The Queen

Here comes the Queen
She smiles at her servants as she enters the scene
They love her, and they all bow down
To one whose face is only graced by frowns
She seems like the perfect person
But you will soon learn she is nothing but a diversion
She’ll grab your hand
And take you away to her faraway land
She’ll try to warp you
She’ll make you out for a fool
Slowly, it’ll all start to fade
And you’ll try to make your own way
This scares her out of her pants
But she’ll continue her dance
Until the time comes
You’ll start to hear the hums
Of a million hateful words that hit you like knives
Turns out you never saw through her cleverly made disguise
You can ride and hide
But since you’ve opened your eyes
You see everything differently
And the way she regards you will change to oh so coldly
She’ll leave you out in the storm
And soon you will realize it’s simply her norm
To love and then betray
To hurt in such a colorful array
You see, I was once one of them
One of her servants who she misguided into thinking she was a friend
I’ve never yelled at her
But have I gotten close? Sure
I used to long for it, wait for it
I was so excited to get my hit
But now every tear is dried
I regret every tear I’ve cried
For it was only a game to her, to be as cruel as she could be
To see how much she could hurt me
She doesn’t realize that I am the winner
She doesn’t realize she is really the loser
I won the game of hatred and backstabbing
And now she’s only left with all of her whinnying
So now everyday, I go to our old place
And you can bet all you have that I always see her face
I can pick her voice out of a crowd
That’s only because everything she’s said to me plays in my memory oh so loud
And whenever I see her, she is surrounded by her servants again
They have heard my words but they would rather pretend
She still walks with her grace
And I pity the next girl who sees it and wants a taste

Hi!
Welcome to YWS
So, this was a very interesting poem to read. First of all, I think you did a good job of rhyming but a few of them seemed forced, as though you had to find a word that rhymed so you just chose anything that fitted! I liked how it was very specific though, I've read so many generic poems so it was nice to read something which created a definite image in my head. You have a good use of vocabulary and phrase... I'll annotate it

teamdelaware wrote:Here comes the Queen
She smiles at her servants as she enters the scene
They love her, and they all bow down
To one whose face is only graced by frowns < here's an example of a rhyme which I think is forced.
She seems like the perfect person
But you will soon learn she is nothing but a diversion
She’ll grab your hand
And take you away to her faraway land
She’ll try to warp you
She’ll make you out for a fool
Slowly, it’ll all start to fade
And you’ll try to make your own way
This scares her out of her pants
But she’ll continue her dance < I'm english, so this didn't rhyme and fell a bit flat!
Until the time comes
You’ll start to hear the hums
Of a million hateful words that hit you like knives < nice image & simile
Turns out you never saw through her cleverly made disguise
You can ride and hide < I think this sounds better as run and hide
But since you’ve opened your eyes
You see everything differently
And the way she regards you will change to oh so coldly
She’ll leave you out in the storm
And soon you will realize it’s simply her norm
To love and then betray
To hurt in such a colorful array
You see, I was once one of them
One of her servants who she misguided into thinking she was a friend
I’ve never yelled at her
But have I gotten close? Sure
I used to long for it, wait for it
I was so excited to get my hit
But now every tear is dried
I regret every tear I’ve cried
For it was only a game to her, to be as cruel as she could be
To see how much she could hurt me
She doesn’t realize that I am the winner
She doesn’t realize she is really the loser <Love the repetition of "she doesn't realize."
I won the game of hatred and backstabbing
And now she’s only left with all of her whinnying
So now everyday, I go to our old place
And you can bet all you have that I always see her face
I can pick her voice out of a crowd
That’s only because everything she’s said to me plays in my memory oh so loud
And whenever I see her, she is surrounded by her servants again
They have heard my words but they would rather pretend
She still walks with her grace
And I pity the next girl who sees it and wants a taste < Love the ending. It leaves a message for the reader.

Thank you for the review! It was really hard to keep ryhming, this is actualy the first peom I've written with a set ryhmne scheme so it was challenging. Thank you for the input!