Motel 66 (chapter 1)

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Chapter 1:

Motel 66 was a trashy, run down place. There were prostitutes working in some of the rooms, while druggies were getting high in others. A rusty, old playground sat out back. It was sun scorched, and looked lonely sitting out there, abandoned and desolate in the setting sun. Reni looked at the swings and knew that there hadn’t been any children there since the place was top notch back in the twenties. With a sigh, she shouldered her bag, took her little brother’s hand, and walked into the building towards the office.

It had taken a long time before the clerk had allowed Reni to rent a room; even then she had to lie. She would have been lucky to get even the broom closet, without telling a fabrication of the truth. She had signed in under the false name of Reni Tylers, supposedly awaiting the arrival of her mother. It was true to a point; she was Reni and her brother’s name was Tyler. The part about their mother wasn’t completely true. They weren’t waiting for her; they were trying to find her.
“We almost there Reni?” Tyler lisped, once they had gotten to their room.

There wasn’t much in the room, a single bed and night stand with a lamp bolted to it, a table and four chairs, and in the corner an air conditioner rattled with a moan. They had passed the bathroom, which was outside in the hallway. It was the cheapest and most basic room she could afford, if she was actually going to pay for it, come morning. “Yea, we should be gettin’ close to the Break now. Don’t worry buddy, we’ll get her back, and then we can be a family again.”

Tyler was seven, and Reni was nearly fourteen. They were too young to be on their own, and Reni was too young to be taking care of herself, let alone a young child. Tyler hadn’t even started first grade when they began tracking their mother and searching for a way to get into the Break. Reni had had to teach Tyler how to read, write, and count as best she could with what little they had, while they traveled from motel to motel and camped out in abandoned warehouses when they couldn’t find a place to stay in. The day they had started, she was no more than twelve and had to drag a crying, screaming five year old along with her. In some ways she was more like his mother than a sister.

She placed her bag down on the bed, and took out the clothes they slept in. “Okay, buddy, I’ll be right back. I want you to stay put, bolt the door, and don’t let anyone in. You got it?” she directed.

He nodded and they changed into their other set of clothes. Tyler handed his jeans and T-shirt to his sister as she opened the door. The laundromat was outside the motel, in its own building; Reni was so tired; she didn’t want to be walking anymore.

Once their clothes were washed and the T-shirts were dry, she went back to the room. “Tyler, I’m back, open the door,” she knocked the secret code, that he had insisted on using. She was pleased to see, that when he opened the door, the chain was still in place.
______
Reni looked around the dark room. Something had woken her up. Their jeans were drying on the table in the moonlight. The thin curtains were quivering in the warm breeze while a shadow crept across the floor. She slid out of bed, making sure not to wake her brother, and walked over to the side of the window.

Cautiously, she peeked at the opening from behind the curtains. When she saw that there was no immediate threat, she poked her head outside the window and looked around. Nothing. Reni had checked the window before she went to sleep, of that she was certain. The window had been nailed shut and she remembered asking herself why someone would nail a window closed. Looking around the room, she saw that there were no other windows. Had I imagined the window being nailed? Well, what’s done is done, she thought as she slammed it shut. This time she locked it and tested the window. It was secure.

She had a perfect view of the playground from here, and the neon sign that stood erect beside the slide. For the briefest of moments, Reni could have sworn that the sign was distinctly different. The glowing neon writing no longer said ‘Motel 66, Vacancy’, but ‘Motel 666, No vacancy’ in creepy, red writing that looked like dripping blood. Lying, on the writing was the side profile of a naked woman, who had a swirling devil’s tail, with a pitch fork in the corner.

When Reni blinked the sign was back to its original form, ‘Motel 66, Vacancy’ in glowing blue and green block letters. A horse was running atop the letters with a rope looping around the sign. There was a horse shoe in the corner. I’m just tired, Reni thought with a yawn. She walked to the bed and slipped under the covers. Nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine.
______
Her watch glowed in the dim light; it was nearly four-thirty in the morning. Time to go, she thought. Yawning, she shook her brother. “Come on Tyler, wake up,” he turned his back to her. “Whatever, you have five minutes.”

She got into her jeans and her old T-shirt. They only had room for two different sets of clothes in their one backpack, the ones they slept in and the ones they wore during the day. Quietly, Reni poked her head out the door and looked at the office, which was down the hall. It was an old sleazy motel; the manager worked the night shift because he couldn’t afford to pay his one day worker and his own salary, let alone the salary of another clerk. The clerk, who wouldn’t sell her the room earlier that night, was nowhere to be seen. She smiled when she saw that the manager was sound asleep. Perfect, she closed the door again.

