Exit Sparta: Eden's introduction (Part I)

Before you start reading make sure you intend to comment it! Everything else would not make me a better writer! Thank you so much! LOVE



Twelve hours after the blackout Eden Johnson woke up in her car at the gas station she had stopped by. The night was dark and it rained silently. Only a red emergency light and the yellow lights in the station store illuminated the area around her. The windshield of Eden's Chevy was slightly frozen. She sat up and checked her cell phone. It was dead. She was alone.

As the smothering darkness around her grew Eden wished she had never decided to leave her home. Something had surrounded the safe car and came closer. Every further step let the temperature in it's inside fall and Eden started trembling. Fear was overwhelming her and the moment the first tear drop hit the leather seat a bloodcurdling scream cracked the car's windows.

Eden panicked, opened the door and rushed out of the green truck. Her heart was dashing but soon she realized there was nothing out there but herself and the ride. The store's door was wide open, the racks knocked over and the light flickered. She entered the cold room and tried to find a place to hide. Creeping noises followed her desperate search.

Making a way over some cardboard boxes something grabbed Eden's ankle. She hit the filthy floor hard and almost lost consciousness. The chaser was not far away. She could feel his dark presence and held her breath. Its steps caused the ground to vibrate and echoes announced its approach. Eden decided not to die without resistance and got up. Her heartbeat speeded up as she faced a black and evil shadow. She was not able to scream anymore. Her legs would not move and she showed no effort to defend herself. Just before Eden was going to flee the last few lights went out.

The almighty gloom trapped the girl in the store. She could not make out the door anymore but knew that she was not alone. Her chaser, that shadow she had faced, was now ubiquitous. Eden's blood boiled from adrenalin but at the same time her heart seemed to give up every moment. Sweat coated her skin as her eyes frantically tried to catch something useful. And then, on the peak of fear, a cold shiver went down her spine and the lights turned on again.
All she could do was get down on the floor and start crying. She knew there had been something evil, a threatening presence that had sought her soul.

A sunbeam tickled Eden Johnson's eyelid and woke her up. It was brightest day, far from the freezing atmosphere the night before. She sat up. The stagnant air in her car's inside made it difficult to clear her thoughts. Eden pushed the door and clambered out. The heat was almost intolerable. She spun around and turned to the store she had already entered once. It looked tidy and clean, the door was still open.

Suddenly something rang. It was Eden's cell phone. She hurried back to her Chevy but could not find anything. She looked up and realized where the sounds came from. Someone, or something, must have placed the device in the store. She started running. It still rang. Eden hastened through the rows and finally found her cell lying on the floor exactly where she had hit it only a while ago. Time was rushing by and the girl decided to grab the mobile after a risky leap.
"Hallo?!" she shouted.

[To be continued ...]

Hey there, letters.
I'm going to take a stab and guess you remember me. ^^

Anyways, I'm going to apologize if this a bit short but I'm reviewing on my iPod and on a bus, it's no easy feat.

Right off the bat, your writing reminds me of another member and if/when I remember, I'll have to let you know.

However...*pause for dramatic effect*...there seems to be something lacking as far as the description of the setting goes and I think, especially when you're dealing with a lot of action and movement like you are here, it's a necessity. Another thing I wanted to bring up is the fact that the store was open? I work evenings at a gas station and aside from making sure the money is all there, it's usually a pretty big rule to lock up all of the doors. So I find myself wondering how Eden got. Linto the store. You might not ask the question but some readers might which takes away from any sense of realism that you would want to create.

Still, you did a great job creating suspence and catching my attention which I commend you for. If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask me.

~lilymoore

I like how you wrote this, the suspense and the dark. Gripping. A bit confusing though, especially the end bit, just the way you worded it, I had to read it twice but maybe that would be cleared up when I read part 2? I'm looking forward to it.

Thanks for the feedback. I try to change/improve what was mentioned!

But as I said: THANK YOU sooooo much!

LOVE

This is really good i must say! Your a very good writer (:
There are a few points i would like to make:
- At the beginning of the story you said it was 'raining silently', and i really liked that part because it added to the eery atmosphere. However as far as i know you didn't include much more sound effects into the other parts of the story. In an action/thriller like this i think its pretty important. So maybe you could add some things like heavy breathing from the mysterious figure. That would make it really good and make it creepier.
- We don't really know much about Eden at the beginning so i think it would make the story even better than it already is, if you add some more story at the beginning; telling about her life etc You could also use it to give clues as to what's going to happen.

Good Wishes & Good Luck
x