She Can't Tell The Difference

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This is for Trident's Three-Pronged Contest. My things to incorporate are a) a lawn gnome, b) duct-taping an article of clothing, and c) a silver penny. Critique as harsh as you want, I can take it.


Tears are everything to Eilyn. They cleanse her soul, purify her vision, and are her window of escape. Only when she is drowning in them can she truly see.

She flees through the woods, tears curtaining her cheeks before whipping off her chin. She sprints for what must be hours, but her body doesn’t tire. Not physically, at least. Emotionally, she's bound.

When she stops, she finds herself in a weather-faded plastic house. Inside are nick-nacks and lawn ornaments, randomly strewn about. She plops down onto a torn bean bag chair and weeps into her dirt-streaked hands. Her tangled raven locks tumble down, creating an oily barrier around her face.

A ripping sound, like a band-aid being pulled off, but lasting longer, jolts her. She wipes her tears, no doubt smearing whatever mascara that hasn’t already dripped off, and peers up.

In front of her stands a scruffy lawn gnome come to life, holding a roll of duct tape that’s partially unrolled. Wordlessly, the lawn gnome gently applies the tape to her shredded jeans, patching them. When he’s done, he sets the roll on a short counter and pulls something shiny from his tiny, blue pocket; a silver penny.

“For luck.” He places the penny on her taped knee.

She stares at it, then him, before picking it up and making a fist around it. “Thank you,” she squeaks, her voice drowned from the crying.

“Tell Miffle what’s bothering m’lady?” He looks at her with caring eyes.

A small smile pushes its way to her lips. In so few words, she recounts her story, the heartbreak the stupid boy caused and how much she wishes she were her. With patient ears, Miffle listens until she's finished.

He rips a small piece of duct tape from the roll and hands it to her. When she look at him questioningly, he says, “For m’lady’s heart.”

A slight giggle escapes her mouth, prodded on by Miffle’s unearthly innocence. She takes the piece of tape and presses it over the left side of her chest.

“All better?” Miffle looks at her expectantly.

“All better,” she agrees. If only that were true.

Miffle smiles enthusiastically.

After that, they talk for a while, about meaningless, childish things. It brings more pleasure than she's felt in a long time.
But when the sky darkens, her expression grows grim.

“I have to go.”

Miffle looks at her with disappointment, but nods. “Come back soon?”

“Of course.” She means it.

But what she doesn’t know is that, once the tears dry and the pain lessens, the house remains just a play house, and Miffle a decoration. She’ll soon forget all about the little gnome. She will never visit again, not on purpose. Maybe she’ll stumble upon it, like she did today, but she’ll never think to seek it out. Just like she hasn't since she was four, ten years ago, and trips to the play house were frequent at very least.

When she finally returns home, she finds her jeans slit and her palm empty. Her heart is not mended and her mind is not at ease. She can’t tell the difference.

But for when the day her tears become everything once again comes, Miffle is there waiting, sitting beside the torn bean bag chair, holding a roll of duct tape, with a silver penny in his pocket. His innocence remains a beacon of hope, even though a beacon unseen.

But she can’t tell the difference.
Last edited by ultraviolet on Tue Dec 07, 2010 3:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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ultraviolet wrote:
Spoiler
This is for Trident's Three-Pronged Contest. My things to incorporate are a) a lawn gnome, b) duct-taping an article of clothing, and c) a silver penny. Critique as harsh as you want, I can take it.


Tears are everything to me. They cleanse my soul, purify my vision, and are my window of escape. Only when I am drowning in them can I truly see. Love this first sentence, it totally grabs you!

I flee through the woods, the tears curtaining my cheeks before whipping off my chin. I sprint for what must be hours, but my body doesn’t tire. Not physically, at least. Emotionally, I’m bound. Leaves and twigs on the forest floor prick my feet. This is an awkward sentence after the last two.

When I stop, I find myself in a weather-faded plastic house. Inside are nick-nacks and lawn ornaments, randomly strewn about. I plop down onto a torn bean bag chair half the size of my butt this feels off subject and out of style for this story and weep into my dirt-streaked hands. My tangled raven locks tumble down, creating an oily barrier around my face.

A ripping sound, like a band-aid being pulled off, but lasting longer, jolts me. I wipe my tears, no doubt smearing whatever mascara that hasn’t already dripped off, and peer up.

In front of me stands a scruffy lawn gnome come to life, holding a roll of duct tape that’s partially unrolled. Wordlessly, the lawn gnome gently applies the tape to my shredded jeans, patching them. When he’s done, he sets the roll on a short counter and pulls something shiny from his tiny, blue pocket; a silver penny.

“For luck.” He places the penny on my taped knee.

I stare at it, then him, before picking it up and making a fist around it. “Thank you,” I squeak, my voice drowned from the crying.

“Tell Miffle what’s bothering m’lady?” He looks at me with caring eyes.

A small smile pushes its way to my lips. In so few words, I recount my story, the heartbreak the stupid boy caused and how much I wish I were her. With patient ears, Miffle listens until I’ve finished.

He rips a small piece of duct tape from the roll and hands it to me. When I look at him questioningly, he says, “For m’lady’s heart.”

A slight giggle escapes my mouth, prodded on by Miffle’s unearthly innocence. I take the piece of tape and press it over the left side of my chest.

“All better?” Miffle looks at me expectantly.

“All better,” I agree. If only that were true.

Miffle smiles enthusiastically.

After that, we talk for a while, about meaningless, childish things. It brings more pleasure than I’ve felt in a long time.

When, through the plastic house’s window, I see the sun lower, I check my watch.

“I have to go.”

Miffle looks at me with disappointment, but nods. “Come back soon?”

“Of course.” I mean it.

But what I don’t know is that, once the tears dry and the pain lessens, the house remains just a play house, and Miffle a decoration. I’ll soon forget all about the little gnome. I will never visit again, not on purpose. Maybe I’ll stumble upon it, like I did today, but I’ll never think to seek it out.

I exit the play place that I used to visit every day when I was four, all of ten years ago. The play place that’s true potential only reveals itself under the guise of tears.

When I finally return home, I find my jeans slit and my palm empty. My heart is not mended and my mind is not at ease. I can’t tell the difference.

But for the day when my tears become everything once again, Miffle is there waiting, sitting beside the torn bean bag chair, holding a roll of duct tape, with a silver penny in his pocket. His innocence remains a beacon of hope, even though a beacon unseen.

But I can’t tell the difference.
Nice but sad story. It's a little boring but good job incorporating the gnome, duct tape, and silver penny.

Good luck!
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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Hi there! I love this--it's very cute, and the writing's stunning. I just got tripped up in one spot:

But what I don’t know is that, once the tears dry and the pain lessens, the house remains just a play house, and Miffle a decoration. I’ll soon forget all about the little gnome. I will never visit again, not on purpose. Maybe I’ll stumble upon it, like I did today, but I’ll never think to seek it out.

I exit the play place that I used to visit every day when I was four, all of ten years ago. The play place that’s true potential only reveals itself under the guise of tears.

When I finally return home, I find my jeans slit and my palm empty. My heart is not mended and my mind is not at ease. I can’t tell the difference.

But for the day when my tears become everything once again, Miffle is there waiting, sitting beside the torn bean bag chair, holding a roll of duct tape, with a silver penny in his pocket. His innocence remains a beacon of hope, even though a beacon unseen.

But I can’t tell the difference.



I don't like the jump out of her head when she's all, "I won't remember this late." After all, if she doesn't know it, how can she tell us? Also the "but for the..." line suggests that he's always there EXCEPT when she's sad, which isn't what you meant. (I think.)

Now, as the previous review pointed out, it was a *teency* bit boring. Didn't bother me much, but I think you might make the gnome a bit more interesting/quirky, and/or add more details about why she's upset or why she always gravitates towards the shed when she's sad, even though she doesn't remember him except when she is..... hmm, I don't think I'm making sense. Blame the sleep deprivation. :D

Anyway, that's really all I have to say, so good luck with the contest!

Lupis




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Thanks for the reviews!

canislupis>> You said how it doesn't make sense that she's saying that... I think I'll change this to third person, so that the narrator does have the ability to know this. Also, I kept her situation vague on purpose. I just didn't want to get too much into that. I don't know why, just didn't.

As for the line, "But for the day when my tears become everything once again," I think you're reading it, "But save for the day when my tears become everything once again," which is totally understandable. I'll try and reword it to make it more obvious.

Oh, and while I might be able to liven it up by making Miffle more eye-drawing, or other such things, I don't think I'm going to. I like it how it is, and if I don't win, I don't win. It's one story, a story that I wrote for myself. But thanks for the review, I appreciate it. :)

Edit: Is that better?
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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Hi again!

I do like the change in POV, since it makes the "she won't remember" bit less awkward. However, there are a few 1st person bits left in--such as here:

When, through the plastic house’s window, she sees the sun lower, she checks my watch.


Wait..it's plastic? How big is it, and how old is she?

She wipes my tears, no doubt smearing whatever mascara that hasn’t already dripped off, and peers up.


[......]

She sprint for what must be hours, but her body doesn’t tire. Not physically, at least. Emotionally, She's bound.


'my' tears and 'sprinted' and 'she's' not capitalized.

into my dirt-streaked hands. Her tangled raven locks tumble down, creating an oily barrier around her face.

A ripping sound, like a band-aid being pulled off, but lasting longer, jolts her. She wipes my tears, no


"my" again.

Ok, and after reading your comment, I started thinking about it, and I agree with you. :D It doesn't matter what she's crying about.

I do think the simplicity and lack of detail work well for the piece--rather, what I think I was reacting to last night was how it could be condensed. XD Anyway, it doesn't seem very smooth, and the basic theme--that she only remembers him when she needs him--gets overshadowed by the jumps in time (first she's four, then she's crying about a boy, then she 'won't remember it', and there's a lot of running around as she enters and leaves the shed) which add confusion and a kind of clutter. So, while I still think the gnome himself could use a bit of sprucing up, what I'd really suggest is that you get rid of the parts where she leaves the shed, maybe describing a vacant expression as she leaves?

Akk, I have to go now, so good luck again!

Lupis




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About the 1st Person left in there, I only did it quickly before, but now I read through and I think I got it all.

And about the confused part about it, is this any better? I didn't make any drastic changes, but is it better at all? And are there any other parts I should change/remove? I really appreciate you helping me with this because it's hard to look objectively at your own work.

And thanks for responding. There are a lot of people that don't, so I really appreciate it. :)

Thanks, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind