Morning Ride

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So here's my first story (that I've posted), but it's also the first story I've written in a long, long time... so yeeaahhh, feel free to be as harsh as your heart desires. (:

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There was no moon. Instead, there were stars. Millions of shining dots scattered across the dark velvet sky, each on as bright as the next. The sky itself was full of violets and blues so dark they were black.

Below me, April snorted and pawed at the ground impatiently. With one last glance at sky, I reluctantly pushed April forwards, into the wood. Once we were completely covered by the canopy of the trees, the light from the stars had a hard time reaching us. We pushed forward on the path in front of us.

I leaned forward slightly so I could pat April’s neck. Her ear twitched back towards me. Since I was riding bareback, leaning to the side was limited.

Soon, we were in a clearing, bathed in star light once again. Without hesitation I pushed April forward and she took off in a lope. I let April run around the perimeter of the clearing once before carefully letting go of the reins. I raised my arms over my head and closed my eyes to help concentrate.

I thought about the stars, the wood, anything that would allow me to pull the Power from its ravine and capture it. I smiled when my mind tickled the fringes of it. I reached my mind out, getting a better grip and pulled gently. The Power came, like it was meant for me and only me.

I lowered my arms and picked the reins up, pulling April slowly to a stop. I opened my eyes, expecting to see what I usually see - some form of Power, usually a floating star. Instead, at the center of the clearing was a girl.

She stared at me, and I stared back, slightly shocked that somebody had been watching me. Neither of us said anything. Even April was being unusually quiet, like she could sense something. She stood at attention beneath me, on ear cocked towards me and the other forward, towards the girl.

The light from the stars wasn't bright enough so I couldn't see her face, but she had long, dark wavy hair that reached to her thighs. She wore a white, simple, but beautiful dress.

Finally she broke the silence.

"Haley," she said. "April."

I narrowed my eyes at her, immediately suspicious. Her voice sounded familiar... but at the same time foreign. And how did she know my name and April?

"Who are you?" I called to her, gathering April’s reins.

"You of all people should know. You are the one who brought me here," she replied, her voice chilling. She tipped her head to the side, like she was evaluating me as if I was a lab experiment.
I shook my head. This was a joke, obviously, and I was not one to be messed with. Especially when I worked. When I turned April in the other direction to leave, she reared, so high it felt like we were going to fall over backward. I went tumbling down, and I all I remember before the world faded away was something cool on my face and the smell of grass.
"Play on
When you're losing the game
Play on
'Cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth to sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Play on"

- Carrie Underwood, "Play On"




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Hey Remrock, Hawk here to review! :)

Okay, so first off I like the way the story's going already. However, it all has a rather clichéd feeling at the very beginning. Your descriptions are nice...but not too original. I'm sure you can find different, fresher, newer ways to describe something so overused before.

With one last glance at sky, I reluctantly pushed April forwards, into the wood.

We pushed forward on the path in front of us.

Without hesitation I pushed April forward and she took off in a lope.


All right...I think you can already tell what I'm getting at here. A lot of repetition. There are definitely alternate ways of stating this. "Urged her on," "squeezed her sides," etc. could replace these instances.

And how did she know my name and April?


Should be "April's," since if you were expand this sentence it would be "How did she know my name and April's name?"

Especially when I worked.


Sorry, not quite sure what you mean here by "working." Could you add a little more detail to explain?

One last thing I noticed--you tend to do a lot of telling, and not as much showing. It's something a lot of writers (including yours truly!) struggle with, so you're not alone. I'd suggest reading this link about showing vs. telling; it explains the difference between the two, what to look out for, and how to fix it.

Well, that's all I have to nitpick on. I think you've got a good start--you just want to make it into a great start, one that's memorable and makes the reader say, "Whoa, that was really good! I can't wait to read more!" Right now, I'm neutral. I could read more, but there's not a whole lot that's drawing me in just yet. Add in some more details and make it a memorable start.

All right, so please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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With one last glance at sky, I reluctantly pushed April forwards, into the wood. Once we were completely covered by the canopy of the trees, the light from the stars had a hard time reaching us. We pushed forward on the path in front of us.


As already mentioned, change the first "pushed" to "urged"
the purposes of a man's heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws them out

- Proverbs 20:5



Vampires aren't real, but you know what is? And far more annoying? MOSQUITOS
— LadyMysterio