Once upon a time

My first poem, i know it sucks and is very begginerish
But I needed to write.


Once upon a time
I could count on you
You could hold my hand
And my dreams would come true
You kisses would take me
Your hugs wouldn’t shake me
And my love would never waver
But now the walls would crumble to dust
You’re your words were as painful as lust
You buried me under your hot rage
Casting me into a invisible cage
Now my feelings were empty and hallow
There was no more hope for tomorrow
The tears would no longer come
Because for you the fighting was fun
You like the control
And you would patrol
Everything I did

Crafty reporting! The overall idea was pretty good but some of the lines totally threw off the flow.

And my love would never waver

Everything I did

These two lines threw off the whole thing. I liked the poem overall.

You like the control
And you would patrol
Everything I did

Honestly, just cast that whole thing out. The line before it is a good ending, but the last stanza threw it off. Ok got to go! Keep on writing!

It's a good first poem! Has good feeling in ti, and only a few corrections:

Once upon a time#FF0000 ">,
I could count on you#FF0000 ">.
You could hold my hand
And my dreams would come true#FF0000 ">.
You#FF0000 ">r kisses would take me
Your hugs wouldn’t shake me
And my love would never waver#FF0000 ">;
But now the walls would crumble to dust#FF0000 ">.
You’re #FF0000 ">Your words were as painful as lust
You buried me under your hot rage
Casting me into a invisible cage#FF0000 ">.
Now my feelings #FF0000 ">are empty and hallow (present tense now)
There #FF0000 ">is no more hope for tomorrow (present tense now)
The tears would no longer come
Because for you the fighting was fun#FF0000 ">.
You like the control#FF0000 ">,
And you would patrol
Everything I did#FF0000 ">.

You just need a few punctuations. Nice poem!

rumblythunderxox wrote:

Once upon a time
I could count on you
You could hold my hand
And my dreams would come true
You kisses would take me
Your hugs wouldn’t shake me
And my love would never waver
But now the walls would crumble to dust
You’re your words were as painful as lust
You buried me under your hot rage
Casting me into a invisible cage
Now my feelings were empty and hallow
There was no more hope for tomorrow
The tears would no longer #FF40FF ">come
Because for you the fighting was #FF80FF ">fun( come and fun don't rhyme try to find another word if you can.)
You like the control
And you would patrol
Everything I did

1st of all, you should decide if you want each sencence to end in a period or comma or not. If it's all one sentence, then don't capitalize. Or, just keep it how it is. 2nd of all, I like it. you wrote well, and they rhyming is pretty good. 3rd of all, I have to go buy a cake now, bye!