Totally In Love

Beautiful, your face I find.
Here, stuck in my mind.
Making my heart twist and bind.
See... inside your name is signed.

Your laugh, it soothes me.
Your smile that caught me.
Girl, would you mind to see?
I'm in love with you, totally!

It's either fate or destiny,
or I should face the reality.
That you are nothing but a fantasy.
Please... someone tell me.

A strange feeling is being felt.
Try to break this, I know I can't.
Hear this feeling, to you I'll send.
This love is real and has no end.

Hey Iamjemo, I am Jash (lol) and I'll be giving you a review today--err--tonight. =)) But before that, I welcome you to YWS! =) Hope you're getting the hang around. Anyway, here goes my review:

I will be blunt: the deviation from proper syntax did not reach the effect I assume you would have wanted; and the rhyme was forced.

Beautiful, your face I find.
Here, stuck in my mind.

Here are the first two lines and it just doesn't get the reader's attention, at least mine.

Yes, yes; I will not argue with you. Poetry is not bind to grammar. But it just seemed force. Poetry should be nice to read, soothing to the ear.

Your smile that caught me.

This is confusing.

And the punctuations were just--out of place. O_o
They break the flow and do not add to style or whatever.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. And if I were confusing, but note, I was confused as well.

But anyway, I'm not gonna tell you to stop. Keep on writing and trying, and posting. Listen to the reviewers and you'll improve! =))

~ Jash ♥

P.S. I find the theme cliche. Sorry...PM me for questions.

It was deep and had a lot of meaning in the words. I liked the way that every line in each stanza ended rhyming in the las word of the first line. it was very clever.
Georgie x

iamjemo wrote:Beautiful, your face I find.
Here, stuck in my mind.
Making my heart twist and bind.
See... inside your name is signed. This line is a little weird, it doesn't seem like it's supposed to be here...

Your laugh, it soothes me.
Your smile that caught me.
Girl, would you mind to see?
I'm in love with you, totally!Totally is an awkward word in this poem.

It's either fate or destiny,
or I should face the reality,
that you are nothing but a fantasy.
Please, someone tell me.

A strange feeling is being felt.
Try to break this, I know I can't.
Hear this feeling, to you I'll send.
This love is real and has no end.

This poem doesn't seem very deep to me and I really like deep poems. It seems your sometimes trying to rhyme but much of the time your not rhyming..

Keep writing!!
Alzora