Deleted

Deleted...didn't like it

Hi! Teardrop here! I'm gonna try and review this before I have to leave for a school dance tonight, sorry if this seems rushed.

fictionfanatic wrote:beause

"because"

fictionfanatic wrote:You know," He began

"He" should not be capitilized.

For this chapter, i think you could have added a lot more detail and lenth. I suggest going threw and adding lots of details, you know, how she feels, how everything looks, etc.

Overall, I like this very much, and I can't wait to read the next chapter. : D

- Teardrop

The reason I didn't was because I was just seeing if you guys would like it.

I'll edit it tomorrow.

LOOOOVEE IT!
There's only a few things I'm wondering, one does Ely know about it or something? I didn't really understand the whole truck thing. Did Ely just see it and be a good Samartian or does he know about the rape? Also does she still live at home? Did she tell the police? Also how old is she? How old is Ely?
I like this Ely, just PLEASE don't make him into the steroytypical Nicholas Sparks guy, you know the one who's too good to be true! Give him a flaw somewhere. It seems REALLY strange he'd tell her that she could lie and say it was his baby. I mean, what teenage boy would be like "Okay, you cheated on your boyfriend and now you're pregnant. We didn't have sex. OH I HAVE A GREAT IDEA LET'S TELL EVERYONE IT'S MINE THAT WAY I CAN BE A TEENAGE FATHER AND RUIN MY DREAMS! I LOVE THIS PLAN, I'M SO PUMPED!" If she tells people that he either acts as a dad or he acts like one of those "knocked up out of luck" guys. Either way his reputation is ruined.
However if he knew about the rape it would make a lot more sense for him to do that because he's a compasionate good person.
Also, there's one thing that's also really bothering me. If she was raped why is she having the baby? I am pro life personally, but I do think that in situations like this it should be legal because it wasn't the woman's choice to get pregnant, her emotional damage etc. So why didn't she even think about it for a split second? The normal reaction seems like it would be to have an abortion. What changed her mind? I would have really liked to read her agonizing over the decision. Also, why didn't she go to the hospital if she was beaten so badly and raped? Wouldn't it make sense for her to do something about it like getting checked out, getting a rape exam, or at least get emergency contraception? It seemed a little strange for her to just go to school.
Overall, I really like your writing style and CANNOT wait to read more!
Kristi:)

OK, pros and cons.

Pros -
Love where you're going with this! In general, the plot is ah-maz-ing. I'm not even a fan of romance, but this is sweet and at the same time you're focusing on such an important issue.

Cons -
You wrote this too fast. Not enough detail, and I actually think you should open up a little more subtley about Ely's sister committing suicide. I mean, that's a touchy subject, and even though he seems like a pretty tough guy I doubt he'd just open up so easily.

Overall...
My suggestion would actually be to keep the direction but rewrite it. It's just lacking...something. Even though it's an emotional subject (so of course it's an emotional piece) I think this could be even awesomer. It felt rushed, and I would've liked if it felt like there was more put into it. But like I've said, the direction you're taking this is spot-on.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Oh my God, very good turn of events! I think I might love Ely a little bit.

Teardrop wrote:Hi! Teardrop here! I'm gonna try and review this before I have to leave for a school dance tonight, sorry if this seems rushed.

fictionfanatic wrote:beause

"because"

fictionfanatic wrote:You know," He began

"He" should not be capitilized.

For this chapter, i think you could have added a lot more detail and lenth. I suggest going threw and adding lots of details, you know, how she feels, how everything looks, etc.

Overall, I like this very much, and I can't wait to read the next chapter. : D

- Teardrop

What she said!


Also, I'm still not getting a realistic vibe from your story. You have some really great characteristics to your writing style, but the dialogue makes things feel so cheesy and unbelievable. Maybe adding more detail would help that out some?

Again, I'm enjoying reading your story.

Keep writing!

xoxo,
Kiicoh