Vice.

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poet
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 7
Fri Dec 03, 2010 7:40 am
poet says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 7:40 am
Vice.

One a day became three,
she was upset at me, she hated me.
But all of us have our vice and,
we don't need your advice and,

Stop acting like you've never acted up.
Don't shove the guilt you feel
down my throat,

I want an early death,
and with every unhealthy breath
I'm closer to my goal.

Don't take this away from me.

-poet
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Eniarrol
Gender Female
Points 1464
Reviews 85
Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:15 am
Eniarrol says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:15 am
Vice.

One a day became three,
she was upset at me, she hated me. Take out at me it crowds the sentance
But all of us have our vice and,
we don't need your advice and, Take out the and in both of the sentances its unnecessary
Stop acting like you've never acted up.
Don't shove the guilt you feel
down my throat, Love this bit

I want an early death,
and with every unhealthy breath
I'm closer to my goal. This stanza seems separated from the rest.

Don't take this away from me.


Over all it is a lovely poem but the ending doesn't seem quite finished.
Keep Writing!
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments
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Stephene
Gender Female
Points 3590
Reviews 30
Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:56 am
Stephene says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:56 am
One a day became three,
she was upset at me, she hated me.
But all of us have our vice and,
we don't need your advice and,


The and in the end is kind of pointless
Stop acting like you've never acted up.
Don't shove the guilt you feel
down my throat,


nice but i think you could improve the last two lines as the just seem awkward

I want an early death,
and with every unhealthy breath
I'm closer to my goal.


again death as a goal is kind of pointless dont you think unless you elaborate and polish it some more it definitely could have been better

Don't take this away from me.


the end seems fine if you think of it for a while
but it can be more polished if you work harder on it
other wise nice work

Hope i helped
Yours truly
- Stephene
Message me if you want to talk :)
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AsxLoversxGo
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 34
Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:39 pm
AsxLoversxGo says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:39 pm
poet wrote:Vice.

One a day became three,
she was upset at me,
You should have had them on second lines, it just sounds bettershe hated me.
But all of us have our vice and,
we don't need your advice and,
Don't say and so much


_____________________________
I want an early death,
and with every unhealthy breath
I'm closer to my goal.

Don't take this away from me.That's really depressing, and sounds a bit drastic. I hate to say this, but it sounds really emo.



"In YOUR Indo"
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foreveralone
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Reviews 10
Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:19 pm
foreveralone says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:19 pm
I really liked this poem :D It was fun to read!
Keep writing.
-Foreveralone*
We don't live to be perfect, we live to be better than yesterday
-Sister Christine

*ForeverAlone*
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ziggiefred
Gender Female
Points 37146
Reviews 556
Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:14 pm
ziggiefred says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:14 pm
Hello there poet and welcome to YWS! :)

I found this poem quite disjointed. What I mean is you jumped all over the place, bouncing from idea to idea. So in the end the whole thing just ended up looking like the typical angst, emo kind of topic. I do understand those spur of the moment inspired poems where you just let the pen do the talking and I have a feeling this is what happened here...but next time, try to pen your emotions in an original manner. Explore each idea before moving onto the next. I would like this if it were lyrics to a song.
Keep on writing though and posting.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work ;) .
The best is what you make it!

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BenFranks
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Points 42428
Reviews 411
Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:24 pm
BenFranks says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:24 pm
Hey there. I think the best points about this piece would be the rhyhtm and pace you've created, which makes it feel very beaty and natural. However, this completely conflicts with the content of your poem. It seems the point you're trying to get across is of desperation and giving up, but all I'm getting is rhythmic throwings of depression.

Here's some nitpicks:
we don't need your advice. and,

The 'and' displaces the rhyhtm and, it being the end of a stanza, completely disrupts the poem from a grammatical point of view.

down my throat,

I think you should end this with a period because you're essentially 'taking one' at the person and therefore should use the punctuation to add to the impact and affect.

I'm closer to my goal.

The word 'goal' doesn't work at all. You're trying to portray a negative attitude yet 'goal' is a word that people associate with aspirations and beliefs, which is positive.

So, overall, I can see you have a talent for creating and structuring poetry, but you need to brush up on your use of punctuation and try and modify the content to remain consistent. However, I don't think there's anything much special about this piece of poetry. The content is quite cliche and the message is more of a personal cry-out rather than a subtle build-up of technique, style and meaning.

Anyway, I hope this helps.
Ben
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poet
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Points 1040
Reviews 7
Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:31 pm
poet says... · Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:31 pm
Hello, thank you for all of your critiques on how poetry should be written, however, poetry is not a science. I enjoy writing vague poems because it lets the reader possibly put themselves into the literature, if they happen to be experiencing something similar at least.
Also, I'm not "emo" nor do I write "emo" posts. I have a strong anxiety about growing up, no depression disorders or wanted depression disorders. I swear. That bit was just about me smoking to ensure I wouldn't have to live through being senile.
I probably should have been a bit more specific with the death part, though.

Anyways, thank you for commenting and making my first post here.. interesting.
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