. Good job.