On The Road (Chapter 3)

3 Miles Jenny Torres

“Hey mum.” Jenny picked up the phone. The person who called Jenny was her mum.
“Okay, I am coming. Bye mum.” Jenny said and hung up.
“My mum is asking me to go home now.”
“Oh.” Jason said. Jenny took her book and turned to Jason. “Uh, want to come? My house is just there.” Jenny said as she pointed at house not far away from them. The house was big and beautiful.
“Sure.” There walked together. There didn’t talked for a moment. Then Jason asked. “So, you like the novel?” Jenny doesn’t seems to understand what he was asking. “Oh, what I meant was the novel you were reading just now, ‘The Girl’.” He scratched his head as he asked.
“Oh! Of course, I like it! This novel is so interesting and heartwarming! I love this story so much” She answered with a smile.

‘The Girl’, Jason thought, was about a girl who died in a car accident. The girl’s ghost then wandered lonely in the world. She couldn’t remember anything about her death. Until she found out that, her real reason to be still staying in the world is because that she cannot let go and forget about her past.
Jason haven’t read ‘The Girl’ before, but these were all the things he can remember about it. He thought that novels contained too many words and made him confuse. He falls asleep very time he tries to read a novel.

Jason thought that this novel of his dad may be an expression of himself towards Jason’s mum. At least he thought so.
“Hey, wait.” Jenny suddenly stopped walking. She turned her head slowly towards Jason and asked him. “You told me your name is Jason Torres, right?”
“Uh huh.” Jason answered in confused.
Jenny continued in a low voice. “Is your dad’s name, Chris Torres…?” She stopped. Her eyes were sparkling with hope that Chris Torres was his dad.
“Uh, hate to tell you this…” Jason beamed at her and continued “Unfortunately, yes.”
“Oh my! So Chris Torres really is your dad! Oh my! I can’t believe that I had met his son! Jason!” Jenny said excitingly. She kept on saying ‘Oh my god’ repeatedly. Finally, she managed to calm herself down.

“You like his novels, right?” Jason asked. “Yes! I love his novels! I have all his collections! ‘The Girl’, ‘Wind Of My Heart’, ‘Truth or Lying’…Oh! I can’t even count them!” She started yelling in excitement and then stopped after a while.
She looked at Jason and asked “So why did you and your family moved here?” She felt very confused.
“Dad had to work here. He is not getting sales from his novels, so he is going to have a part time job here.”
“But his novels are awesome!” She smiled and said loudly. “By the way, what part time job?” It stroked her mind suddenly.
“Teaching piano. He got a diploma so he is legal to have his own piano classes.”
“Oh! So you got a piano at your house?” Jenny asked.
“Yes. My dad, he likes to play the piano…and so do I…” He said in a low manner voice.
“Oh! You played the piano too!” Jenny smiled again.
“I only learned a few basics from my dad. That’s all.” Jason felt a bit shy.
“I love the piano! I wanted to learn it but my mum wanted me to learn the violin instead. Could you just…I mean maybe one day you could teach me to play the piano…?”
“Sure, that won’t be a problem.” Jason smiled and replied. They both sense there was something in the air. Something was special about the both of them. They were both blushing not before long they arrived at Jenny’s house.

“Oh, we are back home already!” Jenny said. They came to Jenny’s house, which appeared to be a bungalow.
Jenny opened the door. Her mum was sting in the living room, watching the TV.
“Uh, hey mom. I brought a friend.” Jenny said.
Her mum turned and looked at them and turned off the TV. “Oh, hi.” She smiled and said. Jason thought that Jenny and her mum had something in common which made them look alike, when they smile.
“Hi, Mrs. Miller.” Jason greeted politely.
“Sit down and have a drink.” Jenny’s mum walked over to a table and poured a glass of fruit juice for him.
“Here you are.” She handed her the glass and sat down.
“Thank you.” Jason said.

A few minutes later, there were chatting excitingly.
“So Chris Torres is your dad and you just moved here a few days ago? Whoa! This is so amazing!” Jenny’s mother started to get exciting too.
“I eventually read some of your dad’s novel. There were so good!” Her mum continued.
“Yeah.” Jason said with a nod.
“By the way, you didn’t mention about your mum before.” Her mother said suddenly.
“Oh. My mum. Well…” Jason hesitated. He was trying to find the right word to say. But at last her gave up. “He passed away last year. In a car accident.”
“Oh! I am so sorry!” Jenny’s mum immediately said. “Sorry Jason…” Jenny said too.
“Never mind…” He smiled and said.
“Your mum must have been so proud of you, Jason.” Jenny’s mum continued.
“Yeah…” Jason answered softly. After all the things I had done...Jason thought. She must have been so, very proud...
“Oh, I have to cook. Why don’t you two chat?” Jenny’s mum stood up and headed towards the kitchen.
“Sure mum.” Jenny smiled. Jason smiled and nodded too.

Okay now everyone~~~This is the 3rd chapter of On The Road~ Feel free to give comments and advise~~~!!! Cause I really need them~~~Hehe~~~

~~~Love, Dylan

Ok, I just have a few comments.

“Hey mum.” Jenny picked up the phone. The person who called Jenny was her mum.

You don't have to say that because when she answers and says

"Hey mum"

you figure that her mother had called her so you don't need to say it again.
Another thing is you say

There walked together. There didn’t talked for a moment

. You mean they not there.
The last thing I have to say about it is that you confused me on whether the story was in past tense or if the story was occurring now.

Jenny doesn’t seems to understand what he was asking.

instead of saying

doesn't seems,

you have to say didn't seem, because you used the word

was

at the end, meaning the story is in past tense format. Unless you want the story to be in the present, you should take out was and say is.
If I were you I'd reread the story and check for little things like that. I hope I was of some help to you.

Hi Dylan

I'm here to review your story at last. This is going to be an interesting piece for me to review. I can tell that much already. Your style is magically innocent, and I think with some work you can become a marvelous story teller. What I'm going to do in this review is to try to distinguish your strengths from your weaknesses. This should help you work on improving your strengths and combat your weaknesses.

Your first weakness is your bad grammar. You still struggle with your grammar. I never learned grammar by the rule and have never focused on trying to create rules for myself as it has never been a weakness. I'm going to suggest that you take a look at that link that I sent you on sentence construction via PM and try hard to understand it. It will undoubtedly improve your grammar. Try to create your own sentences similar to each sentence type.

Then, you need to read a lot. As much as you can get your hands on. Read the books out loud to yourself and try to get a feeling for the words and how they sound. Memorize word formations that you like and read the passages over and over again. You can really read anything, but given your writing style, I'm going to suggest two authors that I think share similar style to you and that you would enjoy reading.

Firstly, Tim Bowler writes psychological thrillers. He is my favorite children's and young adults author. He has a warming writing style that flows and a charming way with words. His stories are very focused on the tension created within the thought of character as yours are. Also, he's a marvelous story teller. Particularly Riverboy stands out as something you might enjoy.

Secondly, Ursula Le Guin. She writes a lot of adult fiction and a lot of children fiction as well. She is also one of my favorite writers. As you develop, I think all of her books will help you, but for now, there is a set of three books, one of whose name I cannot remember. Search on the internet for the third, and you will find its title. The two titles I remember are Voices” and “Powers”.

I suggest reading those books aloud to yourself. I'm sure you'll enjoy them and gain invaluable insight into the English language and storytelling.

I'd also suggest paying very close attention to Azila's review on the first chapter. I agree with every point she has said. I'd like to emphasize the point she made about the change in your character's mind being so rapid. It takes time to create changes of heart. You need to describe a series of events and thoughts that lead up to your character's sudden willingness to leave home. Similarly, when his father capitulates to his Aunt, agreeing to stay, there needs to be a process. Get your mind inside of your character's. The most important question you can ask yourself is what would I do if I were my character.

The last major point that I think I should make for now and that requires immediate focus is that your character is perfect and lucky. In writing terms, we call a character like this a Mary-Sue. He always agrees with people. Whoever he meets loves him. He meets a girl who he shares a lot in common with the first day he gets there. He has a crush on her and immediately becomes aware of her crush on him.

Tension makes for a far more interesting story. Imagine if he moved and could not fit in. Imagine if he got so angry at moving that he ran away. Imagine if he hated Malibu with all his heart. The journey through which he comes to realize himself is so much more epic if we see him grow from zero to hero. At the same time, you can't paint him as evil to begin with. We need to want him to overcome his challenges from the start. ^^

You have massive potential. I specifically love the disconnected, vague, and at the same time dreamy description of your character's dreams. You are a beginner at this game, but I think given a couple of hundred pages of writing you'll be amazing. Don't give up. Whatever you do.

Writing is difficult, but I know you can rise up and become a great writer.

Yoda