“Come on Tyler it’s time to go, we have to go now!” She gave her brother a strong tap, which got him to his feet quickly, he knew the drill. “The manager is asleep, we can slip out, but then we have to run as fast as we can. We’re going west this time, remember, so we’re goin’ that way,” she pointed to his right.

Reni packed their bag as Tyler changed into his day clothes. She shivered, and warm, weightless fingers trailed down her spine. Turning around, she saw that the window was open again and the stiflingly hot breeze was mixing with the chilled, fake air of the AC. Tyler looked at the window then at his sister. “That was closed before, Reni.”

“I know,” she nodded. “Come on, let’s get out of here, before the manager wakes up, and makes us pay.”
They turned around, and there, standing by the side of the door, was a figure masked in shadows. The only thing that Reni could see was its glowing, turquoise eyes. They were iridescent and looking straight at them from a shroud of black mist. Tyler squeezed his sister’s hand. “I guess we’re here, Ty. We made it to the Break after all.”
Last edited by Nightlyowl on Sun Apr 10, 2011 5:28 pm, edited 12 times in total.
~Nightlyowl




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Besides a few punctuation errors, I didn't find any nitpicks. Couple things, though. Thoughts are generally in Italics, and the fact that the girl had trouble checking into a hotel occupied with prostitutes and drug addicts. You'd think a place like that wouldn't much care about details. Otherwise, I loved the creepy setting you've created. The dialogue is great.

Keep writing. You've definitely gotten me interested.




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Hey Night, I'm Tanya :D

“Okay, buddy, I’ll be right back. I want you to stay put, bolt the door, and don’t let anyone in. You got it?” She directed.
The 's' should be lower case.

Nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine
I would suggest highlighting this part in italics because it was a thought.

Perfect, she closed the door again.
this sentence doesn't make sense, because the way it's written, it describes the way she closes the door. Perhaps write 'perfect' in italics, then period, then the rest of the sentence?

Well, that was it for nitpicks. I really, really enjoyed this piece. It's different and intriguing. I'd be interested in reading the rest, would you pm me when you post the next chapter?

Tanya :D




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i really enjoyed the oddity of this piece, it was creepy, and made me want to read more. the only thing that sort of confused me was the last paragraph. it was a little anticlimactic, so maybe add a little more drama to how the main character figures out where they are.
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
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Very intriquing chapter. Your writing drew me into the story quite effectively. Good job. Your narration was excellent and I found the words you chose at times very fitting. The only thing that really bothered me was that at some points, you could have added more suspense. One in particular is:
______
Reni looked around the dark room.

I felt like you could have started off the next section with a better sentance. The one you used is very bland and you could have upped the suspense substantially if you started more forcefully, like Waking with a start, Reni anxiously peered around the dark room. Other than that, it was wonderful! I can't wait to read the others. Keep up the good work, you've got a lot of potential.




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Thank you, and I'll keep that in mind. I actualy have chapters 2 and 3 out already. Just posted them as a matter of fact.
~Nightlyowl




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Ok, so here are a few things.
1. I like the setting you've created (creepy and kind of scary)
2. I like that you used a lot of descriptions. It created a better picture in my mind
3. I want to know what exactly the Break is, so it makes me want to keep reading.
4. You have a good start on the characters. (they have a defined personality, is what I mean)

In all, I like what you've written. You can expect me to review agains soon. Just keep doing what you're doing. :)




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Thank you I'd be happy to see your comments on the next ones.
~Nightlyowl




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See ghost my story. So I do have another point. Haha!
~Nightlyowl




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loved the creepy setting! a few punctuation errors but nothing to serious.
Announcer: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Audience member slaps announcer: Dude stop yelling in my ear?!
Announcer stares in shock: Cool it man, just doing my job




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Hi!:) I absolutely adore this! I'm very interested to see where you're going with it, so keep it coming! :) I just have a few nitpicks.
When Reni blink the sign was

I think you meant "blinked"?
Time to go, she thought.

If this is a thought, it should be italicized.
it was nearly four thirty in the morning

Should be,"four-thirty"I believe.

I hope you write more soon; I can't wait to read it! :) Let me know if you have any questions!
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers





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All right, thank you. I made the corrections, and I do have more. I believe I have up to chapter 3 posted. Chapters 4 and 5 will be coming as soon as I get the points.
~Nightlyowl



The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe