The Ocean

The Ocean

Our boat crashes up and down,
A pawn being beaten by a king.
The waves surge over the bow,
Everything is soaked.
I feel the wind and sea,
The salt feels cold against my skin.
This is my kingdom,
I belong here,
In the ocean.

This is pretty good. The first four lines flow really well, with a nice rhythm, but I felt the lines after that was lagging. Probably because of this line:

I feel the wind and sea salt on my face,

It's just so long, compared to all of them, and the rest are shorter. Sometimes this works, but right now it doesn't. I'd either suggest shortening it, or dividing it up between lines to add a faster beat.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Thanks for editing!! I revised my poem, is it better now?

Yeah. But I think it would work just a teensy bit better if you replaced "feels" on the sixth line with "is." Could just be me thought. But this is good, I like it.

Something that I noticed, though, is your punctuation. Normally I wouldn't care, if say you did all commas, but since your'e separating it into sentences, I kinda want to point out some comma splices.

Our boat crashes up and down,
A pawn being beaten by a king.
The waves surge over the bow;
Everything is soaked.
I feel the wind and sea;
The salt feels cold against my skin.
This is my kingdom;
I belong here,
In the ocean.

Because they look just like two sentences connected by a comma, it's incorrect. You can add a semicolon, like I've done, or simply make them their own sentences with periods. Sorry to be so nitpicky, but it just looks wrong in my mind if there's only partial punctuation.

loveness, utlraviolet <3

Simply stated, but I think it's really effective. The second line feels a little awkwardly phrased to me, and I think that the imagery would sink in a bit more if you put another line elaborating on the metaphor after it, but it's really up to you. Also (this is totally personal preference), I think that if you have punctuated it as you would a sentence, it aesthetically looks better if you don't capitalize the first letter of each line, but only the ones that you would if it were a paragraph. That's totally just personal preference though.

Overall, nice piece.


-Coral-

Justagirl wrote:The Ocean

Our boat crashes up and down, for some odd reason I think it would sound better as "the" boat.
A pawn being beaten by a king.
The waves surge over the bow,
Everything is soaked.soaked in what?
I feel the wind and sea,
The salt feels cold against my skin.
This is my kingdom,
I belong here,
In the ocean.

Over all, I LOVED this poem, it was short but it had enough detail to make it memorable. I love the way you make me connect to the ocean in this poem you did a really good job.

Hey there, Justagirl! I'm Heather, and I'll be your reviewer. You have a decent poem here, though there are some bits that bother me - mostly with flow.

Our boat crashes up and down,

I have to agree with Remember. I think this line would sound better if you changed it to 'The boat'.

A pawn being beaten by a king.

Really, a pawn/king thing is so overused in poetry. I discovered this myself some time back when I wrote a poem about a pawn. It's something so commonly used and cliche at this point. >.<

The waves surge over the bow,

In my opinion, this line seems to just be here to attempt to rhyme with 'down' from the first line. The flow is rather off.

I feel the wind and sea,
The salt feels cold against my skin.

This part here seems a little odd. The *salt* feels cold? I don't think of salt as being something you could describe as cold. Perhaps the water or the salt water itself, but not really just the salt.

Overall:

This isn't a bad poem, but there certainly is room for improvement. I think the flow needs to be worked on, and some lines seem like they are just there for rhyming. Poems don't have to rhyme, and forced rhymes usually come across as pretty bad and break the flow. It's a good start though, and I believe you'll soon improve.

Good luck, feel free to ask me for any reviews or let me know if anything I said didn't make sense.

~Heather