Stars sequence. *Reviews really needed*

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The truth about stars

I remember when I
was six years old
and my grandma died,
I asked my mum where she went
and she just said the sky.

That night she came and sat with me,
on my small blue bed,
she pointed out the window,
to the stars then she said,
Grandma is resting up in the sky,
everyone will see her now
all through each night.

Now i'm much older,
and you rest in your bed.
You say you've chosen where your going
and that you don't have much time left.

The stars have taken you,
in the cold nightmare embrace.
They hold you too the heartless bosom,
and rob you from your wake.

So now everytime I see them,
I think only of you.
Your star is somewhere,
and when I see it,
I'll know it's you.

The drunken haze of the lost man

No new stars.
Just old.
Filled with lies,
drained of hope.

Poisoned nightmares,
memories gone.
Anger rising,
all is lost.

Called them up,
no new ones appeared.
She just died,
and that's it.

Drink is good.
Helps me sleep.
My mum has gone,
so I need help.

I hate all of them,
they personify the lie.
My pain will be over.
Once they leave the sky.

I'll get rid of the drink,
and ease the pain away,
I will have revenge on the stars,
one day.

Oh how I hate the stars

Oh how I hate the stars.
How they mock me in the night.
How they dance with the moon,
and cast a pitiful light.

Oh how I hate the twinkle,
the twinkle that they own,
I hate the way they give romantics,
the feeling that they're not alone.

The planets that relied on them,
the stars that I now see,
they can take them all back,
as they mean nothing to me.

Oh how I hate the stars,
such small pitiful things,
They ruin all the comfort,
that the darkness brings.

Spoiler
Any help what so ever will be muchly appreciated.
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Hello!! Rain here!!

So, I will review the first one first.

Red- Grammer mistakes
Blue- Things I think you should change to make the poem better, in my opinion, or from my expereance.
Pink/purple- Things I really like
Green- Aditional comments


The truth about stars

I remember when I << I would say to take this to the next line.
was six years old
and my grandma died,
I asked my mum where she went
and she just said the sky. Good starting stanza.

That night she came and sat with me,
on my small blue bed, << This line is kinda short and awkward sounding, maybe add to it, or just take it out.
she pointed out the window,
to the stars then she said,
Grandma is resting up in the sky,
everyone will see her now
all through each night.

Now i'm much older,Capitalize.
and you rest in your bed.
You say you've chosen where your going
and that you don't have much time left. << This line just sounds real awkward to me. Maybe try "and theres not much time left.

The stars have taken you,
in the cold nightmare embrace.
They hold you too the heartless bosom, Maybe change both of these to "their"
and rob you from your wake.

So now everytime I see them,
I think only of you.
Your star is somewhere,
and when I see it,
I'll know it's you. << Love the ending


Only think I'm unsure of is if it was you mother that had died.

Second one-

I really dan't have anything to say, I don't really like it, and I don't know really how you could fix it...

Third-

Oh how I hate the stars.
How they mock me in the night.
How they dance with the moon,
and cast a pitiful light. << Love this! Great beginning!

Oh how I hate the twinkle,
the twinkle that they own,
I hate the way they give romantics,
the feeling that they're not alone.
<< Love this part as well

The planets that relied on them,
the stars that I now see,
they can take them all back, how is this "they", the planets??
as they mean nothing to me.

Oh how I hate the stars,
such small pitiful things,
They ruin all the comfort,
that the darkness brings.


This one is my favorite, even though I disagree, I love the stars. But this being my favorite, even though I disagree says something I guess. I like the things you said that I had poined out, they made the poem really good.

Hope that helped, sorry I could help more...

~Rain~
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Theres always a rainbow after the Rain!!!!!!!




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retrodisco666 wrote:
Oh how I hate the stars,
such small pitiful things,
They ruin all the comfort,
that the darkness brings.


The last poem is very dark, but that makes it better. The last stanza of the last poem is my favorite. Just know, death is a part of life. Everyone dies.. but have faith. There is life afterwords.
"Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery!" - Jane Austen



The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe