Chapter One + Two

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A pencil hovers above a peice of notebook paper, three words, The Hawk Line, are written down the side. It shakes as if the holder is deciding what to write, before going down, hovering above the E in line, and then writing down a name, Ethan. It taps against the paper, as if it's owner is feeling frustrated for being unable to come up with anything else, then it freezes, and as the knuckles of the fist holding it turn white, the pencil snaps in half, dropping to the paper below, then laying there, lifeless.

The image disappears, replaced by a flash of bright light and the feeling of panic.

Christine Douglas sits up in her hospital not knowing what to make of the surroundings around her. A woman stands above her, "Christine honey," she says, "Are you all right?"

"What happened? Who are you?" Christine asks.

"You do remember me don't you?" the woman asks.

Christine thinks, but the woman's face draws a blank.

The lady's jaw drops, and after a moment of silence, she looks at Christine with her wide eyes, "Why, I'm your mother."

Christine meets the gaze of her eyes, but sees nothing familiar. "I don't know you."

"Nurse!" The woman calls out, and a nurse races into the room.

"What is it?" the nurse asks.

"I think my daughter has amnesia!" she cries out, choking back tears.

The nurse is silent, then moves towards the bed where Christine lies, "What is your name?"

"My name?" Christine asks, gazing into a space just beyond the nurse's head, "Chri- Chri- Chris?"

"Christine, you are Christine Douglas," says the nurse, and turning on her heel, she leaves the room.

Christine's mother sits on a chair across from the bed, her cell phone pressed against her ear, "Nathan, you'd better come here. Yes, the hospital. Yeah, the one on 284."

Just as she hangs up the phone, a doctor enters the room, and reaches out to touch Christine's head, "How do you feel?"

Christine stares at him blankly, and after a while she says, "I feel like a lousy daughter."

"Oh, don't worry about it," her mother says.

"Yes, your mom's got worrying down," the doctor says with a slight smile.

~~~

Chapter Two

The bright light reappeared in Christine's mind, only this time she could see where it was coming from, a car, and again, the feeling of panic hit her, this time an overwhelming feeling, making her feel as if she had returned back to the time.

It was a dark blue pick up truck, with L.E.D lights, and they blinded her, all though for some reason she wasn't in full function anyway.

The car was shaking violently as she grabbed for the wheel, panicking and aiming to avoid collision, however she only managed to angle the car so that the driver's door was pointed towards the truck. The sound of metal against metal rose in her ears, getting louder, and louder still, and she screamed hoping to block it out. Then she was shaking, shaking and screaming.

"Christine!" a voice cried out, a man's voice.

What?" she said, startled, and she opened her eyes, to see a man about her age, standing above her, a finger held up to his lips.

"You're going to wake the whole neighborhood!" he said.

"I- I'm sorry," she said, sitting up, and taking note of her surroundings, a small room, freshly painted, with a single bed, and about three dressers.

"Do you remember me?' he asked, a shy smile on his face.

Christine closed her eyes, racking her brain for something, but found nothing. She looked up at him, shaking her head.
Last edited by MaryRandshain on Fri Dec 10, 2010 11:04 pm, edited 8 times in total.




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Intriguing first chapter, but somewhat short.

At first I'm thinking the pencil is just hovering around on its own, it's only until you mention that there's a hand that I realize somebody is there controlling the action. It's a peculiar style of introducing a scene - it's this sort of zoom-out effect that I actually enjoyed. I think you did a great job in that aspect because you created a sort of muddleness/dream-like sequence in such very few words.

Mind, one thing I do need to critique upon - this needs to be revised. There are a lot of grammar mistakes, I'm not going to fish them out for you, as they're pretty basic, but I would recommend just reading this out loud and catching the mistakes that way. There are also things that you could add or do for clarity's sake. For example, the pencil is not /feeling/ frustrated, the person feels frustrated. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think that was what you were going for. That's part of the reason I was confused at first. You can still keep the effect you're going for and clarify the scene a little bit though; you could say: It frantically taps against the paper, a signal of frustration. I dunno. Play with it :)

The image disappears, replaced by a flash of bright light and the feeling of panic.
Left out a word there, simple mistake.

So far, I am intrigued; I want to know who these people are. I want to know who Christine is, how she got to the hospital, I want to know why she can't seem to remember her mother. I want to feel emotions. It's as good a start as any, but I do think it needs to be expanded upon.

Good job, I hope you continue.

~ Audy




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I liked it a lot. I understand where Audy is coming from with the grammatical errors, and the thing about the pencil can't feel frustration, but I think that if you add a word or two before it, it would sound a little more reasonable. I actually like the way you make it seem as though the pencil can feel. I really want to hear what you add to this for chapter 2. Pm me when you finish it so that I can find out more.
~Nightlyowl




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Really good, interesting choice of words.
The pencil at the start is a tiny bit confussing, only did i realise that a hand was involved when i read on. :) Really good plot.

Some grammar mistakes, i would suggest reading over, don't mean to be rude. They are pretty simple but noticable.
playing with fire water




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Really good, interesting choice of words.
The pencil at the start is a tiny bit confussing, only did i realise that a hand was involved when i read on. :) Really good plot.

Some grammar mistakes, i would suggest reading over, don't mean to be rude. They are pretty simple but noticable.
playing with fire water




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Really good, interesting choice of words.
The pencil at the start is a tiny bit confussing, only did i realise that a hand was involved when i read on. :) Really good plot.

Some grammar mistakes, i would suggest reading over, don't mean to be rude. They are pretty simple but noticable.
playing with fire water




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this is awesome! keep it up and update me when you post the next chapter
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




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I really got into it when the dialogue started happening. I like the beginning too though.
I want to know more about Christine's past and what happend.
You should somehow incorporate her past into it somehow.
It will help foreshadow, and help your readers not to get lost .
Really good wording.



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson