Lunar, Light, and Shadow

The listing w/o commas is totally intentional. That is all.


Eyes open in the shadows. They look around, explore the universe of the room they are in.
Wardrobe chest chair bedside table picture frames slippers letters pens pencils red wallpaper.
Twin gems see night in its slumber. A hand comes and wipes away hair. Light falls over.

Time melts in Kieve’s eyes. The clock swings back and forth across the room. Tick tock.
Black spade. Gold melts into blue. Rings deform and soak into an ocean of waves and strokes.
An arm stretches out. The shadows grab him and pull him upright. Air runs through his toes.

He walks to the door. Only a square of purple dotted yellow covers him. Fingers touch bronze.
A thin body fills the doorway. Light wraps around him and shows his skin. Tall white man.
The window is open behind him. Unlocked fresh breeze cool evening clear dark and calm.

Kieve looks out and sees the night. It sleeps over the mountains that surround the home.
Stars sneak about, hungry for a midnight snack. The samurai of the black sky on the prowl.
Crickets chirp in the choir, the conductor controlling their tempo against the silent world.

The belly roars. Muffins fruitcake bananas milk orange juice pineapple cookies toast, anything!
A tongue snakes through rows of jagged teeth. Whispers of stomach’s pain reach the brain.
They clog up the nerve system. Only food is present in Kieve’s mind. A traffic jam in the head.

Down the hall. Old photos speaker system wood flooring front door. He enters the kitchen.
Knives congregate in a block. Apples sit in a dish. He nears the grip of the refrigerator.
Shadows and light form a zigzag pattern over the white block frozen treats call home.

As he opens the door shadows run and light prevails. Kieve reaches inside to fill his thirst.
He pulls out the moon and sets it on an island. Plate knife crackers table top napkin and Moon.
Lunar, light, and shadow converge to serve themselves; the moon now open. Peace at night.

I like the way it flows and how well it is written but I couldn't quite tell what was going on in this poem could you tell me?

Eyes open in the shadows. They look around, explore the universe of the room they are in.
Wardrobe chest chair bedside table picture frames slippers letters pens pencils red wallpaper.
Twin gems see night in its slumber. A hand comes and wipes away hair. Light falls over.

I like the description in this bit. Good Work!

Hiadel --

I'm coming out of the woodwork for this. So, that's a good sign. Your use of language here was fresh, and you had some great images. I especially love literature that plays with concepts of light and dark. I believe it's the most elemental motif known to mankind, even the universe, but the thing about light is that it is so unknown to man that it continues to work enigmatically, uniquely, freshly.

Of course, this poem does not mean to tackle broader themes. It is not, at its heart, a poem about light and dark. Rather, these are just themes that run through it. Actually, it's pretty simple. A guy wakes up in the middle of the night and gets a snack. Fine. You have the right idea. I mean, if you could accurately capture that witching-hour time of night based on its glows and shadows, flickers and holes, it would be a really great read. I think you're going in the right direction with this, but the plot, the meaning of the piece does not justify the layout, diction, title or experimentalism here. I think there is more here. I feel that you've barely scratched the surface. At its center, this is just a poem about a midnight snack -- described uniquely. Somehow the effort you've put into crafting this falls flat upon that realization.

It's interesting that you give the main character of this poem an actual, concrete name. When names are used in poetry, they almost always serve as allusions. It's a very South American poetic technique, but also a very political one. Here you use the name Kieve, which causes the reader to think about the Ukrainian city Kiev. So now you have a problem. You have you're reader trying to read in to what you're trying to say by using a name. Are you trying to draw parallels between the hunger and malaise of the city and the groggy wakefulness of a sleepeater? I don't think so. I get the feeling you used the name Kieve because it sounds cool. Which it does. But be careful, because when you're writing poetry, you can't throw names like this around. Poems are vessels for symbols, and everything concrete will be taken as one.

The bit about ninjas is just goofy. I get it if you're writing a light, airy poem, but you've got to draw the line somewhere. As I've said before, the care you put into the structure and wording here is admirable, but it does not jive with ninjas.

In short, it's evident that you're a talented poet. I'd like to see you turn inward a little more and perhaps use that wealth of language to craft something a little more meaningful.

Thanks

Kylan

I updated it to my current 4th draft. Thanks for the reviews so far, I'm happy with how this piece is working out